I am experiencing a nightmare in my marriage that I would love to wake up from. I am hurting so much and I don't know what to believe or how to move foward. My husband is in the military and has been deployed to Iraq. I am a military wife that has to face the burden of being left behind with 3 small children while trying to maintain a long distance relationship with my husband.

I cannot find the words to explain how disapointed I am from what I am about to share with you. My husband was gone for a month on a military training and just came back for 5 days before actualy taking of to Texas where he will be for 2 months. From Texas he will go to Iraq for 15 long months, that alone is a burden on our marriage.

When he came home I felt that there was something different in my husband attitude that made me believe that there was something he was hiding from me. In 05/01/06 he picked up a fight with me and when I asked him what was wrong he told me that he met a woman in the military that has been persistant into getting my husband to be with her. She even told him that she wants to see divorce papers before they meet in Texas. I was stuned to hear this but I was more stuned when he told me that he was actualy thinking of not comming home and just mailing me a letter with divorce papers.

He then told me that they have not had sex but have actualy been entertaining the idea of it and that she already told him that she would start taking birth control pils to avoid getting pregnant. He told me they have been kissing, hugging, and going out to dinner movies, etc. but no sex.

I wanted to pick him up from the military school but he refused by telling me that it would not be necesary and that it would be long trip for me and my children. To just meet him somewhere in between. Now I realize that he didn't want me to pick him up because she didn't want to see me and I would interfier with them saying their good byes.

He told me he came home confused hoping to find the way to tell me what happend during the 30 days that he was gone and that he wants me to forgive him for thinking of leaving me. He told me he liked the woman and that she is very persistant and convincing. Now he is confused because he is home and he does love me and would not want to destroy our family. He actualy was hopping that I cheated on him so that he would not feel as guilty. I cant seem to grasp how this woman was able to distract my husband to the point of wanting to give everything up for her.

My husband has betrayed my trust and I am having such a hard time because he tells me he loves me but all I can think of is him kissing that woman. Every time he got near me i became angry and the I would wonder if he held and kissed her the same way he does me? He was man enought to tell me the truth and I thank GOd he came home instead of acting upon what he was thinking. I cannot imagine what I would have done if I went to the maild box and found those divorce documents. I think that would have been the end of me and it would have left me in shock. I had no idea my husband woudl ever think of being unfaithful to me but here we are.

I told him that I was glad he told me the truth but I would have rather him not cheated. I told him I held him accountable for his actions and that he was violating the promise he made on our wedding day of being faithful and to be together till death do us part.

He promised me he would end what ever was going on between them and that he would want us to renew our wedding vows when he came back from Iraq and that he doesn't want to loose me. I took him to the airport yesterday morning to take a flight to Texas where he will face this woman but I am afraid that if he was able to convince him the first time around what would stop her from doing it again? She is in the same unit and they will be sharing the same ground for the next 15months or so, if she is not able to get to him now she has plenty of time to try again. Will he give in to her? I don't know.

If staying behind for so long was going to be a burden in our family, can you imagine how I feel now knowing that there is a possiblilty that i might loose my family to another woman. I read the 4 sections regarding infidelity and it would be a great source of information to hold on to but in my case he is not going to be with me all that time but she will. I want to believe that my husband will end this nighmare he has created and be faithful to me until he returns home but I am devistated because in that period of time many things can happen,

I want to be strong for my family and I don't want to dwell on his mistake but how do I move foward when the nightmare has just begun. I am here miles away from him and I feel like I have my hands tied behind my back while this woman is there to confort him by making herself available.

TO tell you the truth, just the thaught of that frightens me. What can I do to make myself visable while he faces all this time next to her. How do I keep sanity while time goes by. My children and I will be waiting for my husband and i will be faithful to him while he protects our country, I just hope that he is man enough to stand up for his family.

How do I compete with that woman being so far away and what can I do to make a lasting impression in his heart to keep him faithful till he returns? Please help me.

Let's put out a call to a few with military experience. She and your H have broken some very firm military rules which they will be held liable for.

1st off do you have the following info:

1. Her name, rank, commanding officer contact info & unit
2. His commanding officer contact info
3. Your local chaplain or support personnel.

L.

First of all, I want to say how sorry I am for what you are going through. I was a female soldier in the Reserves for 11 years so I understand a little about the environment your husband is in.

Please fight for your husband. Do not give up. This is war and I pray that other more experienced people step in to give you some advice. My first instinct is to EXPOSE her to her commanding officer. He must do everything in his power to have NO CONTACT w/her and he needs the support of his chain of command to accomplish this. The military, in my opinion, does a Horrible job of supporting families during deployments.

Ship him the books recommended on this site. Is there any way you can go to Texas while he is there? Beg, borrow and steal (not really) to make it happen if it's allowed. I also have 3 small children so I know this sounds impossible. Do you have family near you? A good support system?

Please take care and know you are in my prayers.

I've pulled the following from your quote on "Just Found Out" over here, Susie.


Excellent, Susie. You've done what you needed to do. I admire your courage. No procrastination at all. Sounds like the organization your husband belongs to is top notch too. That's quick action.

Yeah, your husband is likely going to be pissed off, but that will fade. I think he was on the way to understanding he was being a fool and being called to task on an inappropriate relationship will reinforce that big-time. If and when he calls, you don't have to be apologetic about exposing the relationship one bit. As you said, you needed them broken up so you could rest for the 15 months he's in the Iraqi theatre. If your husband is any kind of smart, he'll get over being upset real soon and get on with his career. It hasn't been damaged yet and he'll understand that pretty soon.

There is a thread out here started by another Army spouse whose NCO husband who wasn't smart and started seeing the woman again. The commander took a stripe (suspended pending good behavior) and restricted him to the barracks for a while. The point is, you saved your husband from that by being proactive. The idea the two of them could have hidden what they were up to in a war zone is laughable. They'd have been caught and the consequences would have been far worse. He owes you some sincere thanks, but don't expect it immediately.

Okay, you asked what you can do to keep you and your family in his heart while he's deployed. The important thing will be to stay in contact as best you can. Always be available to talk when he has a scheduled opportunity to call and make sure the kids are there too.

Send regular care packages. Send stuff like beef jerky, nacho chips, etc....snacks and things they won't be able to get over there. Along with that, send little mementos showing your love and the kids’ love for him. Pictures of you and the kids are great. They don't have to be framed, but send some especially good ones in frames anyway. Cards are good too. Newsy emails and/or letters with all kinds of stuff about what is happening “in the real world” will be treasured. Don’t forget his birthday, and don’t forget to send pictures of the kids’ birthday parties. In short, you do everything you can to keep him included in you and your children’s lives, even if he is half a world away.

Okay, I think I’ll shut up for now and let others contribute some ideas. Good on you, Susie for what you did. Kudos!

I read your other thread on the other board and I am so glad you took action to expose this.

He may very well be upset when you talk to him. Be prepared. As they say on this forum, he is in a fog. He may say things he WILL regret someday.

Try to be strong and unemotional about it. Tell him how much you love and care about him and you only want the best for your family.

He may feel embarassed and humiliated after being called out on his innapropriate behavior. Tell him he made a mistake, but you believe in him. Tell him you understand his feelings, but do not ever justify his actions or take them on as your fault. His actions got him into this mess, he needs to face it like a man, with his woman by his side (figuratively, since you can't be there). This will be one of the fiercest enemies he will face: his own weakness.

Remind him of what a good man he CAN be. Try to look forward and not dwell on what he did and said when you are on the phone with him.

I love the way people on this forum describe that you must be the lighthouse to lead him out of his fog. Of course it will be much more challenging to be apart from him, but you can make the phone and e-mail and snail mail a refuge for him.

Send him many things to remind him of you and the kids. Pictures the kids draw, pictures of you and him when you were dating. My H would love to receive a pair of my undies, yours probably would too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> !! Omigosh, I mean yours, not mine ! LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

There must be a thousand ideas out there of ways to make him feel close to you and the kids. Homemade cookies, CD of "your" songs...try to hit as many of the senses you can; sight, smell, taste, sound, touch.

Keep us posted and my prayers are with you and all the military families dealing with deployments.

First of all, thank you all for guiding me on this harsh moment in my life with my husband and for giving me the push I needed to save my marriage. I am glad this episode did not last long and that his commanders and family awareness coordinators were on top of the situation.

It turns out that his lutenant called him for counceling and he has been told of the law against adultery and the possible concequences he might be facing if he does not follow the order of not seeing this woman or having contact with her.

He called me around 830p upset because I got the military involved. He told me he had ended what ever went on between him and her, that I didn't need to get the military involved. I lied and told him that when I called seeking help that they were already aware of the situation and were already handeling it. he told me that if I was going to be getting on his case about it and was not going to be happy to divorce him now.

I was very shocked to see his reaction but I had already read the 4 stages of infidelity so I knew that he was trying to make me feel guilty and blame me for his weekness. He said that I could have ruined his correer and that now everyone is talking ****** about him. Now he is being watched and all because I could not trust him. Me knowing what he was blaming me instead of admiting his fault, I told him to check himself and to not dare blame me because he got himself in this situation on his own. I told him that if he ddn't want to geoperdize his correer or his marriage he should of thaught when he was with the othr woman.

I stood my ground and told him that he needs to realize that there was no future with that woman and he would have ended like dogs do, chasing two stakes but not being able catch neither one of them. He would have lost me completely by sending me the divorce papers and not comming home, and he would have had to end the relationship with that other woman because the military would not allow any sexual ecounters anyway.

I was told by the commander that after I talked to him he made an anouncement and made it very clear that no soldier male/female would be allowed to have any sexual encounters while in deployment regardless of marital status.

I told him to back up and explain why he had not call or email me since he arrived to Texas. The explenation he gave me was not good enough and I told him that from now on I expect him to reasure his love for me in a daily bases. I told him that he needs to recognize that he would have been a fool to pursue anything with any other woman in this time or any othr time. He was quiet for a while and he asked me if I was ever going to get over this and what could he do to restore what we had. I told him to keep his priorities straight and to keep it in his pants at all cost.

I was very upset and I told him he will have to work extra hard to rebuild this marriage and to not take my love for him as a weaknes. He had nothing to say and then I heard some guys call him for some military stuff. I can tell he was thinking of all i said because he stopped arguing with me. I took control of the call because he knew that I was right to expect more from him now. we hung up but he called a few minutes later to say "Sorry for what I put you through, I cant talk right now but I love you and I want to know how to make it up to you."

I think that call turned out to be way better than what I had expected, what do you guys think? I think he learned from his mistake and if he was weak now I have the military to keep him straight.

24give

I hope you get to read the outcome of my call to the family awareness program and stuff, the relationship with tht othr women is way over and I am glad I was able to put my foot down.

Our aniversary is this month on the 21st of this month and after all this has happend I am going to ask if it could be possible that I can go visit him at least for that day. I am sure that his commander would grant it after all that has happend. I don't loose anything by asking, right?

thanx for your support <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Susie
Great job getting this exposed.

Suggestions for what to do while he is deployed. Keep a positive attitude when he calls, write positive letters. Plan a fun vacation to look forward to when he gets back. Talk to him about where to go and the possible things you guys could do on vacation. When you are being positive in the letters let him also know how much you misss him and that you do need them. Sometimes the guys get the feeling that we don't need them anymore because we become so independent.

Sometimes we unload on our guys when the are overseas because they are the ones there for us. Unload on the computer and then delete it. If something is going on you can tell him you know he doesn't have much time to talk about it or think about it but if he has any suggestions about it you would love to hear what they are. If the kids are having a birthday coming up ask him if there is something he would like them to have just from him. Don't load onto him all the great things he is missing with the kids. Let the kids take a pic of dad with them to their functions so that they have a piece of dad with them.

Keep up a positive attitude yet at the same time let him know that you still need him, and the great things you guys will be doing when he gets back home.

Hey, Susie. Yours is a great example of proactively confronting an adultery while it's still just budding and stopping it cold in its tracks. Your husband's career is NOT in jeopardy. He apparently took the counseling well and has backpedaled away from the other woman. He will hurt himself ONLY if he resumes contact. His commander, btw, sounds like one h3ll of a leader. He found out about a problem, fixed it, and then set up clear guidelines for the rest of the unit. You can't ask for better than that.

Excellent job of maintaining your boundaries. Your anger came through loud and clear and took him aback. He was angry at first, but I'll bet that was because he'd been getting a LOT of individualized attention from the CC and 1st Sgt. I think I'd have been amazed if he wasn't angry at first. He got over it quickly though. That's fantastic. Your husband sounds like he's smart enough to straighten out all by himself now. He understands he screwed up and I do think he's learned from his mistake. I would caution you to not let your anger continue to dominate your conversations with him. The incident is not over, but he's starting to make amends.

Actually, it sounds like your husband is truly repentent. He apologized to you and has empathy for "what he put you through." Lady, there are some betrayed spouses out here who have waited years for an apology like that.

Now is an excellent time to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. The first half of that book explains how to break up an affair, but you've already done that. The last part of the book is a collection of "Rules of Protection" that are excellent guidelines for keeping each other safe for the rest of your marriage. Both of you can benefit from a study of them because they will make your marriage that much stronger.

Susie, you've done great. You've saved your family and marriage and that is no small feat. Now work on making your relationship with him stronger than ever before. You can do that too.

One request: For future reference, could you explain a little more about the "Family Awareness Program" office you called yesterday? Was that an office on the post or was it a centralized function in Washington DC or something like that? Knowing that might help us assist another military spouse somewhere down the line.

Longhorn

thank you for all your advice it has realy hit the target. Today I was so mad because somehow I keep thinking that he doesnt' take our marriage serious or that he takes me for granted. It was so easy for that woman to get him to geopardise his family, that realy hurts. I am starting to wonder if he loves me because so far all that he did in such litl time away from home indicates complete lack of respect towards me. He sent me an e-mail and when ever I see the word I love you.. it just feels empty. I developed a roll of film with pictures we took the week that he was here and I cant helpt but to think that his heart is not all there. In reality right now I feel empty.

don't get me wrong, I love him and I am not getting a divorce, I think I am experiencing mixed emotions from the nightmare I just came out of. I don't want to scare him off but I wish I could express to him how I feel right now but I am afraid that he will not like qhat I have to say. there is a saying that sais that something are better not said but if I hide it from him wouldnt' that just hurt us in the long run for not exposing my feelings. I think he should know exactly how I feel so that he might know how to mend our relationship. what do you think?

I wouldn' tell him over the phone because he might get defensive and not let me finish what I have to say. I was thinking more of an e-mail or a letter so that it will sink and it would be something he can go back to. If I tell him over the phone he might forget or overlook some important things. I could say that it is something I need to get off my chest so that way he wont feel attacked. whats your point of view on this?

In regards to the family awareness program, is a program that helps military families in any given need before, during, and after deployment. They offer support, and financial assistance. They also have a list of programs available that might assist the family acording to the need. There is a family awareness program for every county that handels several units. They are like the point of contact between the military and the families. They are informed of everything the family needs to know in regards to what ever is going on while husbands are away from home. They are able to contanct the high rank leaders of the unit and if needed they will get the word across to the spouses in case of emergency. They keep files of important information for every soldier in their unit so they are an excelent source for the family. The family would need to call the unit coordiantor to find out who is in charge of the program for their husbands unit.

There is a website also that you might refer military families to, its "myarmylifetoo.com". it keeps families informed of inportant military information and programs available doring deployment.

Keep hanging in there, it will be a wild roller coaster ride of emotions.

Read up about marriage building and print out the questionnaires, policy of agreement and whatever else you can share w/your husband and definitely go see him if you can.

I would also suggest seeking counseling thru the family program while he's away to help you cope w/his absence and his betrayal.

I do want to point out something which I think needs to be addressed. You said:

"He called me around 830p upset because I got the military involved. He told me he had ended what ever went on between him and her, that I didn't need to get the military involved. I lied and told him that when I called seeking help that they were already aware of the situation and were already handeling it. he told me that if I was going to be getting on his case about it and was not going to be happy to divorce him now."

I don't believe lying is okay for either spouse. Please read about Radical Honest on this site and consider talking to your H about this. I know you lied out of fear and I think that if you share that w/him he will hopefully understand.

I've only been on this site for a little while so you may want to get more advice from one of the pros, but that was my opinion for what it's worth. :-)

Take care.

Susie, what you're going through is absolutely normal. However, it would be a bad error to send a letter, email, or call your husband to express your anger. I know what you're feeling. He hurt YOU. Now you want him to hurt too. I beg you not to give in to it. The feeling will pass and you will get better.

The thing is, his EA had no more to do with you and your marriage than it did the location of Saturn in the sky. It was about being drifting slowly from a passing acquaitance with a woman, to a friendship, and then somehow to a relationship he was not even aware he was vulnerable for. I'm not a psychologist but I'm sure one would tell you it was compounded by stress and distance from you. When he got back to you, he began to come out of the fog and that process seems to have been pushed on down the road to recovery by the actions of his commander.

That is not to say it's over. He must regain your trust and that's a long process. You two need to find some good, pro-marriage couples counseling while he's home from the deployment. YOU would probably benefit from some immediate individual counseling. Check with the hospital on post or with the same folks who helped you contact your husband's commander.

Lady, you've done fantastic. You're going to be one of the success stories out here. I can feel it.

thanx for your advice, but right now he is not able to contact with me and that just makes things hard. You are right, I am not going to send him anything or say anything about my anger but i hope one day he answers some of my questions.

I am going to write a long letter where I can express everything that i feel in my heart but I will keep it for my self. Any time i am angry about it I will just add to it, I don't think right now would be a good time to share that letter. But maybe down the road after seeking counceling I will give him the letter just so that he knows what he put me thru. I don't want this episode to repeat.


YOu are right we do need counceling but I will take care of myself first. I will contact Force 1 group to get the help I need. They offer 5 seesions for free for counceling. I am going to take advantage of that.

Guess what? I got the phone bill and I found out that he called her 7 time with in 2 days over 350 mnts worth of calls. That frustrated me so much. He called her before he went to the training that means he met her before that and it didn't just happen like he said, he had been talking to her. I called the phone company and they dont see any more callls made in previous months just March 22 & 23th. That has brought anothr point, what else could he be lying to me about.

The next time he calls I am going to ask him to come out clean because if our marriage is going to survive is going to have to be with a fresh start and that means no lies.

24give

You are right, I lied out of fear because I ddn't know how his reaction was going to be since we are dealing with the military but I was so hurt I just wanted to avoid a confrontation. I guess nothing will make sence until we both get some serious marriage counceling. For now will just deal with this the best way possible.

I was reading about the making it safe for both of us now tht the affair was exposed, now I know why. Its too easy to hurt each other back and forth. but It will take much more effort to not go there. I will be the better person and hold my toung when I do talk to him. I wish I could stop hearting and stop thinking abot the many ???? that keep poping in my head. WHy, why why, or the How could he?? I dont' think I will ever make sence of tht. Today has been one of those days where I am not thinking clear. I will not act upon my thoughts. I will just release my anergy on something else.

Something positive for a change... I lost 12 pounds in one month, that made me feel much better. I am going to continue working out to keep me focus. a healthy way of realeasing my anger.