My H of 24 yrs has just moved out to live with the OW. It has been a 3-yr on and off again affair. He says he can't try to put our marriage back together anymore. I still love him and want him back. Should I stick with Plan A or now that he's out should I move to Plan B? We have 2 teenage boys.

Have you been doing Plan A for the three years? That would be hard. It sounds as if Plan B is in order to me.

Have you really been doing plan A? If not why not start with plan A. My H has moved out but I'm still going to try plan A. I'm not in contact with him, but I started sending him notes along with his mail. I don't know if it will do any good but what have I or you got to lose? You have two teenagers so there must be some contact through them. If they are in sports and school functions what ever let him know about them. But the best thing is to do what you are comfortable with. You know if you want to saty in contact or if you are ready to tell him that you are stopping all contact until he ends the affair.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

Dear Paul Moyers & SDS< Thanks for your replies. I've been working on Plan A for about 6 months. We've both been working on things on and off for the past three years. He just can't let go of her. He'll tell her it's over, she'll call 6 months later and off he goes to visit her. She then leaves after a couple months and he doesn't hear from her for another 4-6 months. In the meantime he resents our lives here, too much stress, doesn't like his job, doesn't like the fast pace, and he says it's all my fault because I asked him to move back to the states. He really can't let go of the anger he has towards me, and having her available isn't helping. He says he doesn't want a divorce but I wonder...he says he needs to "fix" things. I asked what needed fixing and he wouldn't answer. He says he feels closer to me now that she is here. He says so many things I don't know whether I'm fooling myself and should just let go, or try Plan B or stick with Plan A. Except for some terrible things I said in the past two weeks (about the OW, to H), I've been pretty good with following Plan A.

Iorana, I know what you mean about saying terrible things about the OW to H it just make them want them even more. I remeber my daughter doing that when she was dating if I put the guy down she was more determined to date him. I stopped doing that when I realized he was acting like a teenager. BUt I blew it when he moved out. Are you seeing a counselor? If you aren't you need to to help you deal with this. I would be wondering about what he means that he feels closer to you with her here. He wants his cake and eat it too? Do see a counselor if nothing else they help you to start thinking straight and then it is a little easier to decide what you want to do. Like I said I'm going to try plan A for a little while, nothing more then notes saying I love him and care about him. I' m not going to say anything about him coming back or leaving her. Just making some deposit in the love bank and pulling a few guilt strings by enclosing pictures of the grandchildren nothing else, for a while. Keep me posted. <P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

SDS, Thanks for your ideas on Plan A, especially sending him pictures of the kids and notes. I think I'll try that for a while. Keeping him close to the kids is really at the top of my list,too. Good luck to you too.