Tmln, as Imanotherone said, it's hard to figure out what to say to you. Your husband is a serial cheater. You've caught him 4 times over a 17-year period. Who knows how many others there were you did not detect? I don’t know that MarriageBoard principles will work on an adulterer who cheats so easily and so often.

Tmln, I think your best move would be to make an appointment for a telephone consultation with Steve Harley. You can lay out the facts and he can ask questions, gathering more information in an hour than we could develop here on the board in a month. He can work with you to set up a plan especially tailored to deal with a serial cheater.

Thank ya'll so much, it helps my feelings that someone is listening.

Yes he does have control of the money, and he can give and take as he pleases. He called a little bit ago and said that tomorrow is his last day, but he's going to stay out there for a few more days and he'll be home next weekend. I told him that was wrong because our oldest son's last baseball game is Tuesday and he could be here to see his son play ball, which is something he's never done. He said he needs time to himself for awhile. I told him the thing is that you're not going to be by yourself though, she'll be with you. He said this ain't about her. I said whatever.

My oldest son reached a point last night at church where he can say that he forgives his daddy now but that he still don't have good feelings towards him. He called his daddy and told him that. He also says that he now wants us to work on it, that he don't want us getting a divorce.

I told him, I can't make your daddy love me anymore. I don't even know if I want to try at this anymore. He's hurt me so many times and I don't want to go through this again, let alone drag my kids through it again. I am so at a lost as to what to do. Part of me just wants to go on with my life and keep him out of it, then for the kids sake of having their daddy, part of me wants to try to work on it. I feel like I'm loosing my mind and don't know which way to go next.

Does any of this make any since? I'm trying to trust in God and know that he's going to work this out one way or the other.

Tmln, God helps those who help themselves. What indication do you have your serial cheater husband has any intention of changing? What, indeed, is there to motivate him to change? You know full well he's going to be in a hotel the next few days, having a fine sex-filled holiday with his newest partner in adultery. Your adulterous husband is going to be satisfing his lust at his children's expense, and you think you need to keep trying so they can have their daddy? I don't understand why you aren't furious with this. All I see is acceptance in your words. There's no passion there. Look, you've busted him big time. You have irrefutable evidence, but you're letting him get off with a suggestion he might be willing to work on the marriage in six months or so?

Lady, I'll say it one more time. Consider a private counseling with Steve Harley if you think there's any chance in the world you can reconcile. If you don't want to do that, go see your attorney, take your private investigator's report with you, and file for a legal separation or divorce in order to protect your children and yourself.

Thank you Longhorn, you really put things into perspective. I am angry, if God would let me hate, I would hate him with everything in me, I don't want him back I'm NOT going through this again.

As far as scheduling a meeting with Steve Harley, I don't have the funds right now. I'm trying to hold on to what I got because I know I won't be getting any money until he goes on the next job.

I just spoke with my attorney and she said that I could come in in the morning and we would get the ball rolling and get it filed.

Thank you so much, you have really got me going now!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tmln, I'm sorry you have had to make this decision, but I think there are few here at MB or elsewhere who will say you are wrong. I think your primary commitment has to be safeguarding your children and yourself at this point. Your husband is thoroughly unrepentant and has threatened to take away his support for your family. That’s in addition to using family resources to indulge himself with his latest partner in adultery out there.

Frankly, his threats place you in a position where you have to respond this way. I’m sure you’ve put this off for as long as you could, but I don’t see you can possibly ignore anymore what has become a way of life for him. I’m glad you’re taking this action because you’re taking charge of your life and that’s always a wonderful thing to see.

Hang in there, Lady. There will be bad days in the time ahead, but you’ll come out the other side intact, sane, and better than you are today. Others have done it; never forget that. You can too. You are not alone.

God Bless you!!! Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I will keep you posted as to what happens.

Give your WH tough love; that is you respecting yourself and not being a victim. Stand up for your rights and take action. Be proactive. If your H sees you making plans, he then has to react instead of just doing whatever he wants. Puts him on the defensive in a good way, without threatening him.

Tmln-
I'm glad to see some folks have posted to you. I've thought about this some since my last post, and I really think the only possible hope you could have to reconcile would happen after a very long plan B. You H has totally taken you and your children for granted. He feels comfortable basically saying, "Tmln, I'm staying out here in Cali on an extended vacation. I plan to screw the daylights out of this OW, and then I'll come home and mope around, hoping you'll just forgive and forget. I really don't want a D, since I'm getting all my EN's met this way, and I really couldn't care less about your EN's. I have no respect for you or for the children. I will lie to our DS to get out of a sticky spot, then I will lie again. I will let you down and disappoint you for as long as you are willing to put up with it. I stand to gain nothing by divorcing you, since then you'll have legal access to my secret savings. I'll just string you along, and tell you I don't love you, and you just keep taking it."

Do you want your children to think their mother is that weak? They will end up hating you more than the H if you lay down and take this. Furthermore, you didn't mention much about H's work, except that it takes him away for long periods of time. Is he self employed? If not, you should expose to the employer. Is the OW someone he knows from work? You should expose there, too. Not trying to sound vengeful, as difficult as it is. But if it were me, I wouldn't feel right about letting their secret little A keep plodding along peacefully. Both need to feel a little consequences for their actions.

imanotherone,
He works for a company doing nuclear shutdowns, so he goes from state to state quite often for 2 to 3 months at a time. I don't know who the ow is due to the fact that it's taking place out in ca. I have her tag number and I plan on giving it to the attorney tomorrow so maybe she can find out who she is. He won't tell me anything about her.

He keeps saying that he's not in love with me and that he's not ready to work on things, so that leaves me no alternative but to go ahead with the divorce. I can't keep going through this.

Sunday, instead of paying for his room out of his acct. he paid for it out of our joint acct and went shopping. So I called the bank and reported his card as missing. Now he has no access to the acct. He's on his own, so if he blows his money on her this week, I guess he'll be stuck out there cause he's not getting any from me.

My son is upset that I don't want to try and work things out, but he don't understand that I can't do this anymore. What else can I do?

I'm fairly new around here and not in a position to give much advice -- you have some great stuff from some much more seasoned and knowledgeable people than me.

I did want to comment on this, though:

Kids never want to see their parents get divorced. That's just how it works. And most kids hold fantasies of their parents getting back together for years and years after a divorce -- even if one or both parents has remarried.

Even very mature, bright kids don't have the capability to really understand or make these kinds of adult decisions. That's why we don't let them legally enter contracts or get married or drive or make other serious decisions at their ages. They just don't have the necessary tools.

Obviously, you need to listen to and address your son's feelings. But letting him have a say in your final decision, or leaning on him to make decisions for you, could really end up causing big problems for both of you. Your son could end up feeling responsible for causing a D (if that's what happens), or hating you or his father for not working hard enough at it ... or a hundred other really unhealthy things for a kid to have to take on his shoulders.

I'm not saying that you should hide anything from your kids, especially since your oldest already knows. I'm just saying that you need to be very careful about putting too much responsibility for decision making on your son.

Again, I'm not one of the experts around here, and it's possible that I misunderstood your posts. So take my post with a pretty big grain of salt! Good luck.

Thank you AmiWalsh, it does make sence what you're saying. I'm not going to let him make my decision for me, but I don't want him upset at me for making the decision that I have. I tried to explain to him that I just can't go through the lies and deceit anymore. I wish that I could make his daddy change and everything be ok, but that's a choice that his daddy has to make, and it's pretty obvious that my wh needs some type of help. He's just got to realize that and then make the choice to get the help.

I didn't know my oldest son knew anything until it came out about the ow. Then I found out that he'd been sitting outside my bedroom door listening to my conversations when he was supposed to be in bed. I have managed to keep it from the 7 yr old. He's a daddy's boy and I look for him to take it really bad. I'm not looking forward to sitting down and telling him next week when his daddy gets in town.

Hmmm...nuclear industry, eh? Can you spell..

S e c u r i t y B r e a c h?

I've done some work in that arena, and the hours are pretty long, if memory serves. Most likely, the OW is in the workplace, unless he barhops with all his spare time.

In any event, think about exposing to boss, in the name of security concerns. (What if she steals his ID badge when he's in a post-coital slumber? Sounds like a made-for-TV movie, but it does happen.) Like I said, most likely workplace affair, so your exposure will take the excitement out of the sneaking around part.

Stroke of brilliance on cancelling the credit card. I love it! That's the kind of mindset you need right now. Self preservation. Good luck!

the hours have been 12 to 13 hour days, I think she's in the work place too, but I have no way of finding out. Of course he's not saying anything because he knows what I'll do from past experiences...trust me, it ain't pretty. Then again he may have met her in a bar, I don't know and I don't care anymore, I just want him out of my life other than dealing with the kids. I can't mess his job up for him cause then there won't be any money at all. He's the type that would then go to work under the table so I couldn't find out how much he's making, been there done that one too!

I thought cancelling the cards was a good idea also, it put a smile on my face that hasn't been there in awhile. I still smile when I think about it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, job ended last Friday (05/19/06)and he's decided to stay out in CA with ow for another week or so. He hasn't sent any money since last Wed. He said he needs money to live on now until the next job comes along, never mind about the kids and the bills that need to be kept up. It's all about him right now. I asked why he was staying out there another week and he said cause it's what I want to do. So I guess nobody else matters right now but him and what he wants.

I've put in some applications and sent off my resume to a few places, but I can't make the money that needs to come in here.

What happens now that he's in contempt of court? Does it really make a difference? Does the court hold him to it? What now?

Talk to your attorney, tmln. A complaint has to be filed in most states but yes the court will force him to honor his obligations as listed in the court order.

Longhorn, I did get in contact with my attorney and she's going to file some kind of papers to expedite things and get him in contempt of court. Thanks!

Why does this hurt so much? You would think after going through it as many times as I have with him that it'd get easier.

He finally called today after ignoring us for 4 days. He's on his way home. He's gotten so mean. He screamed and cursed at me and I sit there and let him do it, never raising my voice or cursing or anything. He sounds like a totally different person. I don't understand what's going on with him. I just wish this would all hurry up and be over with but we know that's not going to happen for at least another 11 yrs or unless I die first. At this rate who knows!!!

I'm so sorry to hear he's getting verbally abusive, tm. You can't take this another 11 years. Don't even try it. It's setting too bad an example for your children. You can't possibley want them to grow up abusers and adulterers like their father so don't let that happen. Since your husband can't stop seeing other women at your and your children's expense, you need to take legal action to separate him from the family. I guarantee you, tm, there's life after divorce and it's remarkably calm and free from attacks on your sanity.

He's supposed to be served tomorrow if all goes well. I have no intention of letting it go on any further than what it has, I should be shot for letting it go on as long as I have.

He rolled into town today, came to see the boys and actually told them not to blame me that this was all his fault, that he did something very bad and that he takes total blame for it. The 7 yr old didn't take it to well, he thinks mama should be able to forgive daddy and everything go on as usual. The 15 yr old on the other hand has caught onto his daddy's lies and I worry about the feelings that he's starting to have towards him.

I'm going to go to a divorce care class next week. I think that'll help me, it's at a local church near by.

Longhorn, thank you so much for your words of encouragement and your support, you don't know how much it means and how much it helps. Thank You!!!

Stay strong, tm. Let your attorney handle things from here on in the divorce part of your life. Don't do any negotiating with him on the divorce; refer it all to your lawyer, okay. Tell us about the divorce care class as it progresses, okay?

We're all out here to support you, tm. Never doubt that.

I just had to share this, I'm so excited right now. I GOT A JOB!!!! I start Monday. God is so good!