just droppped off daughter at h. gave him plan b letter-outlined visitations. he throw it on the floor. said i was full of hate-why cant we get along. i am shaking- he started telling me i was ruining my daughter and that this is why we cant live together. daugher started crying saying she cant be with daddy <BR>he said he wouldnt give me another penny until the hearing. i said fine, i dont want your money. you wont be seeing d until then either.<BR>she was crying so hard that i started to leave w. her. he said something stupoid and i told him he was a piece of s@@@. i told him to look me in the eye and tell me he wasnt in love w ow and he did. looked me square in the eye and told me he didnt love her. why does he lye? i am shaking so bad. i cant \keep putting my d in this position. what do I DO???

Cheryl... yow...<P>Time and time again, he pushes your buttons. When he threw the letter on the floor, your response should've been (in a calm voice) -- "I'm sorry that's the way you feel. I'm just trying to protect myself from hurting. It's not meant to be hateful at all." Also, you probably shouldn't have been there when he read it. You probably should've mailed it even. Well, that's all water under the bridge now... Let's focus on what you can do moving forward...<P>For your daughter's sake, you must maintain control, even when your husband loses it. If he gets all verbally abusive and stuff, you just have to ignore it. And don't ask him any more about OW! You know what kind of answer he's gonna give you before you even ask. Just don't do that to yourself anymore. I know you love-busted big time this time, but use the next time you see him as an opportunity to be calm. Imagine yourself not saying anything when he blows up at you. Imagine yourself explaining calmly that you cannot be hurt anymore by him. And if he blows up on you, imagine yourself ignoring what he says until he's done.<P>This has got to be the hardest thing to do. He can push your buttons so easily Cheryl. Even if you feel rage and the need to yell at him, bite your lip if you have to. Walk away. Just don't respond until you are well out of range...<P>good luck.<BR>--andy

Take a deep breath. Sit down and calm down. It seems to me when anything bad happens it happens on a Fri. Eve. when you can not do anything about it. Do you have a lawyer? I hate to think about getting a lawyer involved until you have to I think you have to. You need to file for legal separation just to protect you and you D. You need to spell out visitation priviledges and make arrangements that you do not have to see your H. Get a family member or a good friend to take and pick up D. Donot put your self through this. This will keep the the angry words from happening in front of your D. As for his lying I don't know, they all seem to do it. No help. Just take it easy and calm down being upset will only make it worse for you D. Let me know how you are doing.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

Andy- why dont you come and do this with me, please???? You always know what to say. I tried so hard. he started attacking me and i told d i would be back to get her. i started for the door and she started to scream. i went back to comfort her and then he started in again. i held me tongue-longer than i have before-but this hate thing really got to me. he is the lier-the deciever-the hater. yes, he pushed my buttons and hard. i dont know if i can do this. i wish i would have posted this before i left, to get some input. the whole way over i told myself i wasnt going to say anything to him. First words out of his mouth- Are you upset? Why are you upset? I didnt answer him. He said-oh now we get to play the silent game-you are being rude. still i said nothing. <BR>thanks for you encouraging words. i just wish i could get them through me head.<P>sds- h filed for divorce. havent been to a hearing yet. i al trying to be reasonable here, but i feel like i'm between a rock and hard spot. when it comes to my daughter, i will do anything i can to not make her hurt anymore than she already is.<BR>thanks for being there.<P>cheryl

Cheryl. You have plan b set up go ahead and put it into motion. I know it is hard to control your emotion and no matter what you say or do he seems to use it against him. It maybe that your best option is to do plan B and not have contact with him. It would be best for your D. I don't know if he was like this before the OW ar is this new since the OW. I don't know what else for you to do it except try to put it out of your mind. Sure easy thing to do huh. Spend time with your D. play with her read to her anything because you have to be calm for her and it will calm you down. I'm sorry I can't be of more help.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

sds- thanks again. your words to help. i am better now. went and worked out-got some of the anger out. it seems to me that all along in our relationship he has been able to catch me off guard and then blame me for it. yes, i do react. that is the kind of person i am. reactionary. it is so hard for me to know that he is still in love with her but keeps lying. i don't understand that. he has moved out, he has filed for divorce, he says he wants no part of me, but he wants to be my friend. dont get it. this is his 3rd marriage, 3 affair (no, i was not an affair). he is sick. i know that there is something not right in his head. he obvisiosly is looking for something he cant find. im certain that it in not in the ow. part of my wishes they would shack up and get it over with. since they live 100's of miles away from each other, and the fact that she is married w/ 3 kids, makes that difficult. i believe this 'love affair' could go on forever.<BR>thanks for responding. thanks for the thoughts.<P>God bless,<P>cheryl

Cheryl,<P>Wouldn't it be cool if you had a little guardian angel on your shoulder whispering in your ear, telling you what to say? :p<P>You could've answered his questions about whether you were upset. It's just the way you answer them that should change. It has to be calm. When he asks "Are you upset?" you answer "Well, yes, but I'm trying to stay under control. Let's not talk about it so we don't get into a fight."... you know, something like that. Always deflect the conversation away from any potential argument subject matter.<P>I know this is so easy for me to say sitting here at my PC typing this, and so much harder for you to do in real life. Actually it sounds like you did pretty good for a while. It's just that the guy has a way of pushing you and pushing you until you crack. It's not really your fault. He's TRYING to get you riled up. It really is a good idea to implement that Plan B! Limit all contact with him. That's your best bet. The less you see him, the less you'll be upset at him.<P>I'm sending you strength vibes from over here in SoCal!<P>--andy

Update- Went to pick up daughter. I went in and asked how she did and where they went. H was kinda cordial. I apolized for my behavior earlier. I told him that my letter was in no way meant to be evil. I told him that I felt it was necessary due to the fact that I am very hurt by what is happening. I also told him that I was not full of hate, I was full of hurt. That there is a difference. I told him that since this experience is to painful to me, that we do are very best to refrain from asking each other any thing about our lives. We only need to communicate when it comes to our daughter. He just looked at me with that blank stare of his. He said, good night, see you in the morning. <BR>I don't know how this will go, but I felt better about apologizing and telling him my true intentions. <BR>Did I do ok?<P>Cheryl

I'm sorry this happened. this must be horrible. Have you heard of a program called <BR>"For the sake of the children"? It has lots of info on how to keep kids out of the line of fire.<P>I know it really helped me. My kids Deadbeat dad has given me 20.00 dollars in the last two months & believe he makes big bucks. He sees the kids all the time, even though I would love to tell him to forget until he pays up. I have to struggle to keep my mouth shut, when the kids are around. I want them to love their dad & not burden them with all the BS.<P>Maybe he'll wake up & smell the coffee.

Cheryl,<P>Yeah!! You did so good! Right on! Perfect! I'm proud of how you handled yourself. Don't let his blank stare worry you. It just means he didn't know what to say.<P>Anyway, you did good. Keep that up.<BR>--andy

Dear CC -<BR>This is from your friend that you email. Your plan B letter was very good. He probably retorted to you originally in shock. Habit. For not getting his way. It took a lot of courage to write that letter.<P>You did fantastic later when you picked up Emma. I am very proud of you. It's a plan B that your husband is finally realizing is best, and it is sinking in.<P>God Bless you<BR>M4B

I'm proud of you too. Just got home and missed all the commotion. I'm so sorry. He's been practicing pushing your buttons for so long, he knows exactly what to do. But you DID overcome it when you went back and that's great.<P>Try to get at least a little sleep so that you can handle the morning, ok? It'll get easier with practice. Hey, after I take d to get new toe shoes in the morning, we'll work on a plan. LOL (whatever that means!!!)<P>I'll talk to you later.<P>Lori

OOps - I forgot. I READ your letter, remember? It was not full of hate at all. It was polite, respectful, very fair as far as d is concerned, and well thought out. He just couldn't handle the fact that you were strong enough to do it. You know that. <P>I think I'm finished now.<P><BR>Lori