No I am not psychic, it would be nice though. Thanks for letting me know.

Plans are almost fixed. I am getting used to the idea of being "single" again (we will only be separated at first, I guess to see if this is what she wants, though it may end up being what I want). I want to look on the bright side, and take this opportunity to grow some more and explore who I am. The next relationship will be better, I am convinced, but only if I can make good changes in me.
WW will be happy mostly. I don't think she has much guilt or remorse, nor does the OM. It's not my job to make them feel a certain way though. God is the judge, and I am glad for that.
I do get the impression that both of them are putting their own happiness above all else in their lives. Happiness is an important goal to work towards, and I do believe that God is wanting us to be happy and fulfilled in His own way. The problem is when we make happines our end goal, because then it becomes self-serving rather than focused on God and relying on Him to guide us. Not saying those in an A are completely gone that way, but often it seems to come close. Happiness overrides holiness, and then the spiral begins. His laws and boundaries are for our good, not to trip us up. But live without them, and we have major problems.
My job right now is to let go of me and her and us, and hold on to Christ and find myself again in Him. My identity as a husband has come to an end, but I am still many other good and useful things.
I don't have much hope for our M, but I still do believe in miracles, so I can't rule out the possibility of renewal for us. I'm just not going to hold on to any real hope for it.
The stupid thing is that I have forgiven them for the A and I am willing to move on and restore our M, but the A does still exist strongly (and will for sure intensify when I move out & do Plan B) and hinders my wife from being willing or able to work on us. So be it. All this mess will be on her conscience. I have tried hard, and now it is time for tough love (maybe that should have been here long ago) and for me moving on. At least I will still have my kids a lot. I have lots of fun plans for them and for me.
Any more advice for preparing for Plan B/legal separation?

"WW will be happy mostly. I don't think she has much guilt or remorse, nor does the OM."

Is this something you are looking at changing in you? The DJs?

Have you considered when you do that, you negate God's design?

And you do it to his creation...your self, also, when you call what they have happiness...as if it is real and not fantasy?

Where's your payoff, 1W? Find it...know it is false...you are fuller, more real and marvelously made than that...

You nailed it about happiness being the worst value...I was happy (little pun in there) to read that in "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend.

They have a whole section on holiness in marriage...

It is a scripturally based book.

You won't be single for quite awhile, will you? Would a single state of mind be of aid to you? Or would it be a spiral waiting to happen?

"and will for sure intensify when I move out & do Plan B)" Predicting the future negates God, because he only designed us for the present. When we predict the future, especially this strongly, then we open ourselves to self-deceit, possess pain which is not ours yet, and intensify our present in a way which will change the future negatively.

Stay present, 1W...your situation resounds with pain and fear and I believe you staying here, working on yourself, focusing on relationships, God and your issues would better serve you and your marriage than a single state of mind.

LA

Thanks for the focus advice! I do think ahead too much, and turn probabilities into guaranties concerning their future behavior.
I am concerned for myself becoming single again. The M has helped or motivated me to stay on the narrow way, almost as a crutch. I'm just afraid that freedom suddenly thrust upon me will open the door to many temptations I am not quite ready to face. But again, following your advice, I need to stay present. Each day is it's own. Jesus doesn't say follow me tomorrow, but right now where we are.
All of this still feels like I personally failed as a husband, as if there might be something else I could do to save this marriage. But I know that without her wanting me to be her husband I cannot force my way in. Time for Plan B, and rebuilding myself ("We can make him better, stronger, faster...") (Bionic Man from 1970s for you young pups!)
More again soon. This is so hard, but then so is training for a sport, and that just makes us stronger.

Good self-insight on your fear of being single...that you've seen your wife and marriage as making you something better than you would be on your own.

Lots of fear there.

What do you think of the idea that your wife can't protect you, make you, anything that you aren't already?

You said you feel like you failed as a husband. Why?

If there is something you can do...you would do it, right?

What if it is this?

"But I know that without her wanting me to be her husband I cannot force my way in." You already are in...you are both in a marriage. There isn't any forcing to be done. It is the fact of your life.

What she wants is hers...not yours. What you want is yours. Own what you want. Do not hide it from yourself because it doesn't fit your self-image.

I thought you were already working on yourself...part of Plan A? So I don't get that part of Plan B...except the humor. I like your humor and believe it is something you like and accept about yourself.

LA

I haven't been single since college, where I had lots of friends to hold me accountable. Life is different in the "real" world, and most of my friends are scattered across the country. My wife has always been my best friend, but I am learning and will learn who I am without her. She does not "make me" anything, but she does complete me. She might not like that idea, but I still believe it is a part of marriage, that the 2 become 1, and that 1 is greater than the 2 separately. We believed this about us when we got married, but she lost that view along the way.
I still believe in us, but my hope dwindles with each day. I believe that the A will die within a year (but then I had hopes that Rap music would do the same!), but I don't know that I will be much willing to restart our relationship at that time. I can be a "doormat" for a while, but eventually my self-respect kicks in and says "No!" Being a husband is "laying down my life" for my wife, but I am only a man after all. Even Jesus, when He forgave the soldiers while hanging on the cross, did not come down and make them tea! There are limits to love, even in such amazing love. Or else it switches between "nice" love and tough love.

I have felt for a long time that my wife does not want what I have to give, which is too bad because I have a lot to offer her, and not just as the father of her children. I do greatly desire her happiness, and the blessing of her whole person. For this marriage to continue, she must believe that.
Maybe in God's plan our separation will lead to our healing and the renewal of our marriage and the love she once had for me. All I know for sure is that this adultery and all the deceit that has gone on, as well as a future divorce, are not God's best for us, not His will. He does desire blessing and peace for us, but not at the expense of holiness and integrity in our lives.
I feel that there is a difference between stumbling into a sin and walking in it. All of us make mistakes, sin in many ways. Forgive each other and get on with life. But when someone is choosing a life of sin (like staying in an affair and ending a marriage partly because of it), that is so much more damaging, and threatens to change our character and the course of our life. The past year seems so out of character for my wife, at least as much as I knew of her, but the longer she remains on this path the more it will define her and affect her ability to make right choices in the future. She will read this and think that I am just focusing on "right and wrong" again, but to abandon that thinking so as to pursue "happiness" is to use our freedom as a cover up for evil, and to cheapen grace and justify our sins.
She has chosen, and I have chosen, and soon we will be separate. Not yet divorced, but that will follow soon unless a very great miracle (or 2) happens. I believe that I will find even more strength and passion in the weeks to come, and God will lead me and be with me. I look forward to what He has to teach me, and the blessing that will come during this trial.

UPDATE:
WW filed for divorce today. I was planning on moving tomorrow, starting "Plan B" or something close, but I guess we are now in Plan D. So I will make the best of my move, and make a great place for the kids to come when they are with me. We will have something close to joint custody, and the kids are looking forward to "Daddy time" already. They will feel the pain of this broken home, but that't life, and that's her choice and what she has wanted for a while. It almost seems easy for her, no stress or pain, just getting all that she wants (me gone, OM in).
I'm certainly not a perfect man, but I offered her something the OM can't: a whole family, and growing old together. She didn't want that with me.
I'll probably move to the Divorcing forum soon. Please pray for all of us, especially for the kids. We will be "fine" someday, as after an amputation your wound heals but you are never the same. Guess we weren't the fortunate ones who recovered their marriage and family.

How do you know she filed for D today?

If she really did, that will be all it means, 1W...she filed. Many don't...they want instant stuff and divorce takes time...teaches them what isn't in their control...and there are quite a few that don't go through.

Please do not choose your actions based on hers anymore.

I respect your choices. You still jump future...instead of talking about pain today. You are still DJing...and I would like you to embrace you and stop doing that...I know you will when you realize what you do to her, you do to yourself and your children...everyone.

If you are believing her, or you were served, and you feel fear, anger, frustration and rage...tell us. Learn to state what is yours, not sketch the dynamics around it, 'k?

God's in your corner, 1W...you're not powerless or being thrown away...he's reaching and he won't stop.

LA

I moved out this weekend to my Mom's, still in process on moving into my new appartment this week.
I have given up completely on this marriage. Only some major miracle would even begin to turn us around. Her affair has finished off any chances for us to reconcile, and I hope at least that she owns that much. She and OM visited his parents this weekend. She even boasted to OM's mom that it is easy to get a divorce on the internet. His mom said to my mom after the visit she felt confused and "in the middle" and didn't know what to do or say, though she knew it was all wrong. She may not know everything yet either.
For my sake, I hope the D goes through quickly, so I can get on with my life and make it better than before.
I still hope the A ends soon, as it is not a healthy thing for the kids to experience on top of our divorce.
My daughter cried last night when I dropped her off, which moved my heart and made me wish this mess could be resolved better. No chance of that from my view, but I leave that one to God in His wisdom. I have closed the door on hope, though for now I leave it unlocked, knowing God's ways are higher than ours.
It's time to move on and be the best me and the best dad I can be. This will probably be my last post here, though I may move to the Divorcing area. Feel free to send a message to me through the forum, and please continue to pray for me and for my kids (and my mom). Thanks.

IW -
I do offer my prayers. You are in such a painful situation. My ex is now feeling the consequences of his decisions. It has been over a year and the affair is now ending. I had to divorce as well - only I filed. I could not bare to go through the "fog" again. It almost killed me the first time.

For what it's worth - things will get better for you. She will see the other person's true colors, but it will take time. And she will have to live with a lifetime of consequences. Be the best man of God you can be. He does a great job of rebuilding lives.

Sorry 1 wounded. I hope and pray you are fighting for FULL/Primary custody. Your wife and perhaps even your enabling mother in law should, in my opinion, only be allowed supervised visitation. I am not saying that to be mean but I know the effect affairs have on children and the damage done by an intrafamily affair will only magnify that.

Besides, not a single choice you made should deny you full access to your children. You ARE the OBVIOIUSLY most fit parent for your children and your Step-Father/OM should be restricted FOREVER from being anywhere near his victims/your children. Fight for custody NOW and even if you lose you'll be in a better position to win later when your then XW does the next crazy thing WHICH YOU KNOW WILL HAPPEN. THIS IS NOT VINDICATIVE ADVICE...it's your parental resposibility to protect your children from these people.

Mr. Wondering

My heart and prayers go to you and your children.
I am truely sorry, I have been there done that and have the t-shrit to prove it.
Divorce hurts so deeply everyone involved. It is never the best choice but it is the last one you are offered.


May God reach down and fill your heart again so one day you will love completely and without reservation.


Sunkissedbaech.

So I get a T-shirt out of this? Cool!!
Thanks for the encouragement. I know I will get through this and be a better man for it. I am more concerned for the kids right now. WW doen't see all the consequences yet, and still wants to justify her adulterous relationship because it makes her happy, as if something good makes up for all the wrongs. Too bad for her. At this point, I've stopped praying that God would save our marriage, but I do hope God turns her around someday soon, for her own good as well as for the kids. I hate that they are seeing mommy and "papaw" together in the ways we once were.
And this isn't just about "stumbling" into a sin here or there, it is walking in sin, daily choosing to continue their illicit relationship, calling evil good and delighting in it. They stay in their sins and somehow expect God to wash them off while refusing to leave the slimy mud pit.
Oh well, I digress. I am working on building a new life for me and my kids. It will be better than before, and someday I hope to meet a better woman, and walk in love with her all of our days. That's the dream anyways.
Thanks for your prayers. I expect most of this mess (the divorce) should be over within a month or two. God speed the day, and give me strength and focus to reach the other side.