My wife and I of nearly 3 years are heading for divorce. Basically, I wasn't there emotionally for the past year and I take the blame for taking her for granted. She felt alone. She takes the other half of the blame and says she should of spoke up before it got to this point. We are on good terms and I've given her space to think, been kind as always, respectful, and caring...yet she still wants to divorce.

Anyway, the closer the Divorce comes, the harder time I'm having letting it all go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Can someone who has been down this path give me some tips of what to do or not to do as far as recovering from divorce? Any good books? Anything that helped you the most? Anything inspirational?

I would LOVE to hear anything, I need it. Thank you!

Paul,
I read and meditate every morning. I find that my personal pain has brought me closer to God. I beleive this is the way it's designed. I also know that prayer works for peace of mind. I am currently reading "the purpose driven life" by Rick Warren. Love this book! Of course there are a few MB books I can recommend...lol. I also read PSALM 25 on a regular basis...it helps alot. When I learned to let go of the rancor...I began to live again. I was almost convinced I wasn't a good father and husband by my stbx...she is wrong about that. My kids love me and the time I spend with them. I am so grateful to be with them today and all that I have learned at MB.

God Bless!

Daniel

How far are you from your final divorce ?

Have you done plan A ?.

First, allow yourself time. “Getting over it” isn’t something you do, it’s something that happens. Take good care of yourself. That doesn’t mean going out and throwing yourself into the arms of a beautiful woman, or drinking yourself silly, as tempting as those may be.

I like the Mind, Body, Spirit approach. Do something to exercise and occupy your mind, like learn a new hobby, read important books, or take a class. Do something for your body. Exercise is great at staving off the blues. If you’re already exercising, try a massage. Do something for your Spirit. Prayer, religious ceremonies, meditation, volunteering, whatever.

Now, if you only have a short amount of time… get creative and roll them all into one! Check out a bird book from the library and go for a hike in a remote marsh or forest while looking for birds.

Hi Paul,

I'm pretty close to having my D over with too,just waiting for our court date and then the 4 months of waiting for the paperwork to come back finalized.I know it's the best outcome for me but yet it still makes me feel sick inside.I rarely talk to my WH now but when I do it's quite nauseating and terrible.So I also have to deal with quite a bit and what I do is pray,take walks,spend a lot of time with my children,talk with my Mom or friends who understand,reflect,etc.It all may not make it that much easier but then D isn't easy at all.

There are tons of self help books and groups out there if you are so inclined.I'm not yet but I may get some books for later on.I have just about every book written on Infidelity but that tme has passed and I find I'm not quite ready to be delving into the D books yet.I'm not past it all far enough either to feel like I am in any kind of recovery yet.Still in endure mode I guess.The way I feel now makes me want to remind everyone that you need to take time to heal after D,a long time,before being involved with anyone else.

I've seen other's mention DivorceCare.com as an option to find a group near you.I'm still pondering going to a seminar myself.Also being here has helped me a lot.Everytime I start to feel insecure about what is going on,I come back and read and am reminded about what a good job I have done taking care of my kids,that my priorities were in order and that I did all I could to save my marriage and my WH is the one with the problems,in my case.I will always feel sad that my family was destroyed and my marriage too but the people here remind me why that was and that you can go on and still have a happy life one day.

I have also just gone through a divorce and the best advice that was given was exactly what they gave you. It doesn't matter who pursued killing the marriage, your there. It takes time to heal but it all comes at a hefty price to pay. It is hard on the kids especially 8 to 13 year olds. The friends you had together are not there for one or the other, finances are split, you may have to work or work more hours to make ends meet. There are tons of other reasons not to divorce but some times you don't see it till after the divorce. Just remember divorce does not stop you and your ex having contact if you have kids. If you couldn't decide on things for the kids before the D it doesn't get better after the D, I'll testify to that it gets worse. So if this is want you want I suggest rethink it. But if the other keeps doing things you can not deal with anymore then getting you and the kids out of their is probably a better choice for now.

Hi Paul,

I'm 6 years post-divorce. I will tell you, it was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through in my life. This is to say to you, don't ignore the pain. You must feel it and move through it. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. (Oh my, am I ever mixing my metaphors!)

Divorce ain't fun. This I know after my 15 year marriage ended. In fact, today would be my 21st wedding anniversary, were I still married. But, I can look on that without malice or regret or even sadness. I respect my ex-H and wish him well, but I am no longer in love with him.

So, my advice... be good to yourself. Whatever gives you pleasure, do it. A massage, a walk in the park, reading a good mystery novel - just DO it. You need to pamper yourself right now.

Second? Cry. Cry and cry and cry. Feel the pain. It should hurt, and hurt a lot. But, after a session of crying, go to the above step.

Third? Accept that you made mistakes, your partner made mistakes, and you are both human. Marriages do not end because of one person. Both partners have a part in the dissolution. If you can acknowledge what you did wrong, it makes it easier to accept what your partner did wrong.

Fourth? Let yourself be happy when happiness is called for. A friend takes you out to dinner and a movie and you have a great time. Enjoy it! It's really OK to have fun now.

Other than that? I don't know. It takes time, effort, and lots of crying to get thru divorce. But, it is possible to come out of it a better and happier person.

Blessings to you.
Lirek

See if there is a DivorceCare group in your area. This is a great support group and is even good for people that are just separated as it has a section on reconciliation.