Hi all! Little background first - Hub and I have been together for 5 years, we have an almost 4 year old together, I have an 8 year old and he has 3 older children. I got pregnant 3 months after we started dating. Needless to say - the 3 year old has gotten all the attention until now. Now we are trying to repair things.

We have become resentful fighting a lot - and I am looking with new eyes not to create more resentments. I am reading His Needs Her Needs for parents and am learning a lot from there. Also - I started posting here because hub having or had potential affair and I received a lot of good support there.

I have more time available to work on things, and am trying to do that. Hub is workaholic, thinks he is going to starve if he is not working - we are working on his schedule to free that up.

He gets overtired, and snappy with me and my resentment has made me say things like "why don't you just go away?" - or F.O. when he is really bitey. I KNOW these are not okay things to say but he would be so hostile I didn't know what else to do. QUESTION #1 - How do I not react but respond to being hammered? Also, there has been numerous times that he will be snappy, directed at me even if not meant for me and I will let it go for a long time and then he pushes me until I lose it.

I am trying to correct myself, and work on things on my end. I think he has to work on his end to - I think that is valuable but am having a hard time approaching him about it because he works so much. When he is free he is tired and doesn't want to be bothered. So our opportunities are very limited. We are committing to getting a babysitter once a week now so we can at least get to know each other again. I have to say - it is awkward but I think thats normal.

How much is going to change if I am the only one working on it? How much can I reasonably push it? Please help me find the timing. Thank you!

Sorry - adding on - basically - how do I support him - while work on things - while getting what the best (even if its not what I want) for the better of our relationship?

As best as you can, be nice and polite. As the old adage goes, kill him with kindness. Returning anger with love is like pouring water on a fire. He may smoke and hiss a while longer, but if you give him no fuel, it will die. Someone a couple of weeks ago posted on here about how their spouse eventually shared with them how fololish they felt after these episodes where nothing but love and kindness was returned. If that is not possible, don't be a doormat. Remove yourself from the situation with the statement that we'll talk when we can both do so civilly. MB people will talk about "setting boundaries." Whatever you call it, this is easier said than done.