In recent correspondence to my husband, I told him that I needed for him to make a decision about where we go from here. He has been home since October '05, and is, basically, still avoiding me, and the elephant in the room. My correspondence was as follows:

"I need for ‘us’ to make a decision on how we are going to move forward? I have not heard from you regarding my mail, and I need to know what to do in order to try to recover our marriage. This is a very important time, and we are wasting it by not communicating. If you are still in contact with Kristin and cannot get over her, then we need to separate in order for you to finish the affair, love her, and come what may. If you are home just to have some place to live, you will eventually have another affair, as you will not let me satisfy your needs. I do not know what your needs are, and I don’t really believe that you are examining yourself to see what they are. We had a good relationship. We loved eachother. You will not take that from me. We need honesty, care for the others’ feelings, and interest in not hurting eachother, and an agreement to cherish that. This is an important issue; more important than anything else. We cannot sweep this one under the rug. It is not fair that I bare my neck and all my fears, put myself out there for whatever comes my way, and you ignore me. I love you very much, and all that we have been through has proven that to me. I would have my life no other way, warts and all. When it comes to ‘for better or worse’ I feel that this is the ‘worse’ and can be weathered. Your life has been dismantled and you have come to find that it is not perfect, or easy. I’m sorry for that disillusionment. Naiveté is something that no longer exists for either one of us, and that is a huge blow to the psyche. I just want you to acknowledge me. Show me what direction to go in, as I am not the leader here. If you want me to take the reigns, you have to tell me, but I cannot go this alone. Please, talk to me in some way, either respond to this or write it down. I’m suffering greatly by being left in the dark. I cannot read your mind. I need some sort of action or reaction. Call me or email or write a letter or send carrier pigeons, semaphore, anything. I want to save my marriage. That is my stance. I love you, and believe that I could fall for you again, with time and attention. Please tell me something. Don’t leave me this way, in this place."

He has responded by saying that I cannot 'make him happy' and that he now lives in a world of fear, guilt and discord. He mentions that he feels guilty a lot, and that he doesn't include me with his 'new' friends for fear of how I will react or the barage of questions I may have about them (his A was with a 'friend' from work). He feels that he has allowed his decisions to be made for him, and that this is one that he has to make on his own.

Since this correspondence, he has been a tad bit more outgoing around me, and we have spent some time alone, discussing our current lives and perceptions, not discussing the affair. It felt good to really talk, but I still don't have a real decision from him. Is this a pipe dream, or should I demand a verbal agreement? What should I do? I've been the one making all of the painful moves first here, because he is not vested yet, so I'm sort of at a standstill now. Any advice on how to proceed (or how to sit still and wait) would be most helpful.
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Me-34
H - 31
D-Day 07/08/05

When was the last time he had contact with the other woman?

Temp,
wow! You express your emotions very well. I am duly impressed.
The thing is though, that with recent contact and your fwh being in full blown withdrawal as a result, it is not surprising that you got the reaction that you did. He is still deep in the fog. Dont let his fogged out talk effect you. You can still win this battle.
Keep trying to meet his needs even though you may not know what they are right now as best as you can. Avoid the dj's as much as possible as well. This is going to be a long hard battle getting through this fog and the withdrawal from the A. Just keep trying to show him that your M is the best shot he has for happiness in this life. Dont expect your efforts to be appreciated at this point. But do it anyway with the knowledge that this is how you save your M. Dont be a doormat either. You must have some boundaries and you must ask your fwh to not cross those boundaries.
Stay strong! There will be lots of folks here willing to help you.

WCNT

Ready for plan B?

L.

OH for heavens sake plan B...

why go to an alligator and expect it to purr like a kitten....?

tempinsaniity...
why feed in to all his excuses for piss poor behavior....

you don't have to wallow in his guilt and junk..
you don't have to give PERMISSION to see a girlfriend while married..
you don't have to use the WORD LOVE with a person who has no idea what love is....


ARK

The last time that they had any physical contact was last September ('05), she left her employment with the company they work for in late August '05, and that is when the EA turned to a PA. OW apparently told him that she could not continue the A and wanted to work on her marriage with her H. Anyway, that being said, he did have to continue working with her, as her new job was as a consultant to the company. The last phone contact with her was a month ago, for work, I was told. He says that he has now 'gotten over' OW, but that he doesn't know what he wants. I don't think that PlanB is the right move, as he has severed ties, the is no A to speak of. My fear is that he will be looking for something else to take all of this pain and guilt away. He is forthcoming with what he is doing and where he is going, but he acts in a manner that is not part of a twosome. He makes decisions about his day without consulting me; so he's not ready to re-commit. One moment I want to give him the boot, the next I want to stick it out, just to see what happens; maybe a great relationship? I'm reading and posting and he seems to be more aware of how he affects me. You all know that I could go on and on here. I can clarify whatever you need to help, just ask and I'll update. Thank you all so much. I don't feel like I'm losing my mind, as much.

Also, also...how do you touch and love someone who barely does for you. From what I've read, this is common, and may take a loooooong time; I do my best, but feel like him tense when I touch him, and I'm not hideous. I'm quite cute if you ask me damnit (no low self esteem here) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> He does hug back, and give slight affection here and there. This is all just so foreign to me, as we used to have a very affectionate relationship. I'm not whoa is me-ing, I'm looking for others to share so I can trudge on.