I was hoping someone could post the link with more information on Plan B. I didn't save it as I was hoping it wasn't going to come to this.

I kicked WH out last Wed after the latest lie. 6months of Plan A, and he just continues to hurt me and I feel like a doormat. My IC said he thinks this is our only hope, WH has to fear losing his family, and right now he feels like I will never leave, cause he knows this is not what I want.

I was strong the first few days, I actually felt better, relief actually, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I didn't know where he was, who he was with, etc...and for the first time I didn't care anymore.

My concern comes with what to do with the finances, and what to say to the kids. For now I have just been saying daddy's at work and leaving it at that, and so far there haven't been any questions. (They are 2 and 4). That was his excuse during most of the affair, "work". But surely they are going to start asking questions, or overhear things. I am trying my best never to discuss anything in front of them.

Also, with regards to finances, I pay all the bills, budget, etc. Now that I hear he is living with the OW, I am nervous about the $$$. I work part time, (looking for FT) and both are checks are direct deposited. Do I start to separate finances, or is that starting trouble? I am not sure what to do at this point. I obviously can't trust him, he is a compulsive liar, but so far he hasn't stopped his check from being deposited since I pay all the bills. Now the OW...and her brainwashing, really has me concerned....

Any advice?

Thanks-
TS

me BS (32)
WH (32)
2 dd ages 2 and 4
married 9 years
together 13 years
affair 8/2005-11/2005
1st DDay 11/2005, 2nd DDay 3/2006 3rd....last week!

Get an attorney today and do what's available in your locale to establish a legal separation, or as close to it as you can. This varies by locale.

How did you address this in your Plan B letter?

At the advice of my counselor, I gave him aspecific amount of time. I asked him to move out, and I wanted a 3 month separation. In that time, I don't want to see or talk to him unless it is regarding financial issues or visiting the kids. I told him we would no longer be attending family functions together as a family, and that I would not be attending his brother's wedding which is in 2 weeks (where my 2 girls are flower girls).

I told him I did not want to discuss anything about our marriage until he has, gotten a new job, stopped playing softball (with OW),has ended EVERYTHING with OW, and has agreed to counseling. Then we can talk. If after 3 months, there has been no change, I wanted to contact a lawyer and evaluate/discuss our options at that point.

So I guess I left it a little to open ended, which is why I am a little nervous how to handle things now.....

TSTS

Sounds like you are where I will be soon, and IMHO you seem to be doing the right thing. Keep at it!

Get a new counselor.

Dern right you left it open ended.

If you want to follow the MB principles - my recommendation - get a copy of Surviving An Affair and don't do anything else - except fire your counselor and hire an attorney - until you read it twice.

You are not in Plan B. You are in Plan ad hoc precipitated by a dumb a$$ counselor.

WAT

Uh oh, that doesn't sound good. I have read SAA, but its been awhile, it was back in Nov when I first found out. Do I need to get a legal separation, what does that involve? Do we make financial and visitation arrangements, as if we were divorced?

Thanks for any help you can provide, I am just so scard of doing things wrong to jeopardize things at this point....

TSTS

IMHO, IF you're going to kick a WS out - and assuming the WS agrees (he/she doesn't have to) - you ought to have all the legal stuff arranged first, then go straight to a real Plan B.

I recommend you talk to an attorney to find out what's available in your locale. In the meantime, who has access to your money? Do you have joint credit cards? Who's got the car(s)? Who's paying the mortgage/rent? Who really has child custody?

It sounds like he could come home right now and move right back in if he wanted to. Or he may already be draining your bank accounts. See what I mean?

Get to a lawyer fast.

WAT

OMG WAT! I freaked when I read your last post because I have been in plan b since Tuesday and I know he is suffering - but just like TS we have joint accounts and I pay all the bills. And just like TS, I have young children who he needs to visit.

I went into plan b very suddenly, I knew I was going to do it soon, but the pain of Tuesday was too much to bare and I just had to do it then and there. But I haven't 'thought'too much about the financial side of things - re bills.

I have arranged for parenting payments (as sole parent) to be paid into my individual account.

But all of our bills, mortage, carloan, cc's are all from the joint one - which both our pays go into.

I was scared that if I did all the 'full on legal stuff'that he would see it as 'too hard 'to come back, you know?

Sorry for thread-jacking TS, hope that some of the concerns Ive raised are yours too...

zuj

Do you have an intermediary established? That is also part of Plan B - someone to be the go-between so you are not interacting with you WS.

Act quickly on checking into the $$ sitch in your joint accounts.

Kim

Yes Kim, we do. And he is using her to get his 'z' fix just as he was using me! She has had to remind him just to text her about money and kids!

I do have to get the financial side of things sorted. He is spiralling big time, but I dont want him to take what little money we do have down the drain with him, until he comes out the other end my H again!

Thanks

zuj

zuj -
Unless he sees it as too hard to continue?

I recommend assertive financial actions - especially if you have lots to lose. And don't underestimate the effects of huge new debts on jointly held credit cards. All Plan B'ers would be wise to make sure they won't get drug down into the financial cess pool with their WSs.

JMHO

WAT