I'm having a hard time shortening the letter, so later on I'll do another draft that is too short and post that..see if I can build it up that way.

Right now though...I think its because of how close Plan B is, but I'm having a rougher time than I have in a long time.

I'm scared of entering Plan B; partly because I fear it won't work, but more so because how can I be sure that some other way wouldn't work better? What if it does end the A and my wife wants to come back to the marriage...but at that point she can't bring herself to admit it?

What if the fog has/will completely obliterate all positive and happy memories? I mean just today I told her I would be removing her name from both of my bank accounts and she was concerned that I wouldn't give her her money because 'she can't trust me now.' I asked what I have done, at all, that has been untrustworthy and all she said was, "it doesn't matter," and I said, "I think it does since there isn't anything." Does she really believe these things? Won't she continue to believe them even after the fog clears?

I just keep looking at her and how she is acting and remembering how things were before she got completely lost in the A...how fast things can change.

...I know Plan B is the best, but I'm sure you know how I'm feeling to.

Big problem...my nervousness about Plan B pales in comparison.

For a while now I would get this fear about my WW, but usually dismissed it since I had no proof.

But...today...a good friend of mine who was at the house with his girlfriend the other night said to me, while we were talking on the phone, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you,"

"Go ahead, you can't offend me."

".... Is your wife pregnant? My GF and I noticed that her stomach looked that way last night."

I can just about gurantee, now, that yes, she is pregnant. I had this gut feeling for a while, but had nothing to back it up...and now, TWO PEOPLE think that she looks pregnant?!

Plus, if she is, and if she knows (I believe both to be the case), then it would explain so much of what has gone on in the past two weeks or so.

A while ago I posted that I had heard what seemed to be an arguement between her and OM, but what I heard was her saying, "It wasn't supposed to be this way." At the time I chalked it up to her getting upset with him...but if she is pregnant, those words make perfect sense.

I heard she was 'shy and quiet' at the retreat...paranoia, possibly, but all the same I was assured that no one could doubt that her and OM were 'together' based on how they were acting at the retreat. Shy and quiet could be because she is pregnant.

Then she has been acting odd, as I mentioned...again, this explains it.

OM has been thinking/planning about moving here for a while, but if she did find out in the past two weeks...that would also explain why all of a sudden he is for certain moving here and soon.

I want to confront her and ask, "W, I have to ask you something, and I'm not sure how else to ask except in a very blunt manner...are you pregnant?"

If she is--which like I said, I am just about positive she is--I still want to save this marriage, I still love her to death.

I am concerned though since 1) this may make her more inclined to try and make a relationship work with OM; 2) she may be afraid to tell me and may even hold back from trying to save our marriage because of this, because of how I would respond, etc. That is why I want to confront her about it; to let her know that I still love her, still want to save the marriage, and that we can work this out.

Even with this, I still have no real evidence. So if I were to ask her right now, and I was wrong or she didn't know yet....how would that come off? I could easily explain that it wasn't because she was looking 'fat' but because of the reasons I shared...but still, I know it would piss her off if she didn't already know and is.

Right now I'm thinking I'll wait to confont her about it, and when I get the chance do some snooping to see if I can figure out for sure, and also go and talk with her mom and aunt since they--probably her aunt--would be the first she would tell.

...I've never gone through four beers so fast in my life before tonight...

Maybe I'm wrong about her being pregnant...I'm scared Plan B won't work...I miss who she really is...I hate who she is now...my mind is swimming and can't stay still.

So are you going to ask her about the pregnancy?

Talk to her MOmand Aunt and then, I think I would ask her as part of plan A.

Tell her you think something is worrying her and you think you know what it is.

Tell her there is nothing you will not help her with, nothing you cannot love her through, nothing you cannot take care of together. Not even a baby. Then say - are you pregnant my love or dear or whatever you call her in love talk?

Then shut up, as she has to be the first one to talk, if she leaves the house let her or calls him let her. Just wait for her to speak next. When she does, you may have to say it all again and then include another man's baby, at the end ...

Linda

I am going to ask her, but now I'm doubting myself, so I want to see if I can find out more first. I'm working on getting a few of her passwords and right now have to wait for one more.

After I get as much from I can of any information she has left behind, I am going to talk to her mom and aunt. Then, perhaps the same day, I will ask her, very much as you worded it.

The other day I confronted her about OM moving here for certain and asked, "So OM is moving here for sure on such-and-such a date?" "I don't know." (Didn't even look up at me.) "It just seems like he decided to do so pretty quick and was wondering if there was any special reason for that." Hoping to get some sort of a rise out of her to see if she is pregnant and had told him...she just ignored me and I left.

Any symptoms that I should look for to see if she is pregnant? She would be 4 to 5 months (closer to 4 most likely) right now if she is, and she has been on birth control the whole time. She does have a slight belly, but maybe she just gained weight? Is there a difference in how it would look when only minor? I know each woman--and each pregnancy--is different, but just thought maybe you all would have some thoughts.

The OM though, did post a short comment about his coming here shortly on her MySpace profile (I don't know how many of you know MySpace, but www.myspace.com just in case).

As for everything else...should I maybe post a bulletin/blog on my MySpace profile-at the same time that I send her the Plan B letter-saying: OM has moved here to be with my W and they are having an affair, here is his profile if you want to know who he is. Any thoughts?

I figure also that I'm going to use the stick part of Plan A less and less, for a few reasons: 1) it obviously isn't working; 2) it is a calculated love-buster, but still a love-buster, so I want to avoid even this sort for the last week or two of Plan A. Of course, I still have my boundaries and I won't compromise those though.

Another minor update: I only saw her for an hour yesterday (odd sleeping schedule and I got to bed late), but when I did she was VERY pleasant and even a bit talkative. She also asked me for help with a few things the day before...but also got upset when I tried to help her with something else=) It was just silly that she got angry instead of saying, "Don't help me please, I would like to do this task on my own."

Here is your plan B letter. It is not a love letter, it is a sharp short shock to your WS, not your wife, the alien who has taken your wife's body and is not acting like her. The aim is to drive the WS out and put the A under pressure until it breaks. I just removed all the guff.

Linda


---------------------------------------

You are the most important person in my life, and meeting you has remained the most important thing in my life.

I intend to remain married to you for the rest of our lives.

Our marriage wasn't perfect, otherwise an affair never would have been appealing to either one of us. But that doesn't mean you and I as a couple are inherently flawed.

Your affair and the way you have been acting because of it has begun to erode my love for you, and my number one priority is saving what love is left. In order to do this, I must separate myself from your presence.

This means that we cannot have any contact for any reason. When there is something that you need to tell me or I need to tell you, K has agreed to be an intermediary between us. To be clear, there are very few reasons for contact outside of obvious emergencies and the like.

This lack of contact will include no communication in any way, not seeing each other, no shared bills or other financial items. basically the only reason is when you are ready to rebuild our marriage. At that point I will talk with you about everything and what we can do to recover.

In the meantime, there are no exceptions to this total separation.



---------------------------------------------

Thanks for the draft! I'll post any changes I would like later, if there are any that is.

Still waiting on that password=\ Regardless, sometime very soon I want to ask her if there is something that she wants to talk about since it seems like there is.

Today she was pleasant, talked to me more, and complained about our new roommate a little and finished with, "Now, I'm kind of glad I'm moving out." Which struct me as odd if she really can't live me with, as she had said in the past.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.

The Plan B letter was given to her about a week and a half ago, no news yet. I also started anti-depressants about two weeks ago...why is it that they can take up to six weeks for full affect? Oh well. The last few days have been rough, and I'm not sure why.

Luckily my WW was remotely pleasant the last few times we saw each other before Plan B, so that gives me some hope. Also, OM has moved to town...where he is living, I have no idea. I could find out if they are living together, but my understanding of Plan B is that it is best to not even talk about my WW with others who may let her know that I asked/talked about her. Right? Since that would be indirect contact, as it were.

It has been a while, no two months since Plan B began. My WW called me once and left a message about picking up something she left, so I had our go between ask her, "Your H said you called and wanted to know what you wanted." She never responded. This was maybe two or three weeks after Plan B. Then maybe two weeks after that she just arrived to pick up something else...I saw her, avoided eye contact, and left, my roommate helped her get what she needed.

I was a bit burned by that since she came with him, although they had parked across the street and he stayed with the car.

On the hopeful side, I have noticed--from afar--signs of problems in their affair. For one, not a month after he moved here and they got into a fight--in front of others--worse than ANYTHING her and I have even come close to, even with her in the fog and being very cruel at times. There are others, but thats enough.

I still know it could be a long time, and that she won't contact me about fixing our marriage until it really gets ugly.

Regardless, I have been recieving a call from an 'unknown number' on just about an exact weekly schedule, and with a message never being left. I would like to answer to just see who it is, but I always manage to miss it.

Every now and then I think that maybe I should contact her, but haven't...and won't, at least not for the time being.

Is there ever a case where it is a good idea to break NC before she does?

Thanks

Not as far as I can see. Only life and death.

You just have to wait it out until that affair cracks, all on its own with no help from you. No one to blame but themselves.

Do not answer the 'phone number, get your room mate to do it. Even if it is her, it is of no use when she is stil in A. And we know she is, as she was in MO's car and BROUGHT OM to your home!!!! WARNING SIGN - Still having an affair and what's more - not keeping to the contract you set out and FLAUNTING OM in your face ... Stick with it - it is worth it. If she is tryng to contact you on the sly - then the A is in more trouble than OM knows. When WW cannot get to you it puts the A under even more pressure. Do not be a pressure valve for her failing A. Let it build until it blows wide open!

Linda

Thanks! Those were the words I needed to keep me strong on NC.

Yesterday, the most unusual thing occurred. I would try to explain it so that it there is a little suspense, but what else besides my M would this have to do with=)

Anyhow, I saw my WW as we were stopped at a red light heading opposite directions, actually she was turning in front of me and we made eye contact. It happened so fast that at first I didn't realize it was her and just looked at her even though for some reason I had the inclination to look away. It was only after I lost sight of her, in those two seconds, that I realized who it was. We both stared at each other as long as we could...and it was very bizarre.

Would the best option have been to avoid looking at her? Not like I could have if I wanted to since it was too quick.

I already know the response I'll get...but, none the less.

I really want to get my WW something for her birthday, nothing big or expensive, it is something small that she mentioned briefly and only once probably eight or nine months ago. I would like to mail it to her with nothing else, simply as a way of saying: 'I remember; I pay attention' since that has always been important to her and was even the thing that made her mine.

I know, I know...no contact, but I so want to do this one thing.

Nothing else to report, just wanted to vent that.

A few days ago my brother-in-law (WW's brother that is) and I were spending some time together, and I found out these interesting facts:

1) my WW 'wants' to talk to me;
2) she is getting sick of OM (yet they are still living together). She has even begun to do things without him tagging along, even though he would be able to, and not just occasionally.

I already knew both of these, now they are just confirmed. What I find most inspiring is that she told him at all, knowing that he would most likely relay the information to me.

It gave me new hope and strength.

Should I maybe have my brother relay a message to her that, "If you want to talk to your H, he is more than happy for that to occur, under one condition: you are ready and willing to begin discussing how to recover your marriage."

Just a thought I've been playing with.

I am also encouraged because if she is sick of him after less than three months despite how little free time she has, what do you think will happen when she gets all her free time for the holidays?!

Shortly before my WW moved out and I initiated Plan B, I was talking with my aunt and predicted about three months until my WW would contact me...today is three months (depending on how you count a month anyhow), and we spoke briefly; she called me.

This will be lengthy, so bear with me!

Every time I go to visit my MIL I have an expectancy and a fear of running into my WW. Tonight I went over to drop off a few things since they are moving to a new house—which is closer to mine, hurrah!--, and to drop off a gift I got for the whole family.

Right after I got there my MIL told me that my WW was there, not at that moment since she went to the store, but that she was there. She didn’t know what I wanted to do and just wanted to let me know. She said she told my WW and that she said, “I don’t care; he’s the one who’s not talking to me.” I said, “She knows everything and why.”

I was then shaking a bit, and after my MIL and I spoke briefly I said I was going to go but that if my WW is ready to talk that either of them could give me a call. The moment I was stepping out of the door my WW came in; she was obviously very nervous as well since she didn’t make eye contact, and I left.

I spent a moment in the car, shaking, on the verge of tears hoping and waiting for her call.

Then after driving home for five or ten minutes I gave up on her calling, and then my phone rang, it was her.

As far as I can remember, here is the conversation, although it was longer because there was a lot of silence.

I said, “Hi.”

“Hi… Why did you leave?” She was trying desperately to keep herself composed.

“I didn’t know if you were ready to talk.” My voice was trembling and I was obviously very affected.

“I’ve been ready to talk; you’re the one who is avoiding me.”

“I explained it all in that letter, and I meant it.”

There was some silence, then I mentioned that I could come back, she slightly dismissed it and said she wouldn’t be there long, only for an hour or so. She then said something like, “If you want to come back, I’ll be here.”

I then said, “Or we could meet over coffee or something.”

“Sure, but not tonight since I have some plans later.”

“That’s fine, whenever you have time.”

“You could come back or we could meet another time.”

Long pause, “I would prefer to meet later.”

“Okay.”

“Just give me a call and let me know.”

“Alright.”


I sensed fear, delight, expectation, confusion, desperation, and even love. She was trying to not let on how much she wanted to see me again.

I remember past make up conversations, and I expect this to be a more intensified version with her holding back and only slowly opening up. I know not to expect or ask for an apology; not to ask about details of the affair; not to mention how she had been acting, etc. Focus on the now and the future.

Now, what do I do when we meet? Should I give her a hug right away? Probably not. I think I will start with,

“Okay, well, first… are you ready to begin discussing how we can recover our marriage?”

If it is a positive, the rest is pretty clear. If it is a neutral or negative, then I will shortly end the reunion and leave.

I wouldn’t be surprised by, “I want to be friends, but I don’t want a relationship.” Or instead of the latter, “Too much has happened.” Or something around these lines.

To the first: You are my wife, the love of my life, my friend, my everything. I refuse to be ‘just friends’ with you, I never can be. The second: we can overcome anything together; there is no such thing as ‘too much’ when you are speaking about love. It won’t be easy, it won’t be quick, there will be ups and downs in the recovery, and it will easily take a year or three years…if we are lucky, less, or possibly longer, but it will be very much worth it.

I get the sense that she would like to ditch her plans for us to talk, but didn’t want to let on, and I bet she will be in a state of emotional turmoil all night…she may even call me before I go to sleep—but I’m not holding my breath. She will also probably be even more cold and distant towards OM. Oh, he was not with her in case any of you were wondering. It may even lead to an intense fight which will make her more likely to express willingness to begin recovery.

I hope so much that she is willing and that we can get her back home before December. It will be tricky, but also exciting, to see the NC letter she writes and to then move her out while he is at work or something. That will be a hard sell…I hope she agrees, and quickly. I am so ready to just hold her again, even just looking in her eyes will make everything worthwhile.

I think it is best and will have even more of an impact with me turning down us talking tonight.

All the same, I MUST be prepared for this to be a false start to a recovery and that it may ultimately take until February 2008.

I expect everything and nothing at all; I am very excited, scared, restrained…everything.

Any advice will be GREATLY appreciated, especially since we will probably meet to talk at least in the next 24 hours.

I wouldn't get too excited. It seems to me that if she was serious, she would have asked you to come back and talk right away. But she had "plans" that were more urgent.

I don't know, I think you should be quiet and ask her what she wants to say to you. I would do this on the phone at first, not for coffee.

If she is sorry and wants to make amends then ask her to write the no contact letter and give you a copy, so you can plan to move hr out and you can mail the letter - registered.

If she thinks she can just move in with no truth and no contriteness, then I would not entertain it. I have done the take them back without sorry etc, and then WH had another A on me - so I did not do that again.

after all if she decides to tell you how it is all your fault and that you have just been awkward, then she is not ready. She really needs to be out of the A before you talk about recovery. She knows that from the letter right? So why are you thinking of getting her back, while she is still living with him?

I think you need to slow down - when she calls ask her what she wants to say, and then stop talking - just be quiet and wait for her to tell you what she wants to say. if she asks why you are not talking , tell her you are giving her time to say whatever she feels she wants to. AND THAT IS ALL YOU SAY.
Think about it very carefully before you jump in the deep end.

Plus I agree with Believer ..

Linda

So, my WW has not called back for her and I to speak. I see only two reasons: 1) fear; 2) she isn't ready to end the affair and begin recovery.

And... I did something that most, if not everyone here, will call a mistake: I just called her and left a message saying that I was just curious why she hasn't called, if it was because she hasn't had time, because of the letter and she isn't ready to talk, or if it is something else.

I'm dying here. Every second is painful.

I suggest you go out and try to enjoy yourself. There will be lots of ups and downs before this is over. Learn to sooth and take care of YOU.

I already told you this by email, but for the record: she is not interested - next time, do not invite her, she has to come to you with no coincidental meetings or any offers from you. Sorry - false start.

Keep up the good work - don't fall for the sad smile, she just wanted a fix of seeing how fast you would respond to her.

Do not leave any more messages. Each time you approach her you are back to the beginning of Plan B. Avoid her and her family - you can mail them gifts if you have to give them some. These are excuses to see them or her. As for the living apart "at her insistence", you do not know if this is the truth or something she is making sure you hear.

Linda

I pretty much know everyone's response, yet here I am typing anyhow, probably because I know I could be wrong in my choices.

My WW and I are meeting in an hour and a half over coffee. We spoke last night, and she said more things that gave me hope, although there is still a wall that I have to break through.

Turns out she never even read the Plan B letter.

And now, again I know how wrong I could be, I feel I am entering uncharted, or less charted, waters. I know my WW, and I know if I can get her to open up just a little bit, then that is all that is needed. Right now I see an opportunity, and I can't but take it.

We'll see what happens... I just hope I'm right, and that I can navigate these waters on the fly.