I don't know what to do. Brief facts of my story. Hubby announced in late October that he wanted a divorce. I suspected an affair, started plan A. Hired a PI and affair with coworker was confirmed in January. Hubby moved out end of January, he became cruel and mentally abusive. Went to Plan B. Decided in early March that I was letting go. Divorce still not filed, I will not file. OW transferred and is back with her H. I'm living life in contented limbo.

Now the dilemma, my In-laws 50th wedding anniversary is coming up soon. My Sister-in-law called me with details and invited me and my daughters. My hubby will be there. My in-laws have been totally supportive of me through this and I hate to miss their party, however my teenage daughter has totally shut down on her father and as I said I am in Plan B. How do we handle this?

Any help or advice would be appreciated

Why don't you just send your daughters? You could send a nice gift with an explanation.

How are you feeling?

So, are you "letting go" (as in given up) even though you won't file....OR are you really in Plan B? They aren't the same thing....one is about ending the marriage....the other about saving it. If the former is true....then there's no reason not to go if you want to. If the latter is true....then there are reasons why you shouldn't go.

I see two options.

1. Despite the fact that you're in Plan B, attend anyway. Just do not interact with your H. The juxtaposition of a 50th anniversary celebration along side your H's behavior has a certain beauty, doncha think? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Let him reconcile it. In this option, make sure your in-laws know your position regarding interaction with your H.

2. Do not attend at all, providing your in-laws your regrets and sending a gift as if you were attending. Explain your absence citing your and your daughter's discomfort being around your H.

I recommend option 1, but only you can fully assess all the dynamics and personalities.

JMHO

WAT

Thanks Melody. My teenager doesn't even want to see him. She hasn't seen or spoken to him in a month. I'm feeling that I should just send a gift and call MIL and explain why I wasn't there (it's a surprise party).

As to how I'm feeling, that's a good question. Most of the time I'm ok, even good but then I seem to become fixated on how I could have been married for so long to someone I clearly never really knew and it eats at me. I'm doing everything on my own now, being both mom and dad and totally taking care of the house, the yard etc. You should have seen the first time I cut the grass lol. But I'm surviving and I guess that what really matters.

Iam, I think starfish had a relevant question. Are you REALLY in Plan B or have you given up? If you are in Plan B, you shouldn't attend. But if you have given up, there is no reason you can't go.

Thanks WAT. I really am so torn. I totally love these people and they have been so good to me. I have thought of the 50th anniversary contrasted with my own marriage mess and how/if it would even affect him. I'm not so sure it would as he seems to have lost quite a few brain cells lately. My in-laws know all about Plan B and support me in it, so I'm guessing they would understand. I was thinking of perhaps taking the two of them to dinner, just me and my kids, on another day to celebrate with them.

star fish I don't really know how to answer that. I have given up trying on my own and I have given up on thinking some miracle is going to happen and my hubby is going to have a revelation. But if he were to say the right things IE lets go to counseling, lets work at making this better, ect, I believe I would. It's just that I no longer believe that will ever happen.

Iam, I really think you should not give up when you think there may a chance. And I think there is, don't you? He may still come around if you stick to your guns.

I think thats a wonderful idea to take them out to dinner privately. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree the private party is a good idea - especially if you can do it BEFORE the surprise party. That way your in-laws might have reason to criticize your H when he shows at the surprise party.

But don't ignore option 1.

WAT

lost,

Where there's possibilities....there's Plan B. Now, just because there are reasons you shouldn't go and break the no contact....I see a couple of interesting dynamics here that I think might make attending advantageous. Let me explain.

First of all....the status of the affair has changed, and he's not seen you since that time. It might be a good time to find out if the fog has lifted at all and what his reaction to seeing you briefly might be. I particularly like the environment....couldn't be better....50 year anniversary of a good marriage and all the rewards that go along with that.....it is the perfect environment for him to feel his loss acutely and spark guilt as well as thoughtful longing...loss of marriage, family and all the things he will be witnessing from the "outside". If you're going to break Plan B.....this is the kind of event that will give you most payback. So....look stupendous, be light and happy as well as comfortable in your role in the extended family. Avoid contact with him at the event. Don't stay for long. Be luminous and gracious.....and good luck.