I have posted a few times in the past, but I will give a brief history. WW had A with my sister’s H off/on for two years. Dday was 24-Sep-05, with full exposure to everyone in the family pretty much. NC has been established since Dday. As you probably know the entire family is torn apart now especially when holidays are involved. We have had to make “arrangements” during holidays to see each other. I just saw my Sister on Mothers day for the first time since Thanksgiving. It is a huge mess!

Anyway, I have been trying to forgive my WW and move on, if for anything for my DD who is 11. She is very upset over all of this and does not want in any way for WW and myself to divorce.

Now for my newest issue. Yesterday, 15-May-06 I opened the mail and found a bill for a credit card that I did not know WW had applied for. WW has used the card so now we havee yet another bil to pay, an uneeded bill. This has hurt me more than angered me because I see this as going behind my back again. To me it is just betrayal again.

WW feels that I am overreacting to this and just wants to blow it off, like everything else that has happened.

Do you feel that I am overreacting to this? Or am I justified in my feelings that this a major setback and trust may never come back? She seems to still be in a fog or something to me, acting as if this is not an issue and she is an adult blah blah blah…..
I am sure some of you have heard all of the crap before.

Please give me some insight on this issue, I really need some support here.

Thanks
K

I think you are justified in being upset over this. Of course, the A adds other layers to what is an action of a person on their own, not a married, committed PARTNER.

You are pretty early on after d-day, are you in counseling? I know that my FWH acted very much like a single person who happened to be married and did a lot of things independently and had a hard time seeing us as in a partnership. Our post A recovery has helped that alot, but then, my friend, we are five YEARS after d-day!

Speaking to your wife in "I" language about how these type of actions hurt you and why is the first step. Just remember how much the A complicates this stuff.

Anne,

Thanks for the reply.

I am not in IC and WW will not even consider IC or MC.

I tried to tell WW how "I" felt about this but as I said she just blew it off. I don't really know what is going on inside of her head. She says she loves me and wants to make it work, but I don't feel really strongly about this right now. Sometimes I think that she just does not have anywhere else to go. I know that sounds bad, but that is my feeling.

krk,

She is most likely still in the fog, my FWW was in that stage nearly two years.

Her not wanting IC or MC to me means either she is hidding things about A that she doesn't want you to find out about(as was in my case) or she thinks she has nothing to fix which WS's or FWS's seem to think.

About the credit card bills, IMO make her pay for it. She's the one that spent the money, she can pay for it so what if she needs to get a part time job. Since you didn't know about it, most likely your name isn't on it so it shouldn't do anything to your credit.

Good Luck.

I react as you have, KRK, whenever my FWH seems to be hiding anythng or reluctant to tell me details of what he is doing. It does feel like the initial betrayal and I tend to get much more upset than I would have before D Day. I think in your case with a new, hidden credit card , I would be suspicous too.
Keep talking, make her talk and understand your boundary is no secrets. That is unacceptable to rebuilding your marriage.
You have to draw your "line in the sand" (whatever it is for you) and stick with it. She knows you are right no matter how she justifies it and you should be firm about what you will not accept in you marriage.
My H can be very defensive and mad when I think he is not doing what he should to help our marriage. At first, he tries to make it sound like I am being silly, paranoid, hormonal ETC. He will try to blame it on anything else except himself. I stand firm and will not accept anything less that his understanding finally what I am upset about. He always comes around and realizes he was being unresponsive, cold, ETC. No WS wants to take responsibility for the pain they have caused, so she probably will be like all the others. Don't give up or get mad, just continue to talk and try to make her understand how you feel.

krk...you need to establish POJA...and you need to define your boundaries, one of which is lying.

Look, you're at a very early stage. Your WW still appears to feel "entitled" to do as she pleases. Having "her" pay for it does nothing to address teh issue at hand and that is her blatant disregard for your feelings.

Regarding your feelings...there is NOTHING wrong with telling her how insecure you are, how that if she is not "open and honest" with you about ANYTHING it feels like a betrayal and opens fresh wounds....

Look, you need to communicate with her and vice versa....I refused counseling for years and after my Divorce it probably saved my life....counseling was one of my conditions for reconciliation...with my then XW....set yourself some reasonable boundaries, communicate them with her and see where it goes....

best of luck....

You are absolutely 100% correct in your feelings.

There should be no secrets in your marriage and as far as I can see that is a secret.

The question I always ask myself when I am trying to decide if my feelings are valid is how would my W feel if I did the same exact thing. If I had a secret credit card would she be upset? I know she would. All of our monies are comingleed so that money is coming our of OUR bank account. If the money is coming from OUR bank account I have a right to know where that money is going. Just as your spouse has a right to know where the money is going.

Sometimes I also step back and ask myself if it would bother me even if there was never an A. To that question I would say yes even if she did not have an A I would still be upset. I am not triangulating and bringing the A into the situation. It is a stand alone situation and I have a right to know.

My FWW had a credit card from a womens clothing store. She made purchases after I told her we didn't have the money for her to buy clothes. She kept buying and going to the grocery store and taking the money out to pay the bill so I would think she spent the money on groceries.

Now even without the A I would not find this acceptable.

Thanks for all the replies.

I agree with all that has been said here. I have told her how "I" felt hurt by the credit card. Like YOH OUR money is in a joint account so there is no way she could have hidden the card for long. She does work, so she will pay the bill, that was established last night. I did get mad and she knew it, but I made it clear that it hurt me more than it angered me.

I have tried to get WW to look at MB principles with no success, but maybe that will change.

I will hang in there and see how things go.

If you don't have the book his needs/her needs yet then get it in the audio version and take a road trip this summer, just you and her obviously, and listen to it.

Mrs. Wondering and I did this the end of August, 2005 (about 3 month post d-day) and we never even made it through the whole tape. We stopped the recording and talked, then continued until it promted the next discussion and so on. It was one of our initial breakthroughs. Over time we both have had more. Progress seemingly came in leaps. In between the leaps you must maintain patience while persistently taking advantage of opportunities to discuss your relationship when the topic comes up in normal and natural conversation. Progress can not be forced.

Last summer I tried to dedicate to having a good time with my wife and family. I thought it may be our last. I arranged babysitters and we went out a lot. Our courtship in college included many late nights out with friends so I tried to mimick that courtship to the extent that I could now in our late 30's (hangovers hurt more now). Anyway, it was not all about "fixing it" it was about reviving our love for one another by just being together having fun.

You can't allow her to sweep the affair and independent behavior under the rug, lest your recovery become one of only convenience until the next OM opportunity presents itself. My boundary was "I refuesed to remain in a loveless marriage". Not addressing the affair, the reasons for it, etc. (with or without counseling) are IMO, loveless behaviors. Continue your Plan A with deadlines for Plan B. Plan A loses it's healthiness without a finish line.

Time does not heal wounds by itself, it's also a function of what you do with that time.

Mr. Wondering

You have hit the nail on the head with this statement. WW has from the beginning tried to sweep the A under the rug. The only reason that she cannot is because the OM was my sisters H and she (sis) told me everything that her H told her. I had answer before I had questions in a sense.

I constantly worry about what you said above in regards to recovery becoming one of only convenience until the next OM opportunity presents itself. I know that I WILL NOT try to reconcile if it happens again, but who's to say I would ever find out.

I am at a point where I don't feel like dealing with this anymore and want to move on, but isn't that just running away? I feel that WW has no place else to go and is only still here because of that.

I know that I am wrong for this but I don't feel that I should have to change to please her when she is making no effort to show me that she is trying to change, i.e. the credit card....

Sorry to ramble or vent, but I needed to release that.


KRK