Hi, Long story very short... H and I have been separated since Dec 2005. But not really separated - What I mean by this is that neither of us have left our comfort zone. He has his apartment and comes and hangs out here to be with our DD 13 months...

My H allegedly, according to me, cell phone bills, and text messages had an affir...

I have been letting him eat cake for quite some time... I have done things my way thus far and am glad that I did b/c I have witnessed my H's true colors...

True Colors: Liar, cheater, disrespectful, etc...

I suppose I am back here because I am trying to save myself from this man who has been playing games with me to keep me in his life so he can eat cake.

I have been scared to be a single mother and also scared to be alone. BUT - I would rather be alone and happy than with H and miserable...

Is there anyone out there going through this as well? If so, it is time for me to stop enabling my H to eat cake. I find my mind is strong, but my body and my heart are not really following suit...

To be very honest, I am pretty sure that I am not meant to be with this man, but if you had asked my 3 months ago, I would have said differently...

I have done a pretty good plan A, I exposed to everyone but his workplace (fine now cuz company got bought out and they no longer work together) - guess I should have done that anyway considering... But hindsight is 20/20...

Anyway - sorry for the ramble, just alot on my mind. Looking for strength to stand my ground, be a good role model to my DD, and move on...

Thanks for any advice and any help...

Could you set up a visitation schedule?

Where He takes your child to his house for a certain amount of time, instead of coming to your house?

If he just drops by tell him, "I'm sorry, but right now is NOT a good time for me for you to be here."

if he asks why, just let him know it's really none of his business as he no longer lives there.

If you have to, grab your car keys and your child and go out for a drive, even if just for ice cream or a coke at the local gas station.

As long as he is allowed to come over to your house, things won't change. But they can change IF you begin to set up boundaries.

Even if he comes over don't make enough food for him to eat with you, that way he is not expecting YOU to cook his meals.

When you stop meeting his needs, things can begin to change.

He may get to the point of actually trying to work on the marriage. In that case, you need to make sure you continue to live in seperate houses until he can prove himself trust worthy AND request the two of you to get MC. If he won't agree to MC, then let him know your sorry, but you really don't trust him right now, in order to just accept him back with open arms.

In a word--Boundaries--learn to set them on what you expect and what you will not tolerate from him in a marriage relationship.

If your not willing to respect your own boundaries, he won't respect them either.

What is best for the child though is for him to see her in her own home. A 13 month old is not old enough for visitation for more than a matter of hours - certainly not overnight. Many 13 month olds are still nursing quite a few times a day.

As someone who has been a single mother for seven years now, I can say that, no matter how disrespectful your husband is, it is far better than being a single mother. Unless you or the baby are suffering physical abuse, which you did not indicate, being a single mother will be worse.

I totally disagree with you, Nellie2. I've been a single mom for the past fifteen years (more or less) and my kids have flourished under my care. Their father has been gone for the majority of their time on Earth and he is NOT a good role model. He didn't beat me but he abused me emotionally, financially and mentally. This, in turn, was an abuse to the kids to have their mother painfully wrecked.

Abuse comes in many forms...

And how exactly would divorce improve this situation? If he was not a good role model before the divorce, would this get better afterwards? I doubt it. Generally it just gets worse. Not living in the same house in no way prevents someone from engaging in the behaviors you might describe as "emotionally, financially and mentally" abusive.

In many cases, before the divorce the children have a father who, while possibly flawed, loves them. Afterwards they often have a father who largely ignores them. This is absolutely NOT an improvement.

Again, I respectfully, disagree.

I can see both sides of this discussion. Having come from a divorced family and now in a situation that may lead to divorce and with a 12 week old baby I am torn. I think it is not cut and dry but depends on the individual, in this case the husband. I recently was physically abused by mine and phoned the police when he left the house. He is now up on assault and uttering threat charges. I would like to work things out if he takes anger management courses and am hoping to follow this up with MC. However, I am not sure that he is coming from the same place. I am still communicating with his family (his mom) who tells me he doesn't want this relationship to end ... but am not sure what to believe as he cannot communicate with me under the conditions of his bail. He is not a bad man, we both just bankrupt the Love Bank and now we are where we are. So in relation to this topic, I feel that it really depends on whether you still can see yourself together again, happy and in love. I may be naive and ridiculous for believing this is possible but for the sake of my daughter I am willing to try anything to make this relationship work as long as she is not placed in any danger, emotionally or physically.

According to separation aggreement, H can see dd 4 hours a week, then he gets her on the weekends... Unfortunately, lately, H has been around a whole lot more b/c he has not started his new job yet... He says he is trying to spend as much time with DD before he starts working agian, but it seems that the only thing being tried here is my patience...

I am very torn on weather I want this family or what it is that I do want. I asked H if he wanted a D and he said he didn't know. I am so tired of that answer for everything - I swear he must be a dummy cuz he "doesn't know" much...

I know I don't want a divorce, but I also know that I don't want an H who disrespects me and disrespects the marriage...

We are trying to live separately, but it hardly works. I try to set boundaries, but seems as though my bark is tougher than my bite b/c I almost never follow through with the boundaries that I set.

I gave H the ultimatum re: Either you have her (Traci) as a friend or you have me as your wife. He says he will not give her up as a friend and that I have no right as wife to ask him to give up his friends...

It is very sad for me to hear when we have such a gorgeous DD together, and could have made this marriage work.

I feel that we both have so much anger inside that we may not be able to move past it. I know for me that trusting H again has proven difficult and I am not sure I will ever fully trust him -- Does that make a good marriage???

What to do - I love this man, but question his truthfulness and his loyalty to me and our DD...

It's been ages since I have been on this board...but my response here is to begin to stand up for yourself more than you have ever done before. WHAT KIND OF HUSBAND IS THIS WHO SAYS HE WILL NOT GIVE HER UP AS A FRIEND? You are kidding me, he is totally eating cake here...he definitely does want to lose you to a divorce but continue to have Traci and you as well to meet his NEEDS...HE IS THE KING, SELFISH AND CHILD LIKE, HE WILL NOT CHANGE UNTIL YOU STEP FORWARD AND BEGIN YOUR EXIT PLAN FROM THE MARRIAGE. True, he may not follow but you need to take care of you and your child now, that is the most important issue.

Please re-read ThornedRose's post as she hits it on the head. You need to stand up for yourself and enforce your boundaries....try to begin to focus on YOU..and YOUR CHILD...and NOT HIM.

Best of luck.

Ooops, typo...I meant to say he does NOT want to lose you to a divorce, sorry.

Thanks Nature,
I agree that he does not want to lose me to a D and I do not want to lose him either.... Does anyone have a backbone I can borrow or buy??? I say everything I mean, but follow through is tough for me... I am taking small steps in the right direction.

I am distancing myself, caring less about what he does, but I must say even though I have told H that it hurts me to have him here all the time, I do like it when he is here - it fills a void, but at the same time, is doing no good to the relationship...

I will continue to not be as available to him. I also really need to get out of my element here and get moving on my own, with my DD, and try to get some sort of life outside this man and this marriage.

I believe once he sees that I am not longer here for him, that he may realize what he is losing/lost.

The hardest part for me is letting go of him... Thornedrose is totally right and I have spoken the boundaries, but never actually pysically done them -- asked him to leave, etc...

I will do one thing today that is a boundary and I will stick to it...

I guess I will jsut have to do this one day at a time.... It's gonna make it a long and tough road, but one I believe I can travel...

Thanks for the support and if anyone out there has any more tips or stategies for getting and maintaining a backbone or setting up boundaries, please fill me in...

Try to focus on you and your child. Try to implement a valid and energetic exercise program. I really hit the gym quite a bit while we were separated and had literally NO CONTACT with her as much as possible after I exposed the A. We then filed for the D and that was it, good ol' me was no longer to be found. She kept on calling and calling, leaving messages until she got the drift and my lawyer took over from there. I now realize I became that much more attractive to her as I was no longer available as the DOORMAT which is what I had become.

So, yes, one day at a time but focus on you, exercise, take up a new hobby, stay busy. Sure, you will be angry and pissed off, who would not, vent that frustration and anger somewhere else, not toward your spouse.

You also should look for the Michele Weiner (sp?) Divorce Busting guidelines, there is a very helpful 180 list which spells out how to act if you do have contact with your spouse, I found this very helpful for me. She has a book which you can buy or try searching this site for the list, I know others have posted it in the past.

You really want to improve yourself at this point...whether your marriage survives is irrelevant, you want to build a better you to take to your next relationship.

Best of luck and know I and many others were in your shoes at one time. Some of us survived (are we really the lucky ones?), some didn't but all know and can share your pain.

I like the book, Hope for the Separated, it has a religous tone, but it has great ideas in it about setting guidelines for separation. There's also a book about Separating to repair a marriage. Basically it says if you have a separation with the hope of getting back together there has to be "rules" that both agree on, of course one of them has to be about seeing other people or not during a separation. The one book even has a signed contract for both parties calling it a controlled separation. Not that you have to go to this extreme, but if your ex doesn't even care about how you feel about this "other woman" then you can't possibly have a separation with the purpose of possibly getting back together. Tell him that and that what he's doing is hurtful.

I don't agree with Nellie either about how being a single mom is better then being married to a cheater and a liar. I was married to a cheater and a liar, it brought out the worst in me as it would most women. I was a miserable wreck. Yes, being a single mom since Dec 05 as well hasn't been easy but I have found some peace for once that I didn't have in my five year marriage. There were signs of cheating, cell records and I went crazy. Some people can handle "that" and can work to repair a marriage, others can't. To me cheating is the ultimate betrayal and that men cheat while their wives are pregnant or have small babies - is just a bunch of you know what and I think it's time for women to draw the line when this happens and stand up for themselves, even if it means leaving and being a single mom. Congrats to you for being brave enough to leave a man who was behaving so disrespectfully to you.

I agree about exercise and improving yourself at this point. I lost 30 pounds since I left my ex - I lot of it was baby fat, my little boy is two now. I feel so much better about myself. I can't picture dating or remarrying yet, and I'm 38 so it's not going to be easy - and likely I lost my chance at a family as my child bearing days are getting behind me. Especially if you are young, and likely you are much younger then me - there are things to take into consideration that men don't, this is one of them. I left my ex after a year of marriage just to move back and get preg. I could have been divorced in my early to mid 30s rather then becoming a single mom. Hindsight is 20-20 and it's obvious that there's no real answers to these issues - and the answer is especially NOT that it's better to stay with a jerk then to be a single mom.

You have a lot of soul searching to do here... yes, boundaries, and firm ones might help your husband grow up. I was actually encouraged by a Christian counselor to leave my husband - when I did he told me to stay where I was, separating from him for a long time, this time around. It's called Tough Love, the book itself is controversial - but personally I believe if there's any hope Dr. Dobson might be right - that going to the exreme, leaving a jerk, setting firm boundaries and staying separated as long as it takes might be the only way to get through to some THICK SKULLED men. And I don't think men think like us at all, they are from Mars and many just don't "get it" when it comes to treating their wives with respect. Women were not meant to be doormats, period.

It sounds like if you were brave enough to leave this guy you can be firm with him and stop talking - stand behind your boundaries and the little boy might actually grow up.

--- I didn't leave him, he left me... Let me tell you - when I said I couldn't believe he left his family when is baby daughter was only 8 months old, he said, " I didn't leave DD, I left you"...

I said I would set a boundary today I told myself which one I would set and I didn;t do it. H came over after his interview and spent time with me and DD... Then H went to MC (alone) - I thought he needed to speak with MC alone since I had done so already...

I believe my H is the one who is really messed up here... What I hate about all this, is that the people I exposed to thinks H is an [censored]***** and want me to leave him directly... It is not that cut and dry for me...

I am not really sure if I stay b/c my self esteem is quite low right now, or if I stay b/c I truly love this man...

Sad thing is - I know I love this man, but WHY??? When he has treated my so poorly. Would it be so easy for my friends to leave their H and DD/s if they were in my shoes???

I feel as though i have so many people in my ear inclusing me telling me what to do... I know I am right -- but even I don't do what I say I am going to do... Am I a total schmuck or what???

I have read Dobson, and Weiner and I agree with both - but don't have the damn guts to do either one...

What the F is my problem???

Anyone felt so weak that they would just suffer through all the crap and allow H to cake eat just to see H and have him as your company???

What is this all about??

NATURE - ow did you do it?? No contact?? Did you have cildren at the time?? It is so hard b/c H uses DD as an excuse to come here. When i say I need him not to he then says I am selfish and am not allowing him to spend time withh his daughter... What the F???

What am I suposed to do. He is behaving like a bully, and I am certainly acting like a nerd/geek/weakling. How did you do it???

Everyone's situation is different. No, we did not have any children and we still do not but that very well may change soon. However, we used to have 2 dogs at the time which I ended up getting rid of, it was one of the most difficult things to do. Obviously, pets do not and never will compare to the responsibility in caring for a baby. So, this does complicate the situation as he is the father and has a right to see the child unless your separation agreement indicates otherwise. I am not sure what to tell you but I would try to implement TR comments above regarding a visitation schedule and STICK TO IT...you really do not need to see or talk to your spouse, it is not healthy for YOU...and please remember to emphasize the word YOU in ALL OF THIS...YOU FOCUS ON YOU and WHAT YOU NEED, NO LONGER HIM....BE FIRM in this. I believe you need a lawyer involved who can handle the discussions and minimize your involvement as much as possible.

How did I do it? Well, we all have a breaking point and I had reached mine. I sincerely wanted more than anything to save my marriage...I never knew how much I missed the person I once knew nor the "comfort" and security of being married.....but, as all couples seem to go through the same crap, we hit a point of, as women seem to say, we were no longer "connected"...I would want to fish, ski, etc. as I am a very active person. She would want to occasionally go but more often not. I would go with friends who had the same goals for fun and excitement with these activities. Also, her career took off and she spent more time away from me. She became the breadwinner which affected her ego in a big, selfish way. So, we grew apart. I did not see it and during this time was mostly happy but I am a very content person, she needs alot more than me. Also, a girlfriend of her's was very unhappy in her marriage and I believe this had some impact on my wife in a very bad way.hjh

Enough about me. I finally could not handle being married to a lying, deceitful person after Plan A'ing my [censored] off...part of Plan A is to expose the A and that is unfortunately what I did not do early enough until just prior to filing for divorce. So, I skipped Plan B, exposed the A to the OM wife and agreed to file...she was quite surpised and called me as she was walking in to file the paperwork to the county asking if I had anything else to say (you can pull up all of previous posts to this ridiculous soap opera of my life which began in 2003).

Anyway, it was at the point I had already been hitting the gym quite and focusing on me. Divorce was the last thing I truly wanted but we filed....and then I got PISSED and became incredibly ANGRY...and all of the hurt came out..some of it expressed in lots of drinks and late nights out...I was on the road to ruin but eventually got hold of myself..and during this time she would try to reach me via the phone which I totally ignored. Somehow the months went by, winter set in, the court date was looming I began to question what I was feeling, the anger and hate..and somehow, the most precious gift came my way...I found my Lord once again, He was always there and somehow I was lost for awhile and did not realize how precious faith can be...I said many prayers, cried alot and then we finally began to talk which led us to where we are today.

Read this site and everything as much as you can but I really believe you need to stop meeting and seeing him, somehow or another, that is the best advice for you.

And remember the most important thing. YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF, NO ONE ELSE. So get a grip girl, because the roller coaster ride is going to continue. Gather your support group, your FAITH and your strength.

I will be off and on this site tonight but gone for about a week starting tomorrow. I really do not post too often but feel it is my duty to try and help any way I can. This site is GREAT, it really did help strenghthen me as a human being.

Okay - I realize I can only control myself, but why do I feel that every time something comes out of my H's mouth, that it is a lie...

For Instance: Today he said he was going downtown to buy me a present. An early Birthday present (birthday is in July), but said he wanted to get it now b/c it is on major sale, blah blah blah... In my heart, I just feel/know he is with this other woman...

I am basically feeling like I am having an anxiety/panic attack right now b/c of my thoughts...

Another thing that kills me and will kill me is that he wants our DD to meet Traci (his "friend") and I asked him please NO NO NO... Told him I just can't handle it and he says that Traci is his friend and that he wants all his friends to meet DD... Am I wrong for thinking this is just aweful on H's part???

I am trying very hard, but letting go is the most difficult thing ever, Plus I have a problem being strong b/c when I am strong I am a b*tch - and I don't want to be a b*tch - it is not me...

In my heart of hearts, I know I deserve better than H's has to offer, but I just don't give up that easy... Should I?? When is the breaking point?? What will be the straw that breaks the camels back?? Is it normal to feel completely out of control? Is it normal to be so angry at H and feel he is a blatant liar, but still allow him into my home??

Quite possibly one of the worst posts I have ever read on here. Simply disgusting.

I agree with Lemonman on this one... I know what is best for me and for my daugher and it is not staying with a man who has no respect for me nor the marriage...

The hardest part is letting go and moving on... I think I am moving into the acceptance phase of it all, but still quite difficult when H is always around to see DD...

I am looking forward to H going back to work - it has been a month of him around the house -- messing it up and not helping at all - I am a bit frusterated with that - But it all boils down to the lack of respect...

So - I am prepaired to be a single mom, I have a lot to do in order to live healthy mentally, but I will do what is right for me and for DD...

Anyway - for me right now the letting go of H when I have a problem or am sad is so hard. I still want him to care for me, but I just don't think he has it in him...

Hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial day. Thanks for the continued support and advice...

How does one get over the emotional attachment??? It seems my H has had no problem datching his emotions from all of this, from me, and it hurts like ******...

I can't seem to get my emotions in check and I am having trouble controlling them... One minute I am nice and if H does something to upset me, I then become a jerk, and I just am feeling like I am a nutjob b/c of all of this...

I feel like my H is living his life with no responsibility for his choices. What I mean is - he chose to be a dad, but he isn't really there for DD. He spends time with her and takes her to lunch and plays with her, but I resent him for not being there when she is sick or is up at 3 am crying b/c of teething...

Is it normal to feel so much resentment, anger, sadness, and pain?? I feel like it is time to just cut my losses and move on, but why is it so hard?? Why is it so much easier to say i want to fight for him and our marriage, than to just give up - isn't it easier to give up??

Am I just a codenpendant mess who can't handle being alone and being a single mother???