Alison,

I am not a mother, so I can’t quite relate with the enormous responsibility that you have to your daughter in this situation. I also don’t pretend to have all the answers. However, I, too, am going through a divorce from a “cake-eater.” We had an appointment for MC, but I discovered that he had not ended it with OW like he told me he had numerous times. That was the last straw. I went to see the counselor alone and she has really helped me put everything in perspective. I would recommend that you continue counseling alone.

Why is it so hard for you to get over your WH? Because you bonded with him in what you assumed was a permanent, unbreakable relationship! While we are each unique, human beings share many of the same instincts and traits. My counselor told me that humans are innately programmed to bond with one another and it assures our very survival. Imagine the bond that you had with your DD from the moment she was born. It is built-in instinct. Your pain at breaking the bond with your WH is completely natural and you don’t need to apologize for it. You aren’t being foolish, you are being human!

Please remember, however, that he has ALREADY broken his bond with you! He has already bonded with someone else and is not willing to end the A to restore your marriage. So unless you want half a marriage with a man that you share with someone else, you have to put an end to this situation. You deserve better!

I know it is very difficult for you to not see your H because your DD is so young and he wants to spend time with her. You must figure out a way to minimize contact, however. That is the only thing that has made my separation easier. At first, we were talking on the phone, meeting for dinner, etc… It just made this much, much harder! Your need for him will fade if you can stop “bonding” with him. You have got to make this a true separation and stop seeing him unless he is willing to end it with OW and work on your marriage.

I am sure you’ve read all about Plan B. Do you have a family member or friend that could be there when your H comes to see or pick up your daughter? I’ve heard of some people going to that extreme to enforce Plan B and it seems to work for them. Just a thought…

AnneMarie

Oh my goodness - I could NOT agree more! I simply do not understand the "something is better than nothing" mentality....this left me speechless!

I thought that I was the only one who thought that this sentiment was WHACKED...

There have been lots of times when the original poster of this statement has said things that has led me to believe IMO that they are still incredibly bitter about their divorce. Sometimes that clouds people's judgement.

Having a terrible cheating lying spouse against being a single mom is just not a choice I would make. I left my husband for emotionally leaving me and I was a single mom for a bit. I had basically did most of the childcare anyway so it didn't make much of a difference to me actually. I'm being serious. If you can make it financially. I barely scraped by, but I made it.

Alison- could it be that you're still in denial about his affair being real?? Just because he denies it doesn't mean it's true. Could you get a sitter for DD and go with a friend and follow him in another car and see for yourself? Then you would have proof.

You need to allow him to see DD- but you do not need to be present. You set the time and then as soon as he gets there- you say, "I've got a few things to do, I'll see you at ______" and it be whatever you've agreed on. You set the schedule- as in- you can see DD on Mon, Wed, and Fridays from _________ to ____________. Then when he gets there- you tell him you've got some things to do you'll be back. Don't answer your cell while you're out and DO NOT let him know what you're up to. Be dressed up.

I promise you that he'll take notice and some things may begin to change!

When he's not with DD do not be available to him for calls or whatever it is that you're still doing to allow him to do this.

Think of it as giving your child medicine. You do it because it's best for the child, but it hurts you to have to see them have to take meds or get shots. But you still do it for their own good. In this case, you're fighting a battle to save your marriage- and it's not for sissys sometimes. It's gonna hurt- and we'll be here for you- but you CAN do it.

At the very least it will make him respect you. I have a feeling that he's lost respect for you because you set boundaries and he knows you won't keep them. Let's start showing him that you're different now!

When my H was home, even during the height of his affair, he still cared about the children, still made them a priority - maybe not as high a priority as he did previous to his affair, but still a high priority. Most importantly, the kids believed that he loved them, as I am sure he did too. Now, he has almost nothing to do with them; all but one are almost never allowed to visit him, because the OW doesn't want them to (by his own admission). They have given up asking him to spend more time with them. He spends at most an hour and a half with them a week, the stereotypical dinner at McDonald's dad. He almost never calls them.

Several years ago one of the kids was very seriously ill for weeks, and the doctor had a difficult time diagnosing the illness. I kept my H posted regularly by email, but he never once inquired as to how she was, never called her.

He has almost completely transferred his affections and his role as father to HER children. From what I have read, this behavior is very common when fathers remarry.

How can anyone say that it would not have been better for our family for him to have stayed?? Divorce destroys the entire family. What I find disgusting are posts that attempt to deny the devastation caused by divorce.

Sorry, Nellie, but what *I* find disgusting are posts that deny the devastation caused by one parent treating the other like crap and getting away with it. Not only is it setting the kids up to think it's okay to treat Mum/Dad that way, it gives them a lousy idea about how relationships are.

Maybe in your situation it *would* have been better to stay together - I don't know, since I'm not there. But equally there are other families where the parents splitting up could be the best thing for all. I have lived in a household where the parents, although not physically abusive, couldn't stand each other and were constantly at odds and made life absolutely miserable for EVERYONE. Believe me, I used to PRAY for them to split up.

Thanks everyone for the posts. I am doing much better at setting boundaries and also not being available to H all the time...

It is obvious to me that H does not like it very much, but I don't care. He got upset b/c I didn't call him this morning when dd and I woke up. I didn't call him b/c I didn't want to see him in the morning.

He went to counseling today - which is nice, but I am not sure why he is still going. He told me that he told her that he wanted to get all his anger out and he also wanted to be able to communicate better with me...

He also kissed me last night out of the blue. I asked him not to do that b/c it is sending me mixed signals and I just can't do that right now... He said he did it b/c he missed kissing me. I told him I miss kissing him too, but we shouldn't be doing that right now.

I am going through all of this in baby steps and I am okay with that - at first I was completely impatient and I wanted my marriage back immediately, but now I realize i have a ton of healing to do for myself and I need to concentrate on that and raising DD... If H wants this marriage, I am here for him when the time comes, but he will have to make up his mind, I cannot do it for him and I cannot force him to be a good husband...

This is all hard, but so good for me to learn and live and experience all of this b/c it truly is making me stronger and is also making me realize that I am worthy of good things and won't settle for anything less...

Thanks again for all the awesome posts. I am doing my best to live with myself and raise DD with dignity, respect, and pride in myself. I will not let ANY man take that away from me - not anymore...

Sorry for the ramble, just so much goes through my head - all the time...

Hi, Allison. Glad to see you're back! I just read through both pages of this thread, and let me tell you, I could have written your posts! Your WH and my STBX seem to reading the same book. Even that bit about "I didn't leave DD, I left you." Mine said the same [email]cr@p[/email] to me.

There is something to be said for being a strong role model for your children... as in, if you're not in a good relationship, that teaches your children that it's the norm.

I agree 100% that you need to stick with a visitation schedule for your sanity. For us, STBX sees DD for two hours Mon and Wed and then 5 hours Sunday afternoon. It works for us. He takes DD to his apartment or his parents' house.

It sounds like your WH is definitely using time with DD as an excuse to get his Allison fix.

Hi SadMommmy - This road really sucks, but b/c of all the cr*p that I ave seen and heard and been through, I am stronger for it...

I have realized that I will be alright if this marriage is truly not meant to be... I don't want anyone to misunderstand - I want my marriage VERY badly, but I also have learned that I must put more value in myself... I believe I have been devalued as a wife and mother... I won't allow myself to be in a marriage like that... BUT - I do love my husband very much. He is a good man... I am moving on with my life and I am beginning to live (finally), but ultimately I want my marriage with my H to work and be strong and beautiful.

But - it does take 2 people to want that. I have to give him time and make him live in the reality of his choices (ie: leaving and living in an apartment away from me and DD, and just wanting his freedom) I have made myself less available, I am not as tolerant of his obnoxious and rude behavior (still have a bit of work to do, but getting there), and I am setting more boundaries, and not allowing myself to be disrespected...

It feels good to finally get some "balls" in all of this.. It has taken a VERY long time and a ton of phone calls to friends, and many an IC session, but I am moving in the right direction...

Sadmommy - I would like very much to hear more about your opinion on Mediation... Please email me if you like, or chat here... I am not sure I want lawyers or mediation. I currently have a lawyer, but I truly don't want anything to get ugly, but just am not sure what is the best way to protect myself and DD...

Thanks..

Alison, you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and have thought everything through very rationally. That's great. And you're right, it does feel good to stand up for yourself.

I understand how you feel about lawyers. I was hoping to avoid it myself. That's a decision that no one but you can make. For me, I just sort of snapped one night, after driving home from dance class one night and seeing his vehicle at her apartment at 10 p.m. on a weeknight, a few weeks after he got his own place. I was like, "OK, that's it. No one walks all over Sadmommy like this!" So I found a lawyer. I was still wavering over filing for divorce when he told me one night he planned to file for divorce as soon as he had the chance to tell me he would. So I filed the very next day, citing adultery.

I knew that with my WH's personality, there was no way we'd be able to settle things fairly ourselves. He has to have his way in everything and gets really mad and nasty when he doesn't. So I took control of the situation.

We did end up going to mediation, back in April, and it worked for us. Took us 3.5 hours to come up with an agreement we could both live with. Mediation only works when both parties are willing to give in a little. But I ended up with a better settlement that a judge would have given us, so says the attorney. The only downside was that both of our attorneys were there the whole time, which means I had to pay my half of the $150/hour for the mediator on top of the $150/hour for the attorney. And some of that time was downtime while we waited for the mediator to come back from WH and his attorney (we did it caucus style, where you're in separate rooms and the mediator goes back and forth).

But we were on the verge of going to court, and even though mediation was expensive, it was cheaper than court.

Was there or has there been a time when you felt like you just didn't fight hard enough for the marriage...

My problem is, I know H and I could have something very wonderful. But I feel he is not ready to own up to his responsibilities as husband and father. He is a wonderful provider financially, but seems not to understnad that DD and I want and need emotional and spiritual support and connection with him. He doesn't seem like he wants to care too much. Like it is easier to just pay for things than it is to be loving/loved/caring...

He is a good man, this is my problem. maybe I give him too much credit. I am torn between wanting to fight for the marriage or just letting things be the way they are. Truthfully though, things the way they are really aren't that bad... We no longer argue or fight. Our communication is better, we have better understanding (i think) of each other, and things are peaceful...

I am getting stronger on my own, I can feel that, and I like it alot. Just still figuring out what is best for me... I love this man and I LOVE being married - I think marriage is an amazing thing. I think the best thing for us is to continue trying to live and lead separate lives. I will get even stronger, my confidence will get better, and my self esteem will grow. I know I need to work on all of those before I can be in ANY relationship...

Wow - rambling once again... Sorry... Just so much to think about, ya know...???