I am at a very low place tonight. I have been seeing my existence and it seems very empty. My kids are no longer with me every day and I can't stand saying goodbye to them when I take them back to my exww. She is cold and uncaring. I told her tonight that I'm really struggling and really need to talk. She said she has too many problems of her own to deal with and she couldn't talk anyways because she was meeting up with someone.

I'm not kidding in the fact that I'm struggling. My mind is going to some very dark places and I'm really finding it hard to accept this new existence where I don't have my family together anymore.

I could use some encouragement. I love my ww very much, and I'm having a very hard time seeing my life without my kids. I love her so much it hurts.

Papaof3,

I'm sorry you are struggling. It's hard to go through all this pain. Everyone on this board has experienced tremendous pain. When I first arrived, people told me over & over again that I would make it and things will get better. It's so hard to believe that sometimes, but the pain is less than it used to be and it gives me hope that one day the pain will be gone, while my exWH still has to face his pain and it grows every day until he does.

Here are some things I was encouraged to do. Every morning, and everytime I felt really down & hopeless, tell myself "I'm going to make it." It sounds odd and I'm not into such things normally, but it did help.

I also told myself that the next year or so would be full of pain, but that time would go by one way or another, so I had to get up each day and do my best so that I was in a better place in the next year and not a worse place.

If you are spiritual or religious, try signing up for a Divorce Care class or at least the daily emails that they send. I kept some of those and still read them for encouragement.

I leaned on friends, and wore them out with crying & asking why & all my hurt, but they were there for me. You can also lean on the good people on this board.

I made a list of everything I wanted to do, or try, or things I wanted to make better about myself, and then I focused on one thing at a time with a small goal for each week or month.

I braced myself for the pain, let it flow at times, prayed, cried, hugged my big dog, prayed some more.

I went for long walks and tried to exercise more and eat better.

The most important thing is to focus on your children. Be the best father you can be while they are with you, and when they are not, focus on either a physical activity, or a hobby, or trying something new to distract yourself. You will get through this for yourself and for them.

Honestly, I still hurt and I don't think I can ever look back on the whole experience without feeling pain, but I can look back and feel proud that I did the right thing by fighting for my M. I'm also proud with how I handled all the pain & stress. It could have been handled better, but I survived and the people here were right - it does get better. You will get there. Hang on. Keep moving forward. One day at a time.

One last thing -- I want to understand what you mean when you say that you go to some very dark places in your mind. It's safe to let it out on this board. You may also need to reach out for help & support from a counselor. It can be a big help and everyone who goes through an A and the breakup of their family needs help with the pain & confusion & anger.

Take care and keep posting...

Hey Papaof3

I am concerned for you right now. If you can see no hope. Let myself or others here hope for you, until you can see it again.

I am unsure where you are or what services are available by phone. I presume there would be a menslines or 24 hour counselling line you could call, to help you talk through these dark thoughts and feelings you are having right now.

Can you call a line Papa?

Max

I won't lie. Last night I thought about suicide. My thoughts drifted towards that and it scared me. I felt hopeless and felt like I couldn't accept this new life that has been thrust on me. The pain I feel at not having my kids around is immense. Same with my wife. She was once a warm, loving, kind woman. She cared about me, bought me things, showed affection and love. She's now cold, cruel, flirting with other men online, and uncaring about my feelings. Just a few months ago we were waking up next to each other, making love, talking about having a 4th child. We spent our lunches together and talked about the future. Now it's all gone. My family is gone.

I know if I did something like that I would only hurt the ones I love such as my parents and siblings. I know it's not the answer and that the kids need me in their lives. But my thoughts went that way and I had a difficult time stopping them. As I was spiraling, a friend of mine that I hadn't heard from in a while called me. It was the lift I needed to shake me out of it.

Papa,

There are dark days in this process and what you felt last night is not unusual. When those times come up, have the number of a couple close friends nearby whom you can call, as well as the number of a local crisis hotline.

I understand that everything has changed and it's painful. Try to remember that your family is not all gone, your children DO need you, and so do your parents and siblings.

Keep posting.

Papaof3,

I am glad a friend had called to see you when you needed a friend most.

I am still very concerned for you papa. I can understand how our pain can be so overwhelming at times we just want the pain to stop.

Your previous posts relect the love you have for your children. They are lucky to have such a loving Dad in their lives.

Papa pick up the phone and call for help. Reach out, someone will be there to walk beside you, listen to you and help you through these dark thoughts of suicide. People care.



Max

Papa

Look toward your children. They are your hope.
Think of the devastation it would cause them if you weren't around.

There are always people around for you. I lean on my family like none other. Thank god for my MOMMY!! This year I almost got her a kids card to mom because I feel like I need her more now then I ever needed her before.

Your kids need you and it will not always be this dark.

I'm ok, everyone. Friends have really helped.

Stay strong Papao.

Your kids really need you more then anyone. Take good care of yourself.

Are you in IC? You're a good person. Your wife is somewhat lost. She definately have issues to adress, hope her parents will help her, she really needs help.

Be strong for your kids and spend as much time with them as you can.

The only chance I see for your wife to "wake up" is for you to show her how strong you are.

T/J:

lostwillow,

How are you doing? Update your thread.

I'm ok. I'm not very happy, but seeing my exww be so callous to me reaching out to her has helped me put her state of mind in the right place. She was completely unsympathetic to how low I was.

I am focusing on getting work and believe things will be much better once I have a job and a place of my own. I have one job offer I'm seriously considering and there are several others on the horizon. All pay very well.

I saw her today and kept things light with her. I'm going to try and do so from now on and hope she wakes up sometime this year. I still plan on moving on as best I can. I will try to get my own place soon so I can have my kids over to my place and I plan on continuing to be friendly and warm to her as best I can. I've been on friendly dates and plan on continuing that.

Thanks to all for their support.

I am no expert, but,

How can you plan A if you're not living togheter?

Maybe she takes you're weak, she can have you anytime she wants so she wont value you, because you're being nice when with her?

Could you read and consider a Plan B? Where she would feel you getting away by NC with her?

And you would be working on yourself.
You need someone to make the arrangements/talk about the kids, and have them with you as much as possible after you find a place.

Just an idea.