I just recieved a call from my DIL , ODS has given her the I love you but not in love wih speech and has moved out.

All out of the clear blue this happened. He has decided that he has not been in love with her for the last two years and he wants out.... He swears there is no one else but in my gut I know better.

MY DIL des not have a pc or I would direct her here. I am sending her some stuff from MB and my copy of Surviving an Affair.

I have convinced her tocall her pastor and talk to him and I have ODDS work number so I can call him there. He has cut off his cell phone and I can't get him..

I will know more after I talk to my ODS tomorrow..... I pray he is not doing this especially after seeing what his fathers A has done to our family...... He has been one of my strongest supporters and stood by me and hated his dad for this and now look.....


Hurting

All the more impact that discovering and exposing his (possible) affair will have. He'll have to see himself in that same light.

oh Hurting (((Hurting))), I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now.

There was a lady posting the other day, she just found out her DD is the OW to a MM. Maybe you can find her thread.

((Hurting))

Jean,

I saw that thread as well.....

I do plan on being there for my DIL if it turns out being an affair. Heck i am going to be there for her either way.

MY ODS has done the worst thing he could ever do in my book walk away from his wife and children. My grandbabes are crying for their daddy. They don't understand, it breaks my heart.

I just talked to my son the other day asking him how thigs are and he tells me good, him and DIL getting along good and everything. Then two days later this.....

Makes no sense....

Hurting

{{{Hurting}}}

Sending prayers your way.

I'm so sorry to hear this Hurting.

Hopefully you can talk to your son and help him and your DIL.

I feel so sad for you and your family.

You are so strong. Your character really shines through.

(((((Hurting)))))

Hurting-
So sorry to hear about this.
Does sound like a sudden change, not unfamiliar to us
here dealing with A, but maybe it could be something else.
I hope and pray he will talk to you, really listen and
think about what he is doing.
Lots of prayers and thoughts to you and your family.
Slammed

Hurting...

I don't post much, but I have been following your story and first I want to say how much I admire you for just living and breathing.. you continue to work 2 jobs and live..I'm in recovery and trying to get out of bed everyday. I just want you to know I want to be like you when I grow up.

To weigh in on the father/son.. My husband had told me for 15 years (we were together since I was 16, 1990) he would never cheat on me because he watched his mother in pain when his dad cheated and left the family. My husband didn't leave the family, but was very close. Now 3/3 boys from that father have committed adultery. My husband is the only Christian and the last person anyone would have thought would do that (don't we all say that!!) .. Anyway, he did and the legacy lives on. I have 3 boys and somedays I look at them and wonder which one(s) will do that to their wives. Sad to say but I do.. it is a cycle that needs to be broken.. but who has the power to do that, except for the boys themselves...

Just wanted to say I'm praying for your family and you have been an inspiration to me, even if you didn't know it...

Sue

Well I finally got hold of my ODS this evening.

He was home with his wife and children. MY DIL had gone out looking for him and found him sitting in his car at a convience store. She spoke to him and he came home with her.

I asked him what was going on and was he havng an affair. He started crying and said mo I am not sure what is happening. I asked him to explain to me how he feels and what he has been doing. He said he was just feeling down and was talking to people.

I told him ODS please , please think of what you are doing. This is not the way to handle any problems you may be having. You have seen what your dads affair has done to our family and to you kids please don't put your children through the same thing. He said mom I am not seeing anyone, just talking to friends.

I expalinedto him how a EA can occur within the disguise of being a friendship and how it can turn so quickly. He really started c rying and said mom I don't want ot be what dad is..... I said well son you and DIL need to talk and talk now I will c all you back later on my break. I did tell him I love him but I will not sit by and watch him destroy his family or my grandbabies....

About an hour later I called back on my break time and we talked. He said mom I thought aboout what all you said to me and I realize that I was acting like dad and blaming DIL for everything and I see its not that way. He said he will not be like his dad and he does love his wife he was just frustrated today. I told him you have to talk to each other and try and work things out. He promised me they would talk to the pastor at church and see if he can councel them.

I told him that the one thing they both needed to do was communicate and be honest with each other. And if after doing all that can be done and they need to go their own ways at least they know in their hearts they did all they coould to make things right.

He really seemed to listen and apologized to me for doing this. I said I am not the one you need to apoligize to its your wife. I let him know I would be keeping in touch and was willing to talk to him anytime he needed me. He said I love you mommy and I promise I will not hurt DIL like dad has you, I am listening to you.

So guys this is all I know for now, I am still going to send them the info from here on EN'S and Love Busters and anything else relavent.

I do believe this was caught in time before it turned into a full blown EA. I pray so anyway, but I am going to make sure my DIL watches and pays attention to what goes on . Oh and I did tell him even though I love him , I will not tolerate this treatment of his wife.......


Hurting

Ya did good Hurting. Make sure he gets and reads SAA and if possibly, tell them to get the Marriage Builders Audio CD Course - it's cheap compared to the counselling costs and will allow them to work together to repair ALL deficiencies in their marriage, not just the ones they ASSUME are there.

and Hurting - it sounds like the "friend" he was talking to is female and he is in an EA. Sorry. But ya know I never lie to you!

Hey Hurting,
get him to call the radio show between 10 and 1 central. Maybe he could call on his lunch hour? I have heard it where the husband and wife call in together and Dr. Harley really takes a lot of effort with the callers. I can imagine with little ones that finances are tight, but maybe Dr. Harley could get them on the right track.

I'm sorry to hear about DIL & ODS problems.

BUT...I think it is a blessing that you are able to use what you have learned here to help them. You may be the catalyst to break the cycle and save your grandbabies from heart break.

God works in mysterious ways.

((((hurting))))

Bk,

Not to worry I am sending them a copy of SAA and other materials i have. I also believe he was/is talking to a female. I am praying it was caught in time to stop it in its tracks.

MF,

I will get them the number and see if I can get them to call the show, thats a very good idea.

Cha Cha,

Your right God does work in mysterious ways. I am glad I have learned so much from my own sitch that I can help them from going through this same turmoil.

I am going to keep on top of things and continue to talk to them both and help them as much as I can.

Thanks all for caring..


Hurting

Hurting,

Are things going better for them? I hope and pray you are able to help them (him) with your hard-earned knowledge and experience.

About the father/son thing, before we even started getting serious 16+ years ago WH told me that he wanted to "do it right" because he didn't want to "lose everything" like his dad had when he cheated on his wife and was divorced. In MC I found out that what he meant by "do it right" was choose a spouse with whom he was so compatible that no effort would be required to make it a happy, successful marriage. He thought he had found that in me. Admittedly, we dated a very short time, and we were both in for more than we had anticipated. However, now he's decided that I wasn't "the one" and that he has finally found her -- the one with whom he won't have to work -- things will just fall into place because they are so "compatible." GAG!!!

In the meantime, FIL married a second time (not to OW, by the way) and had four more children. Then, less than 2 weeks after our Dday, FIL leaves his second wife and family, get this, for the SAME woman he cheated on his first wife with 25 years ago! This development has, at the least, complicated our sitch. There are differences, the main one being that fil's ow took him right in a second time, helped him ruin and destroy a second marriage and family, while wh's ow won't "leave her family." Anyhow, the simliarities in timing and attitude and philosophy from father to son are downright scary. And I must say, it does make me think long and hard about reconciling and moving on in a marriage with WH when he seems to be following in fil's footsteps. What will happen 5, 10, 20 years from now, assuming we even make it that far? Is he destined to be a serial cheater like his dad? And let me tell you, his dad "never stopped loving" OW, all those long years. Right, and he wasn't living with her, raising children together, doing a pitiful job supporting her financially, all the stuff of real life. He's been living in a fanatasy world, and she's the star of the show. Her H died a year and a half ago and left her very well off financially-- something fil couldn't even dream of doing. So now he's living off her dead husband's estate and his kids are in the meantime without a dad (he moved two states away) and with a very bad example. It scares me to death for ds 11, knowing he's got a terrible legacy of indfidelity to live down. I'm determined he will have the skills and knowledge to be able to do that -- to not even go there, to really be able to deal with the disappointments and unexpected turns in life and marriage without using infidelity and divorce as options to get out.

I'm sorry I've been rambling, but your post and subject line really hit a chord with me. I agree with your statement that God moves in mysterious ways and your implication that maybe your struggles have somehow prepared you to help those around you, specifically your son and his family. I pray that will be the case and that things will be okay with ODS and family, and the marriage and family will be saved. You are an amazing and strong woman, hurting, so hang in there -- he couldn't have a better example than you.

Take care,

Dulce

Dulce,

Thanks for asking about ODS. I speak to him on a daily basis and things seem to be going well.

He has been moved in his job and is now away from the OW/friend. He and my DIL have been talking and have called the pastor at church speaking to him.

I do believe he see's what was happening after I explained it t him and now knows that talking to someone of the opposite sex about personal things is wrong and can lead to something he does not really want.

I am keeping my ears open and my DIL is watching the cell phone. so far so good. Lets hope it stays that way.

I think this was caught in time before he got in to deep. He has said to me thanks mom for loving me enough to help me and talking to me so I don't following dads footsteps. I don't want to hurt my children or my wife like dad has hurt all of us.

WH still does not know what happened and in some way I don't think he needs to know because right now he is still so full of justifications and entitlment he would not be a good influence on ODS. Maybe someday he can know when he can truly see how wrong it is.

So things seems to be going well for them and i am praying daily it will stay this way and they can have a better marriage with the things I have sent them and have talked to them about.

So the pain I have been in and the things i have learned have been used to help my son , so maybe it was not all in vain.....

Hurting

Hurting,

It does sound like things are going okay now. It really does seem as though he caught himself in time (it sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders), and you were right there with the experience, knowledge, and advice he needed right then. I'm glad you two are staying vigilant, however. I think you're right about WH not needing to know about it. My FIL has NOT been a good influence on WH, and the other way around. I'm not privy to their conversations, but I can tell they aren't supportive of fidelity and marriage by the fog WH exhibits when he's been around FIL. Anyway, in my HUMBLE opinion, you are doing your DS and DIL a great service and wow, isn't it nice to get some good out of so much pain..No, it definitely wasn't in vain...

Take Care,

Dulce

I was thinking about your ODS too...but got wrapped up in my own drama and forgot to post about it.

I'm glad things are moving in the right direction.