The situation: You are the FWW. You at home are on the phone talking to a support person about a problem you're experiencing with a service. Your H arrives home for lunch, sees that you're on the phone, and asks you who you're talking to.

What would you do next?

MIM -

I guess it would depend on where I was in the recovery process (of course, I'm male and a BS, so this is conjecture on my part).

If I was far enough along in recovery that I understood the damage I had done, I would answer the question honestly and without anger. If I was not far enough along in recovery, or was still an active WS, I'd probably get indignant.

I'm guessing by your question that your wife didn't take kindly to your question?

One thing to consider is how you asked the question. Tone can convey a lot.

Yo Man - instead of playing games with us, why not just describe what happened.

She claimed to be talking to a support person and you thought it was OM, right? Or she thought that you thought it was OM. Regardless, her reaction - to you - doesn't square with her story, right?

WAT

Tell him I am just talking to the support person, have a seat here (beside me) and I will be a few more min.

Then give him details when I am done. But he coudl stay in my office with me if he wanted...

MIM

Can I mention something. I think you are in deep danger soon.

Your posts over the past few weeks are starting to be full of resentment, anger, bitterness and entitlement. This is not good for anyone. (and you have a right to be...but it really doesn't HELP anyone to be this way)

You may have to decide what you want NOW - and either leave if you can't control yourself...or realign yourself with your goal - a recovred marriage.

Where you are heading is dangerous...

just my 2cents.

I thought I just did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.




In fact, that never entered my mind. Seriously.



Don't know what she was thinking about what I was thinking...



Not quite. I'm just wondering how best one spouse should react to another in this situation, particularly considering the FWW/BH situation. My FWW just had a long discussion about this (I'll tell you how she reacted, after a few more responses have come in). Needless to say she doesn't agree with what I have to say, and I don't agree with her either...

And a pretty good 2 cents it is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Actually I think I'm in a better place now than I was not too long ago (I'm NOT going to go into details), but thanks for the heads-up.

OK MIM-
So exactly what was the DEBATE?

My impression (don't know your background) from this post is that there might be A LOT of ASSUMING going on on your end? Secondly, perhaps there's a lot of "[censored] footing" (playing games) around sensitive issues rather than just being DIRECT?

MIM,

Whether I am a FWW or a BS or a man or a woman, I would put my hand over the receiver, after saying "excuse me a minute" to who I was talking to, and tell you.

Or is this a trick question. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

I think my FWW and I were being as direct as possible - we just didn't agree with how she handled the situation. We still don't so I'm just wondering how others would have handled it, that's all.

Thank you. That would be my answer as well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

My FWW acted differently. She tried mouthing the guy's name to me twice, and when she realized I still didn't know who she was talking about, she waved me off and continued the call. Only after the call was finished did she say who it was. Needless to say I was upset.

BTW - my FWW thinks that I misrepresented the situation here, that actually she wasn't talking, but listening to the guy at the point I asked who it was, and she was waiting for the "right moment" to cut in.

MIM,

It depends on each individual. Every single time I am on the phone my FWW asks who I am talking to. When I am on the internet she asks what you reading. etc.

I do the same when she is on the phone. After the A when I asked who she was on the phone with she got agitated like I was accusing her of something. So I just said we have always done that. You ask me all the time who I am on the phone with. I am not accusing you of anything I was just curious.

She admitted that she was agitated because she thought I was accusing her of something. It lasted a while until one day I walked in talking to a friend on my cell and she asked who are you talking to. I said see I told you we always ask each other who we are talking too. We actually got a laugh out of it.

So I don't have an answer. Plus I can tell you there are times I am on the phone with a repair man or the cable company trying to get through the maze of prompts and when my wife asks who I am talking to and I miss a prompt and snap at her a little. One time she asked who and I hit the wrong darn button and next thing I know the menu is in spanish.

Maybe she was having a hard time with the other person on the phone and she kinda took it out on you. Human nature. Nothing more nothing less.

i probably would have done what your wife did... particularly if she was trying to listen what someone else was saying. I think there's no reason she shouldn't tell you who she is talking after she's done - but it shouldn't always take "interruption precedence". Mind you... i would also typically not interrupt someone else's phone conversation that way.. (unless the part of the conversattion that i could hear was really juicy and i was dying to know who it was so i imagine more of the missing pieces myself
)

I agree with you - I hate being interrupted while I'm on the phone by anyone. If my H asks who I'm speaking with, I will try to mouth the name or put my hand over the receiver to tell him, but generally, it irritates me. However, sometimes my H will just start asking me lots of questions about non-related topics while I'm on the phone with someone. I will then leave the room for some peace and then later he will rant at me that I am rude for being on the phone when he "comes home from work" or "is home" or "needs" me for something. It doesn't matter what, the bottom line is that H hates when I'm on the phone.

Anyway, back to the OP, I personally don't think your FWW did anything wrong, per se. I think she easily could have covered the mouthpiece and told you who it was....or you could have waited until she was finished and then asked who it was. I personally think that, and I could be way off, you are suspicious of her phone calls and she picks up on that.

Depends.

If I'm a repentant FWS I say I'm talking to the cable/electric/gas/whatever guy because ____________ needs to be fixed/upgraded/set up. You can either sit here with me while I finish the call or you can go out and start your lunch, this should only take a minute.

If I'm a clever but nonrepentant FWS I'm going to recognize an easily verifiable opportunity to tell you the truth, in order to build your trust in me so I can lie to you about something more important later.

If I'm a vindictive nonrepentant FWS, I might turn your question around and demand to know why you always want to know who I'm on the phone with, why don't you trust me, why don't you just check your phone recorder, etc. I might flatly say it's none of your business, lie and say it's my mom or some other harmless person, or be nasty and say I'm talking to OP, what are you going to do about it?

Did I about cover it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I see both sides...but I would be the FWW holding my hand up with a "one moment" finger if the technician was speaking at that moment.

I get into situations with two people talking to me at once...one on the phone and one in the room...I can't hear either one...I get frustrated.

And if I've held for 20 minutes to get this guy on the phone to solve an issue...then I'm going to happily answer your question at my first opportunity...

I might have repeated what he was saying out loud to you, both to confirm I heard him correctly and to indicate who I'm talking to, at the same time.

And I don't see the relevance to FWW or BH this late in the game for you, MIM...I respect you do...because this would be a common situation with no A, where my H might have felt less of a priority if I didn't cut off the tech speaking and address his question.

LA

well - just like I said in mine - I would have said Im on a call - wait a minute - if I couldn't say it to you, I would have mouthed it to you and if you didnt get it - I would have motioned for you to sit until I was done.

I dont think your FWW handled it wrong because she didn't handle it the way you would...I think there are bigger issues to look at than this...

I think if I walk in on my WS and she is on the phone and she doesn't try and hang up or move out of the room and I sit down or stay in the area waiting for her to get done and she doesn't react to that in anyway.... I just show common courtesy and wait until their down and then ask the who question..... didn't someone say plan a is for a life time?

MIM,

I don't see either your response to that situation or your wife;s way as wrong. Each way is equally valid. And I totally concur with Dorry's concern. You haven't seemed to be in recovery for a long time to my eyes (Your marriage, not the board). Presumably this is why you are now posting on GQ2 again.

""She tried mouthing the guy's name to me twice, and when she realized I still didn't know who she was talking about""

Lip reading school for you, my friend.