I am hoping to get some feedback and support on my situation, so I am editing my posts. I have gone on the usual roller coaster ride regarding what happened and what my husband hid from me. But on good days I can acknowledge that he loves me, that he has always loved me and that he just got into a correspondence that he found addictive. Even during the correspondence, he told her a lot about me and how happy he was with me. Please read the rest of my posts and know that what really got to me was that he made arrangements to go meet her. During their meeting, he got uncomfortable and wanted to normalize the relationship so he brought her home to meet me and the kids under the pretense that he had just "run into her". This all happened in March of this year and lasted 4 weeks. We have had some pretty frank conversations since then. He says he did not get a "hard on" over her. He says he fantasized about her no more than he fantasizes about any woman. He did not even know what she looked like until he had the meeting with her. He says he just fell into the correspondence and then did not know how to tell me because he knew it was weird to be talking to her daily and that the tone was a little personal at times.

Anyway, we have download the questionnaires and are talking about our needs. He is doing much much better with some of the things he was doing that made living with him difficult at times. (he used to look at magazines and journals when we were talking or when the kids needed him. I have asked him for years to just not obtain printed material during key times like at dinner, during dinner prep, when engaged in a dialogue with me when interacting with the kids. It wasn't until this all happened that he has finally taken this request to heart. He is interacting with the children much more regularly. They are all teen age boys and I have had to really push him to communicate with then around father/son issues. Sometimes i have felt like a single parent except that he has always helped with household chores when he is not out of town on business.) Anyway, he is really being more of a father and a husband. I know I need to compliment him more. I need to get over the minimal little relationship he had and get on with our life. I am doing good with it on most days--and he has commnented that I am doing really good--meeting his needs. Can anyone comment on all this and help me stay on the right path. I had a bad bout of anger a few days ago where the anger over what he did welled up again. (how could he lie to me, how could he bring her into my home under a false pretense, how could he not tell me about his communications with her so it could be normal, etc. He has been really good about acknowledging it as and emotional affair and I truly think he will never do anything like it again. I just get angry over the loss of innocence and trust I had. When I am under control, I feel like I have been a bit of a baby about all this--spoiled by an uncomplicated 30 year relationship. Any comments?? to help me stay on the right track??

Here is my story:

My husband had an EA. He located a high school girlfriend and started e-mailing her more than once a day. This relationship also involved phone calls and text messages. I was completely oblivious as we have a 30 year relationship and I trusted him completely. We are one of those couples admired for our relationship. She came to town and he made arrangements to meet her and lied to me in order to go and secretly meet her. He began feeling uncomfortable with what he was doing at this meeting and brought her home pretending he had just "run into her" But of course things came out over the course of the visit and over the course of a week, I figured things out. My H was in denial about the whole thing for the most part. He was able to acknowledge that he felt uncomortable with the deception over the course of the relationship but that he had blocked those feelings. He felt at the time that he was just having "fun". He was vaguely aware that he was keeping things from me. When I showed him an article about EAs, he realized this was an EA. He terminated all communication with her. He feels very bad that he has hurt me. He assures me he never considered it a real affair--just "fun". I could handle all this more easily if he had not lied to me in order to spend time alone with her. I am not the jealous type. He has had old girlfriends visit us before. He has even spent time alone with them--but he has let me know what he was doing and I have been aware of everything. This recent episode --e-mails, etc lasted for about three weeks before she came to see him. I feel like he would have continued with the relationship in some form if I had not figured things out and called him on it.

How do I get over the pain and sadness and anger. He took away my trust. I know that he will never do this again but there is a hole in me. How do I heal? Are there other threads on this site I should review that would help me?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

I know that this was very hurtful to you, but it does sound like your husband has more of a conscience than most wayward spouses.

The fact that he is having no contact with her is very promising.

Do you know if he was looking for her, or she was looking for him?

The fact that he died of guilt and confessed before it really took off is a very good sign. Remember, pretty much anyone is vulnerable to an affair if they don't watch themselves.

Please buy and read the book, His Needs Her Needs. This will open up a lot of the information you are looking for. Being alone with a former lover is never a good idea, no matter how much you trust your spouse. Dr Harley recommends that a husband and wife never put themselves in that kind of situation, too dangerous.

This is odd that he went out of his way to look for her. Why did he do this? It sounds like he was looking for trouble to me.

You both need to be completely honest with each other and find out what he was looking for. He has a need that he felt you couldn't meet, so he went elsewhere.

He was looking for her. I read some of his e-mails to her and they were flirty but he also talked about me and his family--I did not see any of these ones.

He had been looking for a few old friends, both male and female. I have not been able to get much from him about what he was looking for other than he wanted to apologize to her for an old hurt he had caused her. He just says the relationship took off. He had told me that he had e mailed her and mentioned her to me a couple of times. I just had no idea that they were talking daily. I had no idea she was in town until he brought her back to the house. He says there was no reason for him to do it, that it had nothing to do with me or our relationship. We are working on our relationship and building it now. I just am still on the roller coaster where I think about what he did and get sad/angry.

I agree that it is not a good idea to be alone with a past lover. The time before, he was alone to speak to an old girlfriend about a health problem she had had. Then they re-joined me and the family.

The best he can come up with is a delayed mid life crisis and that he was looking for validation. He says he wasn't thinking about what he was doing as he was doing it. So it is difficult for him to attached motive to his actions now. It does seem as though he was blocking thoughts about his actions as he was doing them. She responded to his last e mail saying she did not view their relationship as an unsafe one. But he says he has zero desire to contact her or anyone else and will never do anything remotely close to this again.

I'll get the book. Our life together is hectic with teen age children but we are at a very good place in our lives financially and emotionally. We have both taken care of ourselves physically.

I have been having a bad couple of days--re-visiting my anger over his deceit over the 4 weeks of the EA. I asked him today why he contacted her to begin with. He said he was checking in periodically on a few friends to see if they were on those (blasted) class lists. He felt he was trying to recapture some of the good feelings from his youth. I came close to e-mailing the ow myself today. I know it was due to my very emotional state today and it would not be a good idea since he has completely and gladly discontinued all contact with ow--am I right that it would be a mistake to contact her?? I read a post just now about the difficulty letting go of the pain because it then seems to almost trivialize the importance of the hurt that was caused. I think that is what I am going through. I put the pain away and begin to enjoy my relationship with my H and then whammo--PAIN, ANGER wells up. My H says he will accept this emotion from me because he knows he caused the pain and he is very sorry for what he did. I almost feel like I need someone to tell me to get a grip and to let go of the anger and focus on his love for me and commitment to me.

Thought I knew how to move my thread up to current time in order to get some feed back. Maybe I don't need this anyway. Guess I can muddle along with my H. My best to all of you, especially those in great pain--try to relax if you can--thinking of you.

I have a lot of hope for your marriage. Your husband does seem to "get it". But I really hope you will stick around and read the stuff here. You can learn how to make your marriage better than before, so this won't happen again.

Check out the emotional needs questionnaire and see if the two of you are meeting each other's top needs.

Lake,

I didn't see a timeline...how long was the EA and how long since DDay for you?

LA

Hi Lake,
I'm sorry I haven't seen your posts- I had a crazy week this week and have not been checking on here as much as normal.

I can so relate to how you are feeling. The OW in our case was also my FWS's high school girlfriend. It lasted for about 6 months, but my husband didn't stay in control when they met to talk and it became a physical affair. It was only the one time, but it dtillmakes it hard.

Even if his did not turn into a physical affair, EA's are still so tough to get over. I know for me the fact that he was talking to her, telling her about his day, his life, sharing himself with her was devastating for me.

The 1 year anniversary for D-day for me is coming soon. I am doing so much better than I was. Time really does help. The book surviving an affair was a huge help for me.

The fact that your husband broke off contact is a great thing. Very promising.


Would it be possible for you to see a counselor? I know it really helped me to work through my anger and my grief over all of this. Be sure you choose one who is pro- marriage.

Keep reading and posting- Do the Emotional Needs questions together. Recommit to meeting one another's needs. That has been so important in our recovery.

Hang in theree

Thank you for writing to me.

I'm not certain that going to counseling would be a best use of our time. We are now working daily on meeting each others emotional needs. Now that we are doing it, I can see all the missed opportunities of caring for each other over the years. If I continue to struggle with periodic emotionality, I will consider setting up counseling. I have been doing well for a few days now regarding emotionality.

His EA lasted three weeks and took place in March 06. It took me a week after that to fully uncover and expose the nature of the relationship. During that week, he was vastly reducing his contact with OW--3 e-mails in that week talking about what he and I had done that week. But he was still not showing them to me. I think his logic was that he had hurt me and he did not want to hurt me any more. But he also did not want to hurt OW, so he was trying to gradually ease out of the relationship.

He fully realized that it was an EA by the end of that week. I had been uncovering and exposing it to him. At that time, he drafted a good-bye e-mail to her and let me review it and together, we edited it so that I was comfortable with it. For example, I did not want him to tell her that I did not know the extent he was corresponding with her. I just felt that this was a private issue between him and me and none of her business. He readily agreed and took that part out of the e-mail.

I hope I do not have another bout of emotionality. My mind knows we are doing better than we have in years, possibly better than ever. I know we would not have made this progress with our relationship if he had not had the EA. Yet I wish he had not had the EA. Yet, I am thrilled to have this vastly improved relationship with him. This feels somewhat like a double bind situation. Maybe that is why I have the emotional bouts.

Me 52
H 53
H had EA 3 weeks March 06
Married 1977
D-Week: 4-3-06
DS: 12,14, 16

Well, I am still responding to triggers. I have tried to not talk about my emotions when I get emotional about what he did. I found it did not work and that I needed to go over my thoughts with him about the EA. But I'm wondering, is this productive or should I just keep quiet and maybe the emotion will fade. He continues to meet emotional needs and is being very good. I want to stop dwelling on the EA. How did others stop dwelling?? I think about it hourly it seems and ask him questions about the detail every 5 days or so.

FWH 53 EA 4 weeks counting D week 3/06 to 4/06
BW 52
married 30 years
DSs 12, 14, 16

lake,
You have talked a great deal about what YOU are doing to try to deal with this - but what is your FWH doing to regain your trust?

Do you have the password to all his email accounts so you can look at it anytime?

Do you have online access to his cell phone bills?

Do you have online access to his credit card bills?

Is he where he says he's going to be and doing what he says he's going to be doing?

If he is an open book about these things, it will go a long way to rebuilding your trust in him.

You are angry and anxious right now because you don't trust him, and rightly so.

The answer to this is not to force yourself to trust him.

What is HE doing to regain your trust?
Mulan

e-mail account--Yes, he showed me how to access his work e-mail account and I do this any time I want.

cell phone and credit card bills--Yes, I have on-line access to them and we only have one credit card.

He is always where he says he is going to be and doing what he says he is going to do.

He calls me all the time now, whenever he can. He was writing me special notes but has not done this in the past week or so.

He is spending special time with each of our children and is tuning in to their needs now.

He has bought me several gifts and has brought me flowers.

This whole thing made him aware of how distant a father and husband he had become. This whole EA thing has had a huge impact on him and he really is a changed man--much improved--trying to be the attentive man that he pretended to be in the past. He says he just wants to love us and take care of us--meet our day to day needs and he is trying hard to do that.

On the plus side, he never told the OW that he loved her or indeed that he was interested in her in a romantic way. He did write the NC letter as soon as I called him on the EA and he let me preview it.

On the minus side, he kept the relationship a secret from me and he subtly told her what time to call him so that she would call when I was not around (three calls), He lied to me to go meet her. His relationship with her was flirty but he was being careful not to make it too flirty so that he would not scare her away and so that he could assure himself that no "sex" was involved.

I do believe that he has had a Huge "now I get it, now I know what i have been missing" but it is at such a big expense of that faithfulness that I was so certain we shared.

do not expect yourself to be fully trusting your husband for many months and even for years .. it just is what it is

the love is not the problem ... recovery of trust is the big problem

time

time

and

of course

time

YOU have legitimate issues and concerns

you are not NUTZ

you are normal

anger will fizzle out

it may be followed by resentment (which is worse)

how about calling the harley's for a tune up?

Have your H contact Harley every 6 months until he is too old to dial a phone !
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep

I agree with Pepperband. As long as FWH is doing the good things that he is doing, please give yourself some time to absorb them and to let them help heal you.

I do not want to minimize your pain in any way, but please do take some time to realize that your situation could be far worse. Just read some of the tragic stories here and you will realize that.

Also remember that sometimes a BS can be a bigger threat to the marriage than the WS is. If you truly want the marriage, remember to do YOUR part as long as FWH is willing to do his.

So - just keep doing the work and allow sufficient time for healing. Nobody expects you to feel perfect today and FWH should not expect that, either.

Your situation is very, very hopeful - far more hopeful than most. Many, many BS here would like to have what you have. Please do not forget that.
Mulan

Thank you Pep and Mulan for the feedback.

I saw these questions posed to another BS and so I asked my FWH to answer them. Here is what he wrote:

What have you learned since your affair?

I had only thought that my wife and family were the most important things in my life. I was not acting on my value. I now know it takes all my attention to serve my wife and family as they deserve to be served. I have learned that Lake works so very hard at maintaining standards of behavior and morality on behalf of the family and that I have been remiss in attending to such details. I have learned that it is actually enjoyable to attend to Lake and the boys in the manner that I had been repeatedly asked to do. The rewards of doing so are unmeasureable and I still don't believe that I am worthy of the rewards received. I have learned that I had an astonizing, dangerous, and unhealthy ability to compartmentalize my behaviors.




What have you changed about yourself since your affair?

I try to pay attention to the needs of all family members, and I know I am reponding to those needs better than I ever have.

I make efforts every day to respond to Lake's specific love language.

Although it is not easy for me, I can now talk more about my feelings (with Lske's encouragement) than I could in the past. It is often embarrassing, but ultimately productive.





What have you learned about you wife since this affair?

I learned (again with help from Lake) about her "love language." I learned that she has been deeply wounded by my actions both recent and long standing. I learned that she is more forgiving than I thought and that it is hard for her to sustain that forgiveness.




What have you seen differently about your wife since the affair?

How beautiful and sexy she is and what a fool I have been to squander this gift to my one and only life.

I always knew it but I remain astounded by Lake's tenacity in working through any [censored] to get to the essentials of any issue. I find it exhausting. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for her to live at that level.



What has changed in your thinking concerning marraige in general, your marriage, and how you would like your marraige to be?

"Good enough" is not "Good enough." If I do not work on it hard every day (as Lake has always been more than willing) I will lose ground and wonderful opportunities. I want to become honest and non-secretive in all communication with Lake. Everything else is false. I understand that a marriage makes a couple a unit and not just two people living together. Our coupleness looked good to others but I now know I always need to think of "us" and not "me." That is a rule that will always work out for the better.


What are your goals for life now and have they changed since the affair?

My goals are the same, but I know how hard I need to work and that I have to not waste my emotional energies elsewhere. I used to think that goals would just happen with "general effort" in a given direction. I am no longer that naive.

My goals are to continue making our home comfortable and supportive for the rest of our parenting careers and for our impending retirement. I want to be a good father, husband and lover in practice and in the minds of relevant family members.

My sub-goals are to spend more "date" time with Lake, and to give each son specialized attention so that they know that they have a father. I certainly noticed that I did not get one "Happy Father's Day."
H of Lake



Yes, I can see it is going to take time, time and more time for me to deal with my astonishment that he could do this to me and not be aware of the seriousness of his actions
Lake

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

keep your chin up

I think you'll make it through all this crap & come up smelling SWEET

Pep

*** " . . . that he could do this to me and not be aware of the seriousness of his actions" ***

I'll bet you are afraid that if you take him back too readily and make this too easy for him, he'll feel free to do it again.

Am I right?

Well, it's a legitimate concern. Some WS *do* learn that the BS will forgive them and stay with them no matter how badly they behave, and the WS learns to abuse this for all it's worth.

Is this what you are really afraid of right now?
Mulan

Mulan,
No, truly I believe he will never do anything like this again. It is so out of character for him--I do believe it was a delayed mid life crisis sort of thing for him and he has deep regrets about it.

There may be a part of me that feels him backing off from catering to my emotional needs. Then my mind wanders to what he did to us. I think aside from the typical triggers, this may be happening a little.

I think I need to hear that there are many BSs that would be happy to be in my position. I need to remember that although it was a flirtation--he stopped as soon as I called him on it and he still loved me through all of it. He was just using her to recreate a beloved youth.

I know that if I can just get past these emotions, he will be a better husband and father than he has ever been. We can be really blessed if I can just break through this. I hope that time is the answer as long as we both keep meeting emotional needs.

Thank you for listening to me
Lakedoing