you can't implement the words by being on your knees grovling. Stand up and be counted.
I am taking my leave as I really can't handle trying to help someone that has no desire to help himself.

I still don't understand how pressing charges will save my M......It will surely end it.

If you cannot hear the absurdity in what you are saying... "my W will leave me if I press charges aginst her A partner for the felony that he committed against me"... you have bigger problems than your W leaving you pal.
What part of "if she leaves you over this she's already gone and not worth anything" don't you get.
Do you really want to be married to a woman that would cheat on you and then leave you when you report her lovers assault? If the answer to that question is "yes".. please go away.
In answer to your simple question about what good will it do....
It will show that you are ready to be a man. And up until now you have done nothing to show that you are. You have stuck your head in a pillow and waited for the screwing that has come and is coming your way.
Keep up the good work. It has done wonders for you up until now.

It's interesting, 6 months ago, I would be right there with you and would have made the call to the local PD to press charges. Throughout my life I've always thought that I have great integrity. I guess it's been lost somewhere along the line. I will consider your advice it's all I can say at the moment.....

Show her that YOU can live without her, and that she ultimately has NO control over you.....right now...it's not her that has control....it is fear!

Value yourself more than anyone...and you will become more of a value to others.

MWIL

So, for my benefit and your feedback I figure I'll list my fears that I face every hour of every day.

I fear that:

1) WW will continue contact with OM.

2) I fear that we will divorce.

3) I fear that my children will suffer further emotional and psychological damage if we divorce.

4) I fear the I will be a failure for the rest of my life if I cannot recover my M.

5) I fear that we will lose everything I've worked for over the years. Retirement, the home we just bought and moved into among other things.

6) I fear having to start all over. The dating scene doesn't appeal to me at all.

7) I fear that I will lose my job over all of this. They've been VERY supportive but it won't go on forever.

These are the fears I have at the moment. I need to figure out how to face them and move on. That is the message I am getting from all here.....

I'm going to Quizno's to get something to eat. I'll be back.

I was EXACTLY in your boat 8 months ago. Then I learned (through so many on this board) that the only wall to MY happiness was MY fear.

Let's go through your list:

1.) YOU CAN'T CONTROL THIS!!! So by removing yourself from knowing or not knowing, you reduce the "fear". Go do things that YOU enjoy! Hard at first, by just get through it, and the enjoyment will come back!! And do things that make YOU feel good about YOURSELF. Things that won't give back....only YOUR knowledge that YOU did something good. Example....some volunteer work, big brother big sister, surround yourself around people that could VALUE what YOU have to offer.

2.) You control only half of this decision, she contols the other half...her choice...you CAN'T control. Divorce is a "fearful" thought....but it doesn't mean the end of any chances....just the end of the symbol of your first relationship. If she falls in love with you again after D....she's not going to say "We can't do this...we're divorced!!!" Eliminate that fear from yourself.

3.) You CAN control this. If D does indeed happen, dedicate your energies to minimizing the effects on the children. Read, read, read some more. Learn to be the best YOU that you can offer to the kids. Staying together of course, is the best....but YOU can make the best of the situation that is presented to YOU.

4.) This fear will go away with time and focusing on yourself. You have been battered emotionally...and just like a physical wound....an emotional one takes time as well. Now you won't feel like that, but you will heal eventually.....try very hard to understand this within your mind....your heart will catch up.

5.) Katrina victims feel this way too. You fear that you can't do it again....it's too much work. But those material things are just that. Believe it or not, but you will be a stronger man, if that indeed happens. Opportunities are always there for us to grasp....it's just right now...you can't see them. Know that you can become and do whatever you want. We ALL have it in us. Just fear gets in the way.

6.) Of course the dating scene isn't appealing right now....your heart is still filled with someone else. That fear, again, goes away when your heart is ready....and that takes time. And it's not even assurred yet that that will happen anyway....so don't even let your mind go there....it taps too much energy!

7.) Then GO DO YOUR JOB!!! Attack every task given to you as though your life depended on it. This is a fear that you can control!!!! And it speaks about the depth of hurt you are in!!! It's hard at first...but literally....work as if YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!! As if you don't do your work you won't be fired......BUT YOU WILL BE KILLED!!!!!! Eventually, your work habits will improve...just keep that mentality.

Fear is what I had for the first 3 months of my ordeal. When I recovered myself....not only did things change for the good for me at work and with my kids....they changed for the good with my FWW....because I became ATTRACTIVE TO HER AGAIN!! And fighting all your fears is only done within your self.

GET R DONE!!! And ditto what medc says.....your wife needs to see you stand up for....YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
Good luck
MWIL

Well, I did a bit of digging and see that WW has a negative bank balance and she's taken a cash advance from her Visa card so, I'm guessing she is sending the OM money to support him. So, I've decided to call my local PD and persue pressing charges against him. I am so frightened. I'm guessing this will be the end of my marriage for sure and the D will move forward. I just cannot take it anymore, I need to regain my intregity and move forward with my life with or without her.

This means that the house we just closed on and moved into on 6/5 will be put up for sale, I will pay her Child Support until the kids are 18 and Spousal Support for 5 years. My guess is I will be funding her A for as long as she wants.....

Please, pray for me, for my Daughter for my Son......

So, I cannot prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the WW is in contact with the OM but, the fact that she's withdrawn cash from her checking account and a cash advance from her Visa card I can only presume she is sending him money. In fact, she sent an e-mail to a former co-worker and asked them a question pertaining to bankruptcy and if you can file in any state or only in the state in which you reside. From the conversation he and I had, he is in (according to him) dire financial straits so, perhaps BK is the direction he is going.

Now, I have NO PROOF other than what I'm telling all here. Do I conclude as I think or just let it go and see where things end up? The only way they could be in contact is via postal mail, her work phone or a pay-as-you-go cell phone that she keeps at her work.

I'm not really sure why I'm even worried about this. There is NOTHING I can do about it other than continue with plan A and continue the legal action against the OM in regards to the payoff.....

Someone talk to me here.....

okay... you asked for help.. here it is... it is time to offer your W a one time chance to get on the right track. She either agrees to MC now and NC forever or you start plan B immediately. She leaves without the kids. Either way you go after this character for every penny and criminal charges.
You have run this off into a ditch. Now... stand up.. put yourself and the kids first. Give your W this one chance to make it right or she hits the road until she agrees to your non negotiable and firm demands.
In addition, you need to go to IC and work on your assertiveness and guilt issues. No one will respect you when you are acting like such a push over. No one.
So, start living a life that you can be proud of. You can only control your own actions and reactions. If you truly want help, we are here... if you want it... if you just want to complain and not take action...I would suggest Dear Abby.
You need to act immediately. And that means tomorrow... by the end of the day you should have talked to the police, your W and set up MC and IC sessions. In addition, you should be reading on this site and finding a way to muster the strenght to protect your children. Accomplish these tasks and then we will talk about what needs to be done on Friday.

Ditto what MEDC says!!! I know it's hard......many of us have been in your shoes....we only offer help when we have LEARNED OUR lessons.

Standing up for yourself is THE ONLY WAY!!!! I've said it before....and I'll say it again.........VALUE YOURSELF MORE THAN ALL OTHERS....AND YOU WILL BE VALUED MORE BY OTHERS!!!!! (INCLUDING YOUR WW, EVEN THOUGH SHE WILL FEEL PAIN BY YOUR ACTIONS!!!]

Do as many things NOW that you can do to restore your manhood.....screw her....she is a WW!!!!! They come around...but THEY NEED TO BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS!!! Protect yourself...your kids....and grow a set!!! You will be rewarded with self pride that will carry you though whatever course this runs!!

Godspeed!!
MWIL

MEDC, MWIL,

We've been attending MC for a couple of months now. The MC has been pushing her to get off the fence and make a decision. Does she want to remain married? If so, she needs to stop all contact and treat the cancer she's created inside me. She has moments of honesty but she mostly avoids the truth.

She will NOT leave the house without the kids. Remember, we've been going down the D path since August of last year and neither of us will leave the house without the kids. A traditional Plan B will NOT work here because of that.

MEDC, I've spoken to my local PD and they are researching to see if there is a case here.

Her actions in the background are that of a typical WW with the money stuff but everything else is NORMAL on the surface She's fully engaged in the family and attentive to all. That's what is so frustrating about this. I don't have proof that they are in contact and I can account for ALL her time. anyway, I'm persuing the legal route with the OM and that should shake things loose for sure.

Okay, let's start with the police. A crime has been committed here. Period. You insist that charges are filed now. You have that right as a citizen.

MC... YOU direct the course of this counseling. YOU decide for yourself that enough is enough and that fence sitting is no longer acceptable even for one more day.

Have you exposed this A to everyone in her life??? You need allies.

I get the impression from you that you let life happen to you. It is time for you to be the leader and take charge of every aspect of your divorce or recovery.

If plan B does not work because she will not leave... then figure out how to plan B her as much as possible while in the same house. Stop going to bed with her. Take the kids out for fun time without her. Go out on your own. You need not tell her where you are going. If you are forced to live together physically... then find ways to strengthen yourself as an individual even if you are locked into the house.

You need to change course and do it now. Don't keep coming up with obstacles to doing the right thing... figure out how to work around these and DO IT.

The detective I spoke with is checking with the States Attorney to see what laws were broken and how to proceed.


This is the avenue I've been persuing albeit, I let the MC ask the hard questions, I just bring up my concerns.

Done a long time ago. At this point, she's got everyone convienced that she is committed to our M. Her parents and sister have disowned her so, there is a huge open wound there. Keep in mind the ONLY evidence I have that she is back in contact with OM is all circumstantial. I don't have anything concrete....yet.


I was not like that until about 4-5 months ago. I've reacted to everything prior to that not thinking everything out and it's gotten me nowhere. I've always been a take charge person but, in this case I've let that go and that is not working either.


This is where we were just 3 months ago. I need to figure out a way to get back to this point without her realizing the drastic change. That is one problem I've had throughout all of this. I've been at one extreme or another so, I need to find the middle ground to make this work.


I'm working on it. It won't happen overnight but the first step has been taken with the call to the police. Thanks to all.....

BS

You are getting there Bark. You can do this. Your marriage may not survive you becoming the "right person" or doing the "right thing" only God knows but you know what?; if it can't survive AND thrive then do you really want to be part of a ho hum existence with a WW that doesn't get it?

Exactly, spud. Take it from me - I am a girl - I can tell you that women have NO respect for men that they can bully and frighten and walk over. For men who refuse to lift a finger to protect them.

This case is even worse because not only have you let your WW walk all over you, you have allowed her boyfriend to do the same. To be blunt, these two are *ss-raping you and you are taking it because you're scared your WW will leave if you don't.

That's how your WW looks at it.

I think you would be very surprised at your WW's response if you did the right thing, called the police and stopped letting your wife scare you. Sure, she'd throw a huge fit at first, but if you stand your ground she would start looking at you as a MAN and not as a frightened mouse that she and her boyfriend can bully.

I know you are worth far more than that.
Mulan

OK, I just got off the phone with the PD. They discussed this with the States Attorney and they would not persue this as a criminal matter. They suggested going after OM in a civil case which nets me nothing!

I am at a loss. I was planning on using the criminal charges to be the catalyst to tell the WS and tell her I am suspect of her actions and will not tolerate any contact or help of any sort for OM.

Sure, I can continue all the other parts of my plan and see where things end up but in the meanwhile, (I know, I've asked this before) should I just sit down with the WW show her the e-mail I sent to him, the cell phone records of our conversation and the deposit slip to his bank account? On one hand it will just show her that I am willing to get [censored] raped and am weak or she will just go ballistic and jump off the fence and drop her cake at the same time. I don't expect any good for our M to come from this but it's not going to get any better continuing the route we are going.

BS

You should point blank ask her about being overdrawn and the missing money. Ask her where it went, and bluntly tell her to produce the receipts after she tells you.

As far as the rest of this...you should start drawing some clear boundaries of behavior of what you will accept from your wife. Tell her bluntly that you've let this drag out for as long as you can...at this point, it's time for HER to make some decisions and to take the appropriate actions.

She's played the game of MC all this time...while she'd still been maintaining contact with OM up until you paid him off to quit, yes?

Next MC session, drop the bomb. Tell her that she's had plenty of time to 'make up her mind'...that at this point she needs to tell you what her decision is going to be...right there in that MC session. PERIOD.

Again, clear BOUNDARIES are what you need to be setting. No more accepting crumbs, tolerating horrible treatment, etc... Stick up for your own rights...and ENFORCE THEM. Have a plan in place for when she tests them...because she will. Be ready for it.

And for yourself...start hitting the gym. Walking, running, martial arts...something to start getting yourself in shape and working off all of that stress. You'll be amazed at how that helps.

Start backing off from her. Don't worry about doing it gradually so she doesn't notice...it's time to NOT CARE if she notices. Trust me...you start creating more distance between you, and she'll start wondering why. And she'll make the effort to close the gap, even if she doesn't realize why.

You've spent all this time worrying about what she's going to do if you do this, or that.

One of the best sig lines I've seen on this site (and I'm surely going to mis-quote it)...

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

Start DOING that...start LIVING that way. I'd bet bigtime that inside two months your life would turn around...probably even your marriage. Give it some serious thought.

Okay, let me make this very clear.... that is a bunch of [email]cr@p...[/email] either you failed to explain the matter correctly or you are taking "no" for an answer a bit too easily.
YOu have the right to have charges filed. There was a state and federal crime committed. I have NEVER heard of a DA's office suggesting that you file civil charges. So, get back on the phone with them... call the State AG yourself. Call the FBI and speak to someone there as this is also a federal case... but STOP LETTING PEOPLE WALK ON YOU WITH BULL [email]CR@P[/email] ANSWERS.

Owl,

Thank you for taking the time and effort to respond to my post. About the bank account. She doesn't know I have access to her account so, do I just go ahead and tell her I know or just let it go for now?

As far as the MC session and "dropping the bomb". That's what I had in mind, perhaps even show her the e-mail to the OM, tell her we spoke and show her the deposit slip to his account. I'd go on to tell her I'm suspect that they are STILL in contact and that is NOT acceptable to me. And yes, she was playing the MC all along. The MC knows about the payoff but we haven't let her know.

I need to get back to the gym. I was going 4-5 days a week until I tore my rotator cuff. I had surgery in April I've been in physical therapy since then. I felt a LOT better when I was working out but then again I was on anti anxiety meds too. Between the two, I felt a LOT better than I do now.

And as far as the sig line....It brought tears to my eyes. I am so afraid, I don't want to be but I am just the same.

Thanks again,

BS