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Joined: Jun 2006
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I have been talking to this girl for around 9 months. We both have something in common. We were cheated on! Her husband is still cheating on her but they are separated. I have been destroyed by infidelity myself about a year earlier. I seen the pain in her face daily and brought back bad memories. For around 6 months I have been helping her cope with her pain. Most of our conversations happen in email form. She is a very sweet gal. After a while she stopped emailing me. I was ok with that I kind of figured she was trying to work it out with the husband again. So contact was broken and it was just hi and bye in the halls. Anyway about a month a go I got an email from her how she missed my conversations and the friendship. She was really down on her looks and weight. The funny thing about it is that she is normal in size and very pretty but infidelity makes you feel ugly. She also mention in this email that that my hair was sexy. Basically I would email and pep her about her looks and talk her through some rough times. A few days later she emails me again and writes that she considers me her best friend. More emails come from her with flirtatious comments. So I email my phone number and tell to call me if she needs to talk to someone. She never calls? The emails still come in from her. She then starts calling me on my work phone and we would talk about non work related stuff for maybe a half an hour at a time. So I start flirting, commenting on her cloths and looks. There was another guy who works in the same building that hit on her and she avoided him like the plague. With me she keeps coming back for more. She will not call me at home which is weird. After she made the comment that I was her best friend I started getting different feelings for her. I stopped and looked at how long we have been talking and the good times we have had. I think that I am really digging her now.
A few days ago I got an email from this really hot girl also in the building while she was standing by my PC. The email was non work related. She showed signs of jealousy and kept bring up the other girl for days; I finally said that the other girl is no where comparable to her. A day later I get an email from her stating a construction worker asked her out and wanted to know if I knew him. I said yes and in a joke fashion I said “If he touches you I will kill him” I was just messing around but showed some jealousy for her benefit. Later on that night I got an email from her stating how she hopes that the vendor that she has to work with tomorrow is hot. Today I ignored her all day she has not contacted me as well I believe we are playing games with each other. I am digging her but I can not figure her out she is hot one minute and blows me off the next. Is this games woman play? Should I not contact her and play the waiting game? Why doesn’t she call me at home? She always complains about how bored she is sitting at home. Or should I just write her off! If some of the woman responds to this email I would appreciate it. I think this is a womans question. I want to know what she is doing, playing with me to make herself feel good or actually interested in me. What should I do next with her.

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Is this Junior High?


Just another guy exploring middle age.
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Yes, it seems that way, but some women are like like still.
I have been straight forward with her on my feelings. But she plays games. I was just wondering the motive of her actions. I bet another woman coudld answer that. And yes I know it seems junior! please just write something constructive. I know that there are women out there that play these games even at an older age.

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I'm confused.. Is she still married?

AGG


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Yes, The man she is with is dating other woman right now.
She looking to buy a house to get away from him. He is very abusive.

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i am a woman so let me comment here....

i think it sounds very immature on her part and i know i do not act like that! why don't you two just communicate and get this out in the open? find out if either one of you feels more than friendship feelings. where is her marriage going? i sure hope they are on the verge of filing divorce or something if she is talking about all these other guys... i have no problem with people dating when they are legally separated but is she?

the way she is acting is NOT how women act in my opinion in the norm... i would be very very careful... mlhb

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"Junior high" was my first thought too (sorry)...


Not my way of "playing games" (if at all, now and in the future)... but have an opinion and going to share it.

- she doesn't call you at home because of the time, i.e. she's not free to call you after the working hours, but have enough time to do it when at work...
Also, do you have her home phone #, are you 'allowed' to call her at home? (If not, you should know why, right?)
- I don't have feeling she plays games, but she calls/asks for you whenever she needs it, to feel better, to "heal", get attention/compliments she needs... and she is coming back when needs it and going away when that need is fullfiled somewhere else(?)

You said she's separated, then what does "The man she is with..." mean?

Also, "Her husband is still cheating on her but they are separated."... my feeling is that she lives with him under the same roof... so, she cheats on him too behaving that way with you...

9 months... what do you get in return from all of this, what keeps you 'in'...?


I'm not Belonging to Nowhere anymore! :-)
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about 4 of us went to a bar after work today and she paged me to see how long we would be staying there tonight. We drank a good amount. there were 4 of us. She stated that her Husband went out to another bar with his mistress. and he started an arugmnet to get rid of her tonight. So she came out with us. We do a lot of eye contact. I have been talking to her for nine months just to help her cope with her pain. I went through the same problems. And I think I'm falling for her. She is a sweet girl just wanting to be loved. I do beleive she has strong feeling for her husband even that he treats her like crap.

I don't get why she stays for the abuse!

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Avoid this situation LIKE THE PLAGUE.


Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
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I am with luck's on this one.
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She never calls? The emails still come in from her. She then starts calling me on my work phone and we would talk about non work related stuff for maybe a half an hour at a time. So I start flirting, commenting on her cloths and looks. There was another guy who works in the same building that hit on her and she avoided him like the plague. With me she keeps coming back for more. She will not call me at home which is weird.
Is she back with her H?
Sound's like you are being used, sorry.

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It’s hard to let it go because she relies on me when she is being dumped on. For some reason I make her feel better. I don't think she is out to cause damage to anyone. After talking to someone for close to a year it is hard not to find something attractive about the person. What do you think she will do if I did just stop talking to her? I already did that one time and she emailed me telling me how much she missed me. I figured that she was trying to work things out with the husband. She also said that things
Had gone better. When she starts talking about divorce with him he plays
Head games with her so she will cool out. And he just falls back into cheating again. She is very confused and mixed up. She just stays with the abuse. So where do I fit in and how did I get into this. Do you think that she has any romantic feeling for me? Or am I just giving her what she is yearning for at home? When she talks about other guys asking her out is she trying to get a rise out of me. She knows that I dig her. You would think that she wouldn't play the games like that after being straight forward like me. I can tell she gets jazzed when other women at work show attention to me. I am the type a guy that everyone gets along with and finds some weird comfort in me where people feel that they can just spill their life stories on me. I have always dated great looking woman and never had any trouble getting dates. But this girl there is something about her that draws me to her. She will mention other women who have shown interest in me by name. This happened yesterday. I really did think that she would show up at the bar yesterday. She completely surprised me. I am completely confused.

Joined: Apr 2000
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lost my game, you still have issues from your divorce. . . get over them before you start dataing. . .

you are looking for people to heal your internal bruises and emotional wounds. . . very poor reasons for continuing to play high school with people. . .

time to grow up and learn what maturity and self reliance means. . .

wiftty


Learning from your own mistakes creates experience, learning from books creates knowledge, combining the two together creates wisdom => You start with a full bag of luck, and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
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You were betrayed before, LMG...does it feel good to be part of betraying now?

You are the OM in a marriage...all you have is her stories of abuse, infidelity, etc...separation, not separated...you are the OM just as your exWW had an OM. You're him.

How does that feel? This woman is betraying her spouse, too...what makes you think she wouldn't do that to you?

I believe you're attracted to the same thing because you didn't get all your lessons; now you're being shown the other side of betrayal...

And you're also betraying yourself.

LA

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No I just think I see the pain in her that was in me. Everyone who has been cheated on knows that pain. It is the worst that anyone could imagine, like losing a parent. Except for the cheater they think it is easy to get over. Last night when she went out with us her husband was out with his mistress and she knows about and doesn't know how to get out of the situation. I emailed her last night and told her tp email me to let me know she got home safely. She was pretty buzzed. I also commented on her she look last night.
I don't know maybe I over my head. Her Husband doesen't care about her. How can that animal constantly hurt her like that. I am ashamed he is part of my gender. How could I be the OM if I did touch her in anyway. I just flirt. She must like me to some degree. If you were constantly craped on what would you do? I would get very old quick.

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Again, you only know her WH was out with his mistress because she said so. She is cheating on her marriage and cheaters lie.

You're doing it now. You're lying to yourself pretending to be a friend when you're an obstacle in their marriage. You are choosing to cheat.

I know both sides of the pain, LMG...I do understand. You are DJing her WH...your exWW said the same stuff about you...that you didn't care about her, probably was cheating her (projection) and were abusive to her.

How did that feel? Why participate in that from this side?

You were that animal...you don't know this woman's truth...only HER perception...and she is digging up others to ask her out, feed her attention...and those nights you wonder about her not calling you at home? Could be she's being wined and dined, loved up and held, having great sex with a faithful H instead of a WH...or a FWH desperately trying to save their marriage while his wife is cheating on him...with you.

Emotional Affairs aren't touching...when you meet someone's ENs...admiration, appreciation, affirmation, approval, empathy, compassion...all that she says she's not getting from her H...then you are being her H. This is what your WW chose...and you're choosing.

Friends don't let friends have affairs. Or be in one.

You saw yourself as constantly crapped on, so I hear you asking yourself that question...you divorced. She has tht ability. She owns her life. You can date her after divorce. Then you will not be her affair partner.

LA

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You are probably trapped in her emotional affair. You need to get out. Read Lucks advice and follow it.

Don't walk - run - from this situation.

If you need to tell her your reasons, tell her something to the effect of ... I know it is painful to see your marriage destroyed but I am uncomfortable with the role I am playing in your situation. If your marriage ends, and after you have had time to heal from that, I am interested in renewing our friendship. Until then, however, I think our relationship needs to focus on work only. And I know I have my own healing to do regarding my divorce.

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lost, i think you are playing with fire to have this flirty friendship with her while her and her husband still live together. she does not know what she wants right now. if she wants to remain married than work on the marriage, if not, than get out of it, get help for herself and then think about friendships with those of the opposite sex.

she tells you how badly her husband treats her... but... you have been there lost. don't you think your wife told her om the same thing? what trash you were, how unhappy she was, blah blah blah... all to justify being with him. she is justfiying her friendship with you or other men. plus, i believe she probably is unhappy and very confused. she needs to get the marriage sitch figured out long before she starts flirting with other men and i feel you should step back. be a friend but stop the flirting, etc. if her and her h split up, they get separated, he moves out, etc, etc.... than down the road see if you still feel the same about her. but i think, my opinion, this is big time fire. mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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I found out friday when we went out that her husband threw her out of the car. So she came out with us. She emailed me on Sat and told me that she had a great time and we should get together in future. Also she added she wanted to call me on Sat but didn't want to bother me with her problems. There is another woman at work who calls me at home that she knows about. And I think that it is getting to her. Yet she doesn't contact me at work like she use to. It is like she is playing games. Her attention comes in spurts. Right now it is calm. I won't call her because I think I'm the guy she uses to pick her up emotionally. She did not lie about her problems at home. It was going around work that the old man was cheating on her for a long time. And this was before I even got to know her. A few replies up suggested that.

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She's MARRIED.
Butt out, and find someone SINGLE.

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I found out friday when we went out that her husband threw her out of the car.

Was it when he found out that HIS WIFE, your crush, was having an emotional affair with you?

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It is like she is playing games.

It takes two to play in infidelity game and you appear to be playing just fine..... You could choose to stop seeing this non-separated married woman at any point.... PS... Where I come from we call that an AFFAIR or Adultery or CHEATING...


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I won't call her because I think I'm the guy she uses to pick her up emotionally.

Rather than waste company resources, why not start calling her in the evening at home.... Oh wait, HER HUSBAND IS AT HOME... NEVERMIND....

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She did not lie about her problems at home.

Maybe not.... Been round here long enough to know there is always three sides to a story.... His.. Hers.... & the Truth.... Oh, did she tell you that she was also involved in an affair?

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It was going around work that the old man was cheating on her for a long time. And this was before I even got to know her.

Ohhhhh... So you saw her as easy prey? Is there also going around that the old lady is cheating on her husband? If not, maybe you should start that one.....

What part of "You are the Other Man" do you not understand?


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
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