I'm new here have read posts for about a year now and finally got up the courage to post my situation.

I have been married to my h for 20 yrs now. We married when we were 17 we are the same age. We had a dd at 16yr. I had some trust issues with him after about 3yrs of marriage. He cheated on me then...I found letters he had wrote to the OW. He admitted the affair after caught. We decided to work on our marriage. I had a really hard time trusting after this happened.
I found out I was pregnant with twins. Everything seemed alright during this time even though it was still very hard for me to let go of the affair and fully trust him again.
During our marriage he has cheated on me over 10x's that I have confirmed. He has always said it would be the last time...never again would he do this to me. He had some major surgery's and I was there for him and took care of him and loved him with all my heart. Not only have I taken care of him but I have also taken care of our children for the most part by myself and his family. Every additional affair has made my heart harden to it. It almost feels like I'm just numb sometimes. After his surgery he became addicted to pain pills. I had to go through the constint withdrawl from the pills along with the hateful additude towards our girls and I. Finally got him off the pain meds and thought we would finally find the light at the end of the tunnel. I was wrong...he got off the pain meds. and started taking ephedrine...he couldn't rememeber anything half of the time and was always hateful. He told me had quit taking them and then one day I found out he was doing meth. He told me he would not do that again...didn't understand why he had hurt me so bad. Our girls didn't know half of what was going on. I tried to shelter them.
It seems with each affair I would wait for big changes...it just wouldn't be the changes I was hoping for. I have been faithful to my husband the entire time I was with him. He said the reason he would have the affairs was because I didn't trust him so he might as well do it if he was going to be accused of it anyway.
The last affair was about 6 mon ago...1 week after I found out about the meth. I admit I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I worked on that but he would always start going thru the same pattern he had with the affairs. I don't know if he is faithful right now...he says he is but after everything I have gone thru with him I just don't know if I'm having a hard time letting go or if there is something going or if the affair even ended. He works midnights...12hr shifts as a police officer so he has plenty of time while he is on duty to do whatever he pleases. He told me he was saved about 2 yrs ago and did start going to church with me and we were baptized together. But he started to drift away from the church last summer and I found out about the affair in Dec. Not sure what to do...I have always said that I would try to save our marriage no matter what. I just don't think it can be saved anymore. I pray for the Lord to give me some answers...I have always turned to the Lord for answers and always felt my prayers were answered. This time I'm not sure what to do....Sorry so long. Do I stay and pray it doesn't happen again or shame on me for letting it happen as many times as it has?

Hi LIL,

Welcome to MB. So sorry for all you've been through, but you have found the best place possible to help save your marriage.

Your H is manipulating you, holding you hostage with this "trust" nonsense. Trust is earned. Period. Once it is violated, it can be restored, but it has to be earned back. There is no way an adulterer can demand trust. It just doesn't work that way.

I am no expert, but there are a couple of things that leap out of your post:

1. Your DDs don't know half of what's going on. Yes they do. They may not know the details, but they know something is not right. By not stopping this destructive pattern, you are teaching them a terrible life lesson.

2. With each A you would wait for "big changes". You don't get anything by waiting. Nothing. You have to stand up for yourself, and your girls, and tell your H what you want.

3. Your H says "he might as well have the A, because you don't trust him." This is childish, manipulative, cake-eating behavior. If one of your DDs said, "I drank alcohol because you don't trust me, so I might as well do it anyway", how long would you put up with that?

There are a lot of issues here, and not the least is your H's problems with addictions - Pain medication, ephedrine, methamphetamine, possible sexual addiction (?).

First, I would move this post over to General Questions II, because there is a lot more traffic, and you will get a greater response. There are a lot of "old-timers" here who can share their expertise.

Go get a GYN check up and get screened for STDs. Tell the MD/NP you want to be tested for everything - syphillis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, herpes, HIV. Every time your H has had sex with another W, he's put your health, your life at risk. And, by the way, he has to go, too.

Buy the books - Surviving an Affair, Love Busters. You can get them from Amazon.com, or any bookstore, Heck, the libraries even have them.

Consider calling Steve Harley for counseling.

Are you sure your H is clean from drugs/acohol now?

You have a hard road ahead of you, but maybe coming here is the miracle you were praying for.

lostinlove,

Do you think your sign from God was Him letting you find out about the 10 + affairs?

I don't question your courage and devotion to your M. Do you also have the courage to report your police officer husband to his superiors as a meth using, 40mm canon wielding, tragedy just waiting to happen?

I am postive the Lord has been telling you what to do for a lot of years. Please don't let him take another life(s) with him.

You are in my prayers