Well, two years later after my EX and I separated, anyway. The affair was a year and 1/2 before that.
I've been divorced since November '05 and separated since June '04. Plan B since about Feb '05--there's been some contact, but very little. I did send him a Christmas Card....lol..and right before his birthday he emailed me and asked me not to send a birthday card because it caused problems between him and his girlfriend. (The girlfriend was not his actual affair partner--but he did start seeing her while we were still married and in counseling with the Harleys--she is what finally propelled me into Plan B). I hadn't planned on sending a birthday card--the Christmas card was my way of showing I was at peace. Still don't like what the man did, but I've accepted what has happened.
The girl is not a girlfriend anymore. I believe they got married a couple of weeks ago. Suprisingly, I'm okay with that. Can't say I wish them well, but there were no tears shed, no stomach roll-overs, etc. I do believe that within 5 years I will be in a MUCH better place than he is. I did things the right way and that is a good feeling. MB didn't work in favor of my marriage at ALL...but it did work for ME.
I'm doing pretty well. I have a good job and am still going to school. I got promoted a few months ago and this week applied for another promotion. I don't think I'll get it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> (there are more tenured people applying), but I felt really good about my interview and the things my manager had to say. I feel very good about my future at this company.
I've been looking for a house, which is pretty discouraging. Two of the houses I saw had crack-pipes on the porch.I had to google 'crack-pipe' to be sure...lol. With hurricane season here, I may have to wait until November now. Insurance is the big problem here in Florida. My friend just made an offer on a 120k house and ended up having to nix the whole thing because the insurance was 1800 for the year, which significantly increases your mortgage. But I'm not in a big hurry and I do think the right house will come along at the right time. Of course if my parents would like to indulge me and spoil their daughter just once, I'll have much better luck with houses!!
Anyway, despite wanting my parents' help with a house, I feel like a grown-up now. Despite being 35, this is really the first time I've truly been on my own. This is my first apartment all by myself, and I can make the rent! This is my first real job (I've always been going to school and working part time), etc etc. My son will be 18 this month and I just generally feel great about things.
Now...to the infidelity portion of things. I had a recent experience which made me again question..."[color:"red"]How can they do it?!?!?[/color]"
I've been involved with someone. I won't say 'dating' because this person lives pretty far away. This person is really important to me and I care about him a great deal. Won't say 'love'...because without seeing him on a day-to-day basis, that would be impossible to say. Anyhoo, because of the distance between us, we've specifically talked about seeing other people, etc. We won't commit to exclusivity because it just does not make sense and would not be fair to either of us. But, like I said, I care a great deal about this person. The whole dating other people thing hasn't really been an issue because we were both pretty wounded by our marriages (he went through same thing all of here did) and weren't ready to date much anyway. Our relationship very much suits our needs because the distance between us helps to keep a bit of a wall up--we can't get *too* deeply involved. I consider this a bit of a rebound relationship and I believe he sees things that way too.
As it was bound to do, the dating thing *did* come up. I went out with some friends one night, one of whom I'd been "hangin'" with quite a bit. Let's just say that things that night went a little bit further than I had originally intended them to.
I felt SO INCREDIBLY GUILTY afterwards. Some of it was just disappointment in myself, but moreso, it was guilt towards my long-distant relationship. Now this is a man towards whom there was a spoken agreement that we would not be exclusive. This a man that I care a great deal about, but am not in love with. But yet I still felt so horrible!!! I really had to debate whether or not to tell him about what had happened. In the end I decided to tell. It was very difficult and it did hurt him. My reasons for telling were basically for MB reasons. If there is ever a future with my long-distance relationship, I would rather he know about this now, than in the future. Kind of like we always say here--even though we did not have a commitment, he had the right to decide whether he still wished to continue our relationship. The relationship did not end, but it was shaky there for a while.
Anyway... in light of the way I felt after this experience--I just don't see how these WS can do it. Maybe I'm hyper-senstive because of what happened with my EX--but I just felt so damned bad!! How do these WS manage to continue in their behavoir!?! You don't know how bad I wanted to call my ex and question him after this! I didn't, but I sure did want to!! Someday I hope I know the answers--because I sure as heck triggered myself with my own careless behavoir!!
If you've managed, thanks for sticking through my long-winded post!
Thoughts (especially from the former WS)? How does one move past that guilt and continue in their behavoir? Or was that guilt not there?
