Hello all!

Have been reading threads at this site looking for a situation similar to mine, but have not found one, so here goes.
Three days after my WW left my 11year old son and I she filed a bogus PFA and immediately came back to the home with the OM ( a friend of both of ours ) in tow. Since I had nowhere else to go I headed to my hometown ( 320 miles away ) with Tyler.
While the OM has not moved belongings etc... into my home, he has been staying there nightly. Ty does not want to visit his mother and is very reluctant to even talk to her.
It has been 6 weeks since leaving and I am starting trade school July 1st and embarking on a new career, have strengthened my relationship with God ( as has Ty ), and have been doing a fairly good job with my own Plan A from what I have gathered from this site. I am going to the library tomorrow to get the books, as my wife is DEFINITELY in the fog and showing all of the textbook signs.
Can anyone give me any help with the logistical aspects of my situation? God bless all who find themselves here to help or be helped. Thank you.

Welcome! Your situation happens quite a bit around here. That is why we advise husbands especially to be very careful. Some WW's have no problem tossing the husband and moving in the OM. But it is pretty cold to put Ty out too.

I hope you will post on general questions, as there is more traffic there.

Have you exposed the affair to anyone that has influence on your wife?

Is the OM married?

How long has the affair been going on?

Are you working? Are you able to support your son when you go to trade school?

OM is not married, affair has been going on for approximately 3 months including the 6 weeks that Ty and I have been gone, I believe that all are aware but am not sure, was thinking of sending a letter to her parents...
Am currently on unemployment and school will be paid for by the state, God has certainly been carrying us, and have been praying for guidance, strength, and wisdom to help fix all of this if it is His will. She attempted to get custody of him with the PFA but did not show at the hearing after realizing that Ty wanted to be with me and she would be fighting an uphill battle. I love her with all of my heart, as does Ty, please help us!

Jim

JustMe, very sorry to hear about your situation. Not to be ignorant, but what is a PFA?

PROTECTION FROM ABUSE- while worthwhile in protecting abused spouses and children, often used to gain control of money, kids, house, etc... which was the case with me. WW has done this before so I sent Ty packing before she filed ( was dismissed, she didn't show up because there was no basis in fact for filing it )

How do you know OM isn't married? Could be important.

PFA dismissed...why not move back in?

Did you expose her affair to everyone?

Have you read up on Plan A?

Oh, and did you see believer's suggestion to move your post to General Questions II forum for the most traffic?

Like all the questions? Oh, and did you want to save your marriage?

LA

OM is a friend of both of ours, definitely not married. I would love nothing more than to move back in but don't think she'd have it. I would climb the highest mountain AND swim the deepest sea to hold her again. Her folks know, don't care, called OM's mom, doesn't care either, says its his business. WW wants to see Tyler before I start school on July 1 but am a little wary... couldn't find SURVIVING at the library but found Dobson. Plan A help? Can't seem to get thru the fog, as time goes by I fear that my chances are dwindling. HELP!

You are married and have an abode...together. Moving back in isn't about her not having it...she can't legally keep you out...

You can do a search for Plan A here online...great posts by Ark, Pepperband, MelodyLane and others...

Her folks know...siblings? Friends? OM's siblings and friends?

You can read online here about Love Busters (LBs) and elminating them...read about Emotional Needs (ENs) and identify yours and hers...read up on the Love Bank and the Four Rules of Marriage...give yourself a real idea on how your marriage has worked and inspire you how it can work.

Own your fear...don't allow yourself to go into the future past today...

Not your job to get through her fog...it is hers. Yours is to be a reality bearer...inject respect into your relationship, make open and honesty statements using "I feel" and "I believe"; listen and repeat, and stop being reactive....

Act don't react.

Know you are half of the marriage...find your choices and power.

I don't know where you live, but have you searched for the laws in your country or state? Grounds for adultery, alienation of affection law, child support and custody...

Knowledge is part of your power...you're here, and that's a huge step ahead...not too late...

LA

Thanks! WW called to ask Ty to come down to try living with her he said no can do... She was crying, begging him, should I call to console her?

Why do you believe you can console her?

She is experiencing consequences of her actions...are you used to getting in the way of her consequences? Could this be why the PFA wasn't the first time...and many others re-occur in your marriage?

Focus on Ty...he matters...he is innocent and may believe he is causing his mother anguish...

Have you read "Between Parent and Child" yet? Helps with your son and your marriage...and your own life...I promise.

No attack...know that you have been a participant in a manipulative marriage, which has gone both ways, and now it will reach out for your son...great time to teach him to act from his code, not react.

You can do this, JMT

LA

Yes, I suppose that I have. Never looked at it like that, guess in alot of cases it does more harm than good, particularly in this one. I know that she needs to realize the consequenses of her actions. Sometimes WW seems open to working on things, other times won't answer or return calls. Ty does not want to return to home, and I fear that if I return before she wants I'll end up in trouble for nothing.

You're not alone in getting in the way, JMT...many of us did...and my H did for me...then wanted me to own my choices.

Choices have consequences...when we get in the way, we are manipulative, enabling...not kind or true, are we?

You cannot make her realize anything...you can listen and repeat...hand her words respectfully back to her, confirm you heard them, and be open to her clarifying them...and know they only reflect her truth, not THE truth.

Know yours...spend this time reading up on relationships...get Harley's books...do the questionnaires for both of you...understand how to have a respectful marriage, not an enmeshed, manipulative one...

Learn love is a choice, not something we earn...and that marriage is for two whole, complete people who complement one another, not complete each other.

You can do this...own what you feel...you fear...your choice to return home is from fear...that doesn't make it a right or wrong choice...just yours...your choice.

LA

I just don't know what to do or say... Should I keep giving even though I'm not getting? Should I back off or keep leaving kind, loving texts... confused!

Do you believe in giving to get? Hurting back? This would be good to know what your premise is in life...

Would you be giving without getting now...or your marriage back later?

Do you believe you did a Plan A before you moved out? Or did you LB a lot?

Hard to Plan A at this distance...what are her top ENs? What are your LBs?

How high do you value your own honesty? What are your boundaries around you?

These questions will decide what you choose to do...

LA

I don't mind giving, never have, and NO to hurting back. You know what they say about pushing someone away... I don't demand, don't get angry or hurtful. Checked the list of approved schools for the training that I am going to start soon and there is one 3 miles from the WW. I informed her that I will be going there and will be staying at the house- she said we'll have to work a few things out but, " I guess its OK." The course is 6 weeks long. By then I'll have the book and will be able to do an informed plan A instead of guessing how to do one from reading the threads on here. At this point I am the only one that is being honest. Before the split we both LB'd each other to death! I have been and continue to "plow my own field" so to speak... the break has actually been very positive from a self-improvement standpoint although very painful. I appreciate your help and the directness with which you are guiding me!!

LA are you out there? WW wants to see Ty this weekend as we will be in town to pick up one of his friends for a week long stay with us. Told her if OM and all of his belongings were gone we would not only stop by but stay the weekend. She says we'll discuss it... I don't want to back down. Am I being unreasonable? Friday will be 18 years, not that it means much to her...

I have a question for you and your answer will help the posters get a clearer view of the situation so they can help to steer you in the right direction.

In the past when your W filed PFA`s was that because there was some type of physical altercations between the two of you?

I'm here, JMT...sorry I missed your post...bump anytime, 'k?

I think that is a good boundary...whether she complies or not is out of your control (always is)...making the boundary, though, was good.

Going to Daisy's question...you can be honest here...only way to really get help...also, are you at risk for another one, staying the weekend?

How are you doing? How is your son?

LA

Thanks for getting back LA! There were altercations, BUT NOT PHYSICAL! She has manipulated the system to gain control of my son and to hurt me... Just like she got the house. Just got off of the phone w/WW, 18 years today... WW said " Its a shame things didn't end up differently." I asked her to explain... She said its too bad that we couldn't withstand the pressures that we were under for so long and that she left. Ended by stating that things won't be fixed. Without revealing this site I told her that situations even more dire than ours have been resolved and marriages are stronger than ever. Asked me to admit to infidelity early on in relationship/marriage and simply said that we've both made huge mistakes. The brutal honesty is saved for when the rebuilding takes place, right? I said if she wants to talk of D call my attorney, if she wants to talk of rebuilding M call me and we said goodbye. I think she plans to tell Ty about my mistakes to convince him that her A is OK. Now what? Should I try to get together with her to discuss MB practices? Should I talk to Ty about my mistakes?

You're welcome, JMT...

"Its a shame things didn't end up differently." I asked her to explain... She said its too bad that we couldn't withstand the pressures that we were under for so long and that she left. Ended by stating that things won't be fixed. Without revealing this site I told her that situations even more dire than ours have been resolved and marriages are stronger than ever."

Here was an ideal time to practice listen and repeat...because what you did was validate her truth and then argue your own...which tells her that she's wrong...

Rather: "I hear you saying you are sad that you chose to end our marriage because you didn't believe it would withstand the pressure of your affair, is that correct?"

Can you see where you aren't aruging...you're respectfully asking for clarification or confirmation...and there's choice inserted there...which is truth...no arguing, "No, it can be great!" That is your truth, what you believe...and yeah, I'm all for that belief! Listen and repeat injects respect back in...owning you're choosing to save the marriage and you believe 18 years matters, and you're choosing to live in that truth.

Hand back her own words...not combatively...and acknowledge you understand this is what she is saying, believing, feeling.

That's ownership. What is hers remains hers...you don't take it and judge it...you own your own stuff...no room.

Can you see where there was no reality in her statement that "we couldn't withstand the pressures so she left?" That's mixed pronouns for a reason...she does not own her choices, her life...so she does not know her power. Please respect and hand her back what was always hers...that's you acting from your code, not reacting to her beliefs.

I didn't understand the part of her asking you to admit infidelity early on...

Own all of you, JMT...all is in the past...your choices...how can you show respect when you don't own? What we leave for recovery is the FWS owning theirs...you can't make someone own...you can listen and repeat, hand back, and example yourself.

If you withhold your truth, then you are lying, as she has, through omission...if you withhold ownership, then you are caving to blame...not wanting her to justify with any more evidence...which you can't control. Being true to yourself halves the pain of betrayal you are feeling...being truthful to her and respecting her choices are hers...your truth remains yours...is what breaks this 18 years of enmeshment and saves your marriage.

IMO.

Why offer her "if she wants to talk of D, call your attorney?" I believe you were going for "I don't do divorce. I do marriage." However, it doesn't sound totally true...if you are offering her to talk to your attorney...something off there...maybe you making sure she knows you have one? If she wants a divorce, she can get her own attorney, correct? I suspect I'm not getting what you meant. I'll let you clarify, 'k?

What do you want most to give your son in this life? Material stuff? Security? Comfort? Knowledge? Or your self? What do you think you say to Ty?

You can't educate a WW...it's disrespectful even to a FWS...because they are fully capable of educating themselves...stating what you believe, think and feel now, with new knowledge and perspective; listening and repeating; enforcing your boundaries; acting from your standards; educating yourself further (and this is part of the self-care in Plan A)...all that is actions...

Ownership instead of blame...changes everything. Owning and forgiving yourself has to come before forgiving others...seeing your part, your power...can't be all of it, can it? Not finding fault, but truth, as your intent, changes your life. I think you're getting that really well.

What were your LB's...how have you eliminated them fully...and have you been sharing what you learn with Ty?

Breathe...breathe...you're doing great, being yourself...oh, and make paragraphs, please.

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(((JMT)))

LA