LA/SP,

Great school week, bad WW week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Recieved custody papers Tuesday, WW called to say that they are just now arriving from the original filing date in April and she had nothing to do with it. Ofcourse, when I asked if she would withdraw the petition, the answer was no. "You are keeping him from me, I will do what I have to do to see my son." Anything, that is, but allow us both to visit. Also told me that she filed for D which I found to be untrue, although its getting to the point where I don't care what she does anymore.

I'm tired of the hostility, lies, anger, etc... It doesn't affect me as much as it once did, but I am just tired of it. I feel like I'm ******* into the wind trying to stay in contact in the hope that she may change, all I hear is, "We will NEVER be together as a family again, we have seperate lives now and we should continue to live seperate lives."

WW said that we need to stay in contact to coordinate Ty's visits. etc... and that we should be friends. I responded, "I am your husband and will not be reduced to a friend, we will not always have a relationship simply because we have a child if we are divorced."

Don't think I can Plan A anymore guys...I WANT to, but how can I when all of this is going on? Should I act as though this isn't affecting me at all? I believe that her claim of filing for D was intended to upset me and hinder my schooling... what a sweetheart... told Ty she filed as well... either that or she WANTS me to give up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

On a happier note, am doing incredibly well in school... the toughest instructor (a former drill sergeant) says that I am a natural... I have really impressed him and he said that is no small accomplishment!

What to do?

JMT

Custody papers due to legal separation? How do you get custody papers without filing for LS or D?

I'm ignorant...that's me asking for an explanation, not challenging validity.

How you answer those papers matters, doesn't it? I'm sure they tell her side, and then you state your response...and then a hearing, correct?

Okay, so I'm not sure...tell me, please...how this works.

What if you were doing all this while YOU change? Would that be **** in the wind? (I know, not enough letters, but we are thinking Jim Croce lyrics, right?)

She can state her truth, her perspective that you all will never be a family again...and you KNOW your half is to not believe that. Because you're in reality, not an A...you don't know the future...won't ever know...only the present, correct?

I see you choosing to slip into that hopeless state of mind maybe using her words, her stuff, as an aid to get you to stop caring...which smacks of self-deception to me...we choose to love, correct? The more you know that consciously, and choose to act, consciously, the less you can self-deceive...use others' words and actions to react to instead of choosing your own actions...

Well, this was very true for me. Might not for you, JMT.

Did you congratulate yourelf before your instructor did? Are you doing that self-care...admiration, appreciation, acceptance?

How's Ty? Is he going to start school in the town you're in, or after you've finished your school, are you moving back into WW's town and he'll go to school there?

Thank you for continuing to post...please 'splain this stuff to me...'k?

LA

In many states they suggest sorting out custody before the divorce. Been there done that with quite a few I have helped here. (IN) This settles the kids into a routine and if the divorce does or doesn't happen they are at least not dragged through hedges and fought over regardign visitation for months/years. Here if they are 14years or judges interview, persuades him they are mature enough to choose (usually 12) then they get to choose who to be with and when to see them.

Family courts look at the kids life not the parents' convenience.

Linda

When your love is beginning to erode, that is when you plan B. So look at writing the letter and think about when to send it. After the custody hearing might be better for cyustody reasons. The courts don't use MB principles.

Here is my Plan B letter guide ....

10 steps to a plan B letter

1.State that the WS actions with OP are have eroded your loving feelings for them and your number one priority is to protect the loving feelings you have for spouse. In order to do this you must separate yourself from their presence and contact so their actions cease to diminish your love for them.

2.State of intention to stay married to spouse.

3. Acknowledge own shortcomings in creating the marriage rift. (generally but factually)

4. State intention to keep children in original happy "two parent" marriage

5 State intention to work with spouse to rebuild marriage better than it was before, to create a situation for both of you, so happy you will be completely fulfilled in the marriage.

6 State - separation. no personal contact for any reason - names of intermediaries of choice - if children in family - how to hand over children for visit through intermediary - financial - separation unless it is for children's needs. (sometimes you cannot keep them with you and have to pay support).

7. State intention to separate financial accounts if there are no children.

8. State conditions for rebuilding. NC with OP and NC letter to OP. Include job change, moving away, limiting (moderating) FOO contact and changing social circles if one or all of these is the only way to NC. Acknowledge that this will be hard for them and state your willingness to do anything to make this possible and to support them through the changes necessary.

9. No other way to see or talk to you. Do not make exceptions to the boundaries - (common sense - in life or death situations, they, intermediary or doctor would automatically contact you and separation would be put on hold)

10. Reiterate love for spouse and intention to be married to them for the rest of your lives.


Linda

LA/SP,

Talked to WW today and asked if she would rather work this stuff out out of court, replied that she would. Getting her to have the petition withdrawn will show whether or not she means it. Yes LA, that's the way it works. I don't know how to work it out if Ty doesn't want to go down there though...

Don't want to Plan B, but it doesn't seem like Plan A is working... The calmer I am, the madder she gets and searches for things to throw at me. The more I mention the boundaries, the more she digs in and fights back... thus the custody papers... I will do anything, ANYTHING, to reunite our family but if Plan A isn't working what do I do? Should I just agree with everything that she says? Take away the points of contention? Tell her that I would like them to buy me out of the house so that I can purchase my own? Sat down and cried for the first time in a long time today AFTER the phone call... hearing her voice just brings it all back... not the hurt, but the love. It is so hard knowing that how I feel does not matter to her.

Told her that Ty and I would still come down before he starts school and I start new job. WW asked what company I had chosen to drive for, and I said that every time I volunteered information about my life I had come to regret it... (the well-timed custody papers and divorce lie...) so I stopped telling her about my everyday adventures. I suppose I should look at it from the angle that it is the first time since we separated that she has asked about me or what I was doing.

JMT

LA,

Ty is starting 6th grade up here in September. This is our home, Ty says that the only reason he will go to Delaware is to visit. He keeps saying, "Maybe Mommy will come up here..."

JMT

child support and custody law from all over the states


this might help you sort things out. You may already have been there.

Linda

JM,

"WW asked what company I had chosen to drive for, and I said that every time I volunteered information about my life I had come to regret it..."

Truth check. Does this mean, based on her response, you are choosing to not disclose? Or is it based on you no longer sharing a life, a marriage...?

I ask because it sounds tiny, incidental...and I think it's really important. Plan A is not agreeing with, sharing everything...it is you being authentically you, knowing your standards and boundaries...and bringing reality.

Now...tell me about the custody papers...what they mean...because I'm ignorant and I don't want to be, 'k?

And your new job...not the specifics...just the stuff I always ask of you...what you're thinking, feeling and believing...and...

Thank you for sharing that her voice brings back your love...because you believe in that voice...not what it's saying...maybe coming to know the difference...the fog as real...because the voice is your W's voice...and the words and actions are the WW's words and actions...

LA

LA,
Graduated a week early with a 99% GPA, only 3 students in the last 5 years have accomplished this! I am so happy and proud! As a result I now have a week to spend with Ty... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am choosing not to disclose because I do not want her to interfere with my job as she has attempted to do with my schooling. Also, in the event of an eventual divorce, which I will not file for, her attorney will not have to find this out on his own, saving her money.

As far as the custody papers go, MY truth is that she is going to use the Family Court to force Ty to spend time with her although he does not want to. WW told Ty after he said he didn't want to come down, "I will do whatever it takes to get you down here." In a subsequent conversation I told WW that I do not have a problem with her spending time with him, however, because of the temporary injunction in the custody petition preventing his removal from the state once he goes there, he will not, under any circumstances, be going to Delaware. I also told her that there will be a restraining order preventing contact with OM and his child when Ty is there. She is continuing to believe that I am keeping him from her instead of her choices and actions, and she is, "Tired of hearing the same old ****," concerning the subject.

I am so excited about the job! I begin company training on the 14th. This is something I have always dreamed of doing, and while the pay is excellent, I will be sacrificing time at home. Ty and I have discussed this and are planning to install a webcam in the truck and communicate via internet as well as by phone. I will be home 46 out of 52 weekends and could be through the house weekly depending on what is available. My folks, who are retired, will be caring for Ty while I am away.

She is still DEEP in the fog... sometimes she peeks out and we have great conversations, then just as quickly the anger, lies, and obvious loose grip on the reality of the situation that she has created come right back...


JMT

Thank you, JM!

Here's a silly question from me...why doesn't she visit Ty where you are? Supervised? Are you still keeping a journal of invitations, negotiations and conversations?

Congratulations on your accomplishments. I understand about the discretion in not disclosing details...can you take him with you on breaks and vacations?

In your conversations...when she peeks out, Plan A her...when she quickly goes back into the fog, Plan B her...like Orchid says.

Time is on your side, I believe...because OM has to meet all her needs...and offering all the great memories of you guys together, slipped into conversations, won't meet her needs in the present.

LA

LA,

Funny you mentioned that, I invited her to come to Pa. this week so we could spend time together... She was with OM and wants to discuss it tomorrow.

I will take advantage of any opportunity to spend time with Ty... I think you know this... and he is as excited as I am about the job, even considering the sacrifices we will have to make.

That is what I have been doing... when I'm talking to HER I let her know how much she is loved, missed, forgiven, and appreciated. When the WW appears it is a polite gotta go...

They haven't paid a mortgage payment since June 28 and she was obviously angry on the phone today because OM didn't take her to the beach this weekend as planned... I can't imagine her being happy and understand her resentment (I got a less than sincere congratulations from her on graduating early with much success... I have learned not to take these things personally...) that my life is just fine without her, but I so long to hold her, to brush her hair away and touch her cheek to mine, to look in her eyes and have her understand how I feel without having to tell her...
Still hoping...

JMT

Good to know, JMT!

Now, tell me why you know of anything having to do with OM? Make that a boundary. You love talking to your W and will not stay on the line...no gotta go...just click...if he's mentioned in anyway.

Why not?

He's not your family, not part of your life...he's a fantasy. Treat him as such.

And on the forgiven...uhm, want to reconsider that? You are sure you will forgive her when she stops doing that which requires forgiveness...not before, and not before she recommits to the marriage. Silly to forgive too soon...in fact, there's a book about that.

Other than that one part...way to go!!

You're not still hoping...you're still fighting. What, legally, have you done to protect you from having the mortgage on your credit report if she defaults? Isn't there some legal protective thingie to put into place with the mortgage company?

Thank you for posting...I know you will...even from the road.

LA

LA,

A couple of good points, thanks... will heed your advice. Nothing I can do about the mortgage other than sign the house over to her, which is not going to happen. Will post after talking to her today.

Ty and I are going fishing, so grateful to have this week with him.

JMT

Hi,

I have been reading along and think you are doing well.

She cannot have you sign the house over unless she can buy you out and even at zero equity, she will still have to show enough personally earned income for at least two years and a good credit score for that to happen. Don't know the sitch, but BF income doesn't count, neither does room mate or any other thing she may come up with.

So keep us informed - and have a great W/E.

Linda

Hey all!
Have been very busy with the new job, no laptop yet, so no update from the road... Here's the latest...

Made a trip to De.(announced) to find most of my personal belongings destroyed or thrown out, locks changed on the house, and threatened with the police being called upon me voicing my displeasure.

Composed and sent a beautiful Plan B lettter ( thanks for the help SP...)and have had no contact since, even though the phone continues to ring at least once daily. I was once very afraid to go to Plan B, but I was surprised how easy making the decision was once I had reached the point where I felt that it was necessary. Am equally surprised how easily I am finding the strength to stay very, very dark in spite of WW's continued, if not intensified, efforts to continue contact...

Anyhow, thanks for your continued advice and support...


JMT

Thanks for the update, JMT

How's Ty? What does he think of school? What does he think of Plan B? Who did you pick as your intermediary for communication, to funnel contact through, for Ty seeing her?

I support your Plan B...would like to know what you made as the way back to you and your marriage...'cuz inquiring minds gotta know.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Isn't this a house you have an interest in? Like a mortgage or somethinge? Maybe I am wrong. But if so you can do some more plan B things to bring her to the consequences of her actions. You can also take her to small claims court for the cost of your destroyed possessions. It is possible.

I would love to see a copy of the letter, but fear if you post it others may critique it and I know how pointless that is after it is sent, and have seen BSs really distressed by this, after doing their best.

My personal belief is that you do not need to give them a plan or time of a way back, but just tell them it is possible if the behaviour that is killing the love stops. But it may not be possible forever.

That is me - all have their own stamp to put on MB. We are not robots.

Linda

LA/SP,

Thanks for your support. Gave WW a way back with no time frame. She knows that I will not wait forever. Stated that her words/actions were whittling away at what little I had left... WW knows that I am moving forward, and by God's grace I HAVE IN LEAPS AND BOUNDS, with her or without her. I learned alot from others' letters and was well prepared to write a good one...Mom and Dad will be intermediaries.

Ty has seen what I have endured, most of the time with dignity and grace, other times when I was not so strong, with anger or tears. He knows that the lengths that I have gone to were above and beyond what most would, as do all of my friends and supporters. I have no regrets other than not being able to get WW to want to change.

He starts school on the 5th of September and is very excited. Still does not talk to WW, but her attempts to make him feel guilty for NC'ing her are beginning to wear him down in spite of my efforts to explain to him that NONE of this is his fault.

Mortgage is still in my name, will cross that bridge when I get to it. I believe that she knows that the chances are slim to none that she will get the house in the event of the D that she says she is looking forward to filing for.

I am at peace with whatever happens. I am happy. I am strong. I am complete. I have my son's love and respect. I AM BLESSED to have the love of my family and friends. They believe in me. I BELIEVE IN ME! Holding on to my fork...


JMT

All,
Not much to report this week... Several unanswered calls from WW. Very angry... threatening messages, etc...

Custody mediation hearing postponed till October 25, " I will see my son no matter what it takes, I don't care if it is by a court order." WW would rather force Ty to spend time with her on her terms rather than have him willingly do so on his, ( no OM and OM's son ) the degree of selfishness that WW is displaying is quite astonishing.

Ty is really doing well and enjoying school, up early and ready to go... call him every morning and evening from the road.

Till next weekend... God bless all!

JMT

Stick to your guns, it is highly likely that the court will agree with him and tell her that Ty's wishes should be respected. They are usually all about the kids.

Well done on the job, I haven't posted much but read a lot right now.

Linda