Keep those threatening messages for court, 'k?

How are ya now? When are you gonna get that internet access in your truck?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

LA,
Mortgage company called, they are going to forclose unless I help WW by paying $ towards mortgage... WW has left several desperate messages asking for help. Did it once already, won't do it again. I refuse to finance the A even if it hurts me temporarily credit wise... plus not having a stable home environment will not help her at the upcoming custody mediation! Looking at laptops now for the truck...

JMT

I'm wondering about you, JMT. I didn't know what to say to your last post. I believe you're right about financing the affair. I'm sorry for your credit and let myself go into the future and worry about your credit.

How did the custody mediation go? How's work? Have you got the laptop yet?

Thinking of you both,

LA

JMT, I just read your story. I must commend you, you sound like you are doing really well considering. I was concerned she would do something drastic to get custody of ya'lls son. Technically, you can't keep him from her. I don't agree with it, but it's the truth.

Her selfishness astounds me too. Let's see here:

She wants you to pay the mortgage on a house she kicked you out of to move her OM and his son into.

She wants your son to visit her in presence of OM and son when it makes him extremely uncomfortable to think of doing so. She has no clue how much her replacing you and him like that has hurt him, no freaking clue.

She files false reports of you abusing her.

I'm sure there's more I'm missing, like what she's done, or not done to the house and your belongs.

I see you haven't posted in a while. Congrats on your new job, it must be keeping you busy.

I hope and pray all is well in your life and your son's. You guys deserve happiness.

This is important. I notice that you frequently paraphrase what your wife has said, but do so by turning it into an attack. In the example above, she was clearly NOT trying to convey that she feels it is unfair that her affair has divided your family. By deliberately twisting her words, you are alienating her further. Do you see this? If you look back on your posts here, I think you will see that you do this OFTEN.

What do you think she was REALLY trying to convey to you? Perhaps that it hurts her to not see her son? Perhaps that she wants to feel that you are willing to be fair with her?

The way you mis-paraphrase her is definitely unfair and unjust, and unlikely to do anything but hurt and distance her further. If that is your goal, then no need to change it. But if you want to heal whatever it is that has caused her to distance from you in the first place, you will have to start focusing on what she needs that she is not getting from you. Understanding and fairness might be a good place to start.

If I had said, "That will not happen and I will spend time with Ty no matter what it takes. It is not fair that you are keeping him from me," you might have responded something like this:

"Honey, I do understand that you love Ty and need to see him. I promise you that I'll help with that, but it hurts me to think that you might take him from me. Can we arrange for you to see him with me there, too?"

Does it sound too passive? Does it sound like you wouldn't be sticking up for yourself? Because your goal right now needs to be to be there for her, NOT to try to protect yourself, not to try to win.

I am sorry about your WW and what she is doing. The one thing that is very upsetting is that BOTH of you are exposing your CHILD to this mess and if he is still living in the house, he is NOT OLD ENOUGH to handle your grown up problems.

Neither you nor your wife should be asking him to take sides. You have NO RIGHT to take your son so far away that his mother has no access to him. Yes, your WW is being an idiot, but your son needs to have BOTH his parents in his life. Your wife is screwing up big time, but don't make Ty pay the price. If she wants to see him, she should see him even if your son says he doesn't want to go. (Trust me, he wants to see his mom even if he says he doesn't.) It is your job as a good parent to encourage his relationship with his mother because that is what is best for him. Go to www.healthyparent.com for more info on this.

If you try to alienate your son from his mother (by complaining about what she's doing, crying about your situation in front of him, acting like the victim, etc.), you will scar him more than you know. Your son may feel guilty about wanting to see his mother because he knows she hurt you. You need to be the grown up here and show him in both words and actions that you WANT him to have a relationship with his mother. What your WW is doing is not right, but NOBODY has a right to disrupt the parent-child relationship for any reason except in situations of abuse.

This means that you are going to have to be the bigger person. This means you are going to have to set aside your pain and heartache so that you can do what is best for your son. This means that you will have to talk to other GROWNUPS (not your son)about what is going on with your WW. Your job has to be to protect this innocent child from what is happening. Your job is NOT to get Ty to be on your side.

Again, I am not excusing your WW for her horrible behavior. But someone needs to protect your son. I hope it will be you.