How do you treat the OP when they marry your ex and become a step-parent to your children?

H and OW have an OC. They are getting married next month. I HATE OW. So far, I haven't spoken to her since H and I separated.

When I found out about A I asked her two questions: "Are you pregnant?" and " Do you have an STD?" She answered no to both when indeed she was preggars and did have an STD. She lied to H about being on birth control which to me is about as low as you can get.

I don't want to interact with her at all because I can't believe what she says anyway. Is this realistic? Do I act friendly when inside I am seething? Or do I just tell her up front that I don't respect her and don't want to play nicey nice? That doesn't mean flat-out rudeness just avoidance. I have kids and I wouldn't want to do anything to make them uncomfortable. They don't know any of the facts and they like her.

Thanks for any input.

May have to fight this battle myself soon also. I have no answer for this one yet.

My sense right now is if I am in that situation soon, that I will have nothing to do with the Troll. That my wife is their mother and I am their father. He is nothing.

In His arms.

I'm a step-mom (not a home-wrecker, though, I promise! I came along long after their D).

From my experience, this doesn't have to be much of a concern. It's pretty easy to keep contact with the step parent to a bare minimum. The bio-mother in our case is not in the picture anymore, but when she was, even when I handled drop-offs and pick-ups, she and I had almost no contact. I can probably count on one hand all the times that we actually had to speak to each other, and that's been over a 7-year period. My H would handle any arrangements or phone calls, etc., and I never had to deal with any of that.

If you can keep conversations civil between you and your ex, or even an intermediary, if you have to, then you probably won't have to deal with the step-parent much at all.

I am also going to have to face this very soon. My D will be final in a couple of weeks and I know that STBX and OW want to get married.

She already acts like their step-mom anyway. She has pushed herself into every area of their lives. She is in complete control of the relationship with STBX and our kids.

I want nothing to do with her. She destroyed the happiness and security of my children and has never shown the slightest regret or remorse.

I will not deal with her at all - only with STBX if I absolutely have to.

Alph.

starving,

My X married the OW also. There will never be a time that I can see that I am going to have any respect for her as a woman or a step parent BUT the fact remains she IS their step mother.

My children like her. I hated that in the beginning more than I can tell you. My X left the state for six months to live with her and abandon his children and she had no problem with it and in fact stated that she wanted "a year to spend with just the two of them before having to deal with that".

My two oldest know how that relationship started and the consequences of it. They had a lot of guilt about liking her and hid the fact that they had even met her for a long time (at their fathers request <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> DORK).

Anyway, this is how I deal with it...

Whenever possible I deal only with their father about the children (and we only communicate by email).

When the children have asked me how I feel about their step mom and if it's okay if they like her I tell them :

"You both know how much pain we all went through when your dad and Carrie started and continued their affair and because of that no, I don't really like her. It's hard to feel positive about someone who hurt my children and me even it was a long time ago. I don't hate her, but I do not respect her or think she is a good person. I wouldn't want to be a person who does things like have a relationship with someone who is married or hurt others like she did.

That is ME though. I know you have fun with her and I know she treats you well. That means more to me than anything. It makes me feel better to know that you do like her and enjoy the time you have with her and your dad. It doesn't mean she is someone I want you to grow up and be like. There is a difference. She is married to your dad and she IS part of your life. As with everyone in your life though you have to understand what parts you can admire and want to be like and what parts you don't want to be like."

That's the jist. I don't want them to feel guilty for liking her and I am thankful she takes good care of them. I don't have a choice but to accept the lying-cheating-immoral-homewrecker as a part of their lives any more than I can change the fact their father is a lying-cheating-immoral-homewrecker. For the sake of the children I have to promote a positive relationship with him which means a positive relationship with her too. I will continue to emphasize choosing who to look up to and respect though. I never want them to think that because they like her as a step mother that they should blindly follow her example - or anyone elses for that matter.

As for how you deal with her personally, I happened to meet her personally for the first time a few weeks back at my children's daycare. The kids were there and I was dropping off my son who hadn't been feeling great that day. I kept him home with me until about an hour before she usually picks them up for the weekend visit. Well, she was early.

The kids were there (and I had my new baby - I'm remarried) so I was very pleasant while we had to be around each other. I know it made it easier on the children so I'm glad it went well.

Personally, I was glad she seemed much more uncomfortable than I was. The day care provider commented on it too. She couldn't get out of there fast enough <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> There is still that little part of me that enjoyed the heck out of that.

Anyway, I don't know if that helps. I haven't told her how I feel about her one way or the other. I can only assume that she's figured that out. She's not my concern, my children are. I don't much care if she thinks I loathe or love her. All care about is the fact she is good to the kids.

I try to remember that for the sake of the kids I am at least grateful that she IS kind and loving towards them. She may not have cared a whit about them while she was having an affair with their father, but she is good to them now. Not every child has that.

In the end she is also the one who has to live with the consequences of having married a cheater who will only one day do the same to her. THAT is where I have the biggest probem with my children liking her.

The chances of her being a permenant fixture in their lives isn't great. She's very young, has a whole life ahead of her and will one day look at her husband and realize what the heck she married. Then what do my children do? They have to mourn the loss of another family and someone they came to care about.

FIM

Also....

I learned very early on to not talk badly about her (or their father) to them. I'll be honest, such as talking about their relationship as an affair based one or about not respecting someone who makes those choices. I will not talk about her looks, parenting, family, etc. I will not call her bad names.

It only makes the children uncomfortable and causes them to feel guilty and stuck in between.

It will also cause them to feel defensive of the other person and put a barrier between you and your child.

You don't want to make them feel they shouldn't talk to you about her because they fear what you might say.

(same goes with bad talking the father)
FIM

Speaking as a former child of a broken marriage and living with step-parents, you do what is best for your children.

You are hurt and angry and have every right to be, but your focus has to be on what is best for your children.

What is the saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,"?

It is in your childrens best interest to maintain a good relationship with both their father and their step-mother.

To make things unpleasant now might increase the likelyhood of the step-parent taking it out on your children.

I have to tell you, for a child, being a product of divorced parent sucks, but being put into a position of having to NOT be nice to the step-mother because of feeling that your mother deserves your loyalty and expects it, is even worse.

I am so sorry you and your children have to go through this.

I believe you already knew what was the right thing to do, before even asking us. Being the responsible caring adult sometimes is just not easy.

Your reward for doing the right thing will be your children's appreciation and respect that will be given to you for taking the high road.


Sincerely,
k.d.'s heartbeak

Thanks for your helpful responses. I am sorry for all of us who have to deal w/this. I have made it clear to the ex what I think of OW and urge him to slow down. He isn't going to listen.

The kids ask questions and I will take the honest approach as you suggest. One day, OW was walking on my side of the street and I crossed over. I decided that day that I would never again cross over. I can look her straight in the face because she should be the one to feel shame. She doesn't, but as you say, that isn't my problem.

It seems like the A, the OC and the subsequent marriage makes my job as a mom harder...tough to teach morals and ethics when the man they love more than anybody has none.

Good luck to all of us.

I understand your anger towards the other woman. It is such a tough situation.

The truth of the matter is that the other woman never made a vow to you; She did not break her oath to you; She did not owe you anything, YOUR HUSBAND DID! The woman is only in your, your childrens and your exhusbands life because he brought her in. By no stretch of the imagination is she innocent, but you can only imagine the line she was fed about you. It is all your exhusbands fault.

I have to assume, for your childrens sake, that it is best that you don't create a massive conflict with her. I see no reason why you have to chat with her, be cordial, whatever, but you probably, atleast, need to be the bigger person and not make matters worse.

You know what she is. Why stoop to her level? Be the better person and just ignore her. You owe her nothing. She owes you nothing. Deal with your exhusband only. It is all his fault anyway.

Kinger - you are either a troll, an OM ("other man") yourself, or just plain ignorant of what a giant cliche you have just posted.

There is plenty of anger to go around at both the OP ("other person") and the WS ("wayward spouse.) Keep reading on this site.

In the meantime, tell me this - if your spouse deliberately leave the door to your house unlocked and someone walks inside, goes through your stuff, and takes a few of your prized possessions, are you saying you would place the blame entirely on your spouse for carelessly leaving the door unlocked and place no blame at all on the intruder? You would not be angry with the intruder at all and not hold them responsible as well?

Hey, maybe you wouldn't. I'm just asking.

Mulan

Acuallly Mulan you should add the fact that your H
welcomed the intruder in- he didn't just leave a door
unlocked- did he?

I know there is plenty of anger to go around. I have never been the other man; I am not a troll; and I am not plain ignorant.

I am not going to take any offense to your name-calling. As educated people know, name-calling ends any and all intelligent discussion. Your thought process is the most prevalent in our society. Unfortunately, I disagree with it.

Let us examine your example. You speak of someone coming to your house and taking "your" stuff. Is a spouse a possession? I think not! Can a spouse not think for him or herself? You decide the answer to that one.

On a smaller scale, I have never understood why a man would get mad if another man were checking out his girl/wife/whatever. It makes no sense. If you have an attractive girl, why wouldn't every man want her? You should be proud that other men want her. You shouldn't get all mad. If the dudes say something wrong, touch her out of her will, etc. that is different, but you get my point. The fact is, her responsibility is to me...his is not. I don’t even know him. The same is the case in this scenario.


When one places the blame on the other person and not their spouse, they are not only displacing the blame, but are under minding the free will of their mate.

In my mind, it is only logical to hold ones mate accountable for his or her actions, not some stranger.

You are absolutely right...a homewrecker is only a homewrecker because someone who is supposed to love and protect you decides not to bother with that anymore. In fact, this very discussion came up in MC. I blamed H 100% for the A. The MC told me in front of my H. that this was not fair. "But H was the one with responsibilities" I argued.

Truth is OW knew me, knew my children, and pursued H. sexually for months before he decided to have an A. Yes, most of the onus is on H but OW is not blameless.

Like I said before, what bothers me most is that OW is going to have an influence on my children. She is uneducated, bisexual, has had 4 abortions and has an incurable STD. Some of you may be into body art but I am not and she has multiple tattoos. H. used to think she was a joke and now he is engaged to the tramp. She doesn't do drugs however so there is one positive. The other interesting thing is that the XH has gained about 30 lbs since he moved out of the house. Fat and happy?

My ex has gone off the deep end and I have to stand there and watch. At least I decided not to let him pull me down w/him.

He was over here about an hour ago and one of the kids said "I miss you Daddy, why did you have to move?". X mumbled some kind of non-answer and then left w/out saying a word to me. Kids aren't stupid folks. H had a baby and a live-in GF before we had even filed for D.

Thanks again for all your help. I am not going to stoop to her level and when the children ask tough questions, I will be honest but won't make them feel bad about liking OW.

Oh and Kinger, I know what H told OW about me. I have all their emails..he said repeatedly there was nothing wrong w/me but he wasn't sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Gosh, what if he had told me the same thing? How different things could be today.

Yes, it is true the OP in these situations never made any promises to the BS, but really, there are common societal rules that govern acceptable behavior. So, while I believe that the lion’s share of blame is to go to the WS (the one that made vows) there is still some left for the jackals (OP). Even if I leave my car unlocked with the keys in the ignition it doesn’t give anyone the right to steal it.

I think that most people realize that it is ethically wrong to interfere with a marriage by interjecting the scourge of infidelity, especially a marriage that involves children. I think it is the BS’s perfect right to choose to not associate with a person who breaks one of the major taboos of the societal framework.

If it were me, I would treat the OP with complete and total indifference. I wouldn’t give him/her the power to affect my behavior. I wouldn’t actively avoid situations where this person could be present. I would look her in the eye and show no more concern for her as I would for a thief that was suffering from the consequences of thief decisions. I also would tell my children exactly what I feel why I feel this way about the OP. I know if the OP ever laid a had on my children I would be the first to lay hands right back on them . . . black belt and all of that. I would get that in the divorce decree, that the OP does not EVER physically discipline my children. Period.

kinger - what planet are you from?

Using your logic, the driver of the get away car isn't at all responsible for the bank heist.

starving - I too, share the problem of seeing my son interact with the OP after having married my XW. It's sickening and there's nothing legal we can do about it. In my case, OM was a very good former friend - our families lived four houses apart and he was a pallbearer for my deceased son. That he justifies now attempting to "father" to my remaining son defies words to describe it. To say I don't treat him as a friend doesn't have to be stated. I plan to attend his funeral some day and spit on his casket. He's the worst example of a human I've ever known.

Thanks for the vent. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Kinger is stirring the pot. He is trying to study how you will react to his "non-MB group" concepts. It's funny because many on this forum feel ambivalent about the OW anyway, so he's not going to get as much venom as he hopes.

In a way, Kinger is right, of course. The OP didn't take any vows, and even if the OP is a family friend, there's no "contract" involved.

Comfortably numb says that society discourages infidelity. I disagree. Society USED TO discourage infidelity, but no more. Our children and grandchildren are not being taught by their parents, their teachers, their books, or EVEN their churches, to SAY AWAY from married people.

There is no stigma, no scarlet letter anymore. Infidelity is rampant, and our media romanticize these relationships. Churches cover up infidelities, or are the source of them themselves. Very sad testimony.

For my part, I plan to teach my children that it is NOT ok to be unfaithful. Furthermore, it is NOT ok to be the OP. The lesson has to start somewhere.

Back to original topic--the OW becoming the step mom is everyone's nightmare. Be glad the kids like her, but don't trust her as far as you can throw her. She doesn't epitomize the values you hold true, and your children should know that. Dad made a bad choice, if he wanted out of the M, he should have filed for D before he let his sperm out of his pants. The children will have to live with that, so try to make their life as stable and comfortable as possible.

Good luck in this very difficult time. You are being very strong and gracious, and that is the model you want to be for your children.

Baloney.

I can't disagree more with this.

At its core, infidelity is betrayal of trust. It just so happens that betrayal of trust of the highest kind is that associated with marriage. Just because you didn't stand in front of a guy with a robe and profess your "till death do us part" vows doesn't mean betrayal of trust from anyone else - especially trusted friends - doesn't carry weight and shouldn't be expected.

Indeed, especially BECAUSE no "vows" exists between garden variety friends speaks to perhaps even a higher trust. Only our individual integrity and ethics is binding. No "forcing" function. What better definition of trust can there be?

Very sad indeed that such unwritten "contracts" aren't similarly honored. Very sad indeed that friendship can have such hollow meaning.

WAT

WAT-
You missed my point. I say there is no contract (with God or anyone else) if you aren't married, and didn't attend the wedding.

BUT


I think that is totally PATHETIC.


In our current society, the vast majority of folks don't seem to have "individual integrity and ethics" as you put it.


SO


My point is that if even written contracts are no longer considered worth defending, we cannot expect the new generations brought up to turn a blind eye on infidelity to honor unwritten contracts. Sad testimony, I agree.


In my life, I plan to teach my children through example and indoctrination that INFIDELITY is WRONG. Whether you are the WS or the OP, it is WRONG. Wish the rest of the world would get on board, alas, I fear they won't.


And for the record, I don't think Kinger said what he said out of any understanding of the situation. I think he is trying to rock the boat intentionally.


But I have said I hold no real hatred toward the OW in my situation. She is young, ignorant, and probably wasn't taught right from wrong by her parents or her church. She couldn't know better because no one sat down and explained it to her.


The sad fact is that she will likely see a reversal of her fortune when she is my age. If I believe in anything, I believe in Karma. I don't need to hate her--she will grow to hate herself.

Don't mean to bust out the Bible, but as it was brought up in the previous post......there are 2 commandments (for those who believe) that speak directly to the contract with God for those OP.
1. You shall not commit adultery.
2. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife. You shall not set your desire on your neighbor's house or land, his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.

Now the second one nails it on the head. The first leaves a bit for some to negotiate, saying that it the MP that commits the adultery. Not true, adultery is defined as the act of intercourse between a MP and someone else. Therefore the OP is committing the adultery just the same. Therefore, the first commandment I referenced is also broken by the OP invovled in the A.

All of that said, this really has little to do with the original point of the thread. It does speak to the morals and values of both the ex and the Step-mom, not to even get into their (lack of) faith.

Unfortunately, (IMHO) she did have an obligation, as a surpposed friend, maybe not a "contract, legally binding", but an obligation. Can only shake my head that she turned out to be nothing more than a predator and worse an uncontrolable present influence on the children.

As far as the thread question, as hard as it is, when necessary be as pleasant as you can muster the ability to be. Never be even partially dishonest with your kids, but show them you refuse to lower yourself to be nasty. Such a rock and hard place, but you will survive even this.

blessings and prayers, 1yr

As if faith is a good preventer?

Please be careful assigning morals based on faith alone.