I have been married for almost 9 years. My husband has had 2 PA that I am aware of. The first one was 2 years into our marriage and the second was just over 2 years ago. I can't get the trust back. My husb talks several people that he works with of the opposite sex. The conversations happen at all hours. He works the 3rd shift. They last for anywhere between 20m-60m. The calls stopped once I brought them up. He say that nothing is going on, but both affairs started with an EA.

He is gone right now (military) and is expected back tomorrow. I received a telephone call from someone saying that he was caught in this womans room that he had been talking to. I talked to both of them and the womans husband. There is nothing going on and we are pretty sure we know who it is that called me. There is another woman in their workplace that has an infatuation with married men and fixates on them for some reason.

The real problem is not only this. I am pretty sure that I want a divorce. I am going this week to seek IC, husb was told that if things are to work out, we need to seek MC to learn communication and to also work thorugh our issues. I told him before he left that this is what I was headed for. He says things like, we will see what happens (between us). This to me is not a positive statment. I need to know that he is either going to work on things or not. I have everything worked out as far as a place to live and daycare for my 2 children. The only thing lacking is a job, but I will not have a problem getting a job where I move.

I feel like I am being needy and I continue to flip-flop. One minute I want things to work, and the next five, I don't. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of not trusting, of having to look at what he is doing and having to call him out on the carpet. I am tired of him saying that he didn't tell me bcse he wanted to see if I was still checking. He cried when I told him about the divorce, but doesn't act on it more than that. He continues to say that we will talk when he gets home (tomorrow). I am afraid that we will lock-up when it comes time to talk. We have a history of that. He gets angry and I put "spins" on things.

What more info can I give you guys. Can you please offer some words of advice and/or some links? I would really appreciate it. I feel like I am on this rollercoaster and it is SO scary and frustrating.

Welcome - luckily you have found us. It is a great place to be.

YIKES!!! You didn't give us much time to figure out a plan, as he is coming home tomorrow. I guess you can start in Plan A - read all about it here. It is to show him what a great wife you can be. It is all about making changes in yourself.

Later, if he doesn't become the husband you want, there is another plan.

Keep reading and posting here. I promise it will really help you. Either you will have a marriage much better than before, or you will be calm about moving on.

Well, he has only been gone a week <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I have been reading the whole time. I am so on the fence as far as what to do. He keeps saying that we will talk, that we have so much to talk about, so much to work through. I never said/thought it would be easy, but I just want him to say that he wants things to work out, am I being delusional here. Do guys really think that differently than girls?

I will read up on plan a's and try implement it.

I would do some serious reading now. Read all about Plan A.

While you're reading, go to MilitaryOneSource website or go to life skills on base. You guys are entitled to 8 counceling sessions with a Tricare network provider. This is assuming that you want marriage counceling. Then, when those 8 run out, you can go back and get 8 more. Not to mention if you go to your PCM and mention depression, you can get a referral for IC downtown too. And so can he so none of that stuff ends up in his file, if that's how you want to play it. Good luck.

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay, I am at a loss here. I did go to one counseling session so far, and he recommended that we both come. As of right now, I am having a hard time doing a plan a. I am so frustrated. I want to know that things work out. he said that he doesn't love me like he used to. He said that he could call me in a year and say that he made a mistake and want to rekindle things. He feels like I say hurtful things and won't be able to forgive/forget. He says that he is not willing to change at all and that he wont' go to counseling. Of course, then he clarifies that he will go to counseling, but won't say a word.

I dont' want my kids to grow up without a father. We will be living several states over (we are in Alaska and will move to the midwest). He has no family there, so no reason other than kids to come visit.

He says that he doesn't want to be hateful towards me and just wants to amicably do things. I have filled out the dissolution papers most of the way through. I dont' want to fill out the rest. I truly feel that he is disconnected from his family. He is working two jobs and hardly sleeps.

He called his sister yesterday, but didn't hear what he wanted to hear (she told him counseling and working on things, that marriage is a partnership and people need to grow together and have to expect to change, that is normal.)

WHY do I want things to work out?? He is disrespectful (even though he thinks he is kidding, or bcse it is "said with a smile"), he yells at our kids (most likely bcse he is so tired from working), we dont' talk (or very rarely). I know that I will be happier eventually...but I need to try everything for my boys sake.

Can someone please give me something.

Oh, and btw, we didn't talk when he got back (that is what he said we would do.)

Thanks!

I just wanted to add a few things that I forgot. Today was our 9th anniversary, I called him to wish him HA, bcse I would normally do it. He suggested going out as a family and that he would call me later. He never called and I didn't call back. The kids weren't ready when he got home and he assumed we were n't going. I did not know what time he would be home (yesterday was 2:45, today 4...it is either 3 or 4.)

And, how in the heck am I supposed to act tonight. He will be up at 10. Last night I was sitting on the couch watching a show and we talked for a few minutes. Should I not be available?

HereWeGo,

Sorry that you are in this place.

I'm not sure that I can offer a lot of practical advice other than this...

You are here posting and reading so that tells me very loudly that you are not ready to give up. Someone on here gave me the advice that it is ok to divorce, but you have to earn it. You have to know that you did everything possible to improve yourself and your situation first before you divorce. You owe it to yourself, your kids, your vows, your beliefs, your personal growth, and your integrity.

Time is on your side. Don't choose divorce yet. Seek every other option first. Tell him that divorce is not an option... but you will not accept less than the best for you, your relationship, and your children. To threaten and not follow through only weakens the relationship and causes disrespect between you. Divorce is an option for you only as a last result when you are ready to leave... any talk with your spouse beyond that is just a form of manipulation to try and change him. You cannot change him... however, you may be able to influence a change by changing yourself.

Plan A is about becoming the best You that you can be. It is not about manipulating a change in your H. As soon as you can fully recognize that he cannot make you happy and vice versa... and that you cannot force change in him, the easier it is to be happy and make the changes needed in yourself.

Picture it... if you are becoming the healthiest, most attractive, most confident, independent, patient, loving, caring mother and wife, and as outgoing, active, educated person you can be... he will sit up and take notice. He will be working to catch up to you or will lose you. All this, though, must genuinely be for you... not to hold onto him.

Patience.

Shaden

Do what makes YOU happy. Don't play games or try to guess what he wants. If you want to talk... talk. But also don't be upset if he doesn't. You give him control when you become upset over his actions (unless the actions are wrong and abusive). You can't just hide your anger and hurt... you have to change your perspective so that his actions do not hurt you. (I know, easier said than done, but when you can do it, it is so much easier). If you want to be happy... do something that makes you happy. He will wonder what is going on with you. Don't chase him... be your own person. He might move back toward you.

This is not about acting... it is about being real. He can tell the difference.

Shaden

Thanks Shaden for responding.

He came down last night and asked me about getting 2 batteries for our 4-wheelers so we can do a family outing this weekend. (the first that we have planned in, well, ever since having my 2-yr-old.) and I also asked if he wanted me to go and get them for him.We just chit-chatted about where we were going to go and what we going to see. I can't believe that I did a major LB by begging and pleading. I feel so weak. I am going to start working on ME today. I am getting ready to go and run on the treadmill and then will do some stuff around the house that husb has mentioned (shampooing rugs is a big one today for me.)

I did a lot of soul searching and praying last night. I need to calm down and quit being so reactive to things. I want him to feel what I have been feeling, but I need to remember that he is different than me and won't feel the same as me. I need to just let things be. I am 99% sure that there is no one else as of right now, just a lot of hurt and anger from 2 years ago that I am trying to let go of. I am so hoping that we have a chance. His sister said something and that is what I keep repeating to myself...There was something that brought us together and we just have to work at finding it.

I have also come to realize that I have been wanting him to change. He has been trying for the last few months, and I have been sabotaging things. WHY??? He was being good to me, and I was being a b*!&? to him! I am the one with the attitude problem, yes, he cheated, but that doesn't give me free reign to verbally attacking him by bringing up past stuff. I did what I did bcse I was angry and hurt and it just succeeded in pissing him off. The C told me that the more I talk about it, the more it is going to anger me. I need to discuss and move on. We have beaten the horse untl there is no more beating left.

He has asked to go to dinner tonight since the debacle from last night. I am going ot have the kids changed and ready (I may even go and get their hair cuts today), I am going to be ready. And, this is a big things for me, we are going to one of the places that HE wants to go to and has been asking me to go for many months (many!) to at least try it. He feels that I will like it. This is a BIG step for me bcse I am so set in my ways. It is mandarin food and I have tried somehting before and it just didn't appeal to me, but in the name of the game, I am willing to show him that I can be different and am willing to work on things...all without mentioning it to him or asking for validation.

I am hoping that we can get past this and work on us. If anyone has words of advice, please, let me know anything. I am open to so much right now.

Thanks!!!

bumping this up hoping to get more reassurances.

Today was a pretty crappy day. I called husb to see if he wanted to go to eat at 5. He told me that it was too late for him (time wise) and that he needed to get sleep (you know, that whole working 2 jobs thing), so he didn't want to go. He told me to just forget about it. Then he got frustrated when I said that I didn't hear him and told me that the "offer was for yesterday, not tomorrow, three days from now or six days from now". He said, "Nothing has changed between us". I thought I was going to die...that was so hard to hear. I was driving and had to pull over and have a good cry. I needed the cry, my children weren't with me and I needed to let it out. So...I called my friend and talked to her. I know I can't make him want to work things out, but this is just like the prior affair. He is acting the same way (it's over, nothing is changing, I am not changing...everything.) and I KNOW that I would NOT go through that again, not even for my kids.

My youngest was sleeping when husb got home (and it wasn't 4, it was 3!) and all he wanted to know was if the cell phone he ordered came in the mail. He sat behind me in the computer chair (I was on the couch with my ds) and then fell asleep. My oldest went to talk to him after a little bit and then my youngest woke up. At that time, husb was upstairs putting music on his lovely IPOD that I got him for fathers day (after I got nothing!). So, my and youngest started wrestling on the ground and playing. Husb finally came down and just watched us.

So, my mantra for the day is, I can only change myself. All in all, after the cry, it was a pretty good day. Still plan on going 4-wheeling this weekend with him and the boys and then I may come back and take in a movie by myself...who knows!

Here We Go,


Why do you think there is nothing going on?


Getting to recovery is a long climb. The rollercoaster ride is so up and down that it in itself will drive you crazy. One moment you have hope, the next you are ready to run. It's hard to stay focused on a plan.

That is when you need to realize that your plan is only about you. My signature line is what got me through the roughest days.

Belive in yourself, that is where hope is drawn from. Have faith in God... not necessarily that he is going to fix this for you... but that you are worthy and lovable... have faith that you and your family will be alright regardless of what happens. Stand firm in this faith. Stand firm in your belief of yourself. Your H is in a different place than you right now and you cannot put your belief in him. What you can do, though is have patience and continue to love him. This love does not mean you must be a door mat, or it does not mean that he must love you back. Just know that he is making unwise decisions, but in his perception, that is all he can do right now. You need to be patient.

Look at everything as a bigger picture. If you compare today to yesterday or tomorrow, you will go crazy. The roller-coaster ride is way to up and down right now. Look at how it was a month ago or 6 months ago. Look at where you can be in a month or a year. Hold to a plan.

It's good that you have a friend to talk to, but don't let that friend allow you to wallow in self-pity or linger too long on the negative feelings. Post on here. Share your frustrations and anger. Then turn your focus to the good things in your life and centre your thoughts on what a great person you are.

You will get through this.

When I have a little more time, I take a closer look at your specific situation and see if I can get a little more practical advice. Others on here are much better than I at guiding you through a plan.

Take care.

Shaden

Okay, well, it was a miserable day out with the family L. We started out the trip not even talking to each other. I attempted to grab his hand and did get a hold of it, and he said to me “nothing has changed.” This, of course, set me on a very calm LBer L. I told him that he is tearing up our family. That he had TWO affairs and I allowed him to make things right, gave him two chances. He said that I have been flip-flopping for the last 2 years and he is done trying. I have been dx with the PPD, and am getting help for that and wish that he would give it a chance along with MC (I am on meds and also IC). He is not going for it. I told him that our eldest, who is ADHD, would have a really hard time with divorce, new school after starting 1st grade, and a new state. He said that we have waited long enough and it is time to move on with our lives. We had a horrible time while 4-wheeling, he yelled at my oldest ds for getting stuck, not even thinking that it wasn’t his fault. The trail that we were on was “groomed” by full-size 4-wheelers, his is a little 90cc, so he doesn’t have the clearance that ours do. And of course, after not being able to reverse for the SECOND time, he FINALLY came and showed me how to do it (vs. doing it himself.) Keep in mind, this is my first time and I didn’t get a lesson on how to run the machine…ugh! So, on the way home, it was somber. I wasn’t crying. Before we went 4-wheeling, I basically told him that I am not giving up the fight, but I am not going to sit there and beg him. He is free to go if that is what he wants.

When we got home, a friend of mine called so I was talking to her. I went to another room so I could discuss things with her about what was going on. When I got back he says to me, “Who was that?” I started to respond and he says, “I guess it doesn’t matter now.” I just went downstairs to be by myself. I figured if I was being ignored, then might as well be happy. While there, another local friend called me and wanted to take me out for my b-day, so I went up to find out if he had any plans. He said, “Why, do you have something to do?”, I told him yes and started the kids dinner. Finished that and while changing ds2 diaper, he came down and asked me where I was going and when I would be home. I told him out to dinner and not sure what time. I ended coming home at around 9:30. I didn’t really have anything to do, was going to go and see a movie, but not sure of the time it was on. So….got home and he had ds2 on his lap sleeping, I went upstairs and got ready for bed. He came up a little bit after that and lay down to go to sleep. I put my book down and he started tossing and turning. He ended up sleeping near the middle of the bed, with him facing me and his hand hovering near mine.

We woke up on Sunday to some more of my friends calling me from my home state. They are great and trying to keep me upbeat. I was talking with them and he came in to listen. After I got off, he asked me, “Were you and your boyfriend going at it so hard last night you knocked the garage door opener off your visor?”. Who says things like this? I told him that I wasn’t even going to dignify that with a response. He left for about an hour, did not tell where he was going or when he would be back. No cell phone usage or bank usage. When he got back, he continued to ignore me. Later on in the night, around the kids bedtime, he came up to me while I was at the computer and was being “grabby” with me. I told him that, to borrow his words, “nothing has changed.”. I feel like a doormat. If he feels that he can use me like that, he is sorely mistaken. Last night was the same, he was over on the edge of his bed, but flipped and flopped until he was in the middle facing me.

This morning he text msg me saying “good morning”, and then tells me via text that he needs new ear phones for his ipod bcse his are uncomfortable (this was his fathers day present) and then NOTHING for the rest of the day. He gets home and asks me where the dissolution papers are so he can finish them. I told him that I would need to get them and would do it later. I have since retrieved them and will finish filling them out. He came down a little bit ago, when he should have been sleeping, and I was looking at apartments in the new state. He just sat behind me. I think that he may be depressed based on the lack of not having any “happiness” in his life. He is being stubborn and obstinate. Any time I try to be nice, I get “nothing has changed” from him. It is so annoying. So….how does one Plan A with those types of attitudes? He is set on filling out this paperwork to get it filed. I think things may be getting to him as evidenced by his lack of sleep, he has been up since 2am last night, comes home at 4 and is in bed by 6 until the alarm goes off at 10. He is also not really interacting with us as a family. Me the the kids sat together to eat dnner, and he went in the other room. We were laughing and joking with each other and he just kept looking over at us.

Shaden,

I talked with both her and her husband, so hopefully, if there is something going on, then the husband is aware of it and keeping an eye on her.

Need some Advice...

sorry to hear that your weekend wasn't great. The rollercoaster ride is bad enough normally, but when you expect the train to go up and it plunges back down... that makes it even worse.

From what you are describing, it doesn't sound like it needs to be over.

I am not an expert, but some of the actions remind of "games", or bad habits I used to play. The tossing and turning at bed, and then ending up with his hand close to yours. I did this all the time. I was afraid of rejection, shy, maybe some low self-esteem. I would go half way and hope that she would go the rest. It was a useless waste of time and showed weakness on my part. I have since changed this behavior... I guess you can't get any bigger rejection than your S having an A... so it doesn't scare me any more.

IMO, your H doing this is him reaching out but afraid to go the full way. This is behavior that should be changed and you might want to talk to him about it, but it sounds like he is still struggling with himself and still wants to be with you. The other reason, sometimes, when I acted like that was I was trying to be the strong one... if she wants me, she can move the rest of the way... I didn't want to always be the one making the effort. Again, not the best way to do things, but it shows me there is still hope.

Shaden

Telling you that "nothing has changed", but still sleeping beside you. Not eating in the room with you, but staying close to watch. Wanting to know what you are doing or who you are talking to... all signs that he is still wanting in. Maybe he wants to be the victim or be chased. Maybe there is a lot of fear there. Definitely some work has to be done and you need to decide if you are wanting to stay through it... But, it still sounds like he hasn't "checked out".

Shaden

Well, for two days in a row, he has called the OW that he "was caught in a room with" first thing in the morning. They talk for about 10-20 minutes. I just don't know. I will be back later to write more.

okay, day three of him calling this OW. Actually today they texted about 15 times and then talked for about a half hour. I called him on it. I told him that I understand that nothing has changed, but it is very disheartening to see that. He said, "Babe, can you understand that I am just talking to her. I am not interested in her, I just need another person to talk to." I asked him if they were discussing us and said that bits and pieces. That she isn't saying one way or the other for him to do something, but putting a different view on things. The only saving grace to me is that her dh rides to work with her and works in the same building, so if they are talking, it is in front of him. So, I may end up with egg on my face, but I actually believe him.

Anyway, back to yesterday. He walked in yesterday and asked me if the paperwork was done. I have finished the financials, just have to put it on the dissolution papesrs. He was upset with me yesterday bcse I would get to claim the kids on my taxes and called me several times for that and nothing after that. He went upstairs and then came back down and smiled at me, put his arms around me, his nose to my nose, and asked if he could have some alone time with me tonight before he heads back to work. He said that nothing has changed between us. I did go up there and wake him up.

I am still fighting for my family, I don't want this and will do whatever I can to prevent it. I am going to continue to see my IC and continue to work on me. I am making this a happy home for my kids. I think that dh is seeing this based on what Shaden has said and will continue my Plan A. IF anyone has anything to add, please do it. I feel like I am floundering here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

Thanks!

bump for some advice from the vets...

Herewego...

stop all the chaos...

STOP the love busters right now
STOP the reacting to the 'nothings changed' BS
and most importantly
STOP the mixed messages...

people who WANT a divorce fill out dissolution papers...
people who dont' WANT a divorce DON'T fill out such paper work...

YOU are sending multiple multiple mixed messages....

WHEN you decide to go in to plan A you pick a time period in which to do so....

8-12 weeks....
and then you focus for those weeks..
with a plan at the end to go to PLAN B....

IN plan A....

you do for your spouse and let go of ANY expectations...

any that they will work on things
any that they will reciprocate any of your attentions
any that they will acknowledge half if any of them..

you clearly state YOUR desire for this marriage to work..
you clearly state your desire to be for him and him for you two people who turn to one another...

STOP having friends call in front of him to discuss your two problems...

STOP bringing up the past affairs at THIS point right now there is no point to it..he's not even close to an area of dealing with or addressing them...and they create nice distractions to the issues at hand...and feel very very comfortable for you and him...

have and do you need STD testing..
do SO

make food he likes
invite in to the circle of the family and welcome him when he comes to the table etc...
be charming
and pleasant to be around...

if all he is getting from you is moodiness and sabotage he will do as most humans do and retreat....

you can't plan A and write divorce papers..the message is too jumbled..

ARK