Filed for D from WH last week.

I don't want to spend the $$ to get him a Father's Day gift. He's turned our kids lives upside down with his infidelity. He could care less about them. He doesn't deserve my spit.

Oldest child doesn't want to get him a thing. Youngest really doesn't understand the whole situation.

I got a Mother's Day gift from the kids. (He paid for it)

What do I do?

And if I get him something, what? Have to make sure it's only for him or he'll use it with the OW, like a gift certificate etc.

catgirl, i'm in the same pickle. My two oldest won't even talk to H because he turned our lives upside down. Youngest, 12, a girl, will talk to him, but reluctantly. So what do we do. Put on a big to do and invite him over, give him World's Greatest Dad tee shirt?

I really don't know what they expect.

Cat & RL,
Yall are in a difficult situation. I feel for you. I WOULD HAVE suggested forking out a little dough to still get him something meaningful from the children; and do it for the children’s sake. But if they are at a point where they have total resentment towards him; I am just thinking get those kids into IC ASAP. Even if the father doesn’t deserve the love of the children; it is by no means the children’s fault. It doesn’t seem fair for any children to burden that psychological load.

I filed for D several days before Mother’s day & WW’s B-day. I still got one item from her wish list for each of our children for each day to give to her. I did not get her anything for either day. I let them wrap the presents and be able to fully know that they got to give their mother something.

In my case, my WW has not done anything to the children for them to resent her… yet. And I hope she will be able to control herself and keep it that way. Because I have learned how important it is for a child to have a mother and a father in their life. Even if they split, I wish most couples would do a better job of being there individually for their children; and not making a contest out of one-upping the other parent. But I guess one can expect co-parenting to be difficult, especially if marriage was already so difficult.

Sorry, but in short, I don’t have a f-day gift suggestion for your individual cases.
--d2m3b.

I'm not going to take sides on either side of this. Everyone has reasons for talking or not talking to their parents. If by turning the kids lives upside down we're talking about his "recent behavior", then we're also talking about previous "years" of loving, caring fatherhood (or motherhood).

If, your case was like mine, where your father was abusive physically and emotionally and your mother enabled it, sure, don't talk to them much. There are threads on here about whether having an affair alters ones ability to parent. In some cases, it certainly does. Just make sure that if your kids aren't talking to their father it's because it's a choice they made and they're not living your emotions.

I would say this also depends on if their father is still trying to be involved in their lives.

I do want to point out one very big issue, though. If you're still trying to Plan A or Plan B or salvage the marriage at all and you don't get him a Father's Day gift, I guarantee you he'll think, "Sheesh, she didn't even take my kids to get me a Father's Day gift, what's the point in trying or going back." I promise you, it will illicit a negative response.

That is, of course, he's an absolute uncaring SoB and really wouldn't care one way or the other if he got anything.

If you want to get him something he can't use with OW, try this. Go to the microsoft website and download PhotoStory3. It's free and incredibly user friendly. Then start scanning in some family photos and make a musical montage of happy times in your family set to a sentimental piece of music. Let him watch that with OW. Ha!

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't know how old your children are, but have them make him something. Any holiday, including Father's Day is not about what you get, it is about love. I do not think you should feel obligated to buy a gift from your kids just because your WH bought something for you for Mother's Day.

IF your children say they want to get their father something then I would take them to a store and give each of them some money...NOT a lot...and have them pick something out. Doesn't matter what it is as long as THEY are the ones picking something for THEIR father. Could be a card, his favorite candy, a shirt, anything as long as they pick it out.

Best of luck with this decision!

I agree with lost.

Mothers day and fathers day are not about the H and W it is about the children.

This year two days before mothers day and over two and a half years after the first D Day my FWW was finally honest with me. She admitted a lot of things that were devastating and have really made me reconsider wanting to be married to her.

During one of our cooling off periods during that discussion I went out got her a mothers day card from the boys and gift certificates to the nail salon and starbucks. Because that was my plan before we started our discussion.

Quite frankly I don't have words to describe how I felt about her that day but I wasn't going to let that effect my children.

Your children should be kept out of the middle of this as much as possible.

Another thing to note is usually kids have a closer emotional bond with their mothers.

I believe that the children might be picking up on your negative vibe towards your husband. Not to say you are wrong at all so please don't read anything more into that statment. If they have a closer bond with you they may feel like they are going to be forced into picking sides and they are already doing so.

Get him a gift from the kids. Even if it is small or homemade.

I know I am a bigger person for getting my FWW those things even though I was just smacked in the head by her again.

Thats what makes me me. No matter how mad I am at her she is still the mother of my children.

Thanks. I think I will get him something small from the kids.

You are right, he is still their father, but it is SO hard to not bad mouth him.

Counselor told me definitely not, ever, speak bad about him. In time the kids will see on their own. I really hate him now for doing this to our family and it takes all my strenght not to tell the kids what kind of person he is. Oldest knows, youngest thinks he's great.

I'm tired of pretending that Dad is great, whan he's destroyed our family.

It is hard not to bad mouth him but it is necessary.

No matter what he has done to you he is their father.

He may not be great, he may have destoryed your family but he is still their father.

I am glad you are doing what is right for your kids.

Have some sense of peace knowing you are a good person for doing this.

Doing whats right even though you hate doing it is what makes a good person a good person.