Ok, I've posted here many times and have received a lot of very good advice. Now I want to share the turning point I've recently gone through and what it toook to get there.

I've been divorced now since the end of March. Long story short: I came home after being deployed for 2 months, found out that my wife had been kidnapped by aliens, had her brain scrambled, and no longer was the woman I knew when I left. I found out a week later that she cheated on me while I was gone in a one night encounter with a guy from a web blog.

I've not been the same since. I went through all the typical things a BS goes through. I didn't follow the 180 and haven't been able to since, despite my WS wanting me to. I have spied, begged, pleaded, etc. She finally decided to divorce and so here I am. I'm now out of the AF, up until recenlty unemployed, no longer a daily part of my kids lives, and divorced on top of it all. I lost my job, my family, my wife and moved in the middle of it all.

Since our divorce my WS has claimed to keep faith. She has said there is hope for the future for us to reconcile, etc. I've been hanging in there as much as possible, but it has been horribly painful. I was walking through the local mall with my kids and saw my ex walking around with another guy. Of course, this stung. She looked good, he looked like a bum and I thought to myself, "if this is what I'm up against, I have nothing to worry about." Up to this point, my ex has not gone out with me, sat down for a coffee, or done anything remotely friendly, yet she has gone out with losers she meets from the internet blog site she's on. I'm the father of her three kids, and was a good husband to her, yet she would rather spend time with these guys who will turn tail and run when the reality of being with a woman with 3 kids hits them.

I spent the rest of the afternoon with my kids and happened to see my ex heading out to the parking lot with her date. I got curious and followed from a distance. I saw her go into the parking lot and saw this guy hanging all over her. I then saw him kiss her as she sat in her car. This, of course, was very upsetting. I called her and asked her how her "date" went. She said, "It wasn't a date, he's just a friend." To which I responded, "Sure didn't look like it at the end." The cat was out of the bag and I started getting upset. I knew I was going to have a hard time maintaining my composure and asked my ex to take the kids early. I told my daughter it was time to go and she started crying because I had promised to take her to the indoor playground at the mall. I felt bad about this and went into the parking lot to tell my ex to not take the kids because my daughter was so upset. She stopped crying as we walked out to my ex's car, but she started crying again when she saw my ex and I arguing. We weren't yelling at each other or anything like that, but it was a terse conversation. I strapped the kids into the car and saw my daughters's confused, sad face look at me and she very sadly said, "I miss you, daddy."

This broke my heart and melted me. I bawled my eyes out as I drove home. I didn't stop spinning down after this point. Depression overwhelmed me and I would cry every time I thought of my daughter saying those words to me. I felt I had disappointed her. Felt she was going to spend the rest of her days going back and forth between parents, never happy with the way things were. I didn't want to put her and the boys through it and sick logic started taking over. I say sick, because I know it isn't rational thinking.

In my mind, if I was gone, my daughter wouldn't have to face this kind of pain again. I wouldnt hurt her again because of my inability to control my emotions. I spiralled deeper and deeper and started acting on a plan in my head. I started cleaning my room so that my roomates wouldn't have a mess to clean up after I was gone. I took out the bottle of pills I was going to use. I started writing goodbye messages and basically preparing for the end.

The rational part of my brain told me to stop! It told me that doing this would mean vicotry for her. She would have the kids all to herself and God knows what kind of man she would bring into my kids lives. I had to be the man that set the example, treated my daughter like a princess and would be an example to my boys. I knew I was in trouble and I called the hotline. They recommended I go to an emergency room. My roomates found out I was in bad shape from my ex father in law and they came in to check on me. I continued to cry uncontrollably. I asked my roomate to take me to the hospital.

I checked into the emergency room. My blood pressure was 205/105. I was a wreck but started to calm down some. At about 0230, my ex came in to see me. She had nothing but coldness in her eyes. No look of caring, a complete absence of emotion in her face.

I told her all the things I felt. Things I had said before and asked her why she would do the things she's done. Where was the woman I was once married to? She gave me her usual responses that she'd been giving me this whole time. She told me this guy was simply a friend that asked her to kiss him now that she was single, so she did. I asked if this is the same guy who has a girlfriend, she said yes. I asked if this is the same guy who has a girlfriend on myspace that dedicates her whole page to him. She said yes.

She left at that point and I continued crying. The nurse came in to check on me and asked me if she could do anything for me. I simply grabbed her hand and kept crying. I was literally writhing in pain as the tears came out. It hit me, though. Hit me at that moment that the woman I married and once knew would never have kissed a man that she knew had a girlfriend. This thought calmed me and brought me back down.

The staff told me I was going to be moved to Walter Reed hospital and would be picked up in the morning. I couldn't sleep, despite being exhausted, and just lay there. The ambulance came and drove me down to Walter Reed. I spent the next six days in the psych ward, but it ended up being the turning point I've been needing. The things I went through in there opened my eyes to a lot.

In the six days I was there, my ex never once called to see how I was doing, despite her claims that she cared about me. I was called by family and friends every day. I also saw clearly some things about our relationship and her actions the last few months.

One of the staff members gave me a book called "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl and it was one of the most powerful books I have ever read. I recommend it to anyone on this site. It struck me so much that I got a highlighter and started digging into it. I read from it as if it were a bible, sharing it's message to anyone who would listen. It really helped to turn me around. He survived the WW2 concentration camps and went on to write one of the biggest theories in psychology in the last century. I can't praise it enough.

While I was there I received a giftbag made for veterans in the hospital during memorial day. I opened it up and found some nice things like coffee mugs, memory cards, and things of the sort. There was a book of crossword puzzles, which she really enjoys. I set aside the book to give it to her when I left the hospital. I put it into storage and forgot about it.

When I went to check out, I got my things out of storage and found the book. I looked at it and thought to myself, "Why the ****** would I do that?!" I then threw it away. I felt liberated.

I came away from the experience with the realization that the most important thing in my life is my kids and I must live my life to the fullest for them. Nothing else matters. I must concentrate on being the best father possible.

I came out of the hospital feeling like my ex could drop of the face of the Earth and I wouldn't care.

2 weeks later, however, I feel different. No, I no longer love her, but I would certainly try again for my kids. I loved her once and know I could love her again if she tried as hard as I want to try. I would only do it for my kids and to give them a good home to grow up in.

I will share my experience in the hospital in greater detail later, but I do feel very different now and feel very much like I've turned a corner. I would still like to reconcile some day with my WS, but have come to accept that it may never happen. She's very deep into the fog and shows no signs of emerging from it.

The 180 is what I very much need to implement and follow. She responds to it when I have done it in the past, but I haven't had the strength to follow it through. I'm going to try very hard, but it isn't in an attempt to get her back.

I start working in early July and will have my own place to live in very soon. I believe that will be the beginning of getting back into a state that will make me attractive to my ex again. She has done some things, though, that have really pushed me to consult a lawyer. I don't plan on bringing the world down on her, but it is getting close to that because of some of her actions. I sold my stocks after our divorce so that she could use the money to pay off all our credit cards. She has instead kept the money to herself and not used it for that purpose, despite it being clearly stated in our divorce agreement. She's also started threatening me with access to the kids. I've been able to save these threats on messenger and will show them to the lawyer when I see him next week.

I hate that it is coming to this. I really want for her to wake up and restore our family again, but it just looks hopeless right now. I'm doing my best to move on with my life, but I still very much miss my children as a daily part of it. I'm afraid to fight for shared custody because men normally get the short end of the stick in custody battles. She has been good about letting me see the kids, but I haven't had them over to sleep and very much miss reading to them, bathing them, and putting them to sleep.

So there is my experince. Please share your thoughts and opinions.

You seem to be a very devoted Dad, your children are fortunate to have you in their corner. Unfortunately, not everything is working the way you would like, but with your new lease on life I get the feeling that you can turn this around.

Absolutely live your life for you and your children. I don't know enough about the law in your area but after you've been working and established a "home" for the kids perhaps it would be a better idea to have a legal custody situation. At this point she may begin to manipulate the custody situation if she isn't getting what she wants from you.

Work on being the best father and person you are capable of being and with luck she may realize what a prize she has lost. You seem to be on a very good path, continue...

Glad you are doing well. It seems like you are looking at things differently now.

There are worse things than losing the love of your life. One of them is losing yourself.

Hey Papaof3

I am really greatful you called that hotline. You did a good thing!

I will reply more to your post tomorrow, we have visitors arriving soon.

Just one thing before I go.

I know you want to be the worlds best dad ( if you already arnt). Just try not to forget about being your own best friend right now. Look after yourself too. You deserve it.

Max

Hi "Papa",

My thoughts on your experience is thank God for turning points.

And thank you very much for sharing the title of that book with us. I am very much interested in reading it.

You are very good at writing, you know. So many good writers on this board. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Papaof3

You know, somethings are still yelling out in your post.

and they are still a concern for me, its why I came back tonight.

You reached out for help and you recieved that help when you needed it most. Thats a beautiful thing.

Papa, looking over your post, you seem ( correct me if I am wrong)to still want to make an impossible situation right?

Some situations we can't change, what we try to do is deal with them.

How are you dealing with them right now?

Max

thank you for sharing your story

your share might help someone else out in cyber-space

you never know !

Pep

My six days in the hospital:

Well, I said I'd come back and would share what my experiences in the hospital were like.

I got there early on Saturday morning after I had spent the night in the emergency room. I was completely dazed the whole time because I had been given an ambien to help me get to sleep and still had a hard time getting to sleep even with the ambien.

All I really remember from that first day is sleeping. I checked in with the doctors. I told them about how I felt and what led me to the hospital. The staff was very polite and helpful. They realized I was past my crisis point, but were extremely supportive and helpful.

I slept for most of the first day and was woken up by my roomate for the nightly group meeting where all the staff is brought in with the patients. I felt like I was in a movie. There were some patients that stared off into space and looked extremely depressed. There was one woman who had a serious psychiatric problem where she seemed to just wander aimlessly, drool, and go from crying to laughing in moments. The rest of the patients looked very depressed.

I have to admit that I was a bit judgemental the first night. My first impressions were that I was the only "normal" person there and that I didn't belong there anymore now that I was past my crisis.

The meeting started and it felt like it was a third grade exercise in student government. Everyone went around and stated their name, how they felt at that moment, and then state how they were able to accomplish their goal for the day. The ones that really stood out to me was a patient who started apologizing to all the patients for failing them and that this was his third trip into the ward. He continued to say he was sorry and that he failed everyone when the staff finally stopped him and told him he didn't need to apologize anymore. They got to me in the meeting and I didn't have anything to say since I didn't have goals for the day and had just arrived that day.

They ended the meeting by electing "officers" for future meetings. There was a president, VP, secretary, and sergeant at arms. I was volunteered to be the sergeant at arms. I felt the whole things was silly and beneath me, but this was my initial impression. My feelings would change as the days went on.

I was awakened Sunday and attended the morning group meeting. When the time for me came to state my goal for the day and how I was feeling. I stated that I was feeling cynical and that my goal for the day was to sleep through it. The staff challenged me and told me that sleeping through the day was not a good theraputic goal. I felt above all of these silly meetings and simply stated that the more I slept, the less I was there. This logic was a carry over of a typical copying mechanism that soldiers and airmen often use while deployed. I was prepared to do the same.

This was a holiday weekend so I was going to be stuck there regardless of my feelings about being there. There was nothing to do because it was a weekend and there were no group activities planned. I killed time by reading Calvin and Hobbes and watching TV. I wandered the hallways in boredom and was feeling desperate to leave.

A large group of patients was admitted that morning. An older woman and 5 soldiers that had been flown in from Germany after being in Iraq. One of those guys ended up becoming a source of many belly laughs over the next few days. Among the new patients was a woman in her late 40s early 50s. She sat down in front of me during lunch and we introduced ourselves to each other. I had found a kindred spirit. She was a formal artillery officer and a great source of support. She was the first person I had run into there that I felt I could actually talk to and she really helped me see some things over the next few days that would help me move on. She and I were joined at the hip from that moment on and we simply joked about our situation and the location we were in. A lot of the humor stemmed from being in a psych ward and making fun of our situation, but it really helped to cope with the humbling nature of the experience.

Monday came and I killed time by talking to my new found friend. We shared many intimate details of what led us to hospitalize ourselves. We were the only ones there that were there by our own free will. She is an attorney who works with soldiers that suffer from post traumatic stress. This triggered her own past demons. She had been sexually assulted by another officer in the Army and did not receive any support from her chain of command. They finally believed her when another incident occured, but things were very bad for her at that point. She was given a medical discharge from the Army and has been receiving her earned retirement since.

She gave me many words which still echo in my mind. She told me to take a good hard look at my situation and think about where I was at that moment. As I sat there reminicing about my ex WS, crying over here, she made me see the fact that I was sitting in a psychiatric ward, in my pajamas, with every move I made monitored while she sat at her house, with our kids, enjoying a barbeque and the beautiful weather, probably not even thinking about me. That really struck me.

I could go on and on about the things I saw there. The guy who constantly apologized and was very suicidal blew my mind. I found out he was actually extremely intelligent. I heard someone mention that he wanted to write a book. I ran into him in the hallway and asked him what the title to his book was. He responded, "Plato, not Prozac". This lit a bulb in my head that let me see that I was very wrongly judgemental. I really felt bad for him because his depression stemmed from this belief that it was his mission in life to solve the worlds problems and he was failing at doing so.

I struggled through the days to quit thinking about my ex. It was extremely difficult to do, but I found that talking about my situation and hearing other's opinions really helped. I also concentrated on hearing the stories of the other patients and found my situation to be light compared to theirs. Many of the patients were soldiers suffering from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I heard some really heart wrenching stories from some of these guys about their experiences in Iraq.

People do nice things for hosptalized soldiers and we benefitted from several donations. I received a bag of donated goodies and started looking through it while talking to my friend. There were calling cards, coffee mugs, momentos and other little things. One of the items was a book of crossword puzzles. I pulled it out and showed it to my friend, Tamara, that I had been talking to about all the things I was feeling. I told her, "(WS) loves crossword puzzles." She looked at me and said, "Stop it! Quit doing this to yourself!" I put the book back into the bag and put it into storage. I planned on giving it to my ex when I left the hospital.

I can't remember the exact day this occured but I was given a book by one of the staff members called, "Man's Search for Meaning" which I have sung its praises since. It really changed my outlook on things and I absorbed myself reading it.

I quit being judgemental and started opening my eyes to the people around me. The last group meeting for the weekend was interesting. Two of the soldiers there were seething with anger at having to be there in the hospital. Their anger was radiating. I read a passage to the group from my book and was hoping to reach some of these guys with the wisdom in there. The one phrase in the book that made me grab a highlighter simply stated, "An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal." This echoed through my head because of the craziness of infidelity and its aftermath. It is not normal for me to deal with a wife that was unfaithful. I did not normally spy on my wife or get jealous. Normally I would never worry about where she was and what she was doing. I would leave my house and have peace in my heart.

It also made me think of the soldiers there suffering from PTSD. It isn't normal to have to clean up the remains of your buddy and wipe out the inside of the vehicle he was in when he was blown up by an IED. It isn't normal to have to make a split second decision on wether or not to keep the gas in after getting ambushed and run over anyone that may get in the way because if you stop it could get everyone in your convoy killed. Feeling abnormal after these experiences is normal and my heart went out to these guys.

The days went on and I spent a lot of time talking. The one experience that served as a turning point for me was an "Outing" to the Air and Space Museum. Before heading out, the staff asked us if anyone was affected by loud noises. Several of the guys admitted that things such as "dropping books" or loud bangs would really affect them. The staff shared with us how bowling was no longer an activity since the balls banging into the pins was enough to make some of the patients react by diving under tables. I was very surprised by this.

The Air and Space Museum was a great experience. I was a kid in a candy store. I was a pilot in the Air Force and I'm a historian, so I really enjoyed sharing my experiences and knowledge with the rest of the patients since I was acting as our tour guide. It was a great distraction from my pain, but as soon as we were in the bus I started feeling depressed again.

We got back to the hospital and I used our lunch break to go check my e-mail. I broke my own rule and went to look at my WS's web blog. I saw messages that were written to her by other guys and saw that she was writing other guys cute, flirtacious messages. This only served to send me into another spiral.

I came back to the ward and felt an urgent need to talk to a counselor. I wanted to ask for help with stopping my thoughts. I wanted tools to help me with this. I wandered into the courtyard outside and simply let the tears flow. I realized that I was simply grieving and I needed to let myself do so. The guy who constantly apologizes came up to me to try and comfort me. I knew that this wasn't good for him since he feels the need to solve your problems. He started apologizing to me and saying it was all his fault. I composed myself as quickly as possible and started acting cheerful towards him. I distracted him as best I could. I brought him back inside and went back outside to punish myself some more. I cried for being weak in front of the enlisted guys. I told myslef that I should be the example as an officer, the source of strength for them. I felt weak.

I finally got the chance to talk to the counselor and simply let the tears run. She let me see that I was grieving and that it was ok. We shared stories since she knew what I was going through after she had been divorced 7 years ago. What's funny is that I shared MB with her. I also shared it with the friend that I had made since she admitted to me that she was having an affair with a married man. I printed out the BS survival guide for her which really opened her eyes to his lies. Of course, I had my own perspective on it.

I've written enough for now and have merely scratched the surface of my experience. I came away from the week there with a new commitment to gear my life to being a good father for my kids and nothing else. That was the biggest realization I came to.

I knew I had made a big turn when I threw away the crossword book instead of giving it to my ex. I also knew this when I went to a movie rental store and saw the movie on the shelf that my ex went to "see" when she went on her one nighter with this guy. It used to trigger anger in me, but it had no affect on me on this day. This has been very liberating.

Well, I'm just putting my thoughts down. I'm more than happy to read other's thoughts on this stuff. Anyone else experience anything like this?

Papa -

I spent 4 days in a psych ward about 15 years ago. Mine was an involuntary commitment. I had bad panic attacks, and called a help-line. They called the police, and I was put in the hospital.

Actually it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It completely changed my view of things.

Hope you will use your experience the rest of your life.

I have now been out of the hospital for a month. I've been doing as well as can be expected. I find myself grieving over the loss of my family, not over my ex. I have the hardest time with the kids. I miss having them in my daily life.

I have come to see that my divorce agreement was very much created in a way that favored my ex. I also feel I should have given my ex a traditional, contested divorce and not just laid down like I did. Now I find myself having to hire lawyers to come up with a custody agreement that is fair.

My ex won't let me take my children to my father's wedding (getting remarried) and she was against taking my kids to California to visit my family there. I have asked her what is going to happen on the holidays and she won't give me an answer, saying it's too far in the futre.

She says that as long as there is mutual respect between us that I can see the kids often and go to her house often to help put the kids to bed and bathe them.

Problem is that she wants more money for child support. I told her I would give her the amount that the state mandates I pay, but she says I'm money hungry for not giving her more and that I should want her to do well for the kids.

Personally, I find her behavior very irresponsible. She's posted pictures of herself on "hot or not" and her website screams of the insecurity of a woman that was sexually abused as a child. She obviously doesn't feel well about herself unless she has men constantly writing her about how "sexy" she is. I worry about the mess she'll bring into my kids lives and I wish I had custody of them.

I've started keeping a log of her behavior. She leaves the kids with the nanny very often so she can go out clubbing or on dates. She's fine when she's with the kids, but that's the thing, she's rarely with the kids. She works all week, comes home at 6PM. Kids are in bed at 730 and 830 respectively. Fridays she leaves them with her parents to go clubbing, and Sunday she'll leave them with the nanny to go on dates.

I'm on the side dying to have my children. I could care less about a social life and am used to being a very active father. I read to my daughter every night before she went to sleep and helped in every way with my kids. I am going to file for a modification of custody after talking to a lawyer first.

I have had a very interesting development recently. I have an exGF that recently discovered that her husband has been cheating on her. She's been unhappy for a very long time with him and suspeted this was happening.

I contacted her and many of my exes after my divorce just to see where they were in their lives. I'm very good friends with the single ones, and the married ones have responded with support, but the contact has been very limited.

This ex, however, started contacting me a lot. I challenged her about how happy she was in her marriage and she admitted to not being too happy. I encouraged her to go to MB and to seriously talk with her husband. I also told her I didn't want to disrespect her marriage because she and I had a past history together. I chose my WW over her, which I now consider a terrible mistake 7 years later.

I have decided to keep my distance and to tell her to seek advice on MB while she deals with this crisis. She told me she is going to divorce him and is preparing herself financially and legally to do so. She hasn't confronted him yet.

I'll admit that I see an opportunity here to right a past wrong, but know that I have too much turmoil in my life right now and so does she. I will wait for her to resolve her marriage issues and cutoff my contact if she decides to reconcile.

We'll see what happens. There is much drama here.

-emphasis mine

Papa...

I don't think that you have any idea of what dangerous territory you are on...You MUST back completely away from this situation...

Because of your involvement, she may not make the decision to reconcile...She needs to be able to make that decision without the input of a past love-too much entanglement there...

Papa, you won't make a good advisor/counselor for her because you cannot be completely objective...

Mrs. W

True.

However, her mind is already made up and she's done that all on her own. I'm hanging back and seeing how it will play out, but I don't expect her to forgive him. She's been unhappy for too long.

I'm also practical. I live in MD to be near my 3 kids, she has a 2 year old that I'm sure will be involved in a custody dispute. I know that I won't leave my kids and I'm sure that she won't easily walk away when the kids dad is around here.

Hard to say. I'm just going to hang back and observe.

Too much dust to settle for her and for me. I have my own custody fight coming up.