I need some clarification on withdrawal and snooping. My h told me about his affair seventeen days ago. He promised not to have any contact with the ow and to continue counseling. He had said he hadn't had any contact with her but this morning I found, by accident, that he had a secret e-mail account and they had been e-mailing a couple of times. He said he thought she needed an explanation about what was going on since she sent him a nasty note. I didn't get angry but that all I had asked for was the truth. I thanked him for telling it to me.He is only home to decide if he wants her or our marriage. I've been trying plan A. He has always liked to take rides in his car when he has been upset or needs to think. Of course he is doing that now. This really bothers me. I don't feel I can trust him but what choice do I have? He said he wants to see her to explain what is happening. After all, she has feelings too.I know if he sees her we have to start at the beginning with withdrawal but what about that e-mail?

Hi Noel,<P>It's my opinion that even if he just emails her, he will go back a few steps in his withdrawal recovery, maybe even a bunch of steps, depending on what they say to each other (maybe all the way to the beginning!). I talk from experience here. I just barely held back from emailing my OW earlier today. (whew)<P>I don't really have that much advice for you except that I think you are doing the right thing by not love-busting, even though this must be killing you inside. Just try to stress in as calm a manner as possible that you require truth. I think you have alot of reason not to trust him right now, but you have to give him time. Hopefully he'll understand that he can't have contact with the OW and must suffer through the withdrawal so that he can really make an informed choice. If he still contacts the OW, the choice will always be in her favor.<P>In the meantime, don't give him any reasons to run to her... <P>--airheart

Noel,<BR>It has been 8 wks since my h told me about his affair with one of my friends. 8 LONG weeks! He says he has not had any contact with her, but if he had the pull back to her would only have been stronger. This is not easy for anyone involved. I know that he still thinks of her quite often and that just about kills me. However, he has been much more affectionate to me lately. Keep going to counseling. My h won't go The book says to stop all snooping. I'm just now to that point and it is tough. Encourage h not to have contact with ow to break it off. Send her a letter that you have read. Hang in there. Time does help.