Our divorce agreement called for the selling of my stocks to pay off our credit card debt. I sold the stocks and stupidly believed her when she told me that she would to give her the money and she would pay the cards when the bills came to her. She never did and I had the companies calling me just a month ago. I'm tempted to take her to court for contempt, but am in a bind because she can use the kids as a weapon.

We have no formal custody agreement. I foolishly gave her physical custody of the kids and don't have a laid out plan for visitation. She has been very generous up to this point, but the flaws in this are starting to show. She won't let me take my kids to visit my family in California. My family has never seen my twin boys and they haven't seen my daughter since she was one month old. She won't let me take my daughter to my father's wedding, either and offers no real justification.

I am greatly concerned about her behavior. There's nothing illegal going on, but I really believe I'm the better parent. We had a nanny for 3 of the last 4 years of our marriage because I was a pilot that was gone often and I wanted her to have help. The nanny became the primary caretaker and still is. It really bothers me that my ex leaves the kids with the nanny to go out clubbing and on dates. She'll leave the kids 2 of the 3 nights with the nanny or her parents so she can go out. I would rather they be with me. I'd be happy to have my children all the time and not have a social life.

When we were married I would come hom from work and tell the nanny to take a break and that I would watch the kids. I watched them most of the time when the nanny didn't. I would play with them, change them, and feed them myself. My ex would either go shopping or would be in bed "sick".

She admitted to me after we divorced that she had been sexually abused by a family member when she was 11. Her behavior is very indicative of this. She bailed on a marriage that was by all measures good. She put herself on the internet and goes out with many, many men. Looking at her site shows how insecure she is. She poses for her webcam and has put herself on "hot or not". She doesn't bring any of these men around her kids....yet. Says she won't unless she decides to get serious with someone. I don't think it will be easy for her to bring a an into this drama or that it will be easy to find one that is so willing to jump into a family with 3 kids all under 4.

I really worry about the kind of trash she'll bring into our children's lives and I want to get primary custody. I don't need a nanny to watch the kids, I have a 8AM - 4PM job, and I don't care about a social life. I really think reality will crash down hard on her when the nanny's visa expires in December. She'll then find herself as a single mom of 3, having to get them ready all by herself and stuck at home on weekends because the babysitting service is gone.

I think this is when she'll wake up to what she has thrown away, but I'm no longer sure I want her back. She cheated on me and really took advantage of my emotional state after returning from the war to get a very favorable divorce agreement.

I'm now awake to all that I surrendered and the fact that she was pretty much lying to me about "having hope" and "keep the faith" that we would be together again.

She want more money for child support, which I'm basically giving her more than she earns at work right now. I don't feel I should have to pay for a live in nanny, but am happy to pay for day care.

I'm consulting a lawyer because I want to get a formal visitation agreement, but really feel I should fight for primary custody. Her lifestyle choices right now tell me that she doesn't put the kids first and I worry about the type of men she'll bring into the kids lives.

Any thoughts out there on getting custody for fathers? I have read books on the subject and am keeping a log of every time she leaves the kids with someone else to go clubbing or on date. I'm also building a portfolio of my personality, awards, and pictures of myself with my kids.

I just want to hear from any dads that have custody or from anyone that has gone back to try and get custody later.

Well, my x tried to when my daughter was 14. However, after consulting with an attorney and a minister, he decided not to. He would have had to prove there was a substantial change detrimental to the children and that I was not an appropriate mother.

This was done because our d said she wanted to go live w/ her dad. I knew that it wouldn't be a good plan. I knew there was stuff going on but I didn't know what. I knew she was running away from something and I was right.

Before it was all over, it turned out I was right. It turned out that she began to see dad for who he is/was. And she changed her mind. She told her stepmother and the stepmother told her dad who told me while we were in a family counseling session.

I tell you all of this because you may end up being told that you will have to prove abuse or neglect and it WILL be ugly.

If you can afford it, I say go for it.

If she has a full time nanny and isn't caring for your children anyway, whats the harm in trying?

In any case it would be wise to consult a lawyer about her contempt of court of not paying the bills she agreed to pay per the court documents. That alone shows irresponsiblity on her part.

I don't have a clue what the hot or not website thing is, but if her pictures are out of line, you might look into using that as an example for the courts as to her behaviors.

Well, I can file for a change in custody agreement on several grounds.

1) I was transitioning out of the military when I signed the divorce agreement. I was moving to a place where I didn't have a place of my own or someplace for the kids to sleep. This is why I gave up physical custody. I now have a place of my own and places for them to sleep.

2) She admitted her sexual abuse to me AFTER our divorce. Once she did this, I saw where a lot of the problems in our marriage stemmed from. Her depression, anxiety attacks, histerionics, distrust of others, etc. I don't know who in her family caused this abuse and I feel I should know. I've had mental health professionals that tell me she sounds like someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder.

3) She's moving to a permanent residence now and so am I. The kids haven't had stability since our divorce and our move from Kansas, to West Virginia, to Maryland.

4) I'm very concerned with her behavior. She is going out with a bunch of guys from the internet. I'm worried about what she could possibly expose our kids to and I believe her website speaks for itself.

5) She's a fine mother when she takes the time to be with the kids, but that's the thing, she leaves the care of the kids to the nanny for the most part. Leaves the kids with either her parents or the nanny and goes clubbing or on dates. I could care less what she does, but I'd rather she leave them with me. I found out I can get a legal agreement for her to do this.

Anyone else deal with this stuff?

It is unlikely that you will gain primary custody, especially considering your recent visit to the psych ward. It sounds to me from your posts that she is in a much better situation to have primary custody of the children. Her social life really doesn't have much bearing on the situation.

What you can and should gain however, is a parenting schedule that guarantees you time with your children. You should also be able to travel with your children to see their grandparents. This is basic stuff that is worth fighting for.

I voluntarily admitted myself there. She doesn't have the rosiest psych history herself. She has a looooong history of depression, anxiety attacks, phantom illnesses, etc. My situation was not typical at all and pretty much the result of her actions.

I have been the better parent over the years. I took the time to take good care of them in addition to work. She stayed home with them, but left the care to the nanny while she went shopping or to "run errands". Stuff that could have waited. I always came home to find the house a mess and the kids in the care of the nanny. I stepped in at that point to take over their care and feed and bathe them and put them to bed. I did this every single day. My priority is them, not my social life. She can't say the same.

The situations are the same. She's moving to this area, so am I. We will live minutes from each other.

The social life thing is an issue. She leaves the kids with others all the time so she can go out and do whatever. I have a big issue with that. I'd rather stay home and do nothing but have them with me than leave them with sitters to go party and clubbing. This, plus her not honoring our agreement, does carry weight in court. I'm 33, mature and responsible. She's 26 going on 13 and acting that way.

According to you previous posts, you voluntarily checked yourself into the hospital emergency room at the suggestion of a suicide hotline attendant. It was there that they determined that you would be transferred to a psych hospital.


This doesn't sound like you had a choice. You were suicidal.


I am not harping on this issue to disarm you but rather to arm you for your court battle. This will most likely be brought before the judge. Be prepared to address it.

She's moving to this area, so am I. We will live minutes from each other.

You could request parenting rights in lieu of babysitters. I believe it's called right of first refusal. She would have to check to see if you are available first, before arranging for an outside babysitter. You then have the option to accept or decline.

Living just a few minutes apart makes this arrangement all the easier to accommodate.

Regarding the credit card issue, it sounds like you are both in contempt for not paying off the credit cards. Unless the divorce decree specifically ordered ONE of you to pay them off, you are BOTH responsible.

Being a father of 2 girls and in a +2 year divorce, my understanding is that it will be difficult for you to get primary custody of the children.

However, joint legal and residential custody and shared parenting would be more likely. Your WW is not abusive or harmful to your children. Even though she may neglect them, she arranges to leave them in the nanny's care, who is a trusted person.

You might be able to tip the scales in your favor if you live in the same school district as she. Then both of you can have equal residential custody.

I forgot the exact wording, but there is a custody term similar to "right of first preference" which means that you would be the first choice to care for the children if she had to leave them with someone. There can be many stipulations to this though. In my case, my ex-wife has the right of first preference except when a close relative, such as my brother or parents, or another familiar and trusted individual is available for short periods of time. I don't recall the exact wording because it isn't final yet. Of course, my ex-wife hates my family, so she wanted them stricken from the clause. However, the underlying assumption is that neither parent would leave the children with someone untrusted.

In the interim, get some kind of visitation order. Continue collecting photographs and videos. Assemble a photo album with the best photographs of the children with you from birth to now. Don't include too many photos, 50 should be enough. Create a DVD with video clips and make the scenes easily indexable. These may be useful later. They were very useful during my custody evaluation because my ex-wife portrayed me as a work-a-holic, un-involved father, who was never at home, and she asked that I be allowed 1 supervised visit per month. There was no abuse in our family, and we weren't dysfunctional in any way, so everyone had a good laugh when she said this. I think even violent criminals get more visitation than this.

Lastly, observe your children closely as your WW might turn them against you. Then you will be dealing with parental alienation syndrome, which is what was identified during my custody evaluation. If so, then your uphill battle will become even more difficult because your children won't want to be with you.

good luck....

Thanks for the advice. I've been gathering as much info as possible and have been keeping a log on how many times I get the kids. I know she wouldn't be able to use this stuff against me. I'm going to ask my family to send me all the videos I have sent out to them and put them on a DVD so my ex can't use that either.

I have many pics of myself and the kids. Videos as well. I was the one that put them together, added special effects, etc.

I'm going to start taking pics of myself and the kids at my place. She's letting me see them often which is good. I have a feeling she might let me see them just about every single weekend.

I don't think she'll try to turn the kids against me. I would be surprised if she did.

She is blaming me, however, for my daughter having nightmares and wetting the bed. She woke up screaming the other night saying she had a bad dream and had to pray so that she wouldn't have any more bad dreams. My ex says this is my fault because I planted it in her head that she has to pray in order to not have bad dreams.

This all stems from the fact that I had heard she was having trouble sleeping and bad dreams. I was putting her to bed one night and I told her that we would pray that she had nice dreams. Since I prayed with her every single night when she was living with me, this wouldn't have been a big deal. Now my ex has taken the praying every night out of her routine. Because I prayed one night that she would have nice dreams, my ex says that I have "brainwashed" her into believing she needs to do this or she won't have nice dreams.

I just found out that she doesn't pray with her when she puts her to bed, which is something she has done for well over a year. I don't know if she's doing this to rebel against me or what. I think it is bad to break the routine the child has been used to simply because your ex used to do it.

I don't expect to get primary custody, but I would like 50/50 or at least a very liberal visitation schedule. I'm going to give her a chance now that she lives nearby to see if she will let me see the kids often. I would like to have them over for dinner two or three times a week, or at least see them. I am ok with not having overnights during the week so that the kids sleep in one place and don't get confused about where they're going to sleep.

It's an ongoing saga. I really wish my ex would pull her head out and stop this madness. We had a great family and I treated her well. She is very much in the fog.

I do know that she will likely give me the kids a lot so she can go out. This will only serve to work in my favor.

I'll continue to keep the log.

I met a consultant who advises parents in heavily contested custody cases.

He said the most common thing he's heard from his clients is, "I don't think he/she (ex-spouse) would do that." Then a few weeks later, his clients ate their own words.

Keep in mind that a factor in the child support calculations is the number of overnights they have with you. In NJ, the magic percentage is about 28%. Fewer overnights than that, and child support takes a big jump up. So don't settle for 3 dinners per week. Get 3 overnights per week, read to them, tuck them in bed, wake them, dress them, and make breakfast for them. Post-settlement changes are difficult, so get your overnights now.

The initial transition between 2 households is rough but becomes much easier when you have enough clothes, toys, etc. for them. Then they just come to your place, jump onto the sofa and feel at home.