My dilemma is that I live on small island in the Caribbean. I found out that my husband has been cheating on me with a girl who was recently introduced to our close knit social circle. He says that he doesn't know if he wants to make the marriage work, that he can't leave her and that's she's irrelevant. He told me that the passion is dead and he can't ever see it coming back, but at the same time that I am his best friend, he loves me etc etc. I have known for just over a week and by yesterday we had got as far as divorce planning and a settlement. Following sage advice, I put the brakes on this. I asked him to move out because I need time and space to think. I love him very deeply and do not want to give up on the marriage, but he also hurt me deeply when we suffered an appalling hurricane two years ago and he turned into a stranger almost overnight. I suffered a leg injury and he was less that supportive - going out and getting drunk the night I came out of hospital etc. It seems to me that he thinks like an individual and I think like a couple and that fundamentally he doesn't like being married. He likes to go out late night drinking and basically behave like a bachelor with all the comforts of marriage (which now he says he doesnt' want). I know - alarm bells. To cut it short, given we live in such a small community and all the advice on this site talks to waiting months and years for the person to come back. I just don't know how this will work. He is a charismatic man, who used to be kind, thoughtful and great fun. He is now disinterested in me and our marriage. He thinks that you should want to rip each other clothes off every night. How can I deal with that fantasy world? We've been together for five years and married for 3. Trying for a baby at his insistence for 6 months. Please help. Am I delusional that he'll ever want to come back and more importantly understand that a marriage isn't always easy but with a bit of effort can continue to be a beautiful thing?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I would stop trying for a baby while you are working this out. It sounds like your husband wasn't that great of a husband before the affair.

When they are in an affair, it is wiser not to believe anything they say. It IS about the other girl.

I suggest you do a solid Plan A for 3 months, and see what happens. Please take precautions against sexually transmitted diseases.

How old are you? If you are both very young and no children, I would think carefully about whether to continue. His track record so far is not very good. What would make him change?

Hey, I don't know if you still visit here, but our situations are quite similar. I too live in a small community, so I can understand how particularly difficult situations like this can be (for example, establishing "no contact" is near impossible unless you migrate to another country). And it doesn't help when the society in general is not very supportive of marriages built on love, trust and commitment (here, almost 80% of the children are born out of wedlock).

Anyway, if you want to talk, I'm here.

I'd suggest stop trying to get pregnant, if you haven't stopped already. Introducing a baby into your M at a time like this would probably not be a wise move at all.

Are you still part of that "close-knit social circle"? Do they know about the A? If so, are they supportive of it, or passive about it?

Hi Lily4. It has been a while since you came out here. I hope you are still checking in and that you are well.

For more support and ideads and advice there is more traffic at "Infidelity->General Questions II" area. You may want to move your post there.

I want to comment on a few things I read from your post.


This is talk that WS's do to justify them deciding to be with someone outside of your M. If they feel that they aren't in love anymore then it kind of gives them the ok to be with soemone else, espcially if someone is available and showing interest in them.

The Harley's believe and I agree that in a M when an A takes place that needs aren't being met. The A on the part of one the partners is usually an indicator.


Maybe there have been personal feelings that he has had about your marriage that he hasn't been open and honest with you about. So when the hurricane hit he acted on what he felt. Both of you will need to share how you honestly feel about your M in order to go forward. It will be much more difficult without open and honest communication for your M to recover. It seems that now is the time to really seek out what is going on with him and also seek to address why the A happened or the problems that might've existed in the M in the first place.


So sorry to hear this. I can imagine it was very painful to have gone through this alone. I hope you are doing better now.


It makes a M much more difficult when a partner acta seperate and inconsiderate of the other. Dr harley addresses ways of acting that encourage both parties to consider the other. However it will take a lot of work for him to learn to act this way. Also you'll want to review the info if you havne't already so that you can evaluate any behaviors of your own that contribute to acting inconsiderately or seperate.

Keep the faith and be patient. First, you may want to look into what you can do to help improve you. Talk to your H about working on your M. See if he is willing and even if he is not you can still make efforts to work on yourself. Perhaps you can find out what emotional needs he has and let him know you are happy to meet them but the affair has to stop.

I feel for you that your H has decided to go after another woman. You aren't alone. There are many people, myself included facing the same issue of infidelity. Try not to beat yourself up about it. While maybe there was something he needed from your M that he sought for elsewhere it isn't your fault or blame to take that he decided to be with another woman instead of seeking for it from you. So try to focus on the areas that you have control of. Let him know you want a M that is you and him and no third party.

Wishing you the best.