RL:

How do YOU feel about YOUR HUSBAND...not your WH..YOUR HUSBAND..as a PERSON?

Do you want to RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE?

I'm asking about YOUR OWN FEELINGS and PERCEPTIONS.

If you feel in your heart and soul that you love him, then demonstrate this to him..regardless of what he does for you. It's not about whether this is the RIGHT or WRONG thing to do. It's about HOW YOU FEEL and whether or not YOU LOVE HIM and want to be with him. It's about being HONEST with YOURSELF first.

When I began with PLAN A onward to RECOVERY, I was able to withstand my commitment to evidencing my love for my H and my commitment to working on our marriage. It was about MY COMMITMENT regardless of what he said or did. He was a SICK man for up to 6 months. I was able to accept that and expected that. Do you see what I am saying?

Your thoughts seem to be on what you want from HIM..what you want HIM to do and to say...

AND..what about the NC letter? How are you so sure that there is NC between him and the OW?

Part of YOUR OWN RECOVERY PLAN should be openness to FORGIVENESS...FOCUSING on the PRESENT with him..and not the PAST...giving work on HEALING YOURSELF and your MARRIAGE priority over everything else in your life right now..RECOVERY IS HARD..you need to build up your personal resources to withstand this...you can't rely on your H to help you with this YET..

Hey friend I was wondering about you!!

I am still Plan Aing. My WS has had NC for a little over a week now.

Yes same here regarding affection. Not much unless we are.................

I have been able to hold back all relationship talks which is VERY hard to do but I guess it is helping him make up his own mind.

At least your WS is home.
You know I am also only 3 months past D day so all I can do is say what is working for me so far.

Hang in there!!
Blind

You should have my emails if you want to vent!!

Mimi, you're right. I just need to be strong enough for this. I'm trying, but sometimes my weaknesses creep in. I just so desire for things to be right with us. But I know he is still in withdrawal, and it kills me to think that he's still mooning over her, in his head, anyway.

I would love to ask for a NC letter, but I know it would create waves right now. My guess is, he would say it's not needed, that I already have his word.

If he were still seeing OW, I don't think he would have moved from his apt. and back home again two weeks ago. At that time, the door was open for him to pursue her, if he wanted. But he came home. I check his phone, still. No calls. I check his email. Nothing. He goes to work, comes home. I just don't see how he would be seeing her still. But I've been dumb before, during the A.

Okay, I'm going to dig up my strength and do what you say. I'm going to try.

I have a question ... does "withdrawal" basically mean that they're still in love with the other woman?

That is my take on it.
Blind

Blind,

Hi, sorry I haven't written on email. Too much going on ...

I'm glad to hear things are slowly progressing for you. NC is good. Seems like we're pretty much in the same boat right now. I hope we can withstand the storm ahead.

Hang tight ...

I figured as much.
Just keep in mind I am thinking about you!!

Same to you , Hang tight!!!!
Blind

My new thread was written with you in mind.

If the answer to this question is "YES", what is the meaning of that for YOU? What will YOU do differently today? What will YOU do for yourself and YOUR RELATIONSHIP with YOUR HUSBAND?

Getting back to the question, I take "withdrawal" to mean that he is withdrawing from the the HIGH that the A gave him..withdrawal from the FEELING that SHE gave him...not necessarily withdrawal from HER. He is missing and craving the FEELING.

What can you do to HELP him with this? That is the question that I used to ask myself....

However, I am concerned though that you cannot be sure that there is NC. That is the value of the NC Letter and it is definitely OK for you to insist for that to be written. IMO, it is a measure of his sincerity. You might want to hold back on this for awhile though since you may have been doing a lot of lovebusting lately.

Mimi, I get it, the feeling is what he's missing, not necessarily the OW.

So, what DO I do differently? Nothing? Just try and see it for what it is? Should it make me feel like shi**, cause that IS what if feels like ... because if he is still in love with her, he's not with me. Then I think, what the heck am I even doing here? I should just let him go and pursue her, if that's what would make him happy.

In answer to your earlier question, yes I do love him and want to be with him, my husband, not my FWH.

I think you're right about NC letter, too. A little later, not now since I HAVE been doing a lot of LB's.

What do you value about YOURSELF?

What is LOVABLE about YOU?

Is this determined by how your H feels about you?

What makes YOU personally FEEL GOOD about YOURSELF?

Why did your H marry you?

Are you willing to accept and believe that the OW is better than you in anyway?

I can't remember ever feeling that she was better than me.

Wipe that thought from your mind.

Don't put yourself on that gutter level.

She is under the influence of EVIL until she repents of the sins and desires your forgiveness for the wrongs that she has done.

RISE UP, RL!! YOU ARE A CAPTIVATING WOMAN..not defined by how your H has treated you!!!

Get to work and FIGHT those negative thoughts.

Don't allow the OW and the ugliness of infidelity to ALLOW you to waste one minute of this day feeling like SH....T...
They are the ones who have lived in it....

Your assignment for today...

Cheering yourself up...

ACT AS IF...GET INTO ACTION...

Tell yourself..I will not let this make me FEEL LIKE SH...T...

Find some cheery music..play it LOUD in your house..and in your CAR...SING..DANCE...

Have your H asking himself..what is wrong with this woman?..what is she so happy about?...let it be infectious..

Fix your favorite meal..fix his favorite meal..bake some cookies..bake a cake...

Work out and listen to that music some more...this is my favorite thing..listening to the music when I work out..not the exercising <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

SIT WITH HIM..JUST SIT WITH HIM..BE HIS SHOULDER BUDDY..EXPERIENCE THE ESSENCE OF HIM..Say to yourself: "My H is here with me and THAT IS GOOD....Smell him..taste him...love on him..take his hand and hold it....Do this for yourself and he will enjoy it....

PLAY..PLAY..PLAY...

Get you some funny DVDS and LAUGH..LAUGH..LAUGH...

Last but not least..I forgot about all the GODDESSY stuff..

Were you here when I was going through my GODDESS phase...

I remain a GODDESS but...ANYWAYS...

What makes YOU FEEL SEXY..like A REAL WOMAN????

VS underwear..a pedicure...all kinds of shower gel...candles...lip gloss..a new haircut...new cologne..all kinds of smelly lotion...WHATEVER...

I still wear my pink SHADES...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, mimi. This is such an inspiration. I will work on these things, STARTING TODAY !!!

I read a bunch of Bob Pure's threads yesterday. It was sad and depressing.

I've been trying to do what Mimi and other said, concentrate on myself. Got a cut and color the other day. H didn't even notice. I went to my writing class, got a lot of encouragement there. That makes me feel good about myself, like, hey, there IS something I can do well.

I'm also journaling, which is painful, but cathartic.

I have a counseling session tomorrow.

I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, although this withdrawal thing is still KILLING me. But I'm doing good with no LB's. As much as I want to, I avoid R talk. He loves it, he can just do what he wants, it seems, and not have to pay the price, not have to answer to anyone. It seems so darned unfair to me.

I guess I'm still left wondering here, if anything is going to change? And if it does, when and how? What's going to happen--he's just going to wake up one day and think, gee, I really don't love OW, I love my wife. I mean, how does it work? I'm just impatient, I guess.

And here's another thing: a couple of years ago I really did try and find me. That's when I started up writing classes. I immersed myself. I tried not to pursue my husband, but just leave him be because I had pursued for so long and to no avail. But, when I did that, what was my pay? An affair. I guess that's why I'm so apprehensive about concentrating on myself, again. Last time I did it, I got burned ...

WOW! My feelings exactly! I keep thinking of how I withdrew into my own little world (as the WW has said many times in the last few years and it is the TRUTH) and focused on my own happiness, wants and desires it makes me very apprehensive to try it again. It is exactly that which contributed to the WW's need to "find herself" because I wasn't there in the first place. There is a middle ground here somewhere, I just don't know where it is and I realize I MUST find it or risk moving forward with the D.

Help, Mimi, LA,and others ...

I'm feeling this intense need to love bust, i.e. "talk" to my H. Relationship talk, of course. He went to IC yesterday, and didn't mention a word of it when he came home last night. I just can't stand the silence, the acting as though nothing is going on.

I'm really trying to concentrate on myself, but these inner needs to be somehow comforted by him just won't go away.

why am I so dense about this???

U R NOT dense. Your mind and heart are not in sync and you are reaching the angry stage.

You can't push yourself t/b in sync but you can know about it and work towards it. When you reach that plateau, it will help a lot. You will be able to deal with the WS in the proper perspective and you will realize what a weeny he is. You will learn to laugh instead of being frustrated and hurt.

Reverse babble will replace LBing and you will do it well.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and a much stronger person.

L.

Thank you, Orchid. I'm crying reading this. I just wish I was a strong as everyone thinks I am

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions here that are likely not accurate. How do you know that he "loves it"? You want him to "pay the price"? What would that look like? Who do you want him to "answer to"? Who said that life is supposed to be "fair"?



This about YOU changing..not your H. YOU WILL BECOME LOVABLE...YOU ONLY CAN CONTROL YOURSELF....

RL, do you feel love for YOUR HUSBAND? He definitely will need to feel that you love him and not that you want to "beat him up". That was one of my H's greatest fears about recovery...He needed to believe that I could FORGIVE him and that I would NOT BEAT HIM UP about what he did because he did FEEL BAD enough himself about it...

I'm concerned about hearing you say that you want him "to pay"...sounds vengeful....