Hello to All the Wonderful MB Folks,

Question: How does plan B with kids and coparenting work? It sounds very difficult My WS is wanting, expecting, hoping for it. How does, did it work?

My WS talks about "being flexible" and often asks me how I envision our relationship for the future. My gut tells me he would like daily dialogue about what is going on in their lives...funny stories, concerns, making plans and generally being open to even last minute plans.

He even mentioned having me sign an agreement that would say I wouldn't move further than 10 miles away.

Thanks,
Strongest

Strongest, your ex is quite precious!

Obviously, you’d never sign that document. You don’t need your lawyer to tell you that’s ridiculous. Don’t buy into the “flexibility” either. In my experience that’s a ploy to have the schedule shift to whatever is convenient for him. If I don’t agree to whatever B suggests, I’m being “inflexible” in his book.

I forget how old your children are and that affects no contact. With younger children, you may still need to update your STBX occasionally. That doesn’t mean telling him cute stories. It means communicating about difficulties or strengths, major episodes, and even sometimes rules.

You could speed your healing by making these communications one way. You send him an email. If he sends one back, have a trust person read it first and give you the basic facts.

And yes, Plan B will help you get on with your life. It works the same way no-contact works at ending an affair. Your STBX won’t be able to make any deposits in your account and your love will wither. It’s a great way to get off the emotional rollercoaster. It’s also a great way to start independent routines that will carry you through a lot of turmoil.

As GG said, don't expect your X to be flexible. It truly only works one way. I think that's why the courts side with mothers more, mothers are typically more flexible and we will do whatever is in the best interest of the children.
Protect yourself. My X took me to court claiming I'd moved to far away (25 miles), although I was within the county and within the parameters of our agreement. Judge was not happy about the motion, and denied it.

Hi all,

I haven't posted in almost a year, but read and keep up constantly with other posts. I am going through the same thing. I don't mean to thread jack, but was wondering the same thing you were. How do you do it? We have had our last court date (WH and I) and are waiting on the final decree in a couple of weeks. I have sole custody of our children (both under 4).

If I don't allow him to see our kids I am threatened with the kids hating me and all sorts of things. IF I don't allow him to come over and see the kids daily - same response!

I want to move on from this life - I don't want an unfaithful H or this whole situation to be my life anymore!!
That's why I divorced! He had the nerve to tell me that he wanted us to date exclusively now, but he couldn't do it while we were married!! He accuses me of using the kids, but all I want is for him to respect my boundaries and until he does I feel I should only allow the court ordered 1st and 3rd weekends of the month.

IS THIS WRONG? AM I WRONG?

When I told him I wanted to move on with my life without him in it he had the nerve to threaten to have other women around our children. I WILL NOT LIVE IN FEAR!!!

So it goes to say I would love to get what your take is on how you do it all and be free of the past problems becoming your same future issues??????

W2E <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

W2E, Sounds like he's more afraid of you having gentlemen callers around your two sons!

It's always much easier to loosen up visitation later than it is to tighten it. In some states, allowing your X repeated and sustained additional visitation may be construed as you tacitly agreeing to a new custody/visition schedule.

I wouldn't worry about the boys hating you. That's just blatant manipulation of the worse sort.

Newly, Surely, you don't mean that most men are inflexible. Remember, most of us who wade through EN or GQII and are still here years later are dealing with X's whose behavior is at the far ends of the norm spectrum.

Thank you so much for your quick response - he had my nerves going all night! We have a son and a daughter, but they are use to him only coming on certain days. They have never spent an overnight with him.

Ifeel that I am right in sticking to the court ordered visitations until at least the air is alittle bit clearer and less stressful for all parties.

It amuses me that he still has yet to tke resposibility for his actions. I am still suppose to bow to his demands instead of him changing to meet the family's need as a whole, but too late for that wishful thinking!!

Thanks,

W2E

Strongest, I just read you’re going through mediation with your H. Do you have a lawyer to help you? It won’t save you much money up front to do it this way, but when STBXs start asking for unreasonable concessions, like not moving more than 10 miles, you need to make sure someone is looking out for you.

Greengables- Thank you for your posts and suggestions. I do have a lawyer...and he wants a retainer $3500. wow! on top of the $1500...for the mediator that we've almost used up and we're not nearly done yet. My WS is freaking out about the $ it's so weird to be used to responding to his anxiety about $ but I just have to let it go...I didn't want this D...I guess he needs to face facts that it isn't free and that isn't my fault.

Newly- Thank you for your post and support. I too suspect that flexibility will be for him...just like it has always been.

Waiting 2 Exhale- I think Greengables is right about setting visitation up and sticking to a tight schedule. I must admit that I don't nor have any intention of not letting the children have a relationship with their father. I believe though that avoiding flexible whatever will be good for me.

I know he would like first refusal if I need a sitter, and I do too. At 14 and 11 they will probably initiate their own contact with their dad...I do wonder how that is handled...just let them bike over to dad's if he is available?...I just don't know...probably?...I don't know. It is strange...should he call and talk to them everyday...? Perhaps that isn't going to be too cool on my time...ya know? I don't want my BS calling here all the time annoying me...checking up on me through the kids etc.

S, If and when you can afford it, get the kids a phone on the family plan. Dad can call them directly. If he needs to talk to you, he can call you.

At 11 and 14, I don't think you need to be communicating much about their personal life. Major issues, yes. The daily traumas are theirs to share as they see fit.

Also, at 14, they start to choose their own visitation schedules. A lot of this will be out of your hands, which is good news if you ask me.

As soon as the nightmare is over, you can move away if having OW on the same block drives you nuts. And I wouldn't worry too much about the boys wanting to ride their bikes down to Dad's and the OW's house. H and OW may be thinking they'll play happy families, but children really resent the OP. Lord, my sister has resented our Dad's wife for years upon years.

Bite your lips and don't say a word except to your bestest friend or here. It will stand you in good stead in the years to come.

Or write a murder mystery. Someone famous got that way because she laid awake planning the perfect murder for her STBX. In the end she turned it into a book and is laughing all the way to the bank.