Hi, im new here. Together 6 years married 4. 3 year old son. Im 27, wife 26. Hope im posting in right area. If not please let me know where to. Ok ever since son being born we have focused our attention mainly to our son and not to each other at all which i think is the reason im here today. Wife says she doesnt love my anymore and needs space. She has started to live with her mom 3-4 days ago im not sure what i need to do. Do i fight for her and let her know how much i love her, which she knows, or do i just let her go and do her thing since she said she needs space? Losing my wife is not an option here for me so i need her back. She thinks that the spark wont come back for her and i disagree. How can you stop loving someone, i know i would do anything for this woman and i just cant seem to picture why she wouldnt want to get help for us. I mentioned the books, his needs, her needs and fall in love, stay in love which i havent read but am picking up in the next couple of days. Anyone out there that is or has gone through this and any advice please.

Well, I have not gone through this myself, but...

The #1 thing you need to do is put your wife in the #1 spot over the kids.
Many people may disagree, but I think the best thing you can do for your kids is set the example of having a happy healthy marriage.

This may be hard now since she is not there, but whenever you get the chance do everything you can to win her back.

I suggest having her take the "emotional needs" test to see which of them are most important to her. Once you know it is MUCH easier to do those that are important to her.

Hope this helps. Also, if you post this in "Emotional needs" you will get more traffic.

Slow down, don't panic. You fight for her and you fight for your marriage. "I need space" is fog speak for "I like somebody else better".

Go and read up on Plan A. The last thing you want to do when fighting for your marriage is to act desperate, needy, any of that.

Your wife may have a crush on someone and is trying to clear the decks so that she can be togther with him. She isn't going to read your books; she isn't going to attend counseling, and for God's sake don't tell her about MB. MB is your secret weapon.

Now is the time to be strong, attractive, steadfast. If you believe in God, pray a lot. Also, get good at spying. People here can help you to dig up the truth. Don't confront too son or reveal sources.

Good luck. Your son is depending on you.

Wow. The above reply is very interesting. I have a slightly different opinion. I do agree that there is obviously an unspoken conflict between you and your wife. You seem to care about her deeply. I would find out what that problem is and do all you can to fulfill her needs in that area. She is withdrawing for a reason. Could it be emotional infidelity on her part? Sure, it could be. That is the last thing I would assume. In fact, I would assume nothing. There is no such thing as 'fog speak' and the idea that you can discern what people are really saying in any other way besides asking them directly (but gently) goes against everything on this site. Rather than hiring a spy or becoming one yourself, I would become a detective. Discover the problem and the solution will appear.

As a side note, I am experiening a similar situation, which is why I was drawn to this post. My wife of 12 years called me up while I was deployed in Iraq and out of the blue (totally) told me our marriage was in crisis (first time news to me) and that she feared it was actually too late to fix things and we were headed for divorce. Like most men (including the poster above, Bellevue) I instantly assumed my wife was involved in an affair. I was very very wrong. She was instead involved in an abusive relationship that after 12 years had silently poisoned her. I had absolutely no idea what a Love Buster was or that I was breaking almost all the rules about love busting behavior and had been since the beginning of the relationship. She should have told me and I should have been more sensitive. If we had the marriage builder info we do now, we could have avoid a very difficult period in our marriage. But, likely, something else just as difficult would have come up to challenge, stretch and eventually strengthen us as people and as a couple. My wife is still in the "Withdrawl" stage. She has moved out and we are starting over, taking things very slowly. The principles taught by Dr Harley are true and they really work when properly applied by both spouses.

Good luck man. I know your post is months old but there is my 2 cents for what it is worth.

In a way, I'd never suggest "fighting" for your marriage. You won't attract anyone by fighting. Fighting causes more aggression, even if it's just a figure of speech.

Be the person she wouldn't dream of leaving. Maybe I'm giving you advice that I actually need, but try loving yourself more than you love her. Be available for her, and make regular checks...check how she is, how she's feeling. Repeat her words, repeat them so that she feels totally understood, even if you feel attacked (now I'm giving you advice I wish someone would give my wife).

Do the funnest thing you can think of to do with her. Now. See if she's up for it. If not, say "well, ok, I'll go with (name of friend--not a woman!) this time, but I'd love it if you would come next time." Or just say "OK, I just thought I'd ask."

Best,
D--