A while back I posted with regard to my BIL and his OW soon to be wife.

I said I'm not planning on attending but I was pretty sure that was going to be an unpopular stance.

I was right.

H had a call from his other brother..who asked about the due date for our most recent baby..which just happens to be two days before the event.

His brother said something to the effect of well..you just HAVE to find a way to be there!

It's probably a good thing I didn't take that call because I'm SURE that H was more diplomatic than I would have been.

[Noodle response..OK..I'll discharge myself from the hospital and heck with my health or the baby..just as long as I make it to the affair wedding and show support of the affairees..then I can both gut my former SIL *and* acknowledge my own expendability in a timesaving manner!]


I admit..I'm a little suprised by this BILs response..as he is at seminary training to be a pastor [apparently at the church of "Like Whatever Man"] and should know better [maybe I'll ask him if he plans to put acting as witness to an adulterous marriage on his resume when he goes to apply at all of the fundamentalist/conservative churches]

Yet..the suprise is only superficial..this is after all what I anticipated.

Fun days ahead to be sure.

Glad we don't live too close.

Noodle,

Don't waste time on relatives who can't see life for what it is. An ow with or without a wedding is still an OW until she truly gives up that seflish lifestyle. Which btw, will be evident with time.

I applaud u 2 for NOT going. Tell that paster that his compassion s/b with the faithful NOT the unfaithful, unless he migrated over to the mothership's religion. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Would you rather be unpopular or right? Don't help them try to validate their affair in any way. Good for you.

LOL Orchid !

Hi Noodle...
how are you & the baby doing? When is it due?

A friend of mine divorced many years ago because of his W's A's (plural).

Now his daughter started having a A with her H's brother. Things came to light, and she separated from H and shacked up with H's brother. The family on her mother's side reacts with "oh, you can't control who you fall in love with, can you?".

The father is so upset with this that he refuses to talk to his daughter again. She's every bit as selfish as her mother, it seems.

Now this is going to make some wonderful X-masses !
It seems the mothership is taking hold of a lot of minds here on earth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yarg,

More bad news..my mother..who I haven't spoken to in more than a year called to tell me she has to have something biopsied..I just didn't know what to say at all.

Complete ackward silence that stretched on for minutes.

I told her that I hoped her results came back OK..but that either she was in my life or out of it. [ie don't call until and unless you are willing to accept my terms]

Probably a little cruel, huh. I think so too but I am honestly at a loss for an alternative.

Isn't it grotesque how far reaching the damage from affairs and WS thinking is?

She has created a mountains worth of crap to step over in order for us to ever have a relationship again [and has actually not shown any interest in climbing it just wants me to give her what she wants and shut up]..I'm really concerned for her..and I love her..but her rationalizations and perverted perceptions have cost me too much already..I can not and will not allow that back into my life.

Can I just say how much I loathe affairs and everything to do with affairs?

Cruel? I don't think so.

Sounds like a smart thing - keeping boundaries regarding what you are willing to accept and not.

Reminds me a a story about a friend of mine.

This friend had taken all kinds of crap from her mother throughout her life, often suffering the consequences of her mother's poor choices.

As a teenager, my friend became pregnant with a bi-racial child. Her mother wasn't happy about that at all. She disowned her.

After several years, her mother came around and began to want to be a part of her daughter and granddaughter's lives. My friend allowed this, though still feeling somewhat resentful about the past.

Until, the time came that my friend met her future husband - a guy who was here (in Oklahoma), doing occupational training, but lived in Alaska. When he went home, he remained in contact with my friend. After a few months he asker her to marry him and move to Alaska. She wanted to.

But, by this time, her mother had become very seriously ill with ovarian cancer. Her mother didn't want her to move away, taking her grandchild with her. As it turns out, she and her granddaughter had become quite close.

I remember conversations I had with my friend during that time. She said things like, "I don't see why I should put my life on hold and change my plans for her. She was never there for me, etc..." and she moved to Alaska.

A few months later, her mother died...all alone.

It torments my friend, even all these years later.

Every once in a while she will talk about it, though I know it's very painful for her. Her regret is immense.

I don't necessarily think my friend was wrong to make the choice she did, though she might believe she was.

But maybe there were more than just the two alternatives. Maybe there was an alternative that would have allowed my friend to move and also avoid the regret she feels now over the choice she made.

I loathe affairs and everything to do with affairs, too.

I hope it isn't rude of me to say, but...

You're having a baby? If you are having a baby, then you must be somewhere near my age, I would think.

Geez, noodle...I thought you were like 60!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You possess a lot of wisdom for such a young woman.

It appears that noodle has the spirit of youth and the wisdom of the ages.

D#mn tough combination to beat!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A Chinese proverb says:
in a fight, never lose your partner.

Moves have to be made, attacks countered.
But don't let go of the partner.

A mother is so very close to yourself - good or bad.
I see no problem in being there for her when she really needs you. The problem might be not letting her bring (anymore) cràp into your life at the same time. That's quite a balancing act, if she is manipulative.

But I don't know the details of this part of your story Noodle, please excuse me for that.

BH,

Yes, a mother *is* close which is why I am in so much conflict.

I would *love* to be able to have a relationship with her..as it now stands I am effectively orphaned..however..she simply will not respect one..ONE boundary..and that is that I will not have any further contact with her husband. Nor will I allow him any contact with my children.

They will not have it..and have attempted to tromp across that boundary with no thought for consequences..they just wanted to win.

They have shown up unannounced [intentionally] tried to force their way in [I had to physically stand between them and the door] continue to send mail and gifts to my DAUGHTER [both of my sons can apparently go to ****** though, not so much as a B-day card for either of them..part of what lead me to make that boundary was a belief that her H had an unhealthy focuss on my D..just as he did with me..but in reverse action] and basically just refused to accept my right to make that decision and enforce it.

As recently as two weeks ago they tried yet again.

Anything else I could work around..have *some* degree of contact with her..I'd just have to guard my heart and mind very..VERY well.

This one issue is not negotiable..it is neither healthy nor safe for me to allow his presence in my life and she will not accept that answer so we are at an impasse.

Froz,

I have no idea how old you are..but I am presently working on baby number 4 [if you can believe that]..another boy..apparently our daughter was an anomaly.

I can relate to your friend..but I have to wonder if the regret she feels is not rather regret that there WAS no better alternative..that is where I find myself. Would she rather have subjected herself once more to the sickness she took such extreme measures to get away from?

I am vulnerable to her..she knows how to pull my strings. What to say and how to say it..she raised me after all..she programmed a lot of my software.

noodle,

I'm 36.



My friend feels worried that she made the wrong decision - that she could have done something more or differently.

You make a good point. Perhaps it would serve her well to remember the facts of the situation leading up to the time she moved. Time has a funny way of distorting memories.

I think what I will do..

Is send her an email at work and express sympathy for her situation..and wishes that the results will be favorable but restate that until she accepts my boundaries I won't allow her in my life.

There is a lot of hurt involved, years lost and much resentment..but if she will respect my decision whether she agrees with it or not then at least there is a possiblity that I can offer support..if not then really there isn't anything more I can do..the olive branch has been extended and rejected..I guess at that point her problems are her own and I just won't accept her calls.

It's scary for me to do this..as I said..I feel much healthier without her in my life..

However, I have to be able to live with myself if it *is* something serious or terminal..I couldn't turn my back without at least offerring to meet her as close to halfway as I reasonably can without sacrificing my sanity or the safety of my children.

Email sent.

It turned out quite plan B like..how funny.

Now I'm all set to...

a) be rejected all over again.

b) have to deal with the terrifying prospect of reconciling with my mother to some degree.

In any case..I've done what I can live with so the outcome will just have to be embraced and accepted regardless.

Incidentally,

Baby is due Sept 10th.

Our previous son was born Sept 5th.

Sept is going to be an expensive month what with two birthdays and school resumption, no?

Wouldn't it be funny if S#3 and s#4 shared a birthday?

YIKES!

You are so right to protect your children from that man. It is a shame that your mother chooses him over her children and grandchildren, but I have to give you tons of kudos for making her stick to her choice, and not just compromising for the sake of a false peace.

If she doesn't meet you half-way, you will know you did all you could.

That's tough Noodle, and you are absolutely right - you cannot make compromises here. If there is any fog regarding A's, there is an even thicker fog that surrounds women that choose to stay with abusive men.

Stick to your boundaries. If push comes to shove and your mother is dying, without ever having come out of her fog - you will find a time and a place to be alone with her to say goodbye.

Meanwhile you can only repeat what you have already said - and yes, it sounds like plan B - I love you, but cannot have contact with you as long as ...

(((Noodle))) and ((((baby-Noodle))))

Hi, Noodle, how are you? I didn't know that there was a baby noodle! Congrads! I hope that you post as pic in the MB photo album of baby noodle when he/she decides to bless you and H.

I just wanted to pop in and say Hi. I think that you are doing the right thing with BIL and OW.

Have a wonderful day and take care!

NC,

It'll be a cold day in..the MB photo thread.

I have film from six years ago that I haven't developed yet..honest!

I'm not opposed to the idea though..someone would just have to drive over..kick me in the butt..pick up my film..develope and post it.

Any takers? Could be fun..you get to kick me in the butt free of charge..how often does that offer come along?

That's funny, I use to be like that until we got the digital! Oh, well, I won't complain nevertheless!

Do you know if it's a boy or girl yet?

Noodle, I just had to giggle at you thinking your DD was an anomaly. My H and I are presently gestating #5.....a fourth girl.......and my 16yo DS's reaction was "I think Dad's broken"!

You're my new hero with those mom-boundaries! I'm learning all too slowly how important mom-boundaries are in near-toxic mom-daughter relationships, and you are SUCH an inspiration! My mom has battled (and won against) lymphoma, and I tell you, it was super-hard on me to hold out on anything other than a 'utilitarian' relationship with her. I finally realized that I *can* "be there" for her, help her out and be the dutiful daughter without laying down to be a doormat for her emotional muck.