Hi all- a new thread for this issue.

My story in an nutshell- had an online/phone EA started mid Feb, DH found out after only a week or so. I told him I'd NC, then didn't, he found out again late March. I have had NC since then, never met the man although things did get sexually explicit, and DH knows. This is one of his big issues, that I didnt' stop when I told him I would.

He says that an EA is no different than if I'd actually had sex. Now (with the help of a percocet and a valium) he says that he's considering an affair of his own so he can hurt me like I hurt him.

Yesterday (Sunday) he said that he has no desire to do anything with me. Let me just say that before the EA, we rarely did things together without fighting. Now, I am trying to have a mighty change in my heart and I am calmer, not freaking out, more loving. We are actually doing lots of things together (15 hours and more, I'm making it a priority), including "hanky panky." I haven't read the books yet (on order)- but I am trying to fill his EN's.

Here's the thing- what if he does have an A? He said that if he liked someone well enough to have sex with them, then he'd probably want to "take it a step further and make it permanant."

Keep in mind, he likes to say things that will totally "get" me, and before it was working. Now I kind of will press the issue but not freak (thank goodness for these antidepressants, thanks Pep!!) He said, "N, I am not really planning on doing anything. Just drop it."

So is this just mind games? What if he does? I honestly don't think he would under normal circumstances, but he might to get back at me. Or again it's just to get me emotionally.

Words of wisdom?

And by the way, I appreciate how you give advice to FWW's, even though we can be percieved as the "enemy." I just want to say that I am truly repentant for my actions, I love my husband and children, and that the OM was single, I did not hurt a significant other or family of his. Just my own, which is horrible enough.

Your H sounds immature....however, those feelings are normal..unfortunately...he is in pain and wants you to feel what he has felt...

The fact that he has said what he has to you is indicative of the trouble your marriage is in and a reason why you did what you did....

There are decisions to be made...

do you both want to save marriage?

If one sided...PLAN A

read this site
read Surviving an Affair
read this site...

read this site, learn principles...understand them...

you have a long , difficult road.....I wish you the best

Hon - you are worrying about the wrong things.

If he had an affair then he has one, and you will have to deal with things then. If he does - then remember that is his own doing and handling...

BUT...right now - whether he is threatening, or not...you can't let that fear take you. FOCUS on the changes you are making, and meeting his needs...and deal with whether he has an affair IF he has one! ALL BS's think of having one (okay not all - BUT ALOT) to get back...but hardly any have one...and if he does...you will get through - my H and I did.

FOCUS on you okay??????? Stop being emotional...stop worrying too much...and keep working on you guys...if he wont let you meet his needs, find other needs he may not NOTICE you are meeting, like having house clean, or supper ready if domestic is one of his needs...

HANG in there...he still has to DECIDE if this is what he wants...he is HURTING...you can't press anything

msrob,

Honestly, I suspect that most BSs entertain the idea of settling the score. I know I thought about it. Your H has just gone one step further and voiced it. My guess is that he's just trying to give you a taste of your own medicine and he's having trouble dealing with his feelings of betrayal.

"What if he does?" Well....you'll have to cross that bridge when you come to it (because you can't control his choices)....but my guess is if you validate his feelings about this...a simple: "I don't blame you." should do then add "I do hope that you won't follow through because it will just add more damage to my shame about what I've already done"....he might not feel compelled to follow through.

What he's really begging for is more remorse....and I'd give it to him until such time that he feels satisfied....at least for a little longer. It's only been a few months....if he's still unforgiving after a year....then it might be time to explore why he's stuck in this grief....but right now....he's seems pretty normal to me.

hugs and good luck!

MrsRob,

Star*fish is correct, some BSs do entertain having a revenge A. I certainly have thought of it, but in the cold light of day one will see that it serves no purpose and does indeed cause more pain than it's worth. Everyone involved will be hurt needlessly yet again, especially any children involved.

You can only control you, and if he does have a revenge A then you can deal with it when it happens. Right now deal with you and continue what you are doing. Study this site, SAA, HNHN, etc... I hope it's just a threat and a feeble attempt to hurt you and that he will not carry out his threat. It would be a very bad thing for him to do.

The posters above, IMHO, have it right. Please follow their advice. Remember ther is such a thing as BS Fog, not discussed much, but it's there. Hope this helps. Hang in there you are doing good.