I'm not a bitter woman. I would like to be married again, I believe there are men out there who don't cheat and with whom I could be happy.

But I also think that maybe I'm a little bit too analytical and "safe" in my relationships now. Some of this comes from not having much experience (since my divorce) but I don't really see it going away anytime soon. I think this is a good thing--being carefuly--but I worry that I am going to miss out on opportunities as well.

Throughout my life I've dated a lot and have a good idea of what I would like in a mate. Except for the cheating <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> my ex was just right for me. I'm not really interested in casual dating, but do understand that there has to be a casual period before getting to the more serious part.

I find myself being asked out, or going out with men and thinking "Well, this is fine for dating and for some fun, but this wouldn't work for me as a mate." I'm pretty much saying that last bit to myself all the time. And by saying that to myself, I immediately put up a wall that I won't let come down with this person. This is a CONCIOUS decision on my part.

I've been involved with someone for awhile that because of the geological distance between us, I won't let the wall down. This relationship has been a wonderful healing relationship for me but I don't see a future with him. Mostly because there is no way to get to know him on a day-to-day basis. I will never see him in his daily life and interactions unless we made a deeper commitment. And I'm not willing to make that commitment without knowing him on a daily basis...Catch-22.

There is someone else I've started seeing (I've known him for awhile but only recently became romantically interested in him) and this is a person I could fall in love with. I could *definitely* fall in love with him but I'm holding back. He has asked me a couple of times why I'm pushing him away. I'm not pushing him away exactly--more like I'm only letting him in a little bit and stopping it there. I look at the future and I foresee issues with this person. Of course these issues are not a guarantee, but I look at my first two marriages and experienced what happens when you choose to ignore red flags.

I am just worried that I am taking the "Love is a Choice" thing too far. I think the "Love is a Choice" concept is more applicable in a marriage where you are deciding to honor your vows and promises--however I do think it is useful in a new relationship as well.

Of course this is all about not wanting to get hurt again. But it is also about wanting to be smarter about relationships and making better choices.


What do y'all think? Anyone else experience this thing about being too careful?

i think this is a good question and will vary with each person. i am certainly not about jumping blindly into a relationship, did that with my ex and will never go there again. however, i believe life is about taking chances and sometimes that might mean getting hurt. hurt sucks, but i would rather live than not live and not take the chance.

i feel i am taking a big chance getting to know someone who is far away from me. but i have seen enuff outstanding qualties in him to continue to want to pursue what could be. i might get hurt, but i am willing to take that chance because of what i am seeing so far. i would shy away from looking at every date and trying to see what could go wrong or looking for what could go wrong in the future, you will drive yourself crazy and never find anyone that way! i'm just taking it a day at a time and seeing what happens. i think i am cautious in that i am taking things slowly and really really getting to know a person this time, but not so cautious that i am not going to dive right in a take a chance. mlhb

""i think i am cautious in that i am taking things slowly and really really getting to know a person this time, but not so cautious that i am not going to dive right in a take a chance. mlhb ""



OMG!!!! who are you trying to convince????

your in LOVE!!!

i can smell it all the way out here in Cali!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

A few thoughts on your situation.

You may be projecting the defects of your past husbands onto the guys you are currently dating. Since none of us is perfect, there will be enough faults to find, and you can thus use projection to prove that he isn't the right guy for you.

Second, is the cheating thing. Are you talking about cheating in marriage? If so, I am 100% against it. But, are you talking about dating? I have met a lot of women who have rejected men they were dating because they cheated on her. !!!!! What is that about?? They aren't married, they aren't engaged, they are just dating, yet these women expect a level of fidelity that is similar to marriage. Expect honesty, but don't expect a guy you aren't married to , to automatically reject other women because you think he should.

Finally, since you are concerned about certain things, it seems to me you shouild start applying the MB methods to any guy you are serious about. Talk to him about things like Radical Honesty, and POJA. Sure, you can't take them quite as far as married folks do, but you have the right to expect honesty, good communications, and to be able to agree on things. I think the MB concepts can go a long way in eliminating unsuitable mates, and helping to confirm who would be a good one.

Oh, for what it is worth, I have become convinced that I often play it to safe myself. I am often to conservative, and thus lose opportunities to meet women, or, they end up thinking I don't feel for them because I am afraid to risk rejection. So I miss out on what may be a great, though short-term relationship.

There is nothing wrong with a short-term relationship. They help us understand ourselves and prepare for the right person.

Don't think every relationship has to be one that has a high probablity of ending up in marriage. You can't know that ahead of time. Sure, reject the guys who make you feel unsafe or who possesss deal-breaker attributes. But, the reality is most of us can't tell, AT THE BEGGINING, whether a relationship is going to be short or an LTR.



The more laid back I become, the less problems I have.

oh sturg... i'm only in love with you baby! hahahahaha

mlhb <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

aislinn,
It doesn't sound to me that you are being TOO safe at all. I think you are proceeding at a very appropriate pace. You are in discussions with two men, and there are significant concerns with each one, so you are not allowing your heart to get entangled until or unless those concerns are resolved. That's exactly what I think people should do.
A few other posters are making references to being "too" cautious, but that is in reference to not risking rejection. In my opinion, that's no where near what you're talking about.
If you keep on in this manner, here's what you can expect. Either one of these two men will make a meaningful effort to resolve your concerns -- and thus earning the chance for greater intimacy with you -- or someone else who doesn't present as many concerns will come into your life.
Rock on, girl.

A ~ I truly identified with many things you've said here. I too have had to deal with geographical distance barriers to moving relationships forward. I've found that many just don't get it - that it takes being able to be around someone in at least near daily interaction to be able to make sound decisions about them going forward.

Yes, this is probably the result of being burned like you & I have been. Yes, it's about wanting to be so careful to do our due diligence going forward. NOTHING wrong with that in my opinion. Stick with that plan!!

To the 2nd guy & the "issues". I think the earlier you surface these things & discuss them, the better. No need to waste life & energy on someone that you cannot verify. If not now when? You will inevitably have to face these things - so why not now?

We are all so much alike in so many ways on this forum it seems. I can just truly feel your anxiety here as I read this. I have similar feelings too.

Keep praying!