My wife had an affair that ended several years ago. Not certian that she is completely over her feelings for this person but don't believe that she would get involved again. Our marriage is good now. The kids of the two were good friends and was one of the reasons they were able to see each other during the affair. At the time, the kids were around 8 years old and they had to abruptly terminate their relationship because the affair was revealed. The kids do not know about it. They think there was a disagreement between the parents and that is all they know. Since then, the other couple has divorced and the OM is engaged to another. My wife has always felt bad about breaking the kids up. The kids still do see each other at school and church although they are not in the same classes. She recently has the idea that she wants to make things right for the kids and try to get them back together. This probably would involve making contact with the OM which I have maintained is off limits. I have concern over this not because of my wife but because of the OM. It is my belief that although he is engaged to another, he would still rather be with my wife and would welcome any opportunity to have any contact with her. Again, I trust my wife but not him. He has given me no reason to believe that he would behave himself.

My position is that if things are going OK right now that I don't want to upset the apple cart. However, my wife believes that the kids are hurting because they can't resume their friendship. My thought is that kids can make new friends and they it is not required that they get back together. I have been considering giving the OK but only with some conditions so that contact between the two is minimized.

I need some input from others to decide if this is a good idea or not. Just to reiterate, I trust my wife but not the OM. Is trusting my wife enough?

Thanks
Koaster Keith

Kids can make new friends. Keep your wife and OM apart. Don't run this risk.

Roaster - we terminated the relationship between our kids. They were 8 at the time as well. In fact my boy switched schools, we stopped attending our church, and they have both since moved on. NC unfortunately meant NC for the kids as well.

IMHO - It is not your wives responsibility to mend this relationship. Unfortunately the consequence to infidelity affects the entire family. Just another hard lesson for her to swallow for her choices.

For myself I would never try to rekindle my sons relationship. There are many other kids that he can be friends with, we have moved on.

It's too risky. No matter how far you are in recovery you have to realize any contact is going to be bad. NC is for LIFE.

KY

RC,

NC means NC. The kids will make new friends, probably have already. Your FWW should not worry about it. Sounds liek a tactic to see if there are any feelings left for OM. I would watch this very closely.

Do you have boundaries set? Is NC one of them? If boundaries are set and NC is one of them are you prepared to enforce your boundaries?

Be every vigillant, trust bur verify!

has your child given you reason to believe he/she wishes to have that friendship back?? or is this all your wife's idea?

I am going to keep this really simple...

BAD IDEA!

I think this is your wife's way of shedding guilt, keeping a small hold on the "drug of choice", etc. I don't care that he is engaged, newly married, etc, he did it once and it's a proven fact that her marriage vows mean nothing to him. If this were my FWW this would be "deal breaker".

I got to go along with all the others. This is a BAD IDEA!

I'm a firm believer in NC. ANY contact EVER is a very bad idea!

Personnaly, I would consider moving / changing churches to help eliminate any contact whatsoever!

Keith, your instincts are exactly right about this. They should never ever see each other again FOR LIFE and I am very concerned that she doesn't realize what a danger this is to your marriage. Her affair could easily start right back up YEARS LATER. It is not uncommon for this to occur.

I know she feels bad about your child losing this friendship, but the solution is NOT to sacrifice her marriage. THAT will not help your child at all. The best thing for your child is to stay far away from this friend; it is the best thing for his family.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months

Thanks for the replies. NC would be my choice. The kids still do see each other at school during recess and during some church functions. They remain friends and would like things to go back the way they were but I have not seen any emotional problems because of this. My daughter is generally able to make friends easily and has made other friends since then. I agree that she is trying to sheld some guilt by "making this right" even though when confronted with this she insists it is for the kids and not her needs.

I have set NC as a boundry but it has been broken on a few occasions. Most recently about 2 months ago. She felt that the way things ended was not "right" and felt that she needed to have a conversation with the OM to end things face-to-face. I knew that she felt this way and I had been insisting that this not take place. Even our counselor's felt this was not a good idea. However, she did it anyway one day and let me that evening after it occured. In fact, the conversation that should have lasted only a few minutes ended up lasting 2 hours with them sort of rekindling their friendship. She maintains that they will always have a "friendship" since they were always on good terms and only choose to end the affair in order to save our marriage. We are at the point in our recovery that I trust her and feel our marriage is good but this "friendship" factor has always been something to give me pause and concern. I have tried to tell her that she can't have feelings for this person and not have it affect our marriage. She states that it is only a friendship and not sexual and is like the feelings that you have for a dead relative or spouse. I was very upset with her for a few days because of this most recent contact but I did not know what to do without pushing her away.

I really don't want her to have contact and rekindle the kids relationship but I feel if I don't then I will be pushing her away. She feels I should trust her that nothing will happen and even if the OM tries something, she assures me that she is not going to respond back.

Part of me says that if I really trust her that I need to give this a shot but the other part of me is protective of my marriage and I do not want to give the OM the opportunity to make a move.

KoasterKeith

Stick with the latter. You should not "trust" anyone who is untrustworthy, and from what you told me, she is not trustworthy. It looks to me like she is trying to rekindle this affair. It is nonsense to imagine she can be "friends" with this man. They have evolved way beyond this.

I would nip this in the bud before it spirals out of control. And I do think you are on the precipice of some serious spiralling. She has made contact again and is now looking for some cover [your kids] to resume the affair. She may just be thinking about a resumption at this point, but I would strongly suspect she is hoping it will go beyond that soon with some proper planning.

I would take a hard look at Dr. Harley's very wise words about ending contact for life. As you can see, he is RIGHT in your case as he usually is. You have been dealing with this for YEARS because extreme steps were not taken to keep them separated.

I would consider moving, but more importantly, I would bring the OMW into the loop NOW so she can be on alert frm her end. The fact that your wife saw him again for 2 hours [to rekindle the affair, not to CLOSE] should alarm you very much.

[/quote]

You have been dealing with this for YEARS because extreme steps were not taken to keep them separated.

I would consider moving, but more importantly, I would bring the OMW into the loop NOW so she can be on alert frm her end. [/quote]

Part of the problem has been that when contact has been made, I don't know how to respond. I get upset and we talk about it and things seem OK but the subject of the OM still keeps coming up in conversations. Most recently with the friendship of the kids. Also the OM former wife was her "best" friend and works with our neighbor so they occasionally have conversations about her.

In the past, I have wanted to change churches so that we don't see the OM. However, I really like the church and don't want the OM to ruin this. I have suggested that it may be easier if we move but we are not financially able to do that.

I would really like this too just go away. I don't want to keep talking about the affair with her. I just want to get on with our life but it just seems to keep coming up in some form or another. It seems clear from these posts that I need to continue my NC policy. But most of the rest of our marriage is better that it has been in years. I honestly do not think she is trying to rekindle the affair but I could be wrong. I did not see it the first time and it lasted for over 3 years. When she gets something in her mind, she generally does not leave go until she sees it through.

If I follow through with the NC policy and really do something difficult to enforce it such as changing churches, then I feel I would only be pushing her away and telling her I don't trust her.

KoasterKeith

FYI - The OMW is aware of the affair and is ultimately why they divorced. She did not trust my wife and felt that they were still sneaking around behind her back. I don't have proof of that and don't believe it.

The OM is now engaged and this was part of the recent 2 hour conversation. She is much younger than him and he said that she is aware of the affair. My wife did state that during the conversation, he made the comment that he wishes the affair had not ended and that they were still together. My wife feels that he has moved on because he is engaged but I don't think so because of this comment. He is engaged because he is getting "some" from a younger women and his true love is not available at this moment. But in the back of his mind, I am sure he is hoping the right opportinity would present itself.

KoasterKeith

Roaster - your wife very much seems to be trying to keep her feelings alive for OM.

DANGER DANGER DANGER

OM will never be my friend. Don't be a fool, she is asking for your permission to continue her EA which could eventually lead to PA.

Your boundaries are being crossed. Stay strong.
KY

kyellow4,

This is what I have been dealing with for several years now. How do I convince her that he is not her friend? She regrets the affair but not their friendship. She is trying to seperate the affair from their friendship. She states the sexual relationship is over but she still has fond memories and considers him a friend. The affair was only revealed because my wife was afraid I was going to find out from a person she confided in. If I did not show an effort to reconcile the marriage, they would likely still be together to this day.

KoasterKeith


She likens it to a divorce where they are still on friendly terms.

Back to the situation with the kids. To be fair, her first request was to initiate the visitations thru the OM. I shot this down. Her most recent request was to initiate the visits through the exwife of the OM. The kids think that the reason for the split is a fight between my wife and the exwife. They used to be best friends and they no longer are friends. This is a convenient cover to hide the real reason. But if the visitations are done through the exwife, then the kids are going to start asking why they can't have visitations when they are over at the OM house.

Would it be acceptable to limit visitations to only the exwife's house or would the NC rule still apply.

Roaster your wife is not rational.

I do not believe any Recovered WS would have any of these thoughts your W is having. I'm completely disinterested in OM. I want no information on him, and he gets no information on me, FOR LIFE.

For one it's the respectful thing to do for your BS and for another once you recover you realize how incredibly phony the A relationship was. There are NO fond memories for me, I'm embarassed to have ever thought I felt fondly of this OM.



I wish there was a vomit graemlin, rolleyes will have to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Your wife is not recovered.

My heart is hurting for you Roaster. (((ROASTER)))

KY

Change Churches- you can serve God anywhere. You need complete NO CONTACT.

No wonder you have been dealing it with it for years - there is still contact- any sighting, talking about, haring of, etc is CONTACT.

There has never been a clean break.

Yeah, exactly what MoveForward just said. Any sighting is keeping this thing alive.

Keith, I missed the part where the OM is divorced so please disregard my advice to contact the OMW. But you will likely have to tell his new fiance about the affair. She needs to know this. Her ignorance only leaves the door wide open for a resumption and I suspect it is this weakness your W hopes to exploit. I wouldn't be surprised if the fiance doesn't even know about the affair.

I would settle for nothing less than complete no contact if you want your marriage to stay in tact. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger from adhering to your BOUNDARY but it cannot survive this continued contact. You have been dealing with this for years and your marriage may not survive a few more years of this abuse.

They are not "friends" and can never be "friends." Her continued contact with the OM threatens your marriage and makes it IMPOSSIBLE for you both to rebuild your marriage. It makes it impossible for you to trust. Please ask yourself WHY you don't trust your W years after the affair.

It is because of continued contact.

As you can see, Keith, agreeing to her continued contact has not worked and will never work. If you had set down some firm boundaries a few years ago it is unlikely you would be dealing with this today.


How about this? Tell her that in order for you to recover from her affair and ever rebuild trust, you would like her to NEVER EVER see the OM again. And that means never allowing your children over there. Her continued "friendship" with her lover is profoundly destructive and profoundly disrespectful to you and your children. And it falls to YOU to protect your marriage and your childrens family from this assault.

So instead, I would set a boundary for COMPLETE no contact and ask her to send the OM this letter from Surviving an Affair:

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Also, please read the Four Rules of Protection about what it takes to recover a marriage, because y'all are not in recovery yet and won't be there until the OM is gone:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html