RC,

There is something fundamentally wrong with this thread and something fundamentally wrong with your attitude. I almost get the impression that you are a wayward pretending to be a BS to get advice that agrees with what you want to justify. What part of this don't you get?

If you have to move to a different planet to get away from OM, you do it. Why are you trying to look for wrinkles and justifications? Keep them apart in any and every way you can. Keep WW away from OMW. Keep kids away from kids. Do you just want to end up divorced? You say you trust your WW. Why would you? She has already proven to you that you were wrong to do so. Stop arguing with the good advice you are getting here and just do it. What is more important yo you? Your marriage and your family or your WW's sensibilities?

Piojitos,

I think you are being a little rough on me. My multiple posts and replies were an attempt to provide further information about our situation and get clarification. Obviously the situation is a little more complicated and would take a long time to completely explain the affair and the recovery of the past several years. Also, you have to understand my wife to put things in perspective as well. I really appreciate all the advise that has been given. I was leaning toward giving in to her request but because of this post, I have decided it is not a good idea and will continue to enforce the NC policy. In fact, we spoke about it last night and although it was not what she was hoping for, she understands my point of view. I suspect that this may not be the end of it but I can hope.


Her point of view is that she has recommitted her life to me and our marriage and I should have nothing to worry about. She just wants things to go back to the way they were before this all happened. Not with the OM but with the kids. She was willing to work with conditions to limit interaction with the OM. Again, as I mentioned in previous posts, based on other things that have happened and things that have been said, I tend to trust and believe her. It is the OM that I don't trust and am most concerned about.

Again, thanks to all.

RC, please understand that you should not trust your wife until she demonstrates trustworthy behavior. It would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person. As long as she insists on seeing the OM, she is not demonstrating trustworthy behavior and your marriage is in jeopardy.

You can see with your own eyes what the result of continued contact all these years. That will not change until contact ends. She is NOT committed to your marriage if she insists that she stay in contact with this man. Doing that is DAMAGING to your marriage and PREVENTS RECOVERY.

"Limiting" contact with the OM will not do. That is like expecting an alcholic to recover by "limiting" his drinks. He will never get the taste out of his mouth and will eventually go back to binge drinking when the inevitable weak moment hits.

RC, you can SEE this happening in your own marriage. Your wife cannot get the taste of him out of her mouth. You just stopped her attempt to go back for a resumption of binge drinking. Unless something changes, you will be dealing with this again and again and again. I promise you.

Why are you damning yourself to this hard, horrible path? Isn't this like dying the death of a thousand cuts? You have been dealing with this for YEARS and will be dealing with it for years MORE unless you take some action. Please help me understand why anyone would sign on for that, my friend? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Are you so fearful of your wife that you will not protect yourself from her destructive behavior? Because if that is the case, I will just tell you that women do not respect men they can run over. And they do not love men they don't respect. Is fear of her displeasure so strong that you would sacrifice the recovery of your marriage?

Roller,

"The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak". This is straight from the top. Your FWW never intended to get involved with this man to begin with but guess what SHE DID!!!

Intentions are great. But reality is that she can try and fool herself that it doesn't matter if contact resumes or not, I am over him, I am committed to our M, and so on, but she WILL have feelings for him if she sees him, I promise you that. These Feelings that will re-develop are an enemy to the survival and success of your continued R together.

I went to my 25 year high school reunion a few months ago and I sad to say that I saw a couple of girls that I slept with while young, dumb and (well you get the idea)..and I still could remember the night, mood, etc from having sex with them so many years ago. This is why the bible teaches about not having sex outside of marriage. Sex is such an emotional and physical thing that God knew its power to confuse hearts and minds and orderd it within the confines of marriage for this reason. You don't forget people that you have had sex with simple as that.

I will post Dr. Harley's words again:

"Every contact "rekindles" her old feelings for the OM. This is why ending contact is imperative to recovery."

My gut keeps telling me there is more to this than she is telling you.

As the spiritual leader of your family, maybe it is time for you to make the move to another church.

As for your wife and her desire to remain friends with the OMW, I'm sorry but that is just downright cruel to the OMW.

Believe me, if the FOW wanted to be my friend, well, hmmm, let's just say NO! What kind of friend screws your husband?

If I were you, I'd have my PI hat on and I'd be checking like crazy for renewed contact.

KoasterKeith,

Quit coasting through life. I would like you to answer these questions:

1. Do you really want to save your marriage?
2. Do you really want what is right for your kids?
3. Do you really want what is right for your marriage?
4. Do you really want what is right for you?
5. Do you really want to live your life and your marriage with another man involved in it and screwing your wife?

Answer these questions honestly and you will have your answers. If you answer yes then you need to become a man, RIGHT NOW! Defend what is yours. Would you allow this guy to go through your wallet every evening??? Open you front door and just walk right in, unannounced? Walk out with your TV, stereo, other appliances, jewelry?

Basically "Man Up!" Grow some balls and do the right thing! Enforce your boundaries, protect your children from this disease called adultry and protect yourself. Understand that your children need new friends, you need a new church, you need to expose to the world about your WWs affair, you need to be sure OM knows you will not tolerate this behavior and that YOU WILL NOT SHARE YOUR WIFE! WITH ANYONE!

well said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bravo Eagle15. Bravo.

Take it to heart KK. It's time for you to step out of your own fog and see all of this for what it is. There's still plenty of hard work to ahead if you REALLY want to move into the recovery zone. You can do it though. Time to be large and in charge of this situation.

Roller...

"Her point of view is that she has recommitted her life to me and our marriage and I should have nothing to worry about. She just wants things to go back to the way they were before this all happened."

Can you see how this extends her permission to fantasize? She destroyed the past...and took down another family in the process...

I'm concerned she isn't owning what she did...she doesn't "get it" and that is what I would like you to really see.

Your loving, compassionate desire is hurting your marriage. See that your wife is lying...please...she has a fantasy going that she can undo the damage...which cannot be undone...and your compassion cannot make up for her even considering re-establishing your kids' relationship through Betrayed Ex Wife Best Friend.

How horrible would that be? Why inflict more damage and betrayal on this woman, who clearly does not want contact with your wife, for your wife's desire?

Your wife hasn't learned much...she DJs you saying you shouldn't worry, you should trust...when she cannot control that. She can earn trust...see that OM is an enemy to her and her life...and she refuses.

She is putting fantasy ahead of the marriage...please know this. Your marriage is better...when it hits conflict, what then? How will she deal with reality in a healthy way if she still escapes to healing through fantasy?

Believe in yourself, RC...do not be clouded by fear...

LA