I am new to these message boards so bare with me while I get my story out.

My wife and I of almost 5 years (July 28th) have been separated since March. I left the house simply because I was lost. We were high-school sweet hearts and I didn't know if I got married too young, whether or not I wanted kids, whether I married the wrong person, my family and her were pressuring me to start a family, etc. That decision to leave haunts me to this very day.

During our separation I did go on a date with another woman, however never committed adultery or even kissed. To this very day, my wife is my only in both regards and me with her. I am 28 and she is 27 now.

By mid-April I was ready to reconcile with my wife. I had been going to counciling, and found God again. I completely admitted all of my mistakes to her and wanted desperately for another chance. To this day I go to counciling still and church regularly. Unfortunately, my wife fell in love with the single party life. Keep in mind we are both high-school teachers and never went through the typical college life of partying and such. It is not my cup of tea, apparently it is hers. She is hanging around a whole new set of "single" friends and lives on the cell phone and AOL-IM, and drinking. Again, very uncharacteristic of her behavior.

My mistakes as I previously alluded to were a controlling, manipulative behavior due to insecurities and immaturity. Again, things I have changed about my personality, yet it seems too late. In addition, when we were 18/19 she became pregnant which we ended with an abortion. Yet another mistake/regret that still haunts us to this day.

Today, she is full speed ahead with a divorce. Papers haven't been filed yet (I guess), but all of my stuff from our residence is in my parents garage, and she claims she is done, and doesn't love me anymore. She claims she can't get over the abortion let alone everything else she has been through with the emotional abuse (if thats what I did), and the separation (leaving her with no self esteem). Today I am going there to pick out what items I want from the home, and what she wants. This really sucks!

I pray every night and hope for a miracle to occur but my feelings are that she may have met someone else to fill her emotional needs (and maybe physical needs), in addition to her falling in love with the party scene and single girl-friends that she teaches with. In my heart, and maybe out of hope, I feel this will blow-up in her face some day and she will see the grass isn't always greener like she wants to believe. The reverend that married us has tried to reach out to her to counsel her but to no avail. She has no interest in counseling despite the glaring need for it. In addition, she was a baby out of wed-lock to an alcoholic adulterer for a father, and a mother who despite all her fathers indescretions stood by his side and is still married to him today.

My wife says she is doing things for herself now and it almost seems everything I want (reconciliation, her to go to counseling and church) she doesn't just because I want her to.

I guess my question is any similar situations here and what am I to make of all this??? It is not God's will to have us divorced and she seems to put on the front of being happier than ever despite our almost 11 years together. We don't have children even though I realize I want a family now. I have a great family that views my wife as a daughter and have been supportive of a reconciliation. Her family has remained neutral despite being devout catholics, offering her no reconciliation support. HHHEEELLLPPP!!! This is such a sad time!!!

just one small opinion, but it sounds like she is trying the "other" way of life.
if one is a serious, conservative, traditional type and a long relationship goes broke...

it seems normal for some to try the crazy, drinking, single partying atmosphere.

and of course that atmosphere is very unjudgmental and has no rules...freedom. (though its usually a false freedom over time if one overindulges in drinking, sex, drugs maybe too).

but its understandable she seems like a different person, thats what shes trying to be....or maybe she always was deep down?

good luck. She may come back around after she sows her wheats for awhile and has enough of the hangovers and strangers.

What are you doing?..thats the hard part. Putting focus on yourself is the hardest part, let her go, if she comes back then deal with it. But until then- you need to get going and find your own life to concentrate on, maybe?

take this with a grain of salt...if I had answers I wouldn't be in such a mess myself!

SRS1, thanks for the words of advice. I am actually doing a lot for myself for this is definately the hardest part. I am thinking of registering for grad school, and am helping a lot of family and friends out that need the help in their every day lives (should have been doing this before).

A lot of people have said she might come around once she is done "selling her wild oats". I can only hope. Thanks again for your words of advice.

yes, but when she is done sewing her "wildoats" will you want her back? my ex had to sew his too, to the tune of more women than i can count on both hands.....

get on with your life, do all the good things you are doing, pray for her, and move on. you may not want her back when she is done "sewing".... mlhb

hey im in a situation similar to yours i wanted wife to leave she didnt then didnt want kids now i do and through my mental breakdown she had an affair and left me she wants divorce etc. i want to make it work i think you should post in general questions 11 thats where theres more people to give advice johnnylove75@aol.com if you want to talk i could use the talk to maybe we can help eachother im 28 were similar with the wives like the single party life now thhat she never did email me bro im sure well figure it out but listen carefully as long as one person still wants to be married a marriage can be saved we just got to come up with a plan trust and dont sign nothing yet stall i think theres more to this story i can help i am screwed up to but these people here are giving me hope i hope you email

Well, yesterday I sat down with my wife and went over every little thing in our house. We amicably agreed to just about everything, and even shared a laugh and some tears. We talked for a little while and she is clearly living out of fear of a future with me. Not letting go of the past and not forgiving me for any of my past wrong doings. I feel like I am paying the price for her parents infedelity and alcoholism that impacted her childhood more than I could ever imagine. She says she will never put her kids through what she went through as a child. And yet, she blames me for the position we are in today. I spoke with my reverend today and she will eventually go out there and speak with her, but recommended that I give her space and pray for her. It is hard to be near her or even hear her voice for I still feel so in love with her. I pray that some how some way she will get into some counseling. She needs to pursue that avenue but I can't make her want to get help for herself. The rollercoaster ride of emotions and heartache are out of control. I think I have lost 10 years off of my life expectancy because of this whole mess. My question today is does anyone out there believe my wife could simply block out our time together, the abortion, the trauma of her childhood, and the emotional damage of our marriage, and honestly move on with her life with someone else without ever going to couseling? Is this really possible? Is she in a fog, or a storm?

Just a few questions to those of you out there in marriage builder land...

After reading my previous posts, I was wondering if anyone out there has had a spouse (or former one) that was so angry, full of resentment, hostile, and full of blame over past mistakes that it ended your relationship with a divorce. My wife is going through such emotional swings that her anger, resentment, and everything else is clouding the true picture of what went wrong in our marriage. How many times can I apologize, ask for forgiveness, and do everything else right only to end up with complete blame every time? I guess it doesn't help that she has new single friends, and prefers the bottle amd partying like a rock star to counseling.

For those of you that went through anything even remotely similar, how does this usually turn out for the angry spouse? Doesn't she have to forgive and come to terms with her anger before she can move on into another meaningful relationship? HHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPP!

Clingingtohope:

Read some of my posts- been here since january. Had a bit of hiatus, but just posted on Divorce column. Do what is best for yourself. You can't change or control anyone else's behavior. You can only accept or not accept what is shown to you.

It's up to you, but if decide to work on it, you may end up decades later wishing you did something different while you were younger. Do not enable, you can't change anyone but yourself.

not to burst your bubble, every sitch is different, but yes, my marriage ended essentially because my ex was angry at me, harbored resentments, could not forgive, was and still is just downright pissed off at me. so... he went out and had the affairs as revenge to hurt me and the need to hurt me still has not stopped and we have been apart for over a year.

people like that need help, couseling, to learn how to get over anger and resentment and to forgive. my ex is fine as long as everything is going his way. as long as you don't make him mad, he is fine. otherwise, forget it. so yes, that is one big reason why our marriage ended. i was willing to forgive and move on and go to counseling etc... he was not. so, no more marriage..... maybe yours will work out differently, that is just my sitch. mlhb

Dear Clingingtohope,
I am sorry for what you are going through and glad you have someone to talk to. ********edit*********you will find out about ways to save your marriage before it is too late. I went through counseling by myself (cause I was the only one who wanted to stop the divorce) and had amazing success. I think you have lots of hope and less to get over than I did. Lots of luck!

*************JustUss************No advertising without the Harley's prior consent*********

CTH,

Your W is angry and is doing what she wants. Anger causes us to do terrible things or at least think them. My H and I were young too when we M 18 & 19. We are now 38 & 39. Your W doesn't want to see how you have changed...then you would be in idle mode of deserving a divorce instead of a divorce.

idle mode & change...
I wanted change, then I got change, then I'm angry about the change, as in why did you have to put me through that for so long. Now I'm in you deserve a divorce, but I don't want a divorce, but you should be hurt like you hurt me. But if I hurt you, I would feel nasty and you would get the satisfaction of me being a sl_t. Then I might loose what I have worked for over the years...change! So now that he had changed, I must too. I like it better when he just had to change.

Your W may have very good reason to be angry and resentful, she may never forgive you. If you have repented then God forgives you and with that you can move on. That is what I told my H when I was having a good day and not feeling like I wanted to cut his d*ck off and put it down the garbage disposal. No I would never do that, like I said, anger causes us to think awful things. Getting over anger is such a long process.

I think you have already moved on and found God while doing it. Best of luck.