(H and I have been seperated since May 19, he left because of my emotional abuse due to my past with sexual abuse. Which I'm now working on and getting help with! I still have a long road ahead but I'm getting better everyday. He sent me this email the other day: [Don't know what I did to make you mad this morning. I'm sorry to have had to come over and get my stuff. I'll try and leave you alone for
awhile. I'm sorry that I've caused you and your family grief and pain. It's very painful for me what we are going through right now as well. If there is anything I can do to make it less painful for you, please tell me and I will do what I can. I apologize again.] Well, I want to send a response back that is not needy, but is loving, compassionate, and says what I want. I love my H very much and want him to come home. But he just tells me that if he comes home he'll just be miserable, and if I ask that I just want him to be miserable.

Anyway, I just need some immediate advice. Thanks in advance. Here it is:


Hey,

It's very difficult for me to be as loving and as affectionate as I'd like to be when I see you packing up large amounts of clothing to take to your apartment. I was not mad at all the other morning. I was sad, and I was trying hard not to control you or do anything to make you think that I was trying to change your mind. I was merely trying to let you do what you wanted to do.

You asked if there was anything that you could do to make this less painful and I would like to make a request. For my anger issues I'm working with a book right now by Dr. Steven Stosny called "You Don't Have To Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One". This book is written for not only angry and abusive people, but for those who have suffered the abuse alike. There is information online about this book that you can check out at www.compassionpower.com The book is geared toward men, but it applies to women just as well. It would mean a lot to me if you would take a look at this book and see what I'm working on so you can see where I'm headed. I am also working with my counselor and through several Joyce Meyer books to deal with my sexual issues. I understand that you never felt like my husband because of our lack of a sex life. This lack of a sex life was my fault, and I take responsibility for this. I can't even begin to understand the rejection that you must have felt when I could not be a wife to you. I just want you to understand that none of that was your fault. I am doing everything that I can now to work on this.

H, I want this marriage more than anything else. I married you for a reason! This separation is giving me the chance to see the things that I need to improve on and work toward long-term change in my behavior, and I’m making the best of this time. I do not want the marriage that we had before. I do want to work together to build a beautiful and wonderful marriage that we both want. In order for that to happen though, you would need to come home so we could begin to work together to build this very honest and wonderful relationship that we will both want. However, I will not control you or try to influence you in any way. The choice will have to be up to you. I'm ready to begin working toward having a "real" marriage when you are.

I don't like the very last sentence, it sounds a tad snarky to me. How 'bout something like that you are working on your stuff so you can be part of a better marriage. That you are working on this for you and your future and you would love for him to be a part of it.

It sounds like you are only doing this for the marriage, you may want to convey that this is for YOU.

Just my 2 cents

k....this better


....However, I will not control you or try to influence you in any way. The choice will have to be up to you. I am working on long term change of myself so that I can be a better person, and be part of a better marriage. I would love for you to be a part of it as well.

Abused,

You said in your letter
I would replace this with
Abused, you are working on some very deep issues and for that you need to focus on yourself right now. You and H are separated and this actually gives you space to do this without having to deal with marriage issues. However, to rebuild your marriage you and your H will need to become friends again. You may not realize that but from what you have said you have NOT been friends, you have just been married.

So rather than make him change his course and come home, start with friendship. Let him see the changes in you, and seeing you once a week or so or even less for awhile will emphasize the changes YOU are making. That is a good thing.

Abused as you and he get to be friends IF he will allow it, I think the rest will take care of itself, but please realize that your marriage did NOT get in this state overnight and it will take a year or so to make progress. Further, you have been dealing with your abuse issues for years and again it will take a long time to truely conquer them.

Have patience, act with grace, and become a woman your H enjoys being with, first perhaps a movie, then perhaps a dinner, then something else. Let him know baby step by baby step that he is safe with you.

Those are my thoughts on the matter.

God Bless,

JL