i have posted my story earlier but now i have a new question.

my wife told me she didnt have the love feeling for me anymore just a feeling we were friends. i have snooped around and no signs of an affair so im going to keep believing her when she tells me there is no one else until something happens. we have set up MC and start july 28. she said she wants to go and wants the feeling of love for me back.

my question is what to expect from the marriage counselor and how they can bring back her feelings. i dont understand how a counselor can help her love me again if she lost her feelings for me. i guess im looking for some confidence in this working like maybe some one who was in a similar situation and it worked out.

What *SPECIFICALLY* have you done, when you say you've snooped???

It is my opinon, and most likely shared by those on the board that if your spouse comes out of left field with "I love you but not in love with you" (Or something similar) then they are probably having an affair....whether it be an emotional affair or a physical affair.

Please tell us what you've done so far, regarding snooping.

God Bless,

-Caren

i respect everyones opinion and their views. but dont take offense but this is why i posted a new topic. i just want to talk about my above post until i find any proof of an affair. i dont think me and my wife can make this work if i dont trust her now. im not going to turn a blind eye if something happens to where i know she had an affair but i have to trust her know. i just gotta think positive i think.

Hello, an welcome to MB! I believe we haven't met!

CM-is heaed in the right direction. What have you done to snoop because it's really fishy that she would be doing classic "fog talk." The famous statement about not being in love.

Regarding the MC, if yor W is seeing someone else, as I understand it, your wasting your time, money, effort, and energy UNTIL there is NC (No COntact)!

Do you know anything about Plan A?

I want to share with you that ONE OF MY MAJOR REGRETS or ONE OF MY MAJOR MISTAKES was to enable my H's affair for too long. I was in SUCH DENIAL and allowed the affair to go on right in front of my eyes until it was too late. His A started as a FRIENDSHIP which went on for several months before becoming physical. It lasted more than two years before my EXPOSURE which made it even more difficult for my H to break away.

This being said IT IS BEST FOR YOUR MARRIAGE for you TO SNOOP at this point. My H has said that he thought..in justification and rationalization, at that time...that he didn't think I CARED ENOUGH TO FIND OUT WHAT HE WAS UP TO....

So trusting her when there is evidence of an AFFAIR is actually FEEDING IT and ENABLING IT....

Yes, BE LOVING and DO PLAN A..but also SNOOP...EXPOSE THE A if it exists into the LIGHT OF DAY...so that it begins to smell stinky and look ugly....

Everything about her life should be an OPEN BOOK to you anyways...

One thing that my H slowly did to protect himself from being found out was to begin to build a SECRET LIFE which I bought into..Secret cell account..secret money...ways to become MIA (Missing in Action)...

I bought into the sick belief that the OPENNESS that we adhere to now was UNHEALTHY and too "CONTROLLING"..

You should be able to be in contact with her at all times. You should have access to all her bank accounts, etc. Is this the case?

Try to change your thinking on this, I MISS...

Don't buy into her thinking that SECRECY is OK...

Start to snoop...

I was reading up on this in the ART OF WAR and will post on some of this later...

If your wife is having an A, this is a FIGHT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE...

That is the LOVING approach for a H to take...

Standing up and FIGHTING for your WOMAN....
------------------------------------------------------------
PLUS..a MB TIDBIT FOR YOU: The best way to get assistance from this site...which can be a literal lifesaver for you..is to stick with one thread as much as possible..a lot of us lead busy lives and can't hop from one thread to another to help one person..can be confusing..at least, that's the case for me..plus, I have a middle-aged brain.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

How does a counselor bring back your wife's feelings?

They don't. No one can but your wife.

If you've read a lot about Emotional Needs, Love Busters, The Love Bank here on this website, or got the book His Needs, Her Needs, then you know that within a marriage, meeting ENs makes love deposits.

Love Busters make withdrawals...like removing 20 deposits for one LB.

Also, your wife can block your deposits...resentment, anger and frustration can keep your deposits from getting in...they cover up our feelings of love, and our own LBs can, assuming you aren't sincere, don't love her, or not enough, can definitely generate that "I love you but I'm not in love with you statement."

As others have said on this and your other thread...this is in your wife's mind, not within your control...and is the recipe for becoming wayward...

Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

A counselor can challenge your wife to see how much power she has over herself...how you can't make her think, feel or believe anything...her choice...her power...and that choosing to live from feelings is a snake-eating-its-tail kinda choice...because our feelings are our own...they come from our beliefs...we live by our beliefs, in reality...and we get to choose those...

How reasonable is it to think this way? I'm hurt, therefore my H hurt me when he didn't put the mayonaise away...he makes me feel invisible and discarded...and I feel awful, and feel nothing for him anymore.

Hey, it happens. Humans are complex, fascinating and individual...however we all share the same limit and power...and we are all separate and equal to everyone else on the planet. To own what is truly ours--thoughts, feelings and beliefs...to know what we feel is valid, coming from within us, about us...that is where counselors go...and promote communicating what is ours to our partners..open and honest, with ownership...to get through the lies, the misunderstandings we tell ourselves.

Now, what can you expect? Don't expect. Be open to counseling being a place where you are radically honest, an intent listener...where you don't here blame...you hear her truth, not THE truth...and where you own your own stuff.

Find out if this counselor is pro-marriage with infidelity...because a wayward state of mind doesn't mean she's having an affair right now...hasn't made that choice...but is in that state of mind...justifying her choices by her feelings...which is dangerous to your marriage and to you. If the counselor believes in replacing people...moving on when our Love Banks are drained...then your counseling will do more damage to your marriage.

Be aware of your own resentments...pain, fear, anger...get in touch with what you feel and learn how to share what you feel using "I feel" and "I believe" statements...this is part of Harley's radical honesty.

I couldn't do that until I really understood that I had my own truth, my H had his...and that fighting over THE truth of either of our thoughts, feelings or beliefs...was tearing us to pieces...

Knowing this separate truths belief as real is respectful. Respecting you are two separate people in one union through marriage...makes a lot of difference.

Back to expectations...

Expectations are premediated resentments...LostHusband said that. I believe it. I lived it. When we expect our spouses to do or be something, then we take the disappointment of failing our expectations as if they caused it...when it was our expectation...

There's no acceptance in expectation...try to reduce those and be open, instead...keeps you in reality during crisis...which is where you want to be...

Let us know how it goes, 'k?

LA