My H of 31 years is having an A with a W 20 yrs younger who is a friend (??) to both of us. This has been going on for about 11 months although I just found out for sure last week. She is separated from her H (who is also our friend). My H is the pastor of a church (which they attend). Under the guise of "counseling" her, he has now slid all the way into the A. I have discovered graphic, torrid emails from her to him (all are sexual). From her references in the emails, he is talking of their future together and tells her he loves her.

The OW has had 2 A's since we have known her because her H is demanding and abusinve physically and emotionally.

H and I have had problems before (my weight, and lately my "misspending" our money). Our income fluctuates and I haven't gambled or done anything reckless, just ran up a lot of credit card debt for living expenses and H is livid.

Up till 11 months ago, he was sending me emails and ecards and personally telling me that I was the love of his life, that he couldn't ask for a better wife, etc. He has had problems with ED and our sex life which had always been great had gotten pretty awful. He began taking Cialis last summer and from her emails, it must be working.

I accept that a lot of this is my fault because I have been afraid to share the financial situation with him even when he has asked and threatened and I haven't worked very hard at losing the weight. I am a very pretty woman (he said I was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen when I was younger). I make my face and do my hair, try to wear pretty clothers, but I am still 50 lbs overweight. I finally gave him a full accounting of our finances a few days ago and he was fairly calm because he knows he needs my income to work through all this (and be "free").

He would like to believe I am totally at blame, but he is somewhat self-centered and I have catered to him all our married life. I have always done what I thought would make things easier for him.

My H began to withdraw from me emotionally except on a very limited basis as soon as he began counseling her last summer. No hand-holding, no kissing, no sex for 7 months, no fun times together. He told me flatly he didn't want me calling him honey or baby or any of our personal names for each other and he doesn't call me those either unless it slips out occasionally and always accidentally. Yesterday he said, "We just can't talk." Like it's all my fault. We were discussing his brother who is semi-invalid and lives with us. He purposely misunderstands almost everything I say.

I don't know how to make deposits in his love bank because he is so opposed to just about all I do. I have tried very hard to be on the lookout for LBs and avoid them!

I do think he loves me, but he is just fed up with our life and with me especially. I don't think I can overcome this situation because our church is small and the exposure would tear it apart.

It has helped me tremendously just to be able to read this website. Thanks for any comments.

Hi Blue, So sorry to read your story. I must say that I feel you are taking way too much responsibility for this situation. Please remember, this is
his decision
his mistake and
HIS LOSS
You deserve so much better. Im sorry to be so blunt but your h sounds like an absolute pig, more than a little self centred and completely looking for a way to excape the reality of his poor choices.
You should pack him off and enjoy life. Leave him and his floozy to enjoy the miserable life they are creating for themselves. Best Wishes. Bel

Sorry to read your story. You have been with him a long time. a big chunk of your life. Its not easy to walk away with so much time invested. I have been with my WH 31 years also, but found out about his A years later. All I can tell you is when they are in this mode its hard to work with them, they don`t see you as a spouse, just as someone who is in the way. They can be horrible creatures. Work on yourself eat, exercise ect. As far as the church if you want your marriage expose even to the church, everyone. Is`nt your marriage worth trying to save?
Get into IC even by yourself if you have to, it helps. Keep posting on MB the vets here can guide you. And remember it`s not your fault for what he IS doing. They usually blame you for their doings to justify their affair. I know how you are hurting and I understand the pain, but you have some heavy thinking to do and some hard work ahead of you if you want your marriage and it won`t be easy. I too was always giving more and doing more for my WH, I had stopped, seemed when I worked on myself more and got involved with other things he took more notice.I don`t know what ended my WH affair of many years and may never find out but we are in MC and working on our marriage, its been hard and there are still days where I have my doubts and still feel pain and have many questions I need answered, but I know that will come in time.If you love him girl fight, do what you have to EXPOSE.

Your marriage doesn't stand a chance until there is No CONTACT with the OW. You must expose to all who can help influence your husband and the OW. The separated husband and church need to know. Save the emails as your proof. You must be proactive and take care of yourself. If you will not live in a marriage with a 3rd person involved, you must make this clear to your H.

I agree with aptiva and dkljj2005, the church should be informed immediately and the elders (or however it is structured) should take him to task and vote for his removal if he will not give up the A and repent of his sins.

Your WH is no better than psychologists who get involved with their patients, it compromises both the profession and those in similar positions. Now is not the time to worry about exposure tearing apart the church, because letting him run amuck will only lead to more damage. What happens when he decides to begin counseling teenagers? Would you want the rape of a young girl on your conscience? Stop him NOW. Ask for support from the other church members, both emotionally and financially if needed.

When he sees his actions have consequences, he may wake up. In the meantime, you take care of yourself. Lose weight for yourself and your own health, not his benefit. Get some financial counseling to learn how to manage money responsibly. And if you don't already have an outside job, you should begin one now or find training or classes to improve your prospects. You may find yourself on your own when the dust settles, but in that event you will be better prepared.

All the best,

~Silverwraith