Within the last 2 weeks my husband has been very distant. We have had problems in the past (about 2-3 yrs ago) that were brought to my attention in the same manner last time. Last time, I asked him if he was sleeping with another woman and he said no. Last week I questioned him again since he was distant with me but talking quite a bit with a female friend of ours. At that time he stated that he had been with another woman about 2-3 yrs ago. A co-worker of his that I considered to be a friend. Amazingly, I have sought the guidance of God and felt an unbelievable peace and forgiveness. I know that I was a big part of the blame for his straying since I have not been very fulfilling in the sexual relm. He told me last night, that the reason he told me about it this time and not last time because he was hoping that I would want out of the marriage. I know my husband has low self esteem issues and I'm not the best at showing him love, encouragement, support and sexual fulfillment. I know his relationship with God is not close. I have really been trying to be encouraging, supportive and loving to him especially this last week and telling him all the time that I know we can work it out. He doesn't know if he wants to. He says that he has no feelings of guilt or remorse over the affair. He doesn't know if he loves me. He talks about moving out to concentrate on himself right now, but I don't know if that's a good thing. Especially when the place he would move into is not a Christian household. I'm just looking for someone who has been in the same situation that can offer some words of encouragement and maybe some scripture that I can reflect on.

When they say they want to move out, it is just an excuse to carry on their affair freely.

Is the other woman who he talks to married?

It is fog talk when he says he isn't sure or that he told you so you might be encouraged to end the marriage. Read up on fog talk. Oh my, the things they say in the fog. It is distorted thinking at its worse.

No one here can tell you how this will turn out. No one here can tell you exactly what to do. There are no 'onesizefitsall' answers. BUT this is an incredible place to come for input and advise. The Harley concepts really will help you and your h and your marriage.

You need to read everything you can about Plan A and implement immediately.

There is a thread on the "In Recovery" board that you should check out. InADaze has gone through Plan A and Plan B and now her husband has moved back home. You may never get to Plan B ... who knows .... but here is what I would advise. Educate yourself. None of us truly know what will happen next ..... when you have educated yourself fully on the all the strategies .... it is easier to recognize certain patterns from your husband and decide what is best to do next.

READ READ READ

Also, don't blame yourself for his choices. Accept responsibility for your choices/behavior and encourage him to accept responsibility for his choices/behavior and find out what you BOTH need to do to make a stronger, better marriage.

{{{{warm hugs}}}} and prayers for you in this difficult time.

hns

As a man who wasn't getting what I needed from my wife at one time, I can understand how you husband must have felt about your relationship at the time. I can say with confidence that he has talked with this other woman about the problems that he has been having with you and she was willing to give him what he wasn't recieving at home.

Although I don't support anyone having an affair, it must be understood that each individual has certain things that they need in order to feel comfortable in a relationship with someone.

In your case, I will say that the hope for your marriage depends on how much he wants to work on the relationship. Obviously, he has lost any hope of having his needs met by you. I would sugges that you sit down with him and maybe go through the emotional needs questionaire together.

The goal is to find out what is important to him and to find out how to meet those needs in a way that will please him. He must also be willing to do the same for you. You mentioned that you have been trying to be encouraging, but sometimes we can give something to someone and what we give is not done in a way that they can recieve it.

Ask him questions like, "what did the other woman do that you liked?", etc.

trinity

Yes, she is married. As far as I know, the affair ended 3 yrs ago. He stated that he and she both had spiritual convictions. The problem now is that he states that he has no feelings towards me. He doesn't touch me, doesn't say he loves me and could care less about what happens to us. It almost feels as I was the one that had the affair.

Thank you so much for the support and prayers. I really appreciate it. I have already started implementing Plan A actually before I had even discovered this website. So at least I am comforted in the fact that I started on the right track. As I'm sure everyone knows, it's just so hard to love and not be loved in return.

I'm a little confused-he's just become distant in the past couple of weeks, but all you get out of him is an admission to an affair 2-3 years ago? Has he brought it to your attention in these past years his need for sexual fulfillment or is that your opinion?

Please do one thing and don't blame yourself because he was the one that strayed. We all were given free will and HE was the one that made that decision. Even if his sexual needs were not being fulfilled, there are different avenues he could have explored if he really wanted to work on your marriage and it does not include sexual encounters outside of your marriage.

You said that his relationship with God was not a close one. Maybe this is where he should start?

And of course he doesn't feel any remorse, he never suffered any consequences for his actions. Have you ever seen a kid suffer remorse for sneaking that ice cream they've been told they couldn't have unless they were caught. He's admitted this to you 2-3 years down the road-so to him, it's all blown over, it's in the past. He's admitted it and there have still been no consequences.

I really don't know what I would do if I were in your situation, but I will be praying for both of you. Continue to seek God's guidance-best tool you could ever have.

4rabbits

He's suppose to be meeting with a guy at his work that is a pastor for some counseling on Wednesday. Hopefully that will open his eyes. I've really had a hard time today so your prayers are greatly appreciated. As far as the sexual fulfillment, things were brought up, but I didn't realize they were as bad as he thought they were. If I could get some advice. I'm struggling with whether or not I should contact the lady he had the affair with. I want to be sure that he's not still in contact with her. I've really been trying with Plan A, but as I said, today was particularly hard.

{{{{{{{{[[[ashymom}}}}}}}}}}}}

You hang in there. It may not seem like it now .... but things will be okay. You will be okay!

I do not think IMHO that you should contact the ow to verify NC. I don't think you can trust what she has to say. You'll need to verify in other ways. I know for me this was difficult bc I knew he could be in contact with her through work email or phone and I would never know. So I just had to stay vigilant and verify as best I could.

Focus your energy on keeping him at home and continue Plan A. Read as much as you can here to help guide you with no lovebusters, no disrespectful judgments, and learning one another's emotional needs.

Baby steps, ashymom. Take a deep breath and take extra good care of yourself right now. Are you eating? Are you sleeping? You need your strength!

warm hugs and prayers sent your way.
hns

ForeverHers is someone who has shared scriptures and insight on these boards for years now. Use the search engine to locate some of his posts. He has posted mostly on GQ and In Recovery.

I'm going to try to provide a link to one of his posts that I think you'll enjoy.

Let's see if I can make it work!

ForeverHers post

Thank you so much everyone for your prayers, advice and support. I now leave everything in God's hands. Until my husband can experience feelings and emotions and work through his internal issues, all I can do is continue with Plan A as I have been and pray hard all the time. I can guarantee that I am definitely making baby steps and the hard realization is that I have to have God in order to survive the amount of time it's going to take. I just pray that in the process I don't retreat into myself as I feel a lot of times that I don't have someone to talk to. That is why I really appreciate this forum. Thank you all once again.