Hello everyone,
This is my first post, I have been reading lots of other posts and all of the generic info, but I have not found any issue quite like mine. I hope maybe someone can offer insight.
My wife and I have been married for four years, together for 8 years. I am 36 and she is 27. I am a very physical person, I work out in the gym, as well as boxing with a pro boxer, a lot of physical labor as well. My profession is in sales.
My wife is not quite as active as I am, but very attractive. Small waist, large chest, long blond hair, good looking. The only thing about her that I don't like is her butt. It used to be small and tight, but has slowly lost those features and become a little bigger, little lese firm, and some cellulite. This is a turn off for me.

Before we met, I was fairly promiscuous. She was not. Our sex life together has never been very good. When we first met, I wanted her physically, but she made me wait for a couple of months (something I was not used to)
As time has gone by, we no longer have sex (it has been 8 months since the last time)
I have no desire for her. I can look at her, lay naked in bed with her and have no desire to have sex at all. We have talked about it, and she has tried to be understanding, but it is becoming strained.
I have plenty of desire for other women, so I know it is not physical on my part.
We get along fine, love each other, do things together. Everything else seems fine. Just the no sex thing.
What to do ?????????

From a 27 yr old woman's perspective, my initial thought was: "get over yourself, you're too superficial and getting close to 'mid-life crises' age".
More kindhearted, I ask if you have any other problems with her besides that [her butt]? You mentioned that she isn't as active as your lifestyle makes you: are you turned off because you think that she is a lazy lump or something?
Admittedly, my own sex life isn't happening either. After some self evaluation I found out that there were. other things about my husband's actions/deeds that I found so hurtful that it has spilled over to the marriage bed. Also, I realized that I feel like I don't know who he is and therefore would feel like I'm sleeping with a stranger; I'm not promiscuous in nature, so even though we are married, it wouldn't feel right sleeping with someone I don't know. See where I'm going? Evaluate your true feelings and make sure its not something else that you've overlooked or ignored that might be causing the problem.

1issue...

Welcome...and Welcome to Kenneka...

Have you been reading the articles on this website? About Emotionals Needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs), the Love Bank?

Sexual Fulfillment (SF) is an EN...one of many. It isn't physical...it is based in emotion. Sounds womanly, doesn't it? Dr. Harley put it there...and relates it to the EN of Affection.

It's valid.

Comparing your wife to other women would be a destructive choice...in your thoughts and fantasies...that makes her anyone, and she isn't. She's your wife.

The Rules of Marriage are awesome...might want to check out those, as well...

You say, "Everything else seems fine" and that's like a death knell. You have a huge elephant in the middle of your marriage...this SF issue...and I'm sure she has a huge elephant, too...how much do you guys share your thoughts, feelings and beliefs? How much do you talk about the elephant, what he looks and feels like...how much you fantasize about other women?

You said you talked about it and she tried to be understanding...does that mean she heard your concern, your lack of desire, and acknowledged she heard? What did she feel? What does she believe is your problem? How loved does not having SF for eight months feel like to her?

Tell us more...it's important. If you want more traffic for your post, you can cut and paste it to the Emotional Needs forum...I hope Kenneka will follow...and post more.

LA

Backing up LA's comments.....Take her advice. Post on EN.

Listen sweetie , you wont like what I have to say but without doubt deep within you will know it has ytruth. I am a woman who has endured countless hours of counseling over a shallow h who complained about body parts (he looked at too much porn) Regardless the bottom line is....
THIS IS NOT A SEXUAL ISSUE THIS IS AN EMOTIONAL ISSUE AND ITS ALL YOURs.Some therapist call it immaturity but most call it insecurity (your own) you are projecting your insecurities onto your wife.
Let other get on and justify your behaviour by talking about your 'needs' Call it what you want its rubbish......the obvious question is
What happens when you meet the next perfect woman (one of those you desire and her butt sinks or her face wrinkles or boob droop or etc etc...
The point is at some point you are goinbg to have to face the fact that all of us age and changeat at this point in your spiritual, emotional development you are incapable of a lasting enduring relationship which includes desire with anything but a rubber dolly....

So boy (and I say boy rather than man, do wifey a favour , cut her loose so one of the (undoubteldly many men) who desire her can bring her happiness and off to the rubber dolly factory for you...

I'm going to take a slightly different tack to some of the other responses I've seen here.

It sounds to me like "physical attractiveness" is one of your higher ENs, probably even higher than SF (hey, if you can go without SF for 8 months, perhaps SF isn't one of your highest ENs).

Unfortunately, it can be quite difficult to talk to someone close to you about something like this. Behaviour is fairly easy to change. Physical characteristics - not so easy.

I think that you need to talk to your wife about this issue, but frame it terms of unmet ENs in general. While talking, I suggest that you pay particular examine what her unmet ENs are as well, instead of just focussing on yours. I'll bet that the SF problem is likely being caused by much more than just what her butt looks like.

it sounds to me like you are looking to understand why you have no desire for your wife.
it sounds like you do find her attractive....and you are looking for something that turns you off about her (maybe her butt?) because you really can't figure out what the problem is.

i know i felt like this about my H for awhile.
i worked a gym, i saw athletic hard bodies all the time and i was in pretty good shape myself....i thought about sex all the time. i fantasized about it. i fantasized about sex w/ my H.....so, it wasn't that i lacked desire.......but, when we were in bed together.....i felt nothing.
i would look at him and try to come up w/ body parts that i wasn't attracted to...i hated his feet... his pale skin.... his hair....his butt,his shoulders, etc.
i didn't like the way he dressed....the car he drove... his job etc.

you say you have discussed your lack of desire for her and that she was understanding.....may i ask for some more details on that conversation?
does she say she misses sex with you? have you tried to have sex? how did that go?

did you tell her you desire other women? did you tell her her butt is a turn off to you?

you also said you get along fine and that you do things together.. how much time do you spend together?
undivided attention do you give eachother?
and, what type of things do the 2 of you talk about?
is she affectionate in non sexual ways?
doe sshe compliment you....do you feel she appreciates you?

Man in need plaese explain to me how telling your wife her butt fails to meet your EN helps anyone.....
What a crock......maybe its time some men accepted the fact that we all change eventually in ways that are beyond our control.
We're not talking here about changes from laziness or lack of excercise but rather natural aging....HEEELLLLOOOOO are butt eventually droop (most of them.) Why are people sympathizing with this shallow little man instead of telling him that he needs counseling to deal with the fact that he cant deal with perfectly normal aging and changes?????

I say, if you don't like her butt, don't look at it. Focus on the positive aspects of her body. Don't mean to sound harsh, but am sure that you have a body part somewhere that's not in the best shape either. If her butt is the only problem that you have with her, then I think you should consider yourself lucky-it could be so much worse.
I'm going to make my comments short because in my opinion, this is the most shallow subject I've ever seen posted on this board.
4rabbits

i have to agree that it sounds REALLY shallow, but i am hoping the poster realizes that and realizes that if he is not sexually attracted to his wife, it is not a simple as her butt.
not sure what his problems are...he has not told us enough....but,(no pun inteneded) it's not her butt.

I don't understand why he expects her butt to look like it did when they first started dating 8 years ago. He is comparing a 19-year-old butt to a butt that is almost 30. That doesn't seem fair to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't think the problem is her butt I think that is his excuse. Cellulite is a fact of life for 90% of women. It's unfortunate and unsightly but it usually happens to most of us eventually, even the skinnest women can get it. Women have more layers of fat in their hips, butts, and thighs then men do. She would have to do some serious weight training to eliminate that cellulite. But that isn't really the point anyway.

You said your sex life has never been any good anyway. So if it wasn't good when her butt was acceptable to you then why are you blaming her butt for making it bad now? You decided to marry a woman that you didn't have good sex with and now you want to play the blame game. It takes two my dear, have you ever considered that your performance may not be up to par and that is why you don't receive the response you want from her? Just because you were more promiscuous that she was doesn't mean that you learned how to be a good lover. More partners doesn't mean anything except that you had sex with a lot of women. Each of us is different what you learned from one doesn't always apply to the next.


You need to go to counseling with your wife and you could use a few sessions alone too.

You kind of remind me of a guy in college when we were looking at a hot chick he said; "She is not so great, she has fat ankles". Well your sensitivity is not very good but I think you were just trying to be honest. The only fault you found was her butt.

How many women on this whole website come on here saying they have no sex drive for their husband? A lot more women come on saying they have these problems yet they are not treated the same way as a guy would be. Maybe because they do not ask the question as abruptly as you do.

I would guess if you were a woman people would say your spouse is not meeting your needs! That may be true or not but you are not the only one in that boat.

My wife use to say she did not have the desire for me either. I could not get to the bottom of why so I cannot help there. I did find out that she did have the desire to bang at least one other man so I guess it was me after all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

My point in this is if you really want to get to the bottom of this go get professional help! This is a very complex subject and I am not sure you will get good advice from anyone including me.

These problems can lead to the end of the marriage. I should know it is happening to me right now. From what you described your wife sounds like she is very attractive. I am sure there will be several guys standing in line to meet her need for sex if you are not willing to do it. My point is you do not want to let another man into your house do you?

I understand you seem to be confused on why you do not have the desire but my wife and a lot of other women on this site say the same thing. They do not know why but they do not desire their husbands. When I asked my wife or other women many of them just say they don't know why they have no desire and I am sure that is true in a lot of cases.

Just please get some help from a professional! If your marriage is important to you it is well worth the time and money.

Thanks for the responses. Quite a variety.
It is true I am usually straighforward, or blunt. Not always politically correct. The reason I included the information I did, was to try to give some insight from my point of view.
As far as being shallow, maybe it is. It is not intentional, I have tried to focus on the good things, butt (pun intended) to no avail.
We have gone to counselling, both together and separate. Several different ones in fact. Nothing really came out of it. All sorts of strange "techniques". No go as far as I was concerned.
As far as it being easier to change behavior than physical characteristics, I disagree. I have proven that you can change your body. It is a matter of education, sheer force of will and determination. Not that tough.
Changing mental attitudes is not so easy, at least not for me. All of the women who say that it is "natural" for them to sag and fall lose thier attractive body shapes are making excuses.
The member "letmejustsay" has said it is an insecurity on my part. What exactly do you mean ? Insecurity about what ? If you have some insight other than "cut her loose so someone else can satisfy her" I would be interested to hear it. I am not sitting around looking at porn, I don't even own any.
Moving on ...
Yes, it is a big elephant in the room. We talk about it, but don't really get anywhere. We both know it is a tough situation. I don't like to see her hurting. And she does not make sexual advances toward me either. She says it is too hard for her now. So we are in a bit of a standoff.

Now, on to the butt issue. This got a lot of attetion, not sure why. I was only trying to illustrate one possible component. It is the one thing I could put my finger (figuratively speaking) on. I am not exactly in touch with all of my inner workings, so I picked a physical component. And yes, I am affected by the physical. Maybe this is not the perfect way to be, but that is how I am.
As far as emotional needs, this I am not so sure about. We do spend time together. We camp, cycle, time alone at home, cook together, etc etc. She does things for me she knows make me happy and vice versa.

She had some theories about the problem. She thinks it may be because I had taken care of her emotionally for a long time that I have become like a "father figure" and cannot see her as a woman. Not sure if that is true, but it is as good a theory as any I have heard. Even so, how would one oversome this.
My issue is that I am not attracted sexually to her. I cannot explain exactly why. If I could, I would do so. I am looking for ideas, past experiences, anything that I can take and use as a place to start.

Thanks for all the responses.

1issue, how you think sagging of breasts can be corrected short of surgery is beyond me...No amount of excercise in the entire world will 'repair lax skin...no will incredible amounts of willpower..

Far short of saying that it is inevitabler that we sag and lose attractiveness. I do not believe sagging causes any loss of attractiveness. In fact I believe it causes an increase to the men whose ws look that way as a result of bearing their children. In other words...it is you who believes sagging breasts are unattractive ...not me...

As far as your insecurity.....any man who focuses on such a petty issue clearly has difficulties with intimacy and fails to seehow true relationships do not focus on the shape of a partners body part....
From what you say you expect your wifes body to look the same as the day you met her until the day she dies....and this is simply ridculous and not going to happen...AS YOU ARE FINDING OUT...

Please get help or at least give her a chance at happiness with a man who appreciates, desires and lusts after every part of her...Surely you can see that this is the only honorable thing for you to do...after all she gave up her butt to have YOUR BABY...dont you owe her anything??????


Give her a chance to meet a man who wanrts every inch of her...there out there you know....and off you go to rubber land

1issue,

Have you ever had problems with your erections? Have your erections changed in any way? Since you have been body building? Do you take body building supplements? Test? Dec?

How often do you masturbate? Have you noticed any changes there?

I am not a bodybuilder, have never taken any type of steriods. I only stay in good shape, not a gorilla like muscleman.
No erection problems.
AND WE DO NOT HAVE ANY KIDS. I NEVER SAID WE DID. SHE HAS NOT HAD ANY CHILDREN EVER. This has nothing to do with the issue. If I put her through the nightmare of having kids, then I would understand more the body changes, ecpecially as she aged.
Her butt is only a minor part of this issue.
I am not interested in getting into a battle with anyone over how to change a body or how they feel about themselves after kids. Just looking for some insight or ideas on what may cause lack of desire for your partner.
Thanks

Hi 1issue, fair enough if you state that you would be more understanding of the issues but perhaps changes in her 'butt are more about aging that 'letting herself go?? Just an idea.
As far as your assumption that this is about how people feel about themselves after the nightmare of having children, sorry but your wrong. I actually enjoy my body a LOT more since kids and think it is more attractive but yes my h did coimplain about some changes. (he's now changes his sorry arsed whining but thats another story lol) I dont know whether or not you will ever decide to have children but believe me ..ITs no nighmare....
I like that you acknowledge that her butt is a small part of the issue. The way I took it it was the only issue..my mistake....To me my body was a girls body before kids and is now the body of a woman, as it should be with curves in all the right places....)
Look, the honest truth, perhaps counseling might be an option if your really interested in saving the marriage. I do believe it can be saved but only if you both really really want it. Would this be an option. Have you discussed your feelings with your wife. You clearly care enough about the m to ask advice so it seems promising in that way?

Just another comment...take it or leave it as you please....
I wont go into my drawn our saga with you..but suffice to say my h complained that my breasts were too large. (yes, too large) Anyway after much counselling and soul searching on both our sides I can perhaps offer a little insight.
The therapist we saw explained that my h was using my breasts as an excuse for a lack of desire. He did not do this deliberately it was subconscious.
Basically the idea was that he had come to associate sex with purely the physiacl side of attraction and there was a failure to integrate his emotional feeling for me with his sexual... (hope that makes sense, thereapists words not mine) He was required to do a lot of inner work. For him it was about insecurity , a fear of rejection etc (not saying thats you but for him it was). As he started to work with the t he began to change. Saying he loved me caused him to get an erection...something that had never happened...same with having loving thoughts about me. Im not saying the visual failed to excite him anymore it simply took second place to the emotional arousal he bagan to experience for the first time in his life. He told me it was a completely new and wonderful experience for him.
Unfortunately in our case there was too much water under the bridge and I simply couldnt bring myself to get past his negative comments..
I dont know whather any of this relates to you or not or even makes sense. Like I said take or leave it....for some reason I felt compelled to write it....Good luck

1S,

I was wondering when you would answer the questions I asked.

What emotional need does SF represent to you?

LA

LA,

I have no idea how to answer your question. As far as I can tell, SF is mostly a physical need. The only EN it may fulfill is the hunter / conqueror need. I am a strong willed person, and I tend to use sex as a "finishing" move. It is the proof that I have achieved my goal of "winning" the female. After that, I ususally lose interest (99% of the time). I am sure I will take a lot of heat for that comment, but it is the truth.
This is not to say that I do not enjoy sex, because I do. Every aspect, and I am quite open minded. I have lost my sex drive, as I am attracted to other women.
It feels good to be able to "hunt" and bring home the prize, in this case the woman. I have had several serious relationships previous to being married, they ended badly. My feelings and pride were hurt. After a couple of those, I became more closed off to my "emotions". Makes things a lot easier. BTW sex in my previous serious relationships was absolutely no problem, in fact it was one of the highlights.

Love and sex no longer have any direct correlation for me I guess. That had never been a problem before.
I have a lot of loving feelings for my wife. She is the best person I have ever known. I care for her, but cannot see her as a sexual being. It seems to conflict with the caring feelings I have for her.

LMJS,
Thanks for your last post. That is what I am after. The things you said there made sense. Even though circumstances are not exactly the same, there may be a common thread somewhere.