My ex ww has gone nuts. She is knee deep in the fog and living in a fantasy land. I gave her a quick, no contest divorce back in March. Since then she's been on myspace and going out with many different men. She also goes clubbing every weekend. This is the 26 year old mother of my 3 kids.

I went to her place Sunday to drop the kids off and sat down and talked with her for a few minutes. I asked her if she was interested in anything with these men and she said no. All she wants is their companionship, friendship, and to hang out and have fun. Says she has too much on her plate for relationships and finds it odd that I check out her blog and her "friends" blogs.

I told her that it is unrealistic for her to think I wouldn't be curious considering the fact that she's been in my life for 7 years.

Of course, I don't understand why it has to be with strangers while the man that has been in her life and fathered her 3 kids barely gets the time of day.

I was a good husband and a good father. I am 33 and have no desire to go clubbing or really to date. I think all of this stems from her sexual abuse as a child and the fact that I married her when she was 22. I feel like she's acting like she feels that she missed out on things.

So when will reality set in? Any FWS out there wake up AFTER the divorce and realize what kind of ****** and damage they had done?

I'm really looking for inputs here. My family and friends tell me to never forgive her and reconcile with her after all she's done, yet I can't help but think of my kids. If I reconciled I know what kind of father they would have in their home and I would sincerely try to work on our marriage if she was willing to put in the effort.

At the same time, after so much has happened, how can I ever trust her again. Keep in mind, this is the woman that I ran into in the mall on a date while I had my three kids and saw her later making out with this guy. Found out afterwards the guy has a girlfriend and my ex ww knew this.

He is just one of her many "friends". What the ****** is going on?

Papa,

I too have a WW and STBXW. This woman I once loved and cherished has become the devil himself. And, let me tell you that while I will never say never about anything I will tell you that if something happened and she woke up from this unbelievable fantasy world she now resides that it would be entirely on her to show and prove to me that she is a changed woman. Even then I highly doubt I could take her back even though I would want to consider it for our kids (I am filing for full custody in my case, so a little different here). You nor I can't sat around waiting for them to get it, been there did that, bought the t-shirt and it did nothing but make me miserable and an emotional wreck. Move on, take care of your children and protect them, document your case for change in custody if it warrants and take her back to court. Sounds as if she is unfit to have the children. Love yourself again. This is hard but its the place to start. Love yourself and someone will love you too.

Great question!

I ask myself that too.

WH and I are in the midst of D. He is living with OW, 17 years younger. She's still M. He appears happy.

I know it's not over till it's over, and I hope that he wakes up before the D is final, but I think his pride won't let him. He still hasn't admitted he's even in an A!

People too have told me I'd be an idiot to ever take him back after all the he** he's put me and the kids through. But like you, I still can't help think of the kids and if D is the best thing to do.

Very confused.

Hoping to get some answers on this question too.

Does reality ever really set in?

hopeandpray, Words of wisdom for sure and catgirl, the only reality you should be concerned with is your own. Why try to predict the future of another unpredictable human being?

I say this but at the same time have my own private h3ll that I am living and mostly because I haven't been able to maintain control over my life. So, do as I say and not as I do....

BS

Barkingspud's advice is good. Work on yourself; be a great father to your children, and try to think of reconciliation with your ex as a preference, not a need. Stop worrying about what she is doing and get your life going in the direction you want. Focus on your own goals and don't count on her being in the picture.

I'm not trying to kill your hope, just letting you know that the best course of action is to get your own life together. Maybe she will come back to you -- at some point WSs do return to the scene of their crime, but often just to test the waters (checking to see if you still want them back) -- but don't count on it.

All this is easy to say, hard to live with. Give it your best and good luck.

Thanks for all the words. I really appreciate them.

I am planning on filing for a modification of custody. I'm giving her enough rope to hang herself. The more she lets me have them, the less ammunition she will have down the road. She's let me have them every single weekend I've been in the area. I've had them generally all day Friday, all day Saturday, and sometimes on Sundays as well.

Now that I have my own place I've had them 2 weekends in a row for overnights on Fridays and Saturdays. I have kept a log of all of this and hope she will let me have them during the week as well.

I'm being nice and friendly to her so she lets me have the kids as much as possible. This works against her down the road since the courts will see that I am a capable parent and deserve 50/50 custody, if not primary. I'm documenting everything and am keeping a journal of all the things she does.

Everytime I call and the kids are being watched by her parents or the nanny so that she can go out clubbing or on dates.

So, any WS come back from the brink of divorce?

My family would go nuts if I decided to reconcile, but I can't help but think of my kids. See, I KNOW what kind of father and man they will have in their lives. I don't want to risk, especially with her past abuse, what kind of disaster she'll bring to their lives.

Please, I really want to hear from WSes and hopefully hear some things which will help me understand her behavior.

I love hearing from everyone, so please share your stories. There's several of us BSs that really want the inputs.

i know of people i know who have regretted it thats why im fighting so hard not to give up
after a while people will move on but ive known people who divorced and totally regretted it for a long time

She's now telling me that I can't see the kids except for weekends. She's finally backed me into a corner and has left me no choice but to take leagal action.

It is so hard to keep emotions in check at a time like this. If I could I would go on myspace and create a blog with her worst pictures and write all of her "friends" and tell them about all the things she has done along with the cheating, the anxiety attacks, phantom illnesses, irritable bowel syndrome and all the crap I put up with from her but didn't care about because I loved her. I looked past all these things and stood by her side when she was going through them. I did it because it was my duty as a husband.

It cost me a promotion since I fought hard with my leadership to be there for her.

I know doing this on myspace would accomplish nothing. It would only add more fuel to the fire and make things worse.

Contempt of court is another matter. That she's truly in violation of.

There is no true answer to the question you are presenting. Some WS's snap out of it eventually, others never appear to.

I had a relationship with a woman for three years while in my 20's. She ended up similar to your wife. Suddenly had a small encounter with another guy and the next thing I knew she was dating and clubbing like a party animal.

Three years later she calls out of the blue and is apologetic, and says I was the best boyfriend she had. I was to be married in three months and I was happy to have that closure, nothing else though.

Anyway. If you buy into the concept of affairs being like addictions, you can see that your ex wife is stuck in the early lust/attraction stages of relationships. She hops around getting the excitement she is looking for, but the excitement is not found in the men she sees, but rather the novelty of the relationships.

In the long term she may or may not see the futility of this path. However, I truly believe true happiness is found in the attachment love that is created long term relationships and marriages.

Papa...

what was the result of the first custody ruling?

Standing in His Presence

There was no custody ruling. It was a no contest divorce. The agreement states that we will have joint legal custody. It says that the children shall reside with the mother pending reasonable visitation by the father.

That's pretty much what it says.

Do they snap out of it?? Sometimes.....but usually not...

Look, some of us get divorced...and reconcile....then recover...see my story



Let this be a lesson for those that hate the idea of "squabbling over details"...

joint custody only means that you both have a say in how they're raised and that you have certain rights. The term joint custody is not really defined in the law here in NY...reality is the person with PHYSICAL custody is person in charge....if you're late returning children you can be arrested for kidnapping...if she is you can take her back to court for violating an agreement...which is really a civil issue...screwed up isn't it??

DEFINE what time, what days, B-days, holidays, Mothers day, Fathers day, school vacations. What time you get them and when you drop them off.....EVERYTHING!!!

Her idea of "reasonable" and yours were clearly different....

Good luck

Really? I thought that most WS did regret it - in the end. Of course, there's no telling how long that will be, or indeed, whether they will actually admit it when it happens.

My divorce was final a few days ago. I was the one who filed. My XH is marrying the OW soon, and they want to have children.

For the sake of any other children born, I kinda hope XH doesn't wake up and regret his actions... I certainly don't want him back, anyhow!

Alph.

About 3 years after our D, my 1st wife wanted to return. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. I already had 19 years of missery married to her, I had the kids, so I told her no. I had moved on.

Work on yourself. If she wants to join you later, it will be on your plan.