Well, my wife is downstairs with her thoughts and feelings. She said that she just could not deal with her emotions and mine at the same time, which makes sense.

I want to explain what happened and hopefully get some support, you folks helped me to come clean about a brief affair I had two years ago, and I appreciate it. I am not explaining to make excuses, but rather for context and in the hopes I can help someone else. In particular, I would greatly appreciate it if all of you would take a moment to post a few words of encouragement to my wife, who really needs it right now. I will direct her here to read them later. Not her real name, but please call her "Annie." She will recognize this and my screen name and know this is from me.

A woman that has been friends with my wife and I for several years now and I had an affair in which we culminated a long run of (what started as) innocent flirtations with three instances of marital infidelity on my part, and betrayal of a friend (my wife) on her part. These three times were all in a one week period, after which we felt so bad about it that we agreed to never do that again. We both felt at the time that it would not do any good to tell my wife as it would only hurt her. I had no intention of betraying her again, and have not, so felt it was something that could just be forgotten. I was wrong.

At the time this happened, I was feeling pretty bad about myself, fairly lonely, feeling that my wife didn't want to spend time with me, etc. I was spending a lot of time with the OW and as most of the stories go, she made me feel good about myself. None of these are good excuses. I knew better and should not have done it. I encouraged it to happen through the flirtations, I let it happen, I could have and should have stopped it, and didn't. I accept full responsibility for what I did.

Almost two years have passed in which "Annie" and I have been working on our marriage. We have grown so close, it's really amazing. I have never had a relationship like this, it is a complete turn-around from back then. And yet, I had this awful secret and awful guilt haning over me.

Shortly after the affair, I cam here and started reading this board. I learned a lot. I learned that the only way to get past it was to tell the truth. Only, frankly, I didn't have the gonads to do it. I was afraid of hurting "Annie" and was afraid of having to face the music.

Well, today I decided that the only way I could ever have the REAL relationship that I wanted with my wife was to tell her the truth. I told her. She was rightfully hurt, rightfully angry, and is still so. Yet, she was so sweet to me despite what I had done. Through her pain, she was able to reach out to me and reassure me that she would not leave me and that we would work through it.

My love, again, I am truly sorry for what I did, and I will never hurt you like that again. I am telling you here again, in front of the world, I was wrong, you did nothing wrong, and I am so, so sorry for hurting you. If you ever forgive me, it will be more than I deserve. Know that I am here if you want to talk or if you need a shoulder to cry on. I am not that same guy from two years ago, not the guy who spent all of his time feeling sorry for himself and used that to justify an affair. Not the same guy who couldn't tell you out of fear of you leaving me or having to face that pain in your eyes. I am the man who loves you more than anything or anyone in the world and would never hurt you again. Know that.

{{{{{Annie}}}}}}}}}

So sorry for what you are going through! Your h is wise to introduce you to this website. I hope that you will come here on your own and seek the comfort and help of many others who understand what you are going through.

Ahnold, it took great courage to tell your w. You both are going through a very painful experience. I hope you can reach out to give and accept comfort from one another. You need to get back into the groove reading and posting here at MB. I think it will help you help your w and yourself through this pain.

I have to ask .... is there still contact with the 'friend'? If yes, you know that absolutely no contact will be necessary for your wife to heal.

best wishes for you both
hns

Annie

I am so sorry you have to go thru this pain. I know I am there as well.
I hope you will find the strengh to continue building your M and make it even better... from now without secrets.
In all this pain it looks like you have a wonderfull Husband who made a huge mistake but had the courage to tell you. Who love's you enough to tell you the truth and is right there so you both can survive this.
If you read here other posts, don't let your self down by it, most of us don't have honest husbands. This pain going to be hard to overcome, but with your H support, it will be easier and faster then for most of us.


Ahnold
Well I feel glad for you to have valued the truth above all. I can only wish you can both "finally" have the BEST relatonship ever. Based on total honesty.

Hi Ahnold,

You took a very brave step in telling your wife... what's your plan to SHOW your wife that you are changing yourself and won't make the same bad decisions again?

If you guys aren't in MC, then YOU need to make it your top priority and set it up... if you are a person of faith, some larger churches offer MC that can be very helpful. Your every ACTION needs to reinforce to your W that you will never do this again. It will take a long time for her to even begin to trust you, but if your ACTIONS are trustworthy over a very long period of time, she may begin to trust you.

Annie - I've been where you are. My wife had multiple A's over a three year period during our first three years of M... I found out about one A and suspected another, but didn't have a clue on the other ones. It took her 10 years to finally come clean with all of her past A's.

I know that your world has been ripped apart and that you are hurting in ways that you never thought you could hurt... so I'm not about to tell you that "everything will be OK" right now. Watch your H's ACTIONS and when he finds a good pro-marriage MC, please consider going with him...

There are many people here that have been through the very same thing that you are experiencing. Many of them have done the hard work and rebuilt their marriages into something better than they ever dreamed it could be. My W and I made it through our mess, but it wasn't easy.

It takes a lot of work from both of you, but you CAN get through this... I hope that you'll read all of the articles here on the web site and that you'll decide to go to MC with your H.

Semper Fi,
RIF

I hope that Annie will continue reading and posting. This betrayal stuff comes as a terrible shock, and added to that is the betrayal by her friend.

It will take a long time for her to recover from the double blow, and there will be a lot of ups and downs.

Annie,
I know things are difficult for you right now. You're in a good place (site) to get the support you need. Two years is a long time to conceal an affair, especially an A that took place with someone you knew and probably trusted. Right now, your mind is probably recounting those past 24 months and trying to make sense of everything.

Take the time to ask your H why he made the choices he did and think back to that time as to how things really were going in your relationship. I've read a lot on this site about Love Busters (LB) and Love Banks. Take this opportunity, when he's willing to talk through your relationship, ask the questions you need to ask, listen to his responses, express your feelings, and work to build your M to a stronger level. As you can see, I'm a junior member, but it hurts all the same. My dad had numerous affairs on my mom and it's taken me a long time to heal from that pain. Now I'm suspicious of my H's actions and unfortunately broke the LB with disrespectful judgments and failed to meet his ENs. Now he's engaged in at least one EA. Read "Surviving an Affair", go to MC and even IC.

You can get through this!

Your H took a difficult but important step. I think he's caused several site visitors to take a hard look at their own pasts and make a crucial decision to come clean, despite their current situations....

nordstrom

If anyone has, I would be very humbled by all of this. God works in strange ways.

Thank you for the very nice post to my wife. We just got back from a very nice evening out together. Feeling closer and starting to heal I think. I know there will be ups and downs, but I know we are going to make it.

Thank you all. I am continuing to read both here and on the GQII board. I have been able to see my IC now and am starting on developing some plans of action to better deal with this and not let it all destroy me or our marriage.

I have specifically cut the OW out of the picture. She is bitter and has tried to abuse my husband for telling me, but I am not letting her get away with it. As hard as it is for me to say this, I'm glad he finally "fessed up" because it truly is the only way to have an authentic marriage, and that means more to me than anything else.

Glad to hear your're on the right path and starting the long journey to recovery.

Ahnold:

My husband also confessed an affair to me long after it ended and also after a period in which our marriage had gotten stronger than it had ever been.

He confessed for the same reasons you did, because the guilt finally began to eat him alive and because he knew that the knowledge of what he had done would always stand between us. That we could never take our improving marriage to its greatest heights with such a lie still being told.

I've told him many times that telling the truth was the bravest thing he has ever done and the greatest gift he ever gave me.

I believe that is true even though the knowledge of the affair devastated me and filled me so full of rage that I was ****** to live with for a full year.

I will tell you the same things I told him. It took an incredible amount of courage and love to tell your wife the truth. Congratulate yourself and be proud. Many people go through life with such secrets and therefore make their lives and their marriages a lie. You had the character to take the right path. Bravo.

I hope now that you will finish the job. I hope you will listen, empathize and sympathize with the soul-deep hurt that will hit your wife in waves over the coming months. Some of that hurt will be expressed as rage. Some as deep disappointment, and some as sorrow so profound that tears don't even touch it. Count on that. Be as ready as you can be for it. It is a hard thing to see and feel, that soul-deep pain, no matter which way she expresses it. She needs to express it, and much of it needs to be expressed to you. And it will need to be done over and over and over again.

I hope you will show her compassion and put her healing first, before your comfort, before your ego, before your own healing. That is an amend you can make for the terrible wrong you have done her, and it is what is needed to heal your wounded marriage.

Best of luck to you. You have taken a huge first step. Don't stop now.

Tru

PS: I also want to say that during the times when her pain wells up she will probably not have the control over herself that she normally would. I know I certainly didn't. I hope you are strong enough to cut her a break when she is so overwhelmed by pain that she lashes out at you in ways she never has and likely never will again after she heals from this heartbreak.

I liked your post, thank you. I appreciate that you took the time to write it. You are a very compassionate person.

This will most likely be my last post. My wife asked that we no longer post here and I will honor that (see her posts over on GII, she is Feelingfoolish).

For everyone that tried to understand and help us, thank you. For everyone who was looking for ulterior motives for me being here...well, I am chocking up your comments to your pain from your own experiences. I truly came here and introduced my dear wife to this site for the sake of our marriage. These discussions were just too painful for her (and me as well). A lot of people didn't want to take me at face value it seems. Am I in pain? Yes. It's killing me. Each time I see that look of betrayal realized in her eyes, my heart is crushed. Not for me, for her.

So thank you all, and goodbye. We will be okay, it will just take time. My love has found an incredible inner strength. She wants to put all of this behind her and heal, and I want that too. We have to stop worrying it like a sore tooth. We set time aside to talk about it each day, but only what she can stand. The rest of the time we live our lives, love our children, and love each other. We got over her EA, we will get past this.

For all of you in pain, feeling lost, betrayed, and foolish, hang in there. You are valuable. Find whatever help you need, take care of yourselves. This too shall pass and you will be a wiser person.

For all of you who have strayed, do what you can to make amends, or at least peace. Life is too short, love too fleeting, friends too few. Take time to heal yourselves, learn the reason you strayed, accept that you are human.

Bye.

TruBluz,

I just had to say, thank you for expressing so eloquently the feelings many of us BS are going through.

Thank you for speaking for the BS who are still blinded by grief, pain and resentment. Your "P.S." addressed the issue of the aftermath so well.

I sent a copy of your post to my FWH, to try to explain why I've been so "difficult" ever since D-day. I know my sudden outbursts of anger have hurt him, and even baffled me at times - thank you for explaining it far better than I can.

~Silverwraith