My H recently confessed to a ONS on a biz trip. Oddly I was not shocked, or devastated or enraged. Not pleased about it at all, but I was actually quite calm. H even seemed a little hurt about my calm reaction.

Its been a week or so since this revelation, and I AM suspicious that there is another A on the horizon, perhaps not active, but pending.

H is saying he doesn't know what he wants to do...maybe separate, maybe split. Is willing to go to counseling. It's MLC for sure.

Now I have a confession, I have a sneaking desire to know the gory details ...was it fun? what did they do....I'm even a little turned on thinking about it. This IS WIERD.

I wonder if H would find telling me about this enjoyable, sort of a turn-on, and an intimacy builder.

Or would he take my interest as complete indulgence and permission for further adventuring?

Thoughts?

I wanted to know the gory details but it was not a turn on for me. The thought made me ill, but I had to know.

Do you know if there is continued contact with the ONS?

Are you snooping to find out if there is someone else?

Sign up for MC asap.

becareful what you ask for.

There was a poster here a short while back that invited the WS OP into their bed and it was not a good outcome.

Your interest maybe seen as permission.

Rent a movie maybe??

Blind

I think he would see it as condoning
and
permission...

Personally I think vows hold great meaning inspite of being turned on..

what do you think...

ARK

No Way do I want a threesome!

There might be continued telephone contact, as a matter of the workplace..H said she offered sex because she wanted him to say yes to a biz deal.

I'm more concerned about the EA/PA hazards with ladies he has contact with every day. I think he's much more vulnerable there.

I'm not sure how to go about snooping....Think I'll just sit on this question for awhile, until I figure out how to deploy it to my advantage in my snoop.

Does he work with this woman?

Not directly. Her business does business with his employment. I get the impression she is far away.

I want to get at his cellphone address book. I don't have or use cellphones much so I don't know how. I'm sure could figure it out but I'd have to find a time when he has left his phone unattended and in my reach for 30 mins or so.

Hmm. Are you familiar with Harleys basic concepts - Radical Honesty etc?

If your WH is even considering splitting up after a ONS that he confessed to, I would seriously be wondering if something deeper were going on. He may just be testing the waters to see how you react. Keep your antennae up and see what else you can come up with. If you can check his phone while he's in the shower, you shouldn't need more than a couple of minutes to check the call records. You can even look up the model online and get a guide to the features so that you know what to do once you have the phone. Alternatively, you could check the bill (most phone companies send out itemized bills). Good luck!

I think we need some more information.

How long have you been married?

Do you have children?

Have either of you been married before?

Have you read the books spoken of on here: Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs?

So, he had sex with a woman to get her business?

I would expose this to his superiors.

Have you asked him if there is someone else or if this ONS is really more? Some WS are ready to come clean.

Can you check his computer? Have you cleaned out his vehicle to see if their clues? What about his briefcase? PDA?

You can put a voice activated recorder in his car to see if he talks to her to and from work.

There is too much smoke here to be a ONS. I would check deeper. He is not telling you all the truth. I wanted to know all the details too, but it was terribly hurtful and not a turn on. The BS usually wants all the details to try to understand how the betrayal happened. Would it still be a turn on if it is not a ONS but an ongoing affair? Probably not,if you are like most BS's.

Hi and thanks for the input.
We have been married 12 yrs.
Living together 5 yrs before marriage
We have a 12yr old son....the reason for the "formalities" of marriage.
I was married before. H was an EA then PA at the end of my 1st marriage.
1st marriage for him, perhaps the 1st 'committed' relationship, but he was no virgin either.
H pushed for the PA , the living together and pushed for marriage. I was reluctant about the marriage until the child came along.
He is 40, I am 50. H says my getting older makes him sad.
We have been fighting over financial issues for at least 18 months.
H says the ONS happened a year ago.

The OW offered sex to H to get business from H's employment. (He has the power to say yes or no to a bid.) So she is basically a prostitute.

I did get ahold of his cellphone. Looked at the address book. No female names that I haven't heard before...I know that he works with these women, so it could be professional. But...they don't call it the "oldest profession" for nothing.

Not sure that I want to start a "full-on" snoop right now, but I did
make notes of the phone #s . Need full names/addresses. How do I do a 'reverse lookup" to get names/addresses for the phone #s?

Well, at least you had the advantage of knowing he did not believe in fidelity when you hooked up with him and volunteered for this.

Did the OW get the job? Did she get paid for putting out?

whitepages.com

click on "reverse phone lookup"

This only works with landlines- Not sure how to do this with a cell phone- maybe someone else here does??

Well, yes...that's probably why I was not shocked or devastated by H's confession. I did tell him that I was less worried about the ONS than an ongoing A, and asked if that was happening. He says no.

He also said that he felt bad about the ONS immediately. Said he nearly threw up in the hotel elevator when he left her room.

I don't know if the OW's firm won the bid. I think this "pro" uses sex as a sales tool all the time, and it probably works as often as not. Whether she closed the deal or not, it was just another sales call. Myself, I'd rather be a telemarketer.

Look – I am in the business to business (B2B) sector and have been for +20 years. I have never ever either closed a deal by offering sex or been offered sex to close a deal. It’s not as if “if you sign on the dotted line NOW you get to choose between 3% off the first year or a BJ”. I once got a peck on my cheek though...

I truly believe you are not getting the true story. I don’t doubt your husband experiencing this as an ONS but there must have been some build-up. That could indicate at the very least an EA.

Another thing: you are 10 years older than he is – that’s true. But unless your WH is really bad at maths then that was always known and will always be a steady factor. Could it be his age issues are more related to him becoming 40? For many that is a rough age to reach.

Read what this site has to offer on improving marriages, meeting needs and Plan A.

Yes, I've been lurking in the plan A threads. Reading not posting. I have found a lot of helpful information on the MB website. The advice seems sane and practical.

I've posted more of the story in the EN threads. There's a lot more going on with the M than the ONS.

Oh, and on the biz bit. I'm wary because when I had an outside sales job years ago, I had one or two customers who made me uncomfortable with suggestions that if I were "real sweet" I could make the sale. I also knew another lady who did use being "real sweet" to her prospects...So I am able believe that part of his story.