My ex is in violation of our divorce order. I've contemplated taking her to court for this, but haven't because I haven't wanted things to get ugly.

Anyone go through this? What happened to the spouse in contempt.

The agreement was that I would sell my stocks to pay off our credit cards. I sold the stock and she told me to give her the check and she would pay the credit cards when the bills came in. Instead, she pocketed the money and now I'm stuck paying the bills because most of the cards are in my name.

Any suggestions or ideas out there?

You've contemplated?? You have no custody of your children and you are contemplating taking their mother back to court for non-payment of bills??

Your priorities baffle me. I am starting to get the feeling that you don't WANT a custody agreement. This way you are free to 'visit' with the kids when it is convenient for you. What is convenient and 'reasonable' for you may not be so for your XW so this current arrangement is doomed to fail, as is evident by your proposed email to XW on GQ board.

I believe you are sadly mistaken about your XW being required to pay YOUR bills. No court is going to order anyone to pay your bills. If the credit cards are in your name, they are your responsibility. If the court felt that she was responsible for any portion of YOUR credit card bills, they would have ordered her to pay YOU the portion owed.

If they are joint credit cards, you are both resposible for the debt therefore, you are also in contempt.

p.s. You already posted this subject. Scroll down the page.

Papa

PLEASE take off the Mr. Nice Guy hat and go after this alien being (not your wife, she no longer exists) with all of your might to protect you and your children from her selfish, self-centered, mean and downright devilsh behavior. Do it now and stop talking about it. She doesn't care one thing about you. This was the hardest thing I had to come to grips with that this woman who I cherished and loved cared more about herself and a lunatic of an A partner that she had known less than 1 year than about our 8 year relationship, kids, memories, etc. I couldn't and wouldn't believe it for the longest. didn't make it any less true when I accepted it. Take nothing more from her. I know that I haven't and feel better with each passing day not seeking vengenace but for sure holding her accountable and letting consequenced have their way with her and OM and life's choices.

Your wife, like mine and many others here, sadly is gone. Protect you and the children NOW.

I don't think he said the court ordered her to pay the bills...they could have an agreed settlement in which she agreed to do so. She may well be in contempt of court.

P, we don't know the laws in your state. You may need to talk to an attorney. However, you may need to bear in mind that your access to your children is somewhat controlled by your wife. If my memory is correct, there is no set parenting plan in the decree. That needs to be addressed.

In my case, we had a non-standard agreement. The judge ruled we could go with that plan but inserted a provision that, should we cease to work harmoniously, we would be forced to convert to the 'usual and standard' plan for our state.

There is no formal visitation agreement. I DO want to get one because right now I'm at my ex's mercy.

Our divorce agreement stated specifically that I would liquidate our stocks and use the funds to pay off our credit cards. The credit cards were debts incurred while married and was considered joint debt.

When I received the check, she said to me, "Give me the check, I'll pay the bills when they come it."

The credit card companies started calling me a month later because they hadn't received payments.

Since this is specifically stated in our divorce agreement that the funds from my stocks would be used for this purpose. This is why she's in contempt. My lawyer confirmed this as well.

Like I said,...you are also in contempt. You were supposed to pay off your debts with the money. Instead you gave it to your XW. The instructions were simple. Sell your stocks, pay off your debts. You did not pay off your debts.

Don't be so quick to blame your XW for you own poor decisions. It was YOUR choice not to have a parenting schedule. It was YOUR choice to give the money to your XW rather than pay off the debt as you were instructed.

XW seems to be really benifitting from your poor decisions and passiveness. You continually blast her as being inept and you are the much better parent. She seems to be doing OK.

Well, I obviously need to clarify some things before you start accusing me of willingly giving up too much.

1. I was shellshocked. I had just come back from the war and was greeted by an alien that looked like my wife, but was nothing like her.

2. Said alien was telling me things like, "Oh, this is just a break to heal. We'll be back together soon."

3. Any attempt to tell said alien that I didn't want a divorce was met with hostility and resistance. She told me that if we didn't do a no contest divorce then it would get ugly and it would kill any chance of hope for us to reconcile.

4. I signed away all the things that I did because I made the mistake of not getting counsel and trusting my ex.

5. SHE is the one in contempt because I met my end of the bargain, which was to sell my stocks. The money from that was supposed to be used to pay our credit cards, which is what she told me she would do when she got the bills since she was the one with the forwarding address. This is why I trusted her when I never should have. That money was deposited into her bank account and she has pocketed it.

That is why it is HER that is in contempt. She took the money and kept it instead of using it for what we agreed to use it for. My lawyer has backed this up and confirmed it.

So, yes, I was in a completely emotional state of mind when I signed he document and believed her lies about reconciling. I committed a very common mistake many men make, according to my lawyer. MANY men fall victim to this tactic of it being a "cooling off period", "a break to heal". So many of us are dumb enough to believe this and give her her way so as not to make things worse with a contested divorce.

Hopeandpray, I thank you for your comments. BA19, don't assume my passiveness was from a lack of caring. It was horrible pain. I literally said to her, "take everything, I don't care. This is just stuff and I can replace stuff. I want my family and my wife back."
Was it stupid? Absolutely. It was a grave mistake and I accept full responsibility for committing it.

I also never thought that she and I would have a hard time negotiating for the visitation of our kids. I was naive to believe that we would get along well enough that she would invite me to her place to help put the kids to bed and bathe them and vice versa. I know I have openly extended such an invitation to her for when I have the children.

Another key reason why I agreed to letting her have physical custody was the fact that I was getting out of the military, moving to another state, and had nothing that I could use to feed the children, have them play, or a place for them to sleep. I was going to be unemployed and without a house of my own. It was a transition. My lawyer says that this is key and very important. Courts do not want to be perceived as screwing people transitioning out of the military and understand the challenges and circumstances facing those getting out.

So now it would be nice to hear from people what the consequences of contempt are. That and words of encouragement. I'm surprised at how hostile some of the posters have become in answering my posts. There's a difference between constructive criticism and tough love and downright accusations and assumptions about my motivations and how I feel.

Yes, I'm extremely mad at what has happened. But not a day goes by where I don't cry over having lost my children's daily presence in my life and my loving wife, which no longer exists.

Yet, another day goes by without a date scheduled before the judge.

I think we all get it. You lost your wife and kids and you are bumming. So what do you intend to do about it? What is your plan?

Why are you concerned about the consequences of contempt? Do you want to punish you XW?

Surely this lawyer you are in contact with has informed you of the consequences of contempt in your state.

In my state, it is a monetary fine and a slap on the wrist. Continued contempt can lead to prosecution and a jail term.

No, I have asked her what the consequences are but I don't think she's answering my e-mails due to the fact that I didn't have her retainer signed yet. We're talking tomorrow now that she got the signed retainer.

I would rather not punish my xw, but at the same time I know it looks very bad on her to ignore court orders and it would only help my case in terms of more custody.

The reason why this is taking time is because we got divorced in Kansas and she and I haven't been living in Maryland until this past month. She was in WV up until recently and it was an issue of jurisdiction. I have to file the Kansas agreement in Maryland in order to make it binding in Maryland. That's why the days have ticked by. It isn't because I haven't wanted to act on this sooner. I'm acting on it now.

I'm tired of being Mr Nice Guy and trying to reason with her. I've argued with her repeatedly regarding this issue and she won't bend saying that she needs the money, yet she bought a brand new car with after selling off our other new car because she didn't want to run around in a minivan. She withdrew $3500 out of our account without my consent. She's been spending money on things like new laptops, lenses for cameras and clothes.

Meanwhile, while unemployed, I've given her $1400 a month in child support, even when I haven't been legally bound to do so and have had no money coming in. So to those criticizing me, quit questioning my motives. My kids are everything and her behavior has me seriously concerned about their future. You should see the disasters she has chosen to start going out with.

It would make more sense to me if she was looking for a relationship, but she says she wants nothing like that right now. So why in the ****** is she giving any of these guys the time of day and simply concentrate on her new job and the kids?

You are obligated to financially support your children. Whether you are bound by law to pay X amount is mute.

Don't worry about how she spends her money. You will give yourself an ulcer doing so, or worse, end up back in Walter Reed.

You are posting as if you still have a joint account(s) with you XW. Tell me this is not so.

What she did or spent before the divorce is history. Let it go. Who she dates post divorce is none of your business unless it directly affects your childrens health, safety or welfare. Let it go.

Have you thought about what type of parenting schedule you would like? 50/50, alternate weeks, every other weekend, holidays, summer vacations?

Start making a list of what you want for you and your children and stop worrying about how you can change your XW.

I am not worried about how I can change my ex W. Again, I've also been providing for my kids, despite being unemployed.

No, who she dates is very relevant because she's the past victim of abuse and abused people tend to find abusers. She lucked out with me, but may not be so lucky with the next. I'm not going to stand idly by and watch if she brings any of these guys around the kids. I will run a full background check on anyone she gets serious with and I'll do that to protect my children.

I do have a joint account, but I have my own separate one and I use the joint account to deposit my child support into for her to access. I've asked her repeatedly to give me her account information so I can send it there instead, but she hasn't given it to me. I don't trust her with checks because she hasn't cashed the last one I gave her and I now find myself with very little money after being unemployed for 3 months. I won't get paid until the 31st, which is when I will make up for the 2 payments I have missed.

No, my divorce agreement doesn't make me pay for CS. I don't have to give her a dime if I don't want to. Obviously, that would only hurt the kids so I do and I wouldn't go without paying. Not only that, but it works in my favor to show that I have been paying, even when I haven't had to.

Paying hasn't been a problem until this past month when I finally ran out of money from being unemployed. She's getting the 2 payments I haven't been able to make as soon as my paycheck comes in.

Have you thought about what type of parenting schedule you would like? 50/50, alternate weeks, every other weekend, holidays, summer vacations?

I won't ask again, I promise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't get this:

3. Any attempt to tell said alien that I didn't want a divorce was met with hostility and resistance. She told me that if we didn't do a no contest divorce then it would get ugly and it would kill any chance of hope for us to reconcile.

So she said "If you don't divorce me, we won't get back together"?
and you bought that?

Yes. I was stupid and bought it.

As someone posted on a different thread:

A WS's fog is formidable. A BS's is impenetrable.

I bought it and am paying the consequences for it now.